Quest for Thought

Showdown.

2011-12-12T10:58:00.003+05:30

If I had to go and count the number of drafts I've crafted in the last couple of months, but not dared to share, you'd believe that I was keeping to my promise of writing daily. Okay, weekly. But I wrote.

For a person like me who writes to make sense of the voices in her head, its difficult to write when I'm in the middle of something. I need to be able to detach myself from the situation and be able to write about it.

When I came to the states to work and then to study, I wanted to capture everything. All the firsts, all the lasts. But the way this year has shaped up, its been difficult to write. It's been difficult to, in a way, face my thoughts. But with the year ending, I want to. Write it all down. Face all of it. Move on. So I won't start from the start, but from where it's the easiest to start talking again.

Going to school (Yes, I call it 'school' too now that I am in amreeka), is a completely different experience here. The campus is sprawling. This being the first time I've stayed away from home, the luxury to go for a walk at any time I please, is awesome!! The yellow lights against a pure limestone landscape are breathtaking. Should you decide to walk past the music school, even in the wee hours of the morning, you'll find yourself wanting to pause and sit - because there'll be that one artist who is still practicing.

The one thing that I was really worried about when applying to schools here was that I'd end up having a crush on all my professors. Kinda became a reality :) I came for inspiration, and I found it. One guy, gives out free candy!!

There's free movie screenings on campus, basketball and football games, "downtown" to explore, starbucks around every corner, and an awesome recreational sports facility. There's a 13 floor library (no calvin and hobbes though, I checked), a "graduate lounge" where us grad-students can study/sleep, university fight songs to learn, and so much more.

It's only December, but I'm already excited for my parents and sister to visit me around graduation in May! More coming up soon.

Be good you guys.

1st August 2011.

2011-08-02T06:57:00.005+05:30

I sent it back today. All of it. I gave my Detroit address instead of my actual apartment address because I do not want it shipped back. I hope he doesn't do something like ship it back.

The tears will come. They'll come when the sun has set completely and no one can see them. When its just me, in bed. When the reality of a persons absence will hit with full force and knock me over. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I didn't get a chance to try to hold on. For once in my life, I would have tried, and I wasn't given the chance. I don't know why - I wasn't told. Nothing was explained, there were no apologies. Just one single statement of "fact". And the rest of it is left up to me. Assumptions. Presumptions. Whatever will tire you enough to put you to sleep.

I miss Novato. I miss the people. They were nice people. Can you believe that talk about "parallel parking" can make you smile and then extremely sad? Parallel parking? Parallel parking! Parallel parking. Proof enough that I am holding it together by a thread, I guess.

I think too much. You think you think too much, but don't realize how much until your mom tells you at least TEN times before seeing you off at the airport, to "chill and relax and have fun". That's when you realize how much you think.

Watch Friends with Benefits. It's awesome-o. Might make you smile.

Bac on a Mac

2011-07-31T15:04:00.006+05:30

I promised myself, that the day I bought my macbook, I'd start writing again. Today, is that day. If I were a different person, I'd be ending that last sentencewith exclamation marks, but understated and well moderated individual that I am, I delivered that news with a polite smile and twinkling eyes :)

I have wanted to write for a while now, but I kept away from it because I was scared of the words that would eventually tumble out. Inside, I am so angry and so deeply hurt, there are days when I just want to scream. I worried about who will read this, and what they'll think - but the words that have been left unsaid for so long, have echoed inside me, and I am afraid that if I don't let them out, I might break down.

You might want to stop reading here - this (or maybe the ones that follow - depending on what frame of mind I am in :)) is/are going to be random and personal - all in one!!

New chapter in life is a "go". I landed in the U S of A, again, two days ago. All packed to get started with "school". I ditched a couple of clothes to ensure that I could carry all my pairs of shoes with me. Surprised? You really shouldn't be!

My flight was horrible. Amsterdam was fun. My connecting flight was delayed - but that gave me more time to shop in euros for momentos of a place that I hadn't even really visited yet. But the shot glass is so cool. As is the cow egg holder. And the tulips which reminded me of amma so I had to buy!!

I miss SFO. I miss the people I got so used to in SFO. This is the first time I'm saying it out loud. People are tied to places now... and that makes their absence even more prominent. The first time I went to Costco - that's the first place I "sight-see d" when I came in February - I drove A & A mad - We just HAD to walk through every aisle since it was my "first time". We had to walk through every aisle on every trip after that too.

I've lost steam. So yes, first post via the new mac :) Hope you guys are staying good!! More soon, more often.

In and Up.

2011-06-20T22:50:00.003+05:30

I hate this helpless feeling. This horrible horrible feeling that makes you look at the phone every 5 minutes to check if there's a message/email. This terrible feeling when you realize it was the trick of light on the screen of the phone, and not an attempt by someone to get in touch with you.

I hate being at the receiving end of silence. I think a million times before reaching out to people, and that makes the responding silence even worse. I hate going over the various things that I could have done wrong, that I could have said wrong. I hate wondering if maybe I've given away too much about myself; if maybe I've expected too much.

I hate not being able to feel. I hate wanting to feel. I didn't want to want to feel. But you made me want. Now that I do, there's nothing palpable left.

There's this yawning emptiness that's pulling at my insides, and threatening to swallow me. It's not my fault, and I don't want to believe that it is. This constant sadness is not what I signed up for, and I don't want it. I don't want to feel lonely and disconnected. I don't want to be on the periphery, I want to be the center. I'll be myself by myself, no issues.

Today, I'm giving in. I'm giving up.

Normal. Regular.

2011-06-11T14:41:00.004+05:30

They're walking in the rain together- he doesn't let go of her hand even though its becoming difficult to hold on to the umbrella. It's impractical but he hadn't seen her in a week- and the feeling of having her hand in his was nothing compared to the slight inconvenience of getting slightly wet. Normal. Regular.

She's standing facing the sea, in the same rain, alone. The rain had felt cold at first - just that first time when it seeps under the layer of cloth, but now she couldn't feel a thing. The distance wasn't easy but on most days just hearing a heartfelt "I miss you" was enough to create the same warmth that his hug did. Today, there were no hugs, no kisses, no emotions. No feeling. There was just distance. Distance. Anger, irritation, distance. A shiver passed through her body as she just stood facing the sea- it had nothing to do with the cold rain. He was being normal. Regular.

They reached the end of the road, and she gently pulled her hand out of his. He tried to hold on without seeming too forceful, but she'd already pulled away. He handed her the umbrella. She gave him a light hug, and whispered a sad, "I'm sorry," before walking away. She couldn't be with him, and even though she knew he cared for her, they weren't meant to be together.

The vibration of her phone pulled her out of her reverie. She uncrossed her arms and pulled it out of her pocket. Uncaring of what the water would do the instrument, she just looked at the number flashing on the screen, too afraid to answer. She didn't want to let him know that she was upset and we would know if she answered. She didn't want to miss the five minutes she would get to talk to him if she answered. Before she could click "answer", the phone stopped ringing taking the decision out from her hands.

He sat down where she'd left him unsure of how he felt. He was sad because he'd gotten used to her and this meant that she wouldn't be around in the same way that she had for so long, but he didn't feel the need to go after her. Surprised at the realization that he REALLY didn't feel the need to go after her, he turned to his right where he could still see her walking away. Could that be right? The retreating figure really didn't urge him into action.

She saw her walking back alone. The guy who had been walking with her no longer by her side. Her head was down and her shoulders sagged in defeat. It was difficult to tell if she was crying in the rain, but the sadness that her form represented was worse. Her phone vibrated again. A message. Should she read it? What's the worst thing it could say? It was probably a service message anyway. The girl was nearer now, she WAS crying. They were just silent tears that had inadvertently slipped out. Head down, she walked on. Seeing them both together had made her own loneliness feel worse - they'd seemed so "normal" together. Doing stuff "regular" couples do. Maybe things weren't always what they seem. Maybe it wasn't a service message after all.

He sat, allowing himself to not feel, as she disappeared into the distance. She walked on, without turning back. She cried for what could-have-been, but also out of the relief from not having to pretend anymore.

She read the message. And pressed 1 on her speed dial. On hearing his greeting, she allowed herself a little sigh of relief and replied "Hi handsome. I love you too. But it's not okay that you've been THAT busy."

Writing again!

2011-05-21T21:47:00.004+05:30

There's a weird sense of freedom that comes from knowing I want to write again. Not sure how long this will last - or if I'm really back - or if this post will be longer than just a couple of sentences: but for now its gooood!!

We're only 5 months into this year, and already so much has happened - the next couple of years, if they follow a similar pattern, are sure to make me bald. It's terrifying - the "what ifs". So much so that these days I try to tire my body so much, that I can just crash at the end of the day. The next morning's idle minutes bring on the crazy buggers again. After a point, you take a huge deep breath and say "what will be, will be".

Om?

Om Shanti Om?

So - I was saying - the last 5 months - Well, one visa, one trip to the states, one resignation letter, one "living by myself", one set of new friends, one set of new relationships, one set of muddled relationships, one new "work experience", one "new ultra cool office space", one set of goodbyes, one set of hellos, one trip back to India, second visa, and planning for the second trip to USA.

It's nice to be able to write again.

Breathe.

2010-03-25T00:25:00.004+05:30

If you do a thing for 3+ weeks straight, it becomes a habit. Really.

The urge to reach out to the phone and text has died. I can spend time online without refreshing my email every five minutes and/or checking if my messenger is working fine and my status is available.

I HATE not being able to do any of that. I HATE missing you when I'm happy. When I crack a real awesome joke, I miss sharing it. When I think of something really sarcastic and funny, I hate not hearing you laugh. I hate seeing emails by your name in someone else's inbox because it only drives home the point that there isn't anything from you in mine.

I know its pathetic, but I still keep my phone on loud when I sleep so that I can hear it ring, should it ring. Something pulls at my insides at the thought of hearing your voice again, and not in a good way - it makes breathing hard.

There, I've said it.

I'll use itch guard, but I will not give in. I won't.

P.S. Random, don't worry.

3/7/2010

2010-03-01T13:47:00.008+05:30

The mother of all inventions is this - "7 days of love". Bottle with 7 pills - each capsule opens up and has a paper inside it. A love note, if you may. How can you not love a person who buys you this? :D

Space is good, space is great. I hate it when people crowd me or push too much. I actually retreat faster than you can say "retreat".

You create too much space, though, and you can be very sure you'll lose the person.

It does become tough to re do your house when you are faced with options like the following :

Maruti 800 drivers are the most cautious drivers on the road. It's a fact.
Be very careful who you give control of your life to - who you let in, who you decide to share your emotions with. Very few people keep their promises, and fewer still actually care.

I'm extremely glad I have people in my life - whose voices I just have to hear and everything becomes ok. A terrible week just fades away after talking to them for 10 minutes.

I'm changing the world one person at a time. By making people stop use the "k" instead of "okay" or anything else. "K" is one of the most detestable words in the history of the world. It denotes indifference and that just sucks.

Rahul Dulhaniya Le Jayega has to be the most depressing show on national television. Who wouldn't want to marry an over achiever like this person? 20 year olds who still have their entire lives in front of them are putting more than just their lives on the line - all the hopes and dreams that live in tiny recesses of their beings - all of that is being put on the line. How does someone find the strength/stupidity to do that? For money? Really? Parents who actually prodded their daughters into doing this show actually exist?

Carnegie Mellon University, Mays School of Business, Kelley School of Business and University of Washington all want me. Little old me. I'm so proud of me. I've slayed the last few demons with this achievement :)

Pretty sure I'll decide on Kelley - can't wait for the excitement to take over :D

I was so sure he'd call today. He didn't.

I just realized I have a weird fetish. I collect paper bags. I love paper bags. And hotel toiletries. So now you know what to give me if you ever meet me :)

Bad stomach! Haven't eaten in 4 days.

What's with dad's and marriage? I'm so glad I'm going away for two years at least. I'll be the one with the visa. Ha ha ha.

Hope you guys had a great week, and wishing you a better one ahead!

All my love.

Dear B

2010-02-27T15:37:00.003+05:30

Dear B,

Over the years, I've tried in many ways to show you how good you are. How much you are loved. How many you inspire. How many you smiles you spread. I say tried, because on some occasions I doubt I have convinced you fully. I do hope that while your mind might tell you one thing in these occasions of doubt, you will know deep down in your soul, the truth.

No one knows the power of words as well as I do. And try as hard as I might, there are times when I have let you down. And there is nothing much I can do on hind sight but apologize. I hate liars, and consequently lying to myself. It takes time for me to find the real reasons, the right words to say what I need to- which is why as soon as I find them, I write. Which is also why some times I stumble. It does not mean I am weak in any way or changing sides to please the powers that be. In explaining to the other what I have understood of me and my actions, I am not making excuses or hiding.

You have a strong personality, and I have no doubt that some day you will be a force unto yourself. I envy you that. It is said, and wisely at that, that with great power comes great responsibility. That the secret to a good relationship, to being a successful leader, to well, being pretty much good at anything- you need to be a good listener. To act like a sponge. Look objectively at facts, process them, and then announce your verdict. Like not everything is forgivable, every wrong isn't worthy of a death sentence. Sometimes all you need to do for the accused is find him a psychiatrist.

Even while this milestone may imply a parting of ways, I cannot but help await with eagerness to see you grow stronger, more beautiful and smarter. I also cannot help the tiny twinge of uneasiness that accompanies these feelings, the dark monster that rears its head(s) at times- the fear of you being hurt, the need to protect and just hold you close, to protect you from the ugliness. I however, quell these teeny weeny doubts with just as much ease, for I know I have taught you all that I can and know. And now I must just let you be.

Test your boundaries but don't ever do anything that you'd want to hide from people. Let your hair down, discover yourself, but one baby step at a time. Always always trust and believe in yourself.

And know, that you are loved. Forever.

All my love.

(Written on 5/21/2009)

Little things

2010-02-10T20:49:00.004+05:30

So it's one of those days at work - There's a deadline to meet. The powers that be have decided to assign me work that has a terrible schedule - I'm convinced I'm hated.

I'm trying to debug a piece of code and staring hard at my screen. V comes by and insists I look up. When I do, she's busy talking to the person sitting next to me. After a few minutes she's walking back to her desk.

Me: Hello? You were saying something?
V : *scratches head* I was?
Me: Yeah! You came all the way insistently yelling my name. Must have been something important.
V: Important?
*after two minutes*
V: I love you?

I totally ♥ work.

Sweet dreams.

2010-02-03T23:51:00.003+05:30

It's late at night, and after the day you've had all you want to do is curl up and let it come to an end. The radio is playing Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya and the moon is up right near your window. You're too tired to let the light bother you, or let the sight enchant you.

The phone is lying on your ear, and you whisper to keep the household from waking up. You could just not talk, but the voice is comforting. Pleasing. Caring. Because you're lying on your stomach you develop the slightest of slurs, it makes you sound even more adorable than you are.

No unnecessary conversation, the silence is comforting. Every once in a while the person on the other end says something and you respond. You blabber on about work related stuff that is still running through your mind, even without realizing it - and the other person, lets you. Tomorrow morning, you'll hear all about it :)

Before you know it, the ghazal is over and you've gone to sleep.

With the biggest smile on your face.

* pops champagne bottle *

2010-01-02T08:05:00.002+05:30

I end each with with surprise at how much the year has really brought with itself- this year, came to such a smooth halt, it was only when I turned to look back that I realized how many chapters have ended and how many new ones started!

Became an engineer, no thanks to Anna University, but to all the people who made the journey bearable- for unexpected friendship, bizzare reasons to laugh, nonsensical messages and group studying- thank you .
Am now gainfully employed with a "salary account" and absolutely love each day of work, thank you Accenture. I have a boss who says "chal jhooti" and "don't lie" when I wish him a happy new year and tell him I'm going straight home from office and a team that sings "Shala la la la" while working on a Saturday afternoon. Did not know corporate life could be like this. I consider myself blessed everyday.
Moved from Chennai, after 8 years, to Mumbai- can't help miss Chennai, but it was time to move on. There will always be a bond to that place- I "grew up" there :) I loved my surprise farewell party, it was actually a surprise. I was to leave thinking I'd had no impact on lives, only to be taught that I was loved.
Met my chuddy buddy after half a decade- thank you dad for moving to Mumbai and Accenture for letting me stay in Mumbai.
My sister made it to law school, all by herself, and totally lived up to my faith in her capabilities. Every battle we've fought together, or that I fought for you with mom and dad, has been worth it. I'm proud of you, honey.
Gave GRE, gave TOEFL- did well- still can't stop being happy about the 5.5 on my essay! Wrote essays on "me", did my first "video" interview. Thanks Nav, for all your help. Words will never be enough to express my gratitude.
Sold my first (and probably last) painting!
Tasted champagne- belch.

There's a million other things, I'm sure, that have made this year just whiz past- and it's been one helluva ride. 2009 was an important year from every angle, no doubt, but 2010 will be an even more important year and I've got only three little words for it- bring it on.

Here's wishing each of you good things, happy endings and glorious new beginnings this coming year. May each of you, and the people you love, be blessed with good health and lots of laughter.

All my love.

EOY ramblings

2009-12-25T16:46:00.004+05:30

It's been so long that words have flown as easy as they do today- and even while it takes effort to get out of bed and grab my laptop, to move around pillows so I can find a more comfortable position to recline in without setting off my cough again- I do so willingly, because this comes as a welcome relief.

Accenture has been treating me wonderfully. In spite of the long hours I put in, I absolutely love going to office, and the people I have with me on my team. There isn't a work day that goes by without a shared bout of unlimited laughter with colleagues; the bond between new friends strengthening over exchanging inconsequential details about each others lives; the rush of pleasure that an email of praise from your boss brings; the feeling of belonging you experience when someone looks hard enough to find a strained smile and does their best to turn it into a full blown laugh.

With such a hectic week, the weekends are completely and purely dedicated to sleep.

I find myself, on most days, in good place in life. I like the tiredness of a day well spent that makes you just fall into bed at night.

What I don't like is these sudden bouts of loneliness- when you miss the feel of a hand that is larger and rougher than yours quietly engulf yours underneath the table; when you miss the hands that take the liberty to sneak around your waist, to keep you from leaving. A shadow that makes you feel safe, strong and loved. A single look that can make you smile.

2009-10-29T18:21:00.003+05:30

I realized only today that Quest for Thought turned 5 this June. It's sad that the year has almost come to an end, and even though so much has happened, I haven't made enough time to write. Five years! Half a decade. I've been able to define myself not only through my writing, but in the writing of others. To everyone who takes the time out to visit, and comment, and care- thank you.

Jayashree, you're my biggest find in this blogging world. Your writing is amazing, and I can only hope that you keep giving me things to read.

Navneet, I've found in you the brightest of minds and kindest of hearts (and correct grammar, and someone who can cut short my sentences). I can't wait to see the Nobel in your hands.

Koze, you're the reason I started writing, and you probably have a few people who can't wait to murder you for that. I love your writing, and you! A million thank yous for everything.

Anna, Adi, Abhishek, Ry- I wish you'd write more!

All my love.

Blank.

2009-08-27T23:08:00.004+05:30

There are times like these when being in two minds seems almost like a relief. It means you're not in more than a dozen emotional states at one time. You're not bored and scared of excitement at the same time; you wish to "do something" and not get out of your chair at the same time as you're not bored and scared of excitement; you're not sad that you are over somebody you've loved for a major part of your adult life and miss that rush of feelings you felt every time you spoke to them at the same time as you're not bored and scared of excitement and you wish to "do something" and not get out of your chair.

You're in just two minds.

You're happy. You're happy because you spent time catching up with your best friend, even if it is on the phone. You're happy because amma had something to say about the fact that you spent half the evening on the phone with a boy she does not like, even though you're 21 and haven't spent more than 5 minutes on a phone in 2 months. It's just like old times. You feel calm, and just let go. Let things be. Let them come to you, instead of being in a rush to get to them. You no longer worry about what time it is or where you have to be next, even while still arriving at where you are now. It's a blissful feeling.

And second, you're blank. Just in the moment. There is no past and no future. Just this minute, in which ma is promising to smash the yellow bulb you are determined to
read/write, in first thing in the morning, your sister is jabbering nineteen to a dozen about how the judge in her court was so utterly cute; in which you find your dad calling you to wish you goodnight.

In some corner of your mind soon, the wheels will start churning again. There will be a million things that need to be done, a gazillion things that need to be said. But until that moment, there is this feeling, this feeling of eternal hope. This warmth, that ensconces you. This sensation of being surrounded by love. In which you can't help but feel blessed.

update 24/12/09

2009-08-24T21:21:00.002+05:30

So, TOEFL is done!! The first speaking question, which I was quite sure I'd muff up, I did. The rest was pretty okay, I'll let the marks speak for themselves. GRE is coming up soon, and I'm getting tired already.

I'm also soon going to be a paid employee at Accenture! They've FINALLY decided to call us- I join work on the 31st of this month, at Mumbai. I can't wait.

I recently had the misfortune of picking up Pink or Black (a gift my sister received). I swear to GOD I've never read anything worse. It's 100 pages of nothingness. The concept of trying to figure oneself out is something I've thought about myself, but this chica has taken a wonderful idea and made such a terrible mess out of it, I'm at a loss of words. You can see that the writer has used a thesaurus on random words. Sudden incidents that do not fit the character, look like they've been added, just for the sake of including them.

The book made me starting working on MY book. Yes, I'm writing a book. If you want to feature in it, tell me something terrible/nice that's ever happened to you :D I'm serious. I've got three chapters written already. I'm going to have to thank Tishaa Khosla in my acknowledgments. Her book pushed me off the edge!!

Seriously, give me incidents!

All my love.

Coast to coast.

2009-07-25T15:47:00.000+05:30

The fact that I have in fact left Chennai, is finally starting to sink in. I'm trying my hardest to not let it seep through.

The last few months over there were, quite ironically, the best in a long time. Everyone would soon be leaving to conquer cleaner shores, and the realization that it would be a while before we were all together like "this" again, got us all making that extra effort required to actually meet up. Spend time together. Even if it was just sitting at the beach. There was this huge "get together" that was planned. Everyone who was in town was given the itinerary and could drop in at whichever place to join in. A few of us, had kept the entire day free.

We all went back to school, met up with teachers who were surprised to realize that it had been four years since we had left school, that we all now had degrees in our pockets. Few of us, with longer hair, more stylish beards, new piercings, were finally starting to look "older"- the others however, still just looked like school kids. Espescially when compared to the kids you see in schools today. Sheesh.

Lunch, a movie, the beach, dinner. The only time I realize I'm 21 is when I get into a car with friends. It's quite different from using local transport because you are underage. Half of the crowd that went to the movie, got to the beach earlier than the second half. I was in the first half and hence happily spent the following half an hour/ forty five minutes complaining about guys who just had to make a detour en route for a "smoke" and/or took the longer route and got stuck in traffic, while catching up with classmates who I hadn't seen in over 5 years!

All of a sudden there's Rahul with this huge box in his hands and Kamlesh with another, leading the troops. In the next minute, the huge box was in my lap and the other being thrust in my hands. There was a big whoop of "surprise" with which my jaw dropped to the floor. "We will miss you", the cake read. Soon there was cake cutting, cake putting on my face, hugs, my mouth looked like it had a hangar stuck in it, street dogs who had smelt food, amused onlookers, around twenty five people laughing and wishing me well and my transferring the cake from my face on to a few shirts. The gift had a huge picture of me in the background, with "PK" spelt out using pictures of the entire gang over the years. People had made time to come because it was my surprise farewell. They wouldn't have missed it for the world, they told me. I was absolutely stunned.

I remained stunned till the night before I was going to leave when I was given the "second" part of my gift. A video in which everyone had recorded their message for me. All this from people who I had been scared to tell that I was leaving for the fear that their reactions of nonchalance would kill me. I hated to think that the people I had come to care for so dearly wouldn't care.

But they did. They understood the gifts I had made for them, they treasured them. They understood the significance of the surprise parties I had thrown for them, and thanked me for them. I wasn't just some "add on" to the group. I had made a difference, touched a few hearts. Made friends for life.

I continue to remain stunned till today.

25/4/2009

2009-04-25T10:25:00.005+05:30

I was just thinking the other day- how important it is to have someone in your life with whom you can fight. Who doesn't fight your battles for you, but let's your spirit kick in on a day when things just couldn't get any worse (but they do) and you want to give up. Who hates to see the sparkle leave your eyes, and who loves you because you are strong enough to believe.

College is almost over. It's like unfinished business- it didn't feel like closure. It hasn't felt like an accomplishment as yet either. I guess it's because they're still keeping us coming to college every which way they can.

I don't understand how teachers don't understand the responsibility that lies on their shoulders. Don't they read the books? Watch the movies? How can they not know? Didn't they have this one teacher who changed them?

Lisa Scottoline is brilliant. Have I said that before? Either way, it deserves the reiteration. One of her most famous characters- Bennie Rosatto is the face of my new role model. Surprised that I look up to a fictitious character? Are you really?

I don't judge a book by it's cover- at least not a first glance. Like a man's shoes are the indicators of his soul, a book's dedication tells you everything about it's writer. If you like the dedication, there's very little chance you won't like the book.

Scottoline, not only has bold covers that reflect the style of her writing and her characters, but also good dedications. And what's more, I've never seen Acknowledgments written the way she does them. It's not just a list of names, it's sentences and praise and credit to this whole bunch of people- who you can SEE she's actually grateful for. It's human.

Plus, her characters know their shoes :D

Yes, I have changed my template again, and moved over from the dark side. Turns out they don't have the cookies. I like this one. The look is clean, has the right amount of color, and a good proportion of style. I DID spend all night, literally, on this, and I like the results.

I had a million things to say, as usual, but turns out that just the joy of being able to write again is blinding my senses, so I shall stop for now, and be back soon with more. Cuz, like it or not, I'm back baby.

All my love.

Clueless.

2009-04-15T23:00:00.002+05:30

I was watching Bones today, just like I do every Wednesday when they're running Bones on TV. And this last scene, they're sitting on stairs and looking at the city that lies ahead of them. She's citing clinical terminology to explain that she's realized her father really loves her, and she should have seen that- he doesn't understand a word as usual. I dunno how to explain it- he just leans on her shoulder laughing at something inane. They're just so damn cute together, it makes me smile and feel sad at the same time.

The other day, we were just sitting around- that is my friends and I. And. Ok, I dunno how to say this. She was upset, really really upset. And every once in a while she'd realize that and start thinking about whatever it was that was upsetting her, and her eyes would go down. The smile would start slipping. And just like that, He was there, cracking us all up. Pulling her out of the darkness she was drowning into. Every time. Looking into her eyes, and cooking up stuff just to see them smile.

I dunno what I was going to get at. I'm so damn iffy, I can't sit in one place.

Oh and considering how long it's been since I've written, I'm moving from Chennai. Permanently. After close to nine years.

Censorship- Essay-1

2009-03-08T14:31:00.004+05:30

Censorship can be loosely defined as the suppression of content in any form of communicative material that may be considered sensitive, harmful or objectionable by a censor. When talking of issues pertaining to a nations security, censorship finds a well-qualified place. However, in a society like today's, it is ludicrous to expect that censorship of improper content and language in public media by a government body or any other agency will in any way do good to mankind. Most especially when the argument being made is scattered with loosely defined words like "improper content" and "questionable language".

Censorship has in one form or the other prevailed in society over centuries. A this-is-right-and-this-is-wrong standpoint by any one particular body only serves to create feelings of unrest and consternation in one party or the other and hence should not be advocated. The ambiguity of what can or cannot be viewed only lends itself to such controversy. It is for each individual to decide for himself/herself, what content is appropriate and what is not, and in the case of a minor it is the responsibility of the concerned guardian or parent.

That the reduction in portrayal of violence in the media will somehow decrease crime rate is an argument that is flawed from the word 'that'. The causes of violence go beyond portrayals of anger and might in the media, and those are the ones that need to be researched and dealt with. An argument based on such a basis is comparable to claiming that it is the printing industry that is responsible for child abuse, that the banks are being robbed because Mr. Bachan does it in some movie, or that children have started smoking because they've heard that Mr. Khan does so.

Allowing censorship by a governing body would mean handing over a tool to certain sects of society that would not hesitate to use this to further their own propaganda, which is NOT unheard of in today's world. For example, a dictatorial regime could use such policing to suppress the spread of politically sensitive content and the rise of resistance. Or a theocratic government, as we have seen in the case of Europe, could use and has used such means to oppress the masses, thwart invention and the hinder the quest for knowledge. Governments have been known to and accused of using censorship to falsify scientific research, school- textbook material, amongst other things to abet its own interests.

Also, in the world of the world wide web it is absolutely farcical to think it is possible to try and control what content is available, what can be viewed and by whom. The problem is only compounded by the fact that the technology is only emerging and is hence more vulnerable.

Censorship not only curbs the right to freedom of expression but also prevents open debate about sensitive social and religious issues like homosexuality, prostitution, etc. An intellectually stimulating discussion of such like matter is of prime importance in not only creating awareness but also in impeding the creation and spread of fanatical sentiments.

Promotion of sensible and realistic censorship at home is a more pragmatic proposition. Yes, young minds are impressionable- but it would be fallacious to think that one could control somehow a child's perception by just removing a few scenes from a movie or beeping the bad words. It could be just an ordinary bus ride that could teach him about chain snatching, absolutely atrocious language and sexual abuse- what do you, stop him from taking the bus? Parental guidance is the need of the hour. The concerned bodies can be brought in to bring about regulation of timing of shows, after a survey and a generalization of the TV-time that children are allowed- this being the extent to which these bodies are allowed to exert power.

To conclude, it is absolutely imperative that a child/ person be aware of what is happening in and around the world he lives in and later has to face. This will facilitate the individual in equipping himself/herself to not only thrive but also prosper by making informed decisions that are based on a thorough understanding and analysis of consequences of what has happened and issues that are being created by what is happening today. Disallowing particular things in one region of the world is not going to stop people from just migrating to a place where these things are not illegal. Only prevention of the availability of "improper" content in public media does not in any way reduce the chances of a person being exposed to them, and in these cases caught unawares.

-------------------------
Sentences you've GOT to use at least once in your lifetime

1. It was neither the lack of acuity nor that of acumen that actuated her drop into an abyss of academic abasement and her climb to the acme of acerbity ever seen in a lady.

2. The hirsute hoary filled with hubris of his hortatory talent failed to see how humdrum his homilies actually were.

Sigh.

2009-03-05T19:50:00.001+05:30

Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like everything is fine, maybe, just maybe, she's really good at lying.

Just another day in paradise

2009-03-03T21:28:00.002+05:30

As Sri Lankan players click away with their cameras at the air lift they're getting from the cricket ground, and I totally completely understand their excitement, be as it may that the air lift was necessary because of the attack on 6 of their players- Modi shoots out at Sonia Gandhi for being a "foreigner" and for selling out the Indian farmer.

Gen. Qureshi takes on a defensive stance and tells India that we don't really want peace with their country while at the same time, answering each question with a question of his own- why does the world point a finger at the Pakistani government or the ISI the minute there's a terror attack anywhere in the world. Speculation on our parts, is accusation and finger-pointing to Gen. Qureshi today.

The Ambedkar issue along with the ever green Ayodhya ticket are ALL the BJP have on their side, to even be able to get a few news reporters to gather around. Hindus, muslims, tamilians, farmers, foreigner- where the hell do these divides come from but such like assholes.

The ordinary Indian student sits in his college canteen picking up the news on the radio and shakes his head in defeat, remembering that India is actually the flavor of the month amongst the terrorists, and wondering what the week is yet to bring.

22/2/09

2009-02-22T12:10:00.002+05:30

It's been bleddy long since I've written. But I've got a valid reason- my template got lost and every time I visited my blog- the white background with black text on it shoved me into a spiral of abyss. NOT the fact that the number of people who visit here has dwindled down to a count I need only one hand to well, count on. It's just the template that upset me enough to go speech less.

My final year project just sucks. Everything I've done up to now or downloaded and called my own (which it actually should be considering it took more than a month to get that code to work), is turning out to be useless. If I really want to be able to SHOW something, I'm going to have to start from scratch, which even if I wanted to do, I couldn't do. So to say the least, this semester does not look too good.

I've had a couple of sleepless nights since after my dad has decreed that he shall be trying to get me married at 23 because it's the "right age for girls". And I use the word "trying", because it is SO not going to happen.

I've finally gotten a new phone. Nokia- 6500-> It's black and it slides! Sadly today it's also malfunctioning so it might be getting replaced soon. Pictures will come up soon.

I started writing this in the morning, and now it's around 10:10 PM, so you can imagine where I started and where this could go- which you shouldn't really make yourself do for health reasons and just take my word. Good news though is that it isn't going anywhere right this minute, maybe in another post soon.

Oh and by the by, I hope we get home an Oscar this year. Slumdog isn't THAT great a movie, sure the picturization is good, but I think something like TZP was WAY more brill.

Anyhoo, pleasant dreams or good day, depending on when you are here.

All my love.

Saarang 2009

2009-01-24T11:06:00.001+05:30

If you haven't been there these past few days, get your asses there pronto, you can always come back and read this.

I FINALLY went for one of the much much much talked about professional shows at IIT-M. Yes, it's sad that I've been here for practically a decade and NOW is when I've finally gotten a chance. Somehow or the other Saarang came between some exam or the other, and well, I had things to prove.

I did NOT think Sonu Niigaam would be fun. I mean it was seriously cool- and you know how hesitatingly I use that word. But it was SOO COOL. We did the whole cell phone waving in the darkness, and the loud singing when the music is cut out and dancing. He made ME dance, would you believe it? Hell, I STILL can't believe it.

The band was brilliant too. They started with two Rock On songs, which got the crowd yelling way before Sonu even came onto stage. Gunjan, who I have never heard of before, did a couple of songs while we waited for the star to appear- but she was awesome too. And then came the man of the hour. I swear people were cheering for 5 minutes flat before he could get a word in.

He kept us on our feet with all the more punjabi-dancing-numbers, including a very very old "mera rang de basanti joda". I did NOT know we had so many Bollywood lovers in town! A new song for Saarang which as lyrics had "Aaloo... bhindi... mooli ... mattar paneer" was created right then. Terribl terible, but still SOO COOL.

Have I said how COOL?

You absolutely had to be there. I have always wanted to do the singing and the cell phone thing. Always always. And now I have. It was SOO COOL.

I shall say tata-bye-bye before I bug you with more of the "soo cool", oh crap I just did that again. But it was just SOO COOL. Like Koze says, when your kids ask you why you didn't go for Saarang 2009, you can weep.

On other news, I have finally started doing "social service"- I'm doing reading for the blind twice a week. And it feels so so so good. I'm telling you, if someone asks you what do you do with your time and all you have to say for yourself is "I watch TV for more than 5 hours a day, or sit in front of my laptop for the same", then you my friend, need to get off your arse and make yourself useful.

Hope you guys have a lovely weekend yourselves,

All my love.

blank

2009-01-15T20:24:00.002+05:30

Another death. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. At first, I was untouched by this "phenomenon". I lost two of my grandparents within a few months of each other and remember crying my heart out- I remember crying, I just don't recollect WHY I was crying. You could say it's because they just passed away you dud. But it STILL hasn't registered that they're not here anymore.

There's times when it does feel real. When knowing that I'm never going to see them again makes my soul scream, literally. But most of the time, I'm just, just. Ugh.

This friend of mine lost her mom, watched her die, doesn't have a dad already and now it's just her and her sister. I've spent two days with her.

I CANNOT even begin to imagine what they're going through. I refuse to, maybe. But I cannot. I just can't.

13/1/2009

2009-01-13T10:37:00.002+05:30

Hello childrens!

I've been riding on like a three day high or something, and the need to go onto the rooftop and yell my heart out still hasn't gone. Not too many things, just a few small ones that make me happy.

One, for the first time in 3 and a half years I finally liked my college for a weekend. Liked liked it. Did you know it's 60 bledddy years old? That the first convocation ceremony saw Jawaharlal Nehru give the welcome address? That even the IIT's are only 50 years old? That students of the first batch actually flew in from across the globe to attend the diamond jubilee celebrations at their Alma mater- and to see these people so excited and animated to be back, to be a part of something that's so rich, so old (?)... I dunno, it just felt brilliant.

Two, a couple of days before the inauguration I had a brainwave- since this is going to be so big and there's like at least 5000 people expected, why not take the opportunity to do something good? So, we decided to get permission from the Dean that would allow us to raise funds for a charity. Zeroed in on The Banyan, received permission 24 hours in advance.

So, we made drop boxes which were so so cool by the way- wrapped up boxes in plain colored paper, made banyan trees (with the hanging roots and everything) and made paper cutouts of little ladies holding hands to stick around the box. Did I say how cool it was?

Anyway, so all that was done. The first day didn't see us collecting too much. Actually, nothing at all. Because no one really knew what was happening- we didn't have time to advertise about this or anything. So the next day I gathered up a troop and we all went scouting on foot- to each and every person on the campus and made them contribute, even if it was just one rupee.

Guess how much we made!! Guess guess!! Eight freakin' grand. In two days.

Three, my exams are finally over! Sure, I don't care about any of them now- I used to. But that was because I thought I still had something to prove. But I don't! I really really don't. I'm free. I guess it's weird hearing someone say that, but it's true.

Four, now that I'm free from all the emotional burden I was carrying around, I can finally make time for the things I wanted to do. Last year I actually kept 5/6 resolutions. I worked my ass off for CAT, I went for dance class, learnt how to play the guitar and even wrote an exam (which I have passed with merit by the by), let all the people in my life know that they are important to me and much loved (this is like an every year resolution) AND got an excellent job.

This year, I completed one I made four years ago- have made the most of my time in college and actually reached the final semester with only a slight heart burn. The main stuff for this year includes making time out for my friends and doing all the stuff I've denied myself.

Now, before I ramble on and on and on, I shall sign off. Hope you guys have a good week(I have the entire week off. Ha.)!

All my love.

5/1/09

2009-01-05T17:43:00.002+05:30

So, first set back of the year has been received. After all the good things that had been happening, I guess I should have expected it. It's not too big, considering I didn't want it to happen too much in the first place, but still.

Anyhoo, Happy New Year peoples! I forgot to put up that senti post I usually do- so seriously, HAPPY new year.

I'm tonty one!!! The exclamations have got to stop. I got my nose pierced to mark my entry into actual adulthood. And it looks good- I tested it for about a week before making it public knowledge. Yay.

I figured out the weirdest thing the other day. People can out grow people. Like clothes. But it's true. And sad. There's a whole part of you that belongs to them, a whole entire part. And yet somehow, there is now this large huge distance between you now. And because of the old age and wisdomness, instead of hurting, it just leaves you sad.

Right then, I have to rush. How likes you the new template?

All my love.

Not to self.

2009-01-04T19:43:00.001+05:30

I need to update.

seasony stuff.

2008-12-24T21:58:00.008+05:30

Before I say anything else, I've got to make one thing clear. I'm not a christian and I haven't really celebrated Christmas since I moved out of Bombay, but let's just say the spirit lives on. We used to do a play before the midnight mass at the church and I used to be one of the angels (wings and all) and then we spent Christmas day eating good food and re-enacting the play at these orphanages- it was awesome. I love the colors of the season, I love the hope and joy it brings, and hence the decor on my blog.

More closer to home, we've celebrated the coming up of Christmas with the bestest hot chocolate fudge ice cream. Since I can't bake any cake or cookies because my microwave died on me, we have had to make do with the wonders of chocolate cooked on a flame. Salted nuts, hot chocolate sauce and glazed red cherries on vanilla ice cream.

Dad's playing Santa on our behalf to the family up north. Being unemployed is advantageous in the sense that you can get away with hand made gifts. Luckily for the family, my work is not so shabby. I'm quite proud of the way this one came out and hence, here it is for you- gush away.

Shopping, which I enjoy only when it's for other people, has been pretty much all I've been doing all week. The perfect this for this person and the perfect that for that person. Sister dear was treated to one of those tie up hair bands, that she'd wear to sleep if she could have her way. There's just something about surprising people with stuff they've always wanted to have but just haven't been able to buy for themselves, things they've thought went unnoticed. Try it out some time. It's really fun.

Hoping you've been just the right amounts of naughty and nice- where's the fun in being nice all the time? Naughty is good, NOT being nasty. Wishing you happiness, and peace, I leave you with We Wish you a merry christmas,

All my love.

29/12/2008

2008-12-19T23:07:00.004+05:30

For the first time in roughly four years, I've spent an hour and a half a day actually LEARNING. There's been this international conference going on in college- I'd usually get involved with the organizing and that'd be the extent of my involvement, but since this one the staff wanted to handle, they just made attendance compulsory to make the auditoriums look more full. Not one to even attend such things, I went with my ipod loaded with two new movies and some Full House episodes. Only, to my surprise there were actually people from abroad- proper universities like Rutgers and all, even profs from IIT Bombay! I loved listening to their speeches even though ALOT of it had little to do with my course work.

So, that's reason one of the lightheartedness that I've been experiencing. Learning, I find, always make me happy. Specially after the early deaths my brain cells have been sentenced to these past four years.

Reason number two is because soon approaching is the end of this road. And the last stretch looks infinitely tolerable now that the staff allotted for my subjects and project work will be lecturers who wouldn't be bothered to even take classes. It's the least they can do.

Reason number three is that I am now officially an Accenture employee, thank you very much. The job offer has been signed sealed and delivered. I have a very nice t-shirt that came along with the offer letter- one my mom had to literally force off my back to wash :D I love the company already and I hope I won't be too disappointed.

Reason number four is that Pride and Prejudice (BBC series) that I now have the pleasure of watching thanks to Zee Studio. I would like to go on record to state that both the movies (Bollywood and Hollywood) were abominable compared to this one and the book, at the same time asking you to put previous acclaims down to temporary insanity.

Reason number five is that my birthday is coming up. And for once in my life, I've got a whole list of things I DO want, and am actually saying it out aloud instead of worrying about if I deserve them or not. Mom, dad, sis- if you're reading this, just to remind you of the decision we arrived at after today's discussion- you are to ditch the search for a perfect phone, and work on buying me the perfect car instead.

Reason number six is all the wonderful people in my life. Sis, you may leave me breathless but you're like those just perfect rays of sunshine that warm you and leave you smiling. Dish and Simrat, you guys are the like the smell after the first rains that leaves you happy and satisfied. Mom, we bug the hell out of you but then again, you leave no stone unturned in returning the favor. And you, the people of the blogging world who STILL visit, muah! You make me smile.

Reason number seven is well, there's nothing else I can put this unencumbered feeling down to. There's a right time for everything. For letting go, holding on. For wanting to just hide under the covers and not want to face the day, for liking what you see in the mirror and actually looking forward to the day. For worrying about every tiny smile you feel you have to hide, for every spontaneous hug you let yourself enjoy. You get the general idea. What I'm trying to say is, have faith. When the time is right, you'll be free and ready to believe again. Until then, eat chocolate cake and enjoy your girl friends. Don't be in a hurry to get to the other side, you'll get there when you are ready.

I leave you with Mary's Boy Child Jesus Christ- really helps singing it.

All my love!

P.S. Check out the human calendar in my side bar! Me loves.

The perfect chocolate cake.

2008-12-01T00:02:00.005+05:30

'Twas a rainy day. Sis and me had spent the day lazing around and all we needed to top off a perfect day was a perfectly gooey chocolate cake. So, I put on my chef's hat and came up with what is my best cake recipe ever.

For those of you who have never baked a normal chocolate cake before, here's the ingredients. For those of you who know the drill skip to the last two magic ingredients.

* 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 cup superfine sugar or just sugar.
* 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* About 100 gm butter- salted works just fine.
* 2 large eggs
* Vanilla extract for flavor.
* 1/2 cup of curd/ milk (for if you use one egg)
* Cocoa AND drinking chocolate
* Secret (Not so secret after this, but whatever) Ingredient No1. Marie gold biscuits or (any other biscuits- I use these because they have a very mild flavor and don't complement the chocolate).
* Secret (ditto) Ingredient No2. Jam. Preferably grape/strawberry. Natural. Not Kissan and all ok?

Now, first add the butter and sugar into a food processor and beat until smooth. Next add flour in half cups interspersed by an egg- or you could just put it all in together. You could use one egg and the half cup of curd/ milk. Else, two eggs should do it.

Add about a teaspoon of vanilla extract and the baking powder.

Next, you need to add only about one large spoon of cocoa and about three-four spoons of drinking chocolate- mix the entire thing. If you want more chocolate, add more drinking chocolate, NOT cocoa, unless you like your cake bitter.

The magic bit- to about two teaspoons of the jam add about a teaspoon of milk/hot water, and whisk it into a smooth paste. Add this to your cake batter and give it one last shake.

Grease your baking dish with butter, and dust with a little bit of flour. Put the biscuits (around ten-fifteen) into a plastic bag and crush them using a rolling pin. Crush the slightly larger pieces into finer dust/ smaller pieces using your hand. Layer the baking dish with an even layer of this.

Pour your batter into this. And bake. If you use a microwave oven, bake at 160 using the forced air option for about 10- 11 mins. Bake for an extra 1-2 mins depending on how "gooey" you want it to be.

When done, dust with a little icing sugar, and serve!! Alternatively, take a fork and dig in.

Change- yes we can.

2008-11-27T21:55:00.002+05:30

I've spent the entire day sitting in front of the T.V. as probably has the rest of India. And I am emotionally drained and paralyzed. And helpless.

I do NOT understand how Mr. Advani, head of the opposition, has not failed to turn today's dastardly and horrific acts of terrorism into "how this is worse than what happened during our regime".

Actually, I can. WHICH is what upsets me more than anything.

What kind of a country is this? This country which so proudly beats its chest and asks for the world to notice her coming out, can allow for it's policemen to go into a combat situation without ANY sort of specialized equipment. THIS when the terrorists are carrying on them not only AK-47s and rocket launchers but also hi tech satellite equipment.

ATS Chief Hemant Karkare and more than fifteen other policemen lost their lives today. It is the ATT and the NSG and the local Mumbai police force along with the media who have spent the entire twenty four odd hours since the first blasts AT the site. Not a single member of the state government was found anywhere around these places. Not at the hospitals, not at the hotels. Tomorrow however they will come out to applaud the "spirit of Mumbai" and continue to question why the army men are giving the ration they are given and why they are paid so much.

Over 150 people would have lost their lives before the day ends. Scores others are lying in hospitals across the city, hurt. Each of the 1.1 billion people of this country are not only hurt too, but also angry.

I HATE that we have become a country that is run by politicians who are only worried about the "next election". I HATE that we do not have the decency and caliber to honor and immortalize these soldiers of ours. I HATE that twenty odd "boys" can hold a nation as large as ours at gun point.

I HATE that everyone will forget this happened and how ill prepared we are as a country, until something like this happens again in four months time.

I do NOT know what I can do to change things as yet. But I swear, I'm going to figure it out.

"dude".

2008-11-26T19:50:00.002+05:30

I just noticed. I go "sad sad" and "nice nice". How weird is that?

I suck at writing in active voice, so if I ever do start writing a book, it's never getting done.

The new song here, "All I want for christmas"- me loves it. It's super cheesy and all that. But I do.

Whose Line Is It Anyway is back on TV!!! All hail Star World.

It's tough to decide whether I like photos of people better or nature. Black and whites or color. People, on most days.

I'm an aunt six times over. Or actually according to Joey, three times an uncle and three times an aunt.

India is SO going to win the match.

It's really weird introducing myself by my name. I've been "pk" for half my life.

How come we Indian kids don't get "find yourself" time?

How is it possible to go from being deliriously happy one minute to being terribly depressed the next? Ugh.

I'm out of things to say.

"Peace".

Exams are fun.

2008-11-22T20:54:00.004+05:30

I was just recalling how the exam I wrote on Friday went.

It was so hilarious.

Half the class went to the bathroom, one after the other, in the first forty five minutes after starting the exam.

More than half the class (thus including people who visited the loo and those who didn't) got up and went to get themselves a drink of water during the exam.

Almost everyone sharpened each pencil that was in their pencil boxes at least 4 times- it was a programming paper, did I mention?

Some people also ended up punching numbers into the calculators they were carrying to verify if the multiplication tables they'd been taught were right.

And yes, I spent the little time left, cataloging this information.

On a totally different note, sometimes all you need to right your world are your bestest friends in the whole wide world on the phone with you.

Oh and for those of you who are wondering, I am NOT christian. I love Christmas time though. And thanks to my stay in Mumbai, I've even been an actual angel in the midnight mass plays. Yes, an angel. Will wonders ever cease, eh?

I absolutely loved working on this template. Adobe Photoshop rocks. The base template isn't mine, but I've tweaked with it alot to get what I liked best. There's also an option that allows you to stop the carols from playing near the Santa who is strumming his guitar- for you Scrooges. If you have a special request, make it, I'll see what I can do.

Until then, be good and be happy.

All my love.

Pride and Prejudice.

2008-11-22T14:53:00.003+05:30

If you were to ever pick up Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, I'd recommend that you don't do so when you were in the middle of exams. I FINALLY read the book. And I gotta say, I liked it.

I can't say if I'd have liked the book had I not seen Bride and Prejudice (which this is based on). Maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn't have. I think I would have, except I'd have read it more slowly. I didn't know that the movie was actually the book, so I actually couldn't put the book down until I'd finished it and couldn't wait to see what was going to happen on the next page.

Austen starts the book with, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife" and it'd be really really hard to contradict her, even in today's world.

Each of the five sisters has her own "thing". The eldest sister Jane is the beauty but more of the quite and gracious type and yet emotionally strong as you come to learn. Elizabeth the female protagonist is her fathers favorite, lively and full of wit. The famous Mr. Darcy is disgustingly rich, intelligent and an introvert. The fact that his role was played by Martin Henderson in the movie, only helped imagine his "handsomeness" more vividly. I love the father's laconic style which only brings to light the flair for drama that his wife has.

It's almost a typical love story. What made me read on were the characters. First you wanted to know how the two met, then there's the whole falling in love that is to happen which is to catch them unawares and lastly you want to know who makes the first move and how. If Lizzy actually apologies. How Darcy reacts to her playfulness even after they've married. William Collins ( a cousin who wanted to marry Elizabeth but was turned down and married her best friend instead), Lady Catherine (Darcy's widowed aunt who has her own plans for Darcy) Charles Bingley (Darcy's best friend and Jane's love) and his evil sisters, only add liveliness to the book and make it more interesting.

Anyway, if you haven't read it, do so now. If you aren't too found of English Lit you mightn't enjoy the writing style too much, so I'd suggest you watch the movie first (Bollywood or Hollywood, they're both good)- that way you can just skip through some descriptive pages and not loose the plot.

And if you HAVE read it, do so again!

All my love.

Whatever is to be, will be.

2008-11-16T23:08:00.000+05:30

There was this huge massive big part of me that wanted to get into an IIM. NOT because of the name and the money and all that, but because I wanted to be motivated, inspired and taught. Three things that I can get from other places too- yes, Stanford and all are just waiting for me :D

With CAT out of the way, I'm just relieved. Instead of having worked for it and denying myself a lot things along the way just so I could get this, I would have done a whole lot better if I'd just walked in and written the exam. It was THAT weird. Math sucked, as I knew it would. English and DI were good. The IIMs sadly want you to have brilliantly in everything.

I know I should be sad, but all I can think of right now is how much more lighter I feel. There wasn't pressure at home, there was only pressure I'd put on myself. Anyhoo, with that out of the way, I'm all energized to work on my other options. I actually went and celebrated by stuffing myself with the best sizzlers on ze planet.

Hope you guys have been good because guess whose coming to town!! *hiccup*

Yes, a little drunk.

All my love.

See No evil.

2008-11-04T20:59:00.002+05:30

So,

First: I fall asleep with my contacts on because I hadn't slept much last night and was ill.

Second: I didn't even know I'd done (First) until two hours after having woken up, I rub my eyes to find something on my hand.

Third: I finally realize what had happened, dig into my other eye to find the other lens, turn up with nothing.

Fourth: I DO find it after an hour, but it had dried up. And because it was due to be replaced, tore.

Five: After five minutes of contact lens tearing, my only pair of spectacles snap into two. Just like that.

An exam-like thing tomorrow, nothing to see with, and they weren't reading glasses so I'm practically blind.

Me thinks bad things are to happen. And this is how I won't be able to see them happen. Unless of course these bad things plan to stick themselves in my face.

Can't wait!

Come out into the universe of light.

2008-10-27T20:57:00.014+05:30

Diwali for mom.------------>

Buy the women in your lives flowers- they're gorgeous to look at, not expensive, and don't need an occasion to be presented on. And the joy such a simple gesture could bring, it's brill.

May the light of the lamps bring to you only good things. To the south indians, happy diwali. To the north indians, have a happy diwali.

All my love

<--- Totally my doing.

You know...

2008-10-26T13:40:00.005+05:30

... that feeling when you just want to bend over, hug yourself hard and wail? Cry so hard breathing becomes difficult. When something that is so much larger just squeezes your insides and breaks you.

I was so sure this was it. This was the end of this whole mess I'd created. This whole mess I'd convinced myself I'd created. That this would be what could free me of the burden I carry around. That it would.

The part of me that hadn't already curled up and hidden itself away, wants to weep now. The part that hadn't already gone into self preservation mode wants to stand on the roof of the tallest building and scream- wants me to give in too, to give up.

This part of me wants me stop right here. Wants me to accept that the mistakes I made ARE really as big as they've seemed on my worst days when they really aren't. I KNOW that logically. But I need to FEEL it to believe it, to be free, to be sane again. The part that wants me to stop is a really big part.

I'll be safe, if I do. But I'll have settled for less that I deserve. Less than what I think I deserve.

So, for now I'm not. I know I should. I know I should just shut down and put up the "CLOSED" sign. I know. But I couldn't.

Support, my ass.

2008-10-26T01:26:00.004+05:30

I just read the title I'd entered, and if you read it without pausing at the comma, or not venture further and read the post, it sounds damn funny.

For someone who hasn't hated another person ever(Yes, never), for someone whose hatred extended to only brinjals till now, this rush of anger towards her country comes as a gargantuan shock that is accompanied by uneasiness. Specially, when this "she" is so determined to only look at the upside of things.

I crumpled today mornings Hindu and stamped on it too. This was after I'd read the first para on the front page on the "support that Tamil Nadu has shown for the Sri Lankan tamils". Support, my ass.

The "youth" from my college who took part in this "human chain" formation on a day when Chennai was flooded, had been locked up in college and later hog tied into forming a part of this chain. Locked, literally not figuratively. Hog tied, literally not figuratively.

After which by the by, I spent four hours getting home from college. FOUR FUCKIN' hours. Traffic inched every half an hour, all the way from Parrys to Chrompet. Over ever fuckin' flyover. And every "back road" there exists across residential areas. On top of that an irritating female on the bus hogged my seat, so I had to stand. Wet, hungry and hence low on sugar, standing. Four hours. Hitting head on the pole helped a little. If I hadn't had my I-pod with me, I'd have considered trying to suicide myself by jumping into the river that had formed at Guindy.

He could have done this chain forming along the damn beach- we have one of the longest beaches in Asia, after all. He could have formed the damn chain after issuing a bandh of some sort. He could have done ANYTHING that did not involve making people stand in the pouring rain, blocking 75% of the city at rush hour, for over ten hours.

THIS is not how you show support for anything. By making an issue as sensitive as this a political game, is not how you put in your two cents towards resolving it. THIS is why India should come a bi-party government. THIS is why coalition governments are more dangerous than the ones that are run by one party.

All you do DO is make people like me who believed there was hope, turn into bigger cynics.

SG.

Jhansi ki rani makes a come back.

2008-10-23T00:13:00.005+05:30

The slight drizzle we had yesterday prompted the government to take swift action and declare a holiday for schools and colleges. No sooner than it struck ten that the sky cleared up. It would to be seven o' clock in the evening before the Gods decided to weep again.

It poured cats and dogs all night leaving the city in knee deep water. It continued to pour other animals too, so much so, that knee deep soon became chest- hurting- can't-see-a-thing-umbrella-flying-drive-at-15-kmph four hours of rain that just refused to let up.

Still with smiles on our faces, wet to our bones we turned up promptly at eight thirty of the pre-placement talk at CEG ( both my college and CEG have placements together at CEG, we're one university now)- Google was coming! Sure, only a handful of us would get in, but it'd be a super cool experience. It was google after all!

They started their ppt at around ten ish- two phrases that I would take back with me from that one hour I spent with them, because of their frequent occurence as part of the "culture at google" were- "work ethic" and "do not be evil". The Professor in charge very kindly read out the names of students elligble to attend the first round of screenly- no MIT student was short listed. Criteria to attend the company- CGPA above 8. Did I have that much? Yes. I have 9.1 Did the fifteen other people with me meet with their criteria? Yes, each and every one of them did.

Supremely pissed off and thinking that the professors in charge had taken their partiality towards CEG students too far, I asked the guy in charge why none of our names were on the list. To quote him, "MIT students are not elligible." To make sure the decision was of the company and not the University office, I approached the HR person who'd come (I was on a roll by then)-

Me: "Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to ask you a question, if that's alright."
She: " Yes, of course."
Me: "Was it your decision to not shortlist MIT students or the colleges'?"
She: "It was ours."
Me (sweetest voice ever):" Can we please know what the reason behind this decision was?"
She: "I've discussed it at length with your professors and I would rather he explained it to you."
Me: "Sure, thank you ma'am."

Within five minutes, I was on my way to college with the rest of my friends. The university had NO bleddy right to allow a company that discriminated against a department of its just because it was located on a different campus. We have the same exams, same rules, same VC. Not an affiliated college. Not an autonomous college anymore. We are a part of the damn university.

Walked straight into my HODs room and gave her the details. Another five minutes and we were talking to the Vice Chancellor (what a day for him to be visiting our college).

We were informed some time later, that he had been in the know how. Some student from my batch had tried to approach the company directly, and they were pissed off about it and had brought it to his notice. Utter bull shit. And that's what we told our HOD. She promised us she would follow the matter up, but that it would take time, and to not worry.

Point at the end of the day was- we'd lost an opportunity. One that wasn't coming back any time soon.

Only, for probably the first time in the history of a governmental institution action was taken within hours. We were to find out in the evening, that the VC on returning to his offices, had cancelled the company.

I feel sorry for the students who had been shortlisted and were attending their interviews by that time. Our only intention was to be told why and how this need for segregation arose, and why and how it was being allowed.

I'm ecstatic also. You should have seen us. HOD in front, me and two three of us who had represented the issue next, and my entire class behind us, umbrellas out we marched across college to meet the VC. It was like leading a revolution. And in some ways it was. One that we won.

Only, I'm slightly disappointed my weapon of choice will be known as an umbrella.

------------
P.S. Two goverment officials who took prompt action and stood up for what was right. In one day. Almost too hard to believe no?

lots of swear words

2008-10-19T01:55:00.006+05:30

I detest people who don't know how to say thank you. If I'm having one of those happier days, I only feel sorry for such people, but on days like today- let's just say I'm not a person with violent tendencies but when you given up your seat for someone carrying a child in a crowded bus, the futility of doing a good deed angers me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want an award or for my picture to be in the newspaper for Samaritan-Of-the-Week, but the least you could do is say thank you.

Or when people take stuff from you and return it all battered and abused, without even the slightest of acknowledgments.

For any politician that I come across in my life, I have only two words- Fuck you. vans and trucks full of hooligans drove on the streets of Chennai yesterday because supporters of some politician were gathering at Marina to celebrate his something. We, the ones not in these vans, were in turn treated to loud blaring music, rambunctious dances and cheering and traffic jams so long that most of us just abandoned our vehicles and took to walking to get to places in time.

Where these cars and vans stopped in the middle of roads, ardent fans got off and relieved themselves on the roadside. Cheering increased when a girl was in sight. Driving became rasher as the urge to compete with one another grew.

And I was ready to commit murder.

On that extremely positive note, I leave you to enjoy your Sunday.

SG.

Trouble comes in threes. Plus one.

2008-10-10T10:59:00.004+05:30

First, I don't send the form within the stipulated time. I have to call them up to ask what can be done and they calmly tell me that it's ok and I should send it as soon as possible.

Second, I paid for admission to one program when I could have applied for two. So, I call them up to ask if I can pay extra now or something, and they say no.

Third, I lose the envelope I'm supposed to send the filled up form in. I have to call them up, again, and ask them what to do about that.

Fourth, yes, there's more. I just glance through the filled up form and find that the branch and code of the bank where the money was paid was filled up wrong. So, I have to call them up, AGAIN, and am told to write and send an apology letter with the form.

I'd better be getting in there after all this.

Photo By: Drew Tedlock

Just like the sun above, I'll come shining through.

2008-10-09T14:23:00.003+05:30

I almost gave up.

Threw my hands up in the air.

Blocked out every dream I'd ever had. It's funny how sometimes you become so numb that even the sharpest of pains can't touch you.

And then Bones and Booth sang Keep On Tryin' (by Poco).

In those two minutes, everything righted itself.

I'm not giving anything up without a fight.

SG.

eeek! I got an award.

2008-10-07T21:45:00.006+05:30

After four years of blogging, some form of appreciation. Sure, it had to be wheedled out. Still, eeeek! I got a blog award.

Awarded by
astrodominie to Sthupit Girl

This post is going to be super shot. One, fathers have this way of waking their daughters up that mothers can just never do. Mornings suddenly become bearable, even Monday mornings. And even though you'll never read this, thank you dad.

Two, for the third time in one month, I've gone for CAT class only to sneak right out and back home. It's not like I don't get enough opportunity to travel by MTC, which by the way is a post long due, that T.I.M.E. is doing me a favor by giving out wrong schedules and/or rescheduling without notice.

Three, I just realized I've written fifteen mock cats already. Fifteen. That's five more than ten and five less than twenty. Which would mean there's exactly five Sundays before the D-Day.

Four, we grow up hearing about how great the Ratan Tatas and the Mittals of India are. I've read about their lives, and I read about them every time I pick up a newspapers. A new factory here, a take over there. But it's only after hearing the press conference Mr. Tata had regarding the Singur issue, did he become "real" to me. It was in that moment that I knew that I liked his dignity, and I was left inspired by his passion.

Five, I thought I was the most peculiar person in my family. Or at least one with the most peculiar peculiarities. Turns out, my sistar is slowly inching her way to first place. So- she robs dad of a an absolutely new notebook. Lies down beside me on the bed and starts flipping its pages. After a whole entire minute, her actions have my complete attention. She continues to touch each page with reverence before going to the next. She continues to touch each blank page with reverence before going to the next.

And now I must run. Have a super fun long weekend,

SG.

P.S. Dad just let me drive the car first time after the puja (yes, me the punjabi did the not-punjabi ayudha puja). Finally a sign of good things to come.

update 6/10/08

2008-10-06T22:26:00.005+05:30

So, I spent most of this evening freaking out. Not because of lack of planning. But because of not paying attention to detail.

I opened the Stanford website- only to find out that they do NOT look for work experience as a prerequisite for admissions to the MBA course. So, I freaked out. I SHOULD have known about this. I shouldave known this so that I could have written my GMAT and TOFEL exams and applied this year.

I still can, but I don't like how rushed things will become if I do decide to do so. So, I'm not. If things don't work out here and now, then we'll make Stanford happy. But just in case there's smarter people who've already written the required exams- Harvard, Stanford & Michigan- take freshers.

On other news- let us all stand up and clap hands to wish Navneet a very happy budday. May he always have money to buy hair dye, the latest in spectacles and hearing aid and of course, dentures. Wishing you all things that are good.

On other other news, because I spent the evening I'd planned to spend studying, freaking out instead- my schedules gone for a toss. So, I'm going to stop bugging you and go and try and do something about it.

The absolutely brilliant news is- Monday is over!!

SG.

Saturday Night.

2008-10-04T23:11:00.010+05:30

Saturday night- in PJ's and talking to myself (on my blog)- the excitement could make a more slight person dizzy. I'd be depressed, only it's great to finally have had a proper meal- the "old people" ka khanna was driving me nuts. Now that I have a whole KFC burger inside me, I'm all set to dance on the ceiling. Breathlessness or no breathlessness.

I was going through some stuff the other day, and came across this word omphaloskepsis- contemplation of one's navel as part of a mystical exercise. Have you heard of anything more bizarre?!

I'm going to be posting a little less often from now on. Or maybe more often, considering the nervousness and fear that is going to start crippling me. Either way, you have been forewarned.

I love photographs. I don't take too many of them, but I'd love to someday. The artist in me loves the use of many colors almost as much as she loves the magic that can be created using just one, and sometimes none.

Flickr found this for me. And I love it. It's called "The Kiss".

I had more to say. Only, this picture makes the words fade away and their place is taken by a small smile.

Banana Pancakes

2008-10-02T10:43:00.011+05:30

I started writing, only to realize I was rambling, as usual. So I need to edit that post before I put it up.

People surprise me every day. Not all of the surprises are good. A friend of mine saw a muslim guy, a student, walking towards us in college and promptly said, " I'm scared. Doesn't he look scary? What's with the beard and all? "
People, educated people, can be extremely illiterate in their views.

I could have strangled her. Is this how education helps? Is this what "jehad" is supposed to accomplish?

There's some words that I just love. They don't mean "great" things or anything. I just love the drama around them or the way they sound. Like "flummoxed" and "umbrage".

Redefining deep sleep- you don't hear your cell phone beep.

Another not so pleasant surprise was when in college, again, the people I was sitting with commented on why this particular girl was even wearing a "dupatta"- it wasn't covering what is was supposed to.

It made me sad.

FUBAR is an absolutely brill word I found out.

I like black and white as much as I love color.

I found my first white hair. And I've kept it safe. Proof of my wisdomousness.

Making "blockquotes" or pullquotes as they are sometimes called and customizing them to suit your style is really easy. They look nice and people ALWAYS read them. Will put up a post regarding them soon.

I think the look of ones blog is very important.
What would make me want to read your blog?
A first time visitor either reads ahead of doesn't based on very few basic things- name of the blog and the tag line, aesthetics and the title of the post. The length of the post comes a quick fourth.

Sure, for them purists, writing is all that matters. But if you really want people to read what you've written, you have to create an atmosphere that will encourage them to do so.

Me is done. Hope you guys are enjoying the day off. I certainly am, given the fact that my nasal passage has cleared and I've fought my way into being allowed to bathe. Too much detail, I know :D

Oh and by the by, the title has nothing to do with my love for bananas or lack of it. It's a song by Jack Johnson. One I'd recommend.

All my love!

Flickr baby!

2008-09-29T14:07:00.009+05:30

*Has been edited. Please forgive lapse of judgment.

A test that I'd already flunked in once and fever that makes me actually breathe out fire and congestion and cold are not a good combination. Specially when you go blog hopping and find stuff you like and want to do yourself because you are so sad, that people won't tag you to do it. Oh and did I say breathing caused me so much pain- there isn't even a word to describe it!

Anyhow, here are the rules.

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page, pick an image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name?
********* (there you go)It's official.
2. What is your favorite food? Right now?
Apple pie. Doesn't really count as food, does it?
3. What high school did you go to?
BVM, Madras. Center Point School, Nagpur. Carmel Convent, Mumbai. Though I guess BVM counts as high school in every sense.
4. What is your favorite color?
Red. I love colors, full stop. Red holds a prominent place though.
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
George Clooney all the way. Muah. Can't believe I just said that. Oh wait, I have fever. So it's ok.
6. Favorite drink?
Lemonade. Not exotic, but me loves.
7. Dream vacation?
To travel everywhere. Five star plus of course. This ones Brooklyn Bridge though.
8. Favorite dessert?
Gooey chocolate cake please.
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Carefree. And uninhibited.
10. What do you love most in life?
Happiness & Laughter.
11. One Word to describe you.
Guarded [I liked this pic better than the one I found for "shy" ]
12. Your Flickr name.
SG. Big surprises there.

I'm tagging everyone who happens to come by. Leave me a comment when you do this pleej.

Happy Monday!

SG.

Credits for the awesome pics- 1. 0000400291.jpg, 2. apple pie, 3. bala vidya mandir, 4. rojo sobre negro (mosaico) / red on black (mosaic), 5. 5-hour-phone-conversation, 6. .relax & have some fresh squeezed legonade., 7. Brooklyn, 8. Day137 - gorgeous gooey chocolate cake slice, 9. The chase, 10. at least it started out with laughter, 11. gaurded with color, 12. sg.wang plaza@malaysia

The bug.

2008-09-27T21:13:00.017+05:30

So, I finally got my laptop- handed down it might be, but at least it's a laptop. One, I should mention was a "You get above 9.5, you get a laptop"-trying-to-push-you-harder mom talk. And for what is probably the third time, promises have not been kept.

And this is first post!! *take two minutes to pay respect*

Right. New personal property involves customization.

The iTunes 8 pink color bug has been tackled and normalcy has been restored.

Almost like a dog peeing around something, to mark it's property. Not a pretty comparison, but what the hell. Customizing involved downloading iTunes 8.0, which lead to viewing of a completely bizarre pink colored screen that made reading tough on a more intellectual level and just hurt the eyes on a more baser level.

Looks something like this->

Minimizing/ maximizing works for only about two seconds. You might also encounter a green and black color combination when you select songs.

I was all set to re- download the software, when purely by chance, I decided to comb the erstwhile web to find out if something like this was happening to anyone else. Gladly (no, not the misery-loves-company-one) it IS a bug in the software ( which is SHocking considering it's Apple)

Windows XP users need only do the following-

1. Right click on your desktop and select Properties.
2. Select the Settings tab.
3. And change the color settings from 16-bit to 32-bit.

And that's it.

Vista users need to select Personalize after right clicking on the desktop, and do the same as above.

On a totally different note, I've got a new pet- Zinnia. It's the name of a flower

Other news. Actually I'm just showing off this new pullquote thing.

and in the language of flowers means, thoughts of absent friends. And I love that.

People, who don't like it's munching and/or baahing, may turn on the mute option. Feed her, though.

I'm not sure if I like my current blank state. Oh and I joined twitter. What purpose it's supposed to solve, I'm not sure of as yet.

Pleasant Sunday,

SG.

And there was light.

2008-09-25T19:33:00.002+05:30

The yellow light is so bright, that you can't look at it directly. Or look at it and not be able to see a thing. Which is surprising because the setting sun is supposed to be calm.

This feels like one of those images that a booming voice singing "And there will be light" creates.

When you stop trying to look directly at the sun, and look around instead- it's like the stadium lights have been switched on.

Only better.

All that is not metal is crimson and all that is metal, is silver.

SG.

Favicons

2008-09-20T19:42:00.009+05:30

A favicon (short for favorites icon), according to the oh-so-reliable Wikipedia, is also known as a website icon, or shortcut icon, is an icon associated with a particular website or webpage. It's the icon that appears near a page's url in the address bar.

Within Internet Explorer the Favicon is displayed on the Address line and in the Favorites menu. Mozilla users, can see this icon, in the tabs they create too. Look up and you'll see this near "Quest For Thought"

or or or or or

You could add one to your web page too. It's super easy.

I used MpP, to find an icon I liked best. There's also Delta-Tango-Bravo. And if you cannot find anything you like, you could create a brand new icon from image files you have using FavIcon from Pics. Creating a 16px by 16px image is a piece of work in itself, but for those of you who can't find ANYTHING at all, here's a good photoshop tutorial.

Once you've decided what you want to use, upload it onto a file server. Make sure the image you intend to use is either in the .gif or .png or .ico formats. I use Ripway. Add the following two lines of code in between the head tags of your template code.

Where "http://myicon.com/favicon.gif" is the url of your favicon image- Save the template, and you're all set to go!! The url of the image, as you can see, is a direct link to the image file and shouldn't include words like ".php?" or ".asp".

It doesn't work quite as smoothly with IE, so for all you not-so-enlightened ones, wake up and see the light- shift to Mozilla. If you MUST use IE-

1. Make sure the file is named favicon.ico and is placed in the root folder of your web server.
2. Add your page to the favorites list. If it already exists there, then remove it and add it again.
3. Clicking on the "e" in your browser's address bar of your webpage, and moving it towards the right slightly two or three times sometimes helps. (I swear it does)
4. Clean up your temporary internet files folder and load your page afresh.
5. Sometimes, it's imperative that you use an absolute address to the file and not a relative one. (i.e, instead of an href="//favicon.ico", you have to use a complete address- which starts with an "http" like href="http://mysite.com/ favicon.ico")

If it STILL doesn't work, take the hint, and shift!

All my love.

Feels like poop.

2008-09-17T20:39:00.003+05:30

Three things to do today:

1. Get up.
2. Survive.
3. Go back to bed.

SG.

2008-09-13T23:18:00.002+05:30

Everyone who is anyone, is actually DOING something. Whether it is writing columns for newspapers (I'm VERY happy for you); or acing exams they have no right doing well in specially when I'm doing terribly; or be driving around the town in cars that I've always wanted to have; or basically living the life I've always wanted to.

Sigh.

In the words of Chandler,

I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair!

Pleasant weekend?

All my love.

One two, buckle my shoe.

2008-08-29T22:53:00.010+05:30

There's two things I'll always be grateful to Neet (my cousin) for. And I'm stating both on a public forum. One, for dragging me to watch Jab We Met- after ages I got to see something that could actually bring lightness to the heart. Still does, actually.

Two, for introducing me to The O.C. I was SO against this series when it started- I mean why would I want to watch a story about some spoilt brats sleeping with each other? Sure, almost everyone s slept with everyone else, but that is NOT the story.

Each life, is so complicated. And yet, so simple. I love the family. I love the strength that they give each other. I love knowing that if you really did love someone, things really would work out.

Each love story has it's own charm. And I love the differences.

Yes, I'm one of those who have an imaginary boyfriend in their past. His name was Aryan, and that's all you're going to get from me.

I can't decide whether or not to just give up and run away and hide or to put up a fight and persevere.

Turns out, yet again, that one musn't ever believe what people say. I really really don't know what we SHOULD believe in then. Words are fickle, yes. So, what's stronger?

Mom received a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates from her brother for Rakhi. And I couldn't be more happy.

From the moment we wake up to the moment our heads hit the bed, we ask ourselves questions. When the answers we get are totally different from the ones we'd thought of, are we really happy.

I swear men/guys are worse than we ladies are supposed to be at this whole shopping thing. Three hours to buy ONE shirt. And that's the shirt I picked out in the first 5 minutes. Jezus.

There's always this line between "personal" and staying "not personal" that I'm terrible at not crossing. I can two things- either completely involved and that means I expect the other person to totally understand who I am and what I am and why I am what I am or not am, or I keep you away.

I HATE, abhor, being called "nice". Nice implies a very sycophantic nature.

I do NOT judge people. Even people who've been terrible to me, I understand where they're coming from and I accept them for what they are. Sometimes, I try too hard to accept, and maybe lose sight of what people really are.

That's when I'd like to hear what someone who I trust thinks about the person too.

Crushes are funny things. They make the person who was "crushed upon" feel good. And the person who was "crushing" feel weird.

I hate that YOU were told I liked you too. But I did not. Not in that way. And in a weird way I'm sorry, because that was a cruel thing for people to do.

It's really hilarious when people who are trying to show off with big words use the words but spell them wrong. I mean, abhorr? Really?

Ghosts are not nice things to live with. Contrary to what you might have been lead to believe after watching all those cartoons, they aren't friendly. They torture and they screech. They play with your emotions and suck up all the happiness. Like dementors, actually- suck out your soul.

I usually don't listen to female singers. But even if you don't listen to the song, read the lyrics of this song called Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield. They're refreshingly; not hackneyed.

Thanks sis, for introducing me to it.

Do NOT watch Singh is King. I swear it's going to go down as one of the worst movies of our times, after Jhoom Barabar Jhoom of course. The story sucks, the people suck, the songs sucks and they bleddy embarrass punjabis.

I take time to figure out why I've said something I have or done something I have or haven't done or said something I haven't. And I look twice before I'm sure, because I hate lying. To others, yes. But more than anything to myself.

It's not called making excuses.

I think I'm just about done here. Every day brings more drama than the previous. And I know I'm better off in most respects than most people in the world, but I swear the only word that comes to mind to describe me today is "traumatized".

Almost a P.S.- Dish, Simrat and Bhai- Thank you for calling. You guys are my silver lining.

There's nothing like a call from friends you've grown old with. And yes, actually grown old with. I've known them since I was eleven. God bless them :D

There's also nothing like a big brother who doesn't hesitate to offer free consultation (now that he is a doc) to the guy who has been crushing on you.

Hope you guys are having better luck,

All my love.

Round and round, here we go again.

2008-08-17T19:35:00.004+05:30

I could burst into tears right about now. And not the little shot gun bursts of crying, but actual, sobbing.

You know how people say that "life has to come a full circle"? I didn't have an opinion until now. Now I do- it's true. Thankfully, mine has taken 4 years to come around- bit by bit, things are turning into exactly what they were then. I'm just praying the result is happier this time around and I don't have to wait for another circle to free myself of "this".

Apparently, being nice to people is a crime.

All you have to do is say boo, and I'll have broken down into a million pieces- million, IS possible, when you are me.

Ugh.

Off the tips of my hair.

2008-08-04T17:03:00.005+05:30

It's hair, not hairs. Just like it's sheep and not sheeps. Just like it's teeth not tooths.

If you don't know what it feels like to be with a guy who isn't shy of holding your hand in front of his friends, then you haven't met a "man".

I DID say the entire sentence with a straight face.

Dogs are total sex fanatics, I'm telling you. Or at least the street ones. And the sickest part is not that they enjoy orgies, the sickest part is that they like to do "it" in front of an audience.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when someone says "People have been caught in the lift" ?

That they were doing "stuff" in the lift, no? Bleddy, I'm not THAT perverted.

I like the shades of green Karan has used on "Coffee with Karan"- the only thing that irritates me is that while he does ask good questions, he doesn't know how to build a (or utilize the) connection with the people who come as guests.

The "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" is WAY WAY better than SRK s "kya aap paanchvi class pass hai". There's just this way you have to do things, to make something like this show successful, and he obviously isn't doing it.

I enjoyed today alot. And I've decided to open a coffee shop at IIT if all plans of an MBA fizzle out.

Yes, I know it's a brill idea. And IIT is taken. So find some place else, if you must follow in my footsteps.

Twenty questions is an awesome game. You find out all sorts of weird fun things about people. Things you wouldn't ever know of, if you hadn't asked that question.

There's people and there's people. I'm glad you are people.

I don't understand how the people in these "couples" around me, are weaker, now that they've found "love". I've always thought love made you stronger. What I see around me, is almost parasitic.

I had an art teacher who tried stuff with me. I still HATE thinking about it. I wish I had been old enough to slap him.

You know how there's people who just make you smile? There doesn't have to be a concrete reason, they just do.

You might think it weird, but every time I say "All my love", I mean all my love. Even though I don't know most of you in person, and even though I know I won't meet most of you in real life. AND even though all I know about you is what you wish to reveal with your writing.

I like mischief. The other day, I saw this short lil thing standing at a crowded bus stop with a glass of water in her hand. She'd very nicely take in a sip, and spit it out. Not at all perturbed by the number of people she was drenching in the process. I wish I'd had a camera!!

I like innocence too. Contrary to what people think- I'm not some city bred chica who looks condescendingly on people who've come from a more sheltered background- I don't laugh at their "rustic" charm.

I smile, because I like the simplicity. People who order two plates of the same thing and go through them one by one uncaring of what it looks like. Mismatched clothes. Not understanding every sarcastic comment or innuendo.

So, I hope you had a good Monday. Because surprisingly, I did.

All my love.

Fate, I'm telling you.

2008-08-02T00:56:00.006+05:30

Fate, I'm telling you, that I had to watch this movie. Terrible fate, not good fate. I wouldave used exclamation marks if it were good fate, no? Pah.

Even if you get free tickets for Kismat Connection, DO NOT go for it. It is absolutely trash.

With a name like "kismat connection" I wondered if the director/ producer/ whomsoever-it-may-concern could do just that little bit more to make his piece more original and less tacky than what that the name already implies. Sadly, I was disappointed. Disappointed big time. There's no connection of kismat anywhere, except for maybe mine, and that too not for the good.

There's nothing in the movie that even remotely resembles the "feel good factor" that romantic films are supposed to have. If this can be called romantic, that is. There's like zilch chemistry between the two stars, in fact, Vidya looks like Shahid's mother.

You can predict every dialogue to the last letter; it's THAT terribly scripted. The songs suck too. They pop up in weird places and aren't even the kind you could swing to.

There's nothing different in it- Actually, if I were to make a film about the story of my life, even THAT would be better than this. I dunno how to describe it, it's just CRAP. I nodded off in between and even then wanted to bang my head on the wall when it came to an end. Oh wait, it's as bad as Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. And don't go try watching it, just so you can help me describe it better.

It's got nothing. Nada. Zilch. If I had to give it marks on a scale of ten, I'd pick up an egg and take a nice clean shot at it.

All in all, it sucks. It sucks more if you've already seen Jaane Tu. Which uses all new actors, is a love story too, and yet even though you aren't gleaning any knowledge from the two odd hours you spend watching it, you can at least have a few good laughs.

And in case you've missed the point, here's me making it again-

DO NOT WATCH KISMAT CONNECTION!!

Stand up for yourself.

2008-07-31T19:20:00.003+05:30

Yes.

It finally worked.

I hated every time that she had to give in to him. I hated every time she chose to believe he was right, over what I was telling her. I didn't hate it for the reason that she wasn't listening to me, I hated it because he was destroying her. And even if she did see it, she thought she was incapable of standing up for herself.

Ok. You have no idea who I'm talking about. Remember this friend I'd told you guys about? The one who let her brother control her life?

She's FINALLY realized what he was doing to her, was wrong. And she's FINALLY actually started standing up for herself. I realize it will be hard, and he might react badly, but I'm there for her. Everyone in college is behind her.

Finally. And I couldn't be more relieved!!

And for anyone and everyone who is reading this, please DO NOT give in to abuse of any kind. Stand up for yourself and the people you love, because no one, not even you, has the right to ill treat you.

All my love.

Know thyself.

2008-07-06T23:36:00.007+05:30

Everyone seems to be on the lookout for something. That "something", in almost ALL of these cases is almost always happiness. Spell it whichever way. With a 'y' or an 'i'. If it's not happiness that is on the list, then there's things that you think will bring you happiness.

But I don't get why people are searching for it. Being it is possibly the simplest thing ever. Being it, not getting it. If happiness (y or i) were something you could get, it would by default mean, that it were also something you could lose. When you "get" it, you entity-fy it. It's a thing now. No longer a feeling, an abstract noun. Which is not what happiness (y or i) (from now on, every time you read happiness, read the "y or i" with it, until you are told to not do so) is.

Say, it is an entity- that will go on to mean that you get it from some place or some person and you lose it to some person or at some place. Two people/ things participate in this relationship, thus establishing a dependency. This dualism, is in my opinion, why there's very few people who ARE actually happy.

I'm no saint. I haven't given up materialistic things. I still derive joy from small things. But this fleeting feeling of pleasure or pain is not what I refer to as happiness. Happiness is a sense of being, to me. It is something that I am. It isn't something that I'm looking for from another person. It isn't something that depends on whether it rains today or not. Or on whether or not I receive an unexpected call. It is something that runs in my blood. So much so that, it makes me feel lighter. A bigger person. At peace. Free of entrapment.

I'm probably making little sense, as usual. But I'll take an example.

Most people of my generation, have already been through a multitude of love- relationships by the time they get to my age. I've been through one. It lasted a couple of months only for a varied number of reasons. Point was, for the first time in my life I was head over heals in love- butterflies-in-the-stomach, when-you're-holding-me-you-drown-out-the-crowd, smile-stuck-on-face-love.. When it came to an end, for a lot of time, there was no emotion. Which gave way to a total loss of self. Which in turn faded into this gut wrenching pain that just refused to go away.

What I kept questioning was how come I was suffering so much when "being in love" is supposed to be one of the best things people ever experience. How come I'd given up smiling, let alone living. Introspection lead to the realization that for some reason I had been denying the fact that I was/ had been in love. I'd been trying to convince myself that it had just been something I'd had to go through. Blocking thoughts. That the guy in concern, was just somebody. I'd get over him. It.

Question was/is, how do you get over something you won't even acknowledge? Enlightenment didn't come to me under no tree. But come it did. I was in love. Where was I going denying it? Loving someone did not entail being loved in return. Loving someone did not entail well, anything. Loving someone, was just, loving someone. Being in love.

When it had to go, it would go. If it wasn't meant to go, then it wouldn't. With him, I've known what are the best days of my life, so far. I've actually gotten "love letters". I've smiled and still do at the barest thought of this person. I've gotten up with the biggest of smiles on my face for weeks. I've felt the tingle, the butterflies. I felt gorgeous every time he called me that. It's been three years, and I still feel the same when I think of him.

It's all still there. So deep rooted, that there IS no point trying to deny it. When I give myself up to these pleasures, these feelings, I am free. I am no longer bound with the need to reject, get over, cry or worry. I am no longer bound. I just am.

Being in love is just who I am now. It's not something I can surgically remove. It's not a thing. It's not an entity. It's just me.

I understand that maybe this wasn't "it". He wasn't "the one". I understand that there will be better times. But until then, why deny myself? Why try to go against what I'm feeling? Why question? Why judge. Why not "just be"? This isn't an exam I have to work for!!

Which brings me to the point of putting you through these excruciating details- just like love, happiness just is. You are happiness. However, you won't realize it, feel it, experience it until you've shaken off the chains that bind you. The conditions you've set. The dualism you bring in only strengthens the mental prison.

Happiness in knowledge. It's knowing yourself. Like when you fall in love- the other person doesn't complete you in the way you think he or she does. You weren't "half" before they came along. You just didn't know alot about the person you are. Being with this person lets you get in touch with you. Be more of you. THAT is the completeness you feel.

Happiness is when you stop looking for "it" in things or people. It's something that you carry in yourself. A state of being you will achieve, only when you know yourself. A place in which things happen because they happen. Nothing you can do or could have done can change things. The outcome of an event has no bearing on you. It's a state of innocence that is free of the "I".

It's a sense of celebration that comes from the freedom of being you!

Simple.

Heehaw.

2008-07-01T22:16:00.003+05:30

Yep.

I'm in.

This, now, is my time.

2008-06-29T22:43:00.002+05:30

So, tomorrow is D day.

Everyone around me seems to be more confident than I ever will be about this whole thing.

Good thing with me is, I start freaking out around a week before things are to actually happen- which means I've gotten it all "out of my system" by then.

True, that doesn't guarantee a good nights sleep today considering nothing I've spent the past week studying is going to be asked tomorrow and everything that I haven't spent time practicing will.

Will not go down without a fight however.

Wish me luck!

All my love.

Why is all the rum gone?!

2008-06-26T22:01:00.004+05:30

So, I have exactly three days to go before I sit for my "placements". Three days and an hour to be precise. Which, I find comfort in being, considering that it adds a whole hour to the time I have left before the biggest debacle of this year, in my life.

Sigh.

Yes, like you can see, I'm freaking out. And this is when I'm sitting for a job, that I don't even want. I mean, I want it in the sense that I want to get accepted. I don't want it in the sense that I don't intend on ever joining there unless of course CAT is the second biggest debacle of my life (not this year) and I have to write GMAT which won't turn out to be the third biggest debacle of my life (and the third of the year) which would require me to have worked for at least two years before applying for an MBA. Which would be worth anything only if my score meant getting into the top 5 universities.

Which, I'm sure, you all know, how capable and deserving I consider myself to be of. Bad things come in three's right? Well, here's the perfect opportunity. I think I'll palpitate to death before Monday even comes.

Fact is, even while I love the subjects that I've put under my "Areas of Interest", I remember surprisingly little of the minute details, WHICH is what the interviewer will ask of me. IF I get to the interview round, which looks nice and tough because the written has its set of technical questions too. And best part is, section wise cut offs. Yay me, if I haven't said it before.

Which is followed by a GD (this is where they throw out like 60% of the short listed candidates), after which will come two rounds of interviews. And while the technical part is scaring me, the HR is scaring me even more!

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

I've got to get back to my books. Have yourselves a pleasant weekend!

All my love.

Studying!!

2008-06-23T00:48:00.002+05:30

This is what I end up doing when I REALLY REALLY have to study.

Cups of mirth.

2008-06-20T17:30:00.005+05:30

From the moment we get up to the time our heads hit the pillow at night- we ask ourselves questions. Some questions we're too scared to ask. We know the answers to others, and ask them anyway- because we need to hear the words. The thing we don't realize is, is that when the answers are different from the ones we expect, even the ones with good answers, THAT is the moment that brings us happiness.

Right.

Way too much thought into that. I wish I could put it better, but I'm feeling too much levity.

Reason?

If one must pin point, then I'd have to say, it was a trip back to school that's brought a smile on this face. Funny thing though, it wasn't one that included friends and sitting in my old classroom and just being kids again. Ok, so you can take off the "again" in that sentence, but you get the idea.

This one was just me. Involved judging (third time in a row). It's amazing to see how people still remember you. I'm so proud of my sister. Because more than just being remembered for me, I think I'm remembered because of her for me.

It was so funny. I was in the classroom where the competition was taking place (the one that I had to judge) just fooling around the my sis and her friends and this kid from the back of the class looks at me and signals asking who the judges were and when they would come!!

I got to school early and so went and sat in the auditorium with some of my sister's other friends who were compering for the event that was going on. This guy, also an ex student of some other school, around my age, went onto stage to announce the winners of the event he had being called to judge and he says, "Before I announce the results, I've got only one thing to say - KALANJALI ROCKS". And you will not believe, but it was like I was back at school, an organizer myself, because you wouldn't have found me sitting all prim and proper clapping my hands at this comment- I was right THERE with the others yelling and cheering.

Everyone started cheering when my bio was being read! When I had to go up on stage to announce the results of the event I had come for, and told them current BVMites how they had outdone themselves this year, there was even more cheering. And the judges of the event that we had to disturb to make these announcements sat with puzzled faces wondering who this new celebrity was. Only to find out that the cheering was because I was one an ex student, and two because I was a sister.

I realize how "old" I've become only on occasions like these, when I go back to school, and I'm NOT in my school uniform. Thankfully, my teachers still look on me as "not old" and don't "thank me for taking out time to come back to school" with the mementos, and in fact admonish me for not coming unless invited! The mementos in haven't changed in the three years that I've been out, and I have three cups with "BVM" on them, to prove just that :D

I wish everyone had been there with me. It would have made for an even more perfect memory!! There will be other times, I tell myself. There will be other times.

Hope your day was as good as mine,

All my love.

-------------------
Singing-

I´m gonna organize some changes in my life
I´m going to exorcise the demons of my past
I´m gonna take your car and hit the open road
I´m feeling levity just open up and go

I just feel like I can do anything
But all my life I´ve wished to be
I´m going to decide just what I wanna be
Make my wildest dreams come true

What do you read my lord? #2

2008-06-17T20:35:00.005+05:30

I FINALLY managed to sit down and study today!! And not for five minutes, but a whole two and a half to three hours!! And I intend to put in the same amount in the night. It's a change to not being able to call myself a laggard.

Laggard, comes from "lag" and hence is hence what Joey calls a "freebie". It refers to a person who is lazy. 'Could also be used to call someone a slowpoke or a loafer. (Which is NOT how I used it when I was refering to me :D) In share markets, it's used to refer to a stock which is underperforming.

Which also means that holidays are officially over for me. I had a month, which is more than I had planned to spend- and hence, now it is time to make up for it. I really don't sound as excited as I am at the prospect. Really. Pinky swear. Oh wait, I can't lie then! *takes it back, takes it all back*

It IS a different sort of excitement. Which I really will describe when verbosity is not an issue. The reason of the "excitement" though, is pretchy simple- An excellent CAT score, and ultimately an admission into one of the IIMs, which for me will mark the start of halcyon times.

Halcyon derives from Latin (h)alcyon, from Greek halkuon, "a mythical bird, kingfisher." This bird is one that is fabled to nest at sea about the time of the winter solstice and calm the waves during incubation.

We use the word as an adjective to mean "serene, calm, peaceful, undisturbed" in "deep halcyon repose". Or to mark "peace and prosperity" as in "halcyon years" which is how I have used it.

We're probably the funniest family on the planet- we write emails to talk to each other. And it's not like we reside at opposite ends of the planet- we live under the very same roof. Whatever the means, I've said what I had to say. And am finally, pleasantly, relieved.

"This dark, opprobrious den of shame," states Milton. Opprobrium>,the noun form of the word, hence, refers to reproach or disgrace that is caused by something outrageously shameful.

F.D.Roosevelt uses a synonymous word infamy to mark a date as, "a date which will live in infamy". The opposite of which when used with respect to people means roughly translates to celebrity.

Speaking of shamefulness an obloquy is the usage of abusive/ slanderous/ censorious language used to defame a person. It's easier to remember than opprobrious because it derives from two very simple roots- ob which means "against" + loqui "to speak" .

Addison uses it in the same way when he asks "Shall names that made your city the glory of the earth be mentioned with obloquy and detraction?"

And with that, me childrens, good night.

What do you read, my lord? #1

2008-06-16T21:23:00.005+05:30

Turns out, having too many songs at your disposal, isn't ALL that great. Because by the time you find just the "right" song, you're ready to move on. You get a Ben E. King "Stand by me" when you want to pound on something, and a Beatles "All you Need is Love" when THAT emotion is the last thing you want to even think about. You get the idea. I'm telling you, I spend most of my time just pressing the next button. Even with a shuffle on!

Also, The Happening, IS not all that you're hoping it will be. Here's a brilliant review on the same.

Words for the day?

1. I might refer to the general conviction and the common sense of society that such an investment cannot be treated as absolutely idle and nugatory.
Nugatory therefore refers to something that is trivial, ineffective, futile, something trifling.

2. Rannygazzo- is an awesome word I found in one of the Wodehouse s I was recently reading. It refers to "nonsense". For example, let's not pay attention to all that rannygazzo.

3. Picaresque is something that is of or pertaining to rogues or adventurers. Just like an article is picturesque when it talks about a beautiful scenery or to be precise describes a painting, picaresque comes from Spanish picaresco, from picaro, that means rogues and hence, the book on Robinhood is picaresque novel.

Hope you had a happy Monday!!

Playboy baby.

2008-06-15T21:25:00.003+05:30

So, I've finally gotten my first "perfume", and feel all grown up and lady like- a statement which prompted my mom to admit that the other day when I'd gotten all dressed up to go out, she thought I still looked eight. And THIS is when I'm dressed up.

Sigh. I think it's the smile and the dimples. Whatever. Point is, I got me perfume! Playboy nonetheless. My sis seems to have some sort of a fascination with "playboy"- not that I am complaining, because I love it. So, thank you.

And mom, in case you're reading this- a perfume is NOT a substitute for the laptop you promised me if I ever made it across the 9.5 mark- which I did, by a whole 1.625 if I may point out.

Today, there are no words. Because, it's SUNDAY!! And also, because I happened to read the newspaper today- front and back. And guess what I found? Another one of those articles on the Law and Rape Victims- what I think can be summarised into the following points:

1. THESE articles should be in the MAIN PAPER and not in some supplement to be used as space fillers. Because, some power- hungry-wanting-to-win-the-peoples-vote politician might just read one of these, and want to do something about how the law deals with such cases.

2. On second thought, maybe THAT's why the newspaper guys put it in the supplement. So that, some power- hungry-wanting-to-win-the-peoples-vote politician might just read one of these. Or have it read to him. I haven't been giving the newspaper guys their dues.

3. Yes, I know the word for newspaper guys is journalist. No, I didn't have to look google up to figure that out. I just didn't think they deserved the title.

4. Moving on, to all you ladies out there (DO NOT tell me if your reaction to that was "out where?!" and a cheesy grin) BE CAREFUL.

I've grown up around family that mostly advocates "don't talk to strangers", and so have probably the youngsters of more than half of the world. But point is, "don't talk to strangers" is just not feasible. Hence, don't talk to people two types of people- people who sound too smooth and those who make you uncomfortable.

That should narrow things down a bit. But then again, these days the bad guys know THIS, and hence the wolves will actually be the "sweet lil baccha type" things. Or not, since they're figured out that you might have figured all of that out, and hence will be one of the two types that I formerly mentioned.

Ok, I'll stop. You see where I was going with that. Moral of the story- Be smart. Not, like my friend on Splitsvilla Varun says, over smart.

Hope you had a pleasant weekend, and have a not horrible Monday (like those exist). I, WILL have one that IS not horrible, though I don't think holidays count when you debate the whole horrible Monday thing.

All my love.

What do you read, my lord?

2008-06-13T21:28:00.005+05:30

It's Friday the 13th, and I feel like writing.

Why is that a problem?

It's not a problem, it's just spooky.

*is singing How to Save A Life*

There's exactly one reason why I'd love to visit the states, other than "seeing the world"- it's to raid all the art shops they have. The fabric, the paper, the other tiny little accessories that make all the difference!!!

If you happen to be a member of any of these blog communities, you really should take the time to stop by the ones which are tagged with "Scrap booking" and if you're not, then you really should join one. People live such wholesome lives, and I keep thinking mine will be that way one day too. Only, I wonder why it can't be that way today?

I surprised myself with more wrong answers than right in a recent mock CAT, which is why henceforth, even if I have nothing to write- you will find a post on "word of the day", every day, at the very least. Verbal was supposed to be my strongest part!! Anyway, today's are actually very simple and appear in the newspapers alot-

1. The author has established the nexus between politicians and bureaucrats.
Nexus comes from nectere or to bind. It's mostly used to define a connection based on money between two or more parties.

2. The paperwork got lost in a quagmire of bureaucracy.
A quagmire hence represents a tangle (here) or a predicament of sorts.

3. Cassandra is used to refer to somebody who makes predictions which are never believed but turn out to be true.

According to Greek Mythology, Cassandra was the daughter of King Priam of Troy and his queen Hecuba, who captured the eye of Apollo and was granted the ability to see the future,as a gift from him. Love turned sour, and since he couldn't take the gift back he "extended" his gift so as to see to it that she would be destined to never be believed.

Moral of the story, my teacher informs me us, *wagging a suggesting finger towards the guys* is to be careful with what you give to your girl friends.

---------------

As can be seen, I'm almost back to normal. So, be nice, and visit more often and let me know what you think!!

Lotsaluv always.

I probably deserved to be killed for this.

2008-06-12T15:13:00.006+05:30

Yes, another template change. That one was WAY too colorful and "flowery" for my tastes. Plus I think it's high time I stopped trying to "cheer things up" and accept what everyone is accepting. Sad part is that even as I say it, I don't want to give up or give in or both. I want to do it right. Get it done. Close doors to the past. Embrace the future. Fly on a cloud.

"Our lives begin to end the day we start keeping silent about things that matter."

Does it really? Begin to end that day? What about the day, when you've bled yourself dry TELLING people about things that really matter, and STILL see no sign of acknowledgement or change?

When do parents stop listening? When do they start filtering so that they hear just what they like? When even laying things down like they are, crying your heart out in front of them bring out no

I've cried.

I've yelled.

I've put into words everything YOU were supposed to have seen for yourself. That you should have gathered by reading between the lines. That you should have heard, when I was trying to talk. I made it easier for you, I spelt it out. Not once, not twice, not a hundred- but at least ten times.

And still you continue to ignore the fact that there IS something wrong. I know, that there is. I even know WHAT it is. But somehow, you seem to think that it's all a figment of my over active imagination- even after you've seen the pain written on my face.

You haven't even TRIED to change your ways. You haven't tried to lessen the burden that I carry. You haven't started talking more, snipping less. You haven't started sharing more, complaining less. You haven't started letting me live more, letting yourself live more.

Every self derogatory remark you've passed- I've considered my responsibility. I've even made it my business to see that you don't have to ever repeat it. What about the ones I've made about myself? What have you done with those?

I've had to sit and write letters to you, so that you could KNOW what I really had to say. WHY I was doing what I was doing. WHY I wasn't doing what I wasn't doing. HOW I realized what I wanted to do.

At first I thought it was all in my head. That reading too many books, had imprinted on my mind what "happily ever after" would look like. But as I've grown, I've realized that everyone has their own versions of "happily ever after". There are no definite s. And hence, when you never asked what I wanted from life, when you never asked why I wanted what I did want; what made me choose one value over another; what made me choose the design for the kitchen I wanted in my dream house- I figured it was okay. I wondered. I hoped that you would ask, yes. But I also made excuses for you.

The other day, when my aunt asked me what my house would look like, when she actually listened to it, and told me that I would not only have all of that, but more, something in me died. Another part of me died.

And still, instead of blaming you, or cursing you, I sit here hating myself for even actually putting all of this down on paper, even as I do. With every word that I type, I'm making excuses for you. Justifying your actions. Telling myself, that you are just different parents. Everyone is different.

Should I be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, have been doing that for the better part of my life?

I don't know what an achievement feels like. I don't know what a million other feelings, that I should have felt by now, feel like. I know what they are SUPPOSED to feel like, but I haven't felt them.

Don't get me wrong. I've felt happiness, yes. But not at the usual you-bought-me-an-ipod for my birthday happiness, as you would expect a normal child to feel. I've felt happy on the odd day that you both have spoken to each other. I've felt happy and safe on the odd day that I've walked into your room in the morning, to see you two snuggled up together. On the odd occasion that I've seen you poke fun at each other.

Do you see where all this is wrong? Do you see a twenty year old anywhere in all of this? No, I didn't think so.

I'm NOT supposed to ACCOMODATE your feelings, YOU are supposed to accomodate MINE. I'm NOT supposed to be watching my words, YOU are supposed to be watching yours- to protect me. You are supposed to be protecting me from getting hurt, instead of the other way.

-----------------------

It seems important to get all of this down on paper once and for all- because unless I'm using my hands to key in what the voices in my head are saying, I'm suffocating. I've tried. I've tried a million times to be fair to you- and not give words to what these voices are saying- because it would seem almost like I'm disrespecting you, or what you stand for. I'm not.

But if you really are the roles that you have been given to play, then you will understand why this was necessary. I love you. I just wish I didn't have to act grown up all the time.

Splitsvilla.

2008-06-07T19:59:00.006+05:30

This seems to be another one in my series against the trash (however comical and liable to give you THE splits (only makes sense, to make that sound like a disease))(I think this is the first time I've used braces inside braces. Hmmm) that is on T.V. these days. Today's special- Splitsvilla.

Official tag- a new romance-based reality show, where Love is War. Jezus. 20 "hot" girls compete for two "hot" guys. The winner finds not only "love" but a nice 5 lac rupees AND a chance to host a show on T.V. All the bindings of true loue, wouldn't you say?

One of the guys is a skinny short shit who got thrown out of Roadies. Another can't be shot down on account of being short or skinny, but is another person who got kicked out of Roadies, and couldn't compete with a termite on account of intelligence.

Both of them, sit on their toadstools and shoot out stuff like "So-and-So you're confy, that's good. But being over confy is bad." (to which the So-and-So in question nods her head vigorously to show her assent) and to another So-and-So "You've played well. Very well. But this isn't a game to us". My pretty ass it's not.

They girls who weren't "dumped" were the ones who'd managed to win the hearts of our two lonesome bachelors by dancing on the top of a table amongst other things. True love = ability to dance on table tops. One poor lil darling who announced she enjoyed philosophy, kinda threw the axe on her own foot, because our desperately- looking- for- love guys wouldn't know how to even spell that word. Oh and by the by, guess what each of them said in their intros- we're looking for girls with a sense of humor. Which in turn obviously implies intelligence.

And MTV should obviously be revered for the great oppurtunity they're offering us people. For the stage that they have set, obviously invites nothing but the most intelligent of people. Announcing, and eagerly waiting to prove how "bold" they are. Top notch brains of the country, my friend, absolute top notch.

I can understand something along the lines of trying to find true love through television- there's something similar on Travel and Living, I forget the name. But having 20 girls fight for you? 18 girls whom you "dump" while on this quest, because they refuse to dance on table tops or don't stand on the roof and shout "I'm daring, try me". 2 girls whom you choose based on their style of dressing, and what moves(yes, plural) when they dance?

Enchanted. Absolutely enchanted.

Doy!

2008-06-01T20:22:00.003+05:30

So, television is my latest source of amusement. You don't even have to be following a particular show or season to dissolve into fits of laughter. All you have to do is flip through channels.

Today's flipping resulted in something striking- There's some reality show on MTV called TVS Scooty Ms Teen (or something along those lines). Apparently everyone likes to watch and hear crabby teenagers who are tested on their bitchiness and gossipy flair.

Anyway, they have this "voting out" round, in which, once the "safe" contestants have voted for whom they wish to "save" from the ones in the "danger zone"- the girls who were in the danger zone are made to sit on a TVS Scooty each. Guess what happens next?

The VJ who is hosting that particular episode, hands them keys. Only one of which will start a bike. And the person whose bike starts, is safe.

Beat that on the lame- meter.

update 31/5/2008

2008-05-31T08:30:00.003+05:30

It's been ages since I've actually given in to the urge to write. I've wanted to, but I haven't been able to. Being busy is only part of the excuse. The part that is not an excuse, is the fact that everything that I've had to say, would have been way too personal. And I just felt like a cheat for even having had those thoughts.

Anyway, turns out, moving around during exam time, works for me. I've ended up with a 9.6 gpa this time. I'm still living in disbelief. Coming right up are lots of mock cats and placements, so I'm supposed to be busy with getting ready for all of that.

It's way too early in the morning for me to be articulate! Hence, I shall stop. But I'm going to write more often, no matter who reads this and no matter who doesn't.

Cheerio!

P.S. This template is starting to bug me!!

Absolutely no idea what to call this one

2008-04-25T23:46:00.000+05:30

Ohmigod. You guys who have free access to T.V. must have seen this advertisement- and I just CANNOT believe no one has told me about it before!! And if you haven't, you've just GOT to see it. It's THE most unbelievable thing on the entire planet. And when I say entire planet, I mean the entire planet. And you know how badly I do exageration. And if you don't know how badly I do exageration, then go see it.

Help comes to those who seek it, no? Well, apparently the person you're suppose to go to for help regarding your under garments is this person called "Laxmi Chachi"- she really has got all the answers, plus she's really got all the answers. Anything you want to know- elastics that give away, fabrics that don't last- any of it. All you have to do is ask. On T.V. And don't think people don't ask. They do. On T.V. About underwear that tears to fast and stuff.

Go on, switch on your televisions, and watch it for yourselves. You know you want to.

Surprisingly enough, this time exam time is making my posts shorter in lenght than ever. Lucky you! For those of you in the same boat as me, may the forces be with you.

All my love.

P.S.

2008-04-21T23:23:00.003+05:30

They packed the toaster, with the toast in it! Lol. Crazy buggers. Not make sense? Let's take it from the top.

I'm shifting houses. And the packer guys, they packed the toaster, along with the toast in it. Yeah, it is exactly like it sounds.

It's always foolish to despair.

2008-04-15T20:37:00.005+05:30

There's something in the wind that tells me that this year not a day (other than yesterday and today) will go silent. Uneventful would be more accurate when speaking of days, because days really can't go silent, unless you're the type who thinks that days can talk- then they can go by in silence.

This month, or what's left of it- I'm going to be shifting houses again, which ordinarily is super fun. Only this time, it's right in between my final exams. Once that is done, I have my placements starting- for which I need to start studying. I know how much Microsoft and Yahoo want me, but we all need to keep our images.

THAT done, I have my guitar exam scheduled for. After which, I have CAT to write. In between all of that I have final year project work which needs to be flagged off- and I'm like the only person in my team who is going to have to do everything, plus I'm the only person in my team who is going to have to do everything.

*breathe*

It's going to be ALOT, but who doesn't like to be busy? Specially when at the end of it all the person concerned is going to be placed at Microsoft, get calls from all the IIM's, and Microsoft not wanting to lose the person will offer to pay for the person's MBA, and the person is going to pass with merit in her guitar exam and is going to ( going to, going to, going to!) get through college.

Facebook is so addictive. There's like a million things to do. Even if you're too lazy to do all million of them, it's super fun browsing through just what they can do. People however, don't utilize whatever security such sites do offer. And maintaining privacy is very very very important. I'm not being a paranoid freak when I say this- but really really don't just trust anyone who sends you a friend request. And even if you must, there's ways of making really personal details not available to everyone you add. For example, with the photographs thingy- there's means of blocking certain people from seeing your pics, even people on your friend list. Point is, don't be foolish. Socialize, but don't be foolish.

I've also realized and I must digress, if digressing is what this is called, that the Internet (facebook in particular) is so for people who don't have a social life. I'm totally one of them, and those of you who are saying Pshaw, she doesn't know what she's talking about- I always know what I'm talking about.

It's awesome when people you left behind over 7 years ago, remember you. I've been "keeping up with them" because my best friends are still there, where I left the ones who I haven't been in touch with still remember me. But it's a supah feeling when you realize that they didn't forget you after all.

Oh and happy nu year! Mine was super happy- considering sis and me spent all our drives on that day singing songs on the top of our voices. It was like old times again. Sigh. We've growing up. And in like a year, we're going to be in different parts of the country all together! You're a pain the arse, but me loves you.

Oh and I won that Really Tough Movie Quiz of TV!! Yeah baby. I never ever win. I think the last time I ever won something before this was Rs.30 in tambola a couple of years ago. But I so totally won this time. I now pronounce you chuck and larry- 500 bucks worth dvd. Too bad my home theatre needs to go for service, but I won baby.

Oh and while we're doing the "baby" thing, guess who can play Stairway to Heaven on the guitar! Sure, it's not as good as my sisters, and needs a lil bit of tweaking, but stairway to heaven baby.

I'm going to stop now, before I go and trip over myself. Don't worry, be happy!

All my love.

Blehhing.

2008-04-07T22:06:00.003+05:30

People can be so cunning and cruel. No, it's not something that has just sunk in. It's just been reinforced. Sigh.

Exam time is back- and I am so not in a mood to study!!! Which is not good. Considering I've not been doing much during the semester either. And best part is, I'm not really bothered. What will be, will be, will be.

I just love the new (not very new, but pretty new) Raymond ad- It has the aaj kal tere mere pyar ke charche song in it. There's not much to it, but I love it anyway. Somehow, that's what I've always pictured relationships to be like- a lil bit of surprise, a lil bit of romance, a lot of humor. Plus, the song is super.

Nothing much else, hope things are looking up on your side.

All my love.

Hmph.

2008-04-04T22:16:00.002+05:30

I don't like it when my friends make new friends. Who are better than me. And can give them things that I presently can't, for reasons that are absolutely real. At least to me.

I don't.

I don't.

I DO NOT.

De- Mystifying the mystery of the lone chappal.

2008-03-29T23:22:00.006+05:30

You know how when you're walking down the road, and you find a lone slipper/ shoe lying on the side, and you smile that small smile and shake your head wondering how the hell it ever got there? Yeah, well, now I know.

The wonderment is less when you find one in the center of the street, because then it's probably because it fell off someone's foot while they were on a bike or something. And if it's on the side and is accompanied with utensils or clothes, you figure it was probably a part of a get- the- hell- out- of- my- house tantrum. But when it's just sitting there all alone- you're flummoxed.

I won't be anymore.

Mothers ARE a whole different breed. And mine belongs to a whole other different breed. Because not only is she the whole sacrificing, peace making body in the house, great cook, dedicated employee, brilliant teacher, can shout at levels that match my sisters' and more- she happens to be the reason for my enlightenment. For de- flummoxing me. For seeing to it that I shall never be flummoxed by a lone slipper on the road side ever again.

Best part is, it was done so carefully, that I hadn't a hint about what was coming.

It all started when ma needed to get down from the car, and couldn't find anything to go onto her other foot. She tried feeling around for the chappal in the darkness- it had to be somewhere in the car after all- but didn't have much luck. Leading to an extensive search of the car, which also turned out to be in vain. The suggestion that it could have been left at the last stop was met with general laughter and we searched with lesser enthusiasm this time round. Because while inane under normal circumstances, the scenario that had been put forth looked more and more probable. How could we find something that wasn't even there?

And just to make sure that we'd left no stone unturned in our search for the lost chappal, we went back to the possible scene of action. And there it was lying just where we'd parked before, looking all lost. That was IT- when it found the first beam of the car's light- that was when the light dawned on me too. When the blinders were removed. When I realized.

So bothered about not smashing the eggs in her hands, she had been- that while getting into the car (for reasons she refuses to make public) she'd taken off her chappals (again, for reasons she refuses to make public) so that exactly one of them had landed outside the car. Carefully placed the eggs in her lap. Closed the door. *And off we'd driven into the sun set*

That's one of life's so far unanswered questions- well, answered.

May the light always be with you. All my love.

Accomplishments have no color.

2008-03-25T19:20:00.004+05:30

If the following outburst hurts anyone's sentiments, I apologize in advance. Also, granted that the exact opposite may be happening to you in another part of the country or the globe: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT ANY WAY, JUST LIKE I DON'T HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING THIS SIDE OF THE WORLD.

This bleddy state and it's people have finally broken me. Actually, why accuse the entire state, let's stick to this godforsaken college, and curse those who are responsible.

Yes, I'm a "north Indian". You guys don't really give a person the choice to be labelled anything else considering everything that is not this state, is North India. Yes, I speak reasonably decent and fluent English. And yes, I do NOT know your language. I cared enough to learn the basics, so that I could TALK to you- NOT because I needed to get work done from you, but because I wanted to TALK to you. Apparently, the same can't be said for you.

I didn't make fun of your customs or your beliefs. People who did make fun of you, who used you in every way they could and all that only because they thought they had the right to, having being born to the "higher strata" of your very religion- are the ones you suck up to. The ones you show your loyalty towards.

Why, I ask myself? And guess what, there's ONLY ONE REASON- because they aren't "north Indians". They speak better English than you too, but hey! they can also bark like the street dog in "your language".

For the first time in my life, I wish I wasn't non judgemental. That I hadn't helped you; that I hadn't cared. That I hadn't tried to understand your culture, like it, enjoy it, embrace it. That I had bullshitted you, the way you dressed, the way you spoke- because apparently, THAT is what you call friendship. Friendship is too strong a word, THAT is how you define humanness.

You bleddy f******.

If you are so worried about losing your language that you find it necessary to make the medium of education in your government intuitions (which are apparently world reputed) not English and if you feel that by talking in English you are in some way still allowing yourself to be ruled by the British (yes, THIS is actually an argument people here use) build a bleddy wall around your state, so that no one who can't speak the language doesn't enter it, in the first place.

The logic apparently is, "you are coming to us, you want us to help you, learn our language, why should we learn yours?" You live in the world you ayyah buggers! You interact with people to not only suit their purposes but yours too! You want to be able to sit in a Harvard with no means of understanding what they have to say to you, or telling them what you think?

YOU are not God's gift to this planet. You are but a mortal, the slime of the earth according to me for thinking the way you do. You have every right to love your religion, your culture, your language- just like I have to mine. You DO NOT have the right to force yours on mine, just like I don't have the right to force mine on yours.

What you did was wrong. Not once did I stop to differentiate between you and me on any grounds. Not once did I believe you would, either. I don't hate easily nor is it easy to get me angry. You angered me so much, I walked myself home in the rain. The way you treated me was wrong. And I hope that some day, you realise it. And will be able to forgive yourself.

And also, I'm not even English!

Jeremiah The Bullfrog

2008-03-23T21:03:00.006+05:30

Jeremiah the bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
Never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
Yes he always had some mighty fine wine

Hello children.

Yes, another template change. And this time it wasn't because I was restless, and the previous one just didn't seem to "fit". This time it was because I was fiddling with some stuff, and lost my customzied template. AND I didn't have a back up on this system. AND the one I did have, kept doing weird stuff.

So, I spent the entire day finding something that DID "fit". Be nice.

Have you watched the new Airtel advert yet?!! It's brilliant. It's bleddy brilliant. And it teaches a valuable lesson- parents need to take time out for their children. No matter the demands of your job, no matter the pressures of "real life". THIS, now, is what you've wanted all your life. THIS, now, is THE DREAM. You're living it. And if you don't realize that you are, and enjoy it, you're just going to be one of those old people who'll have more to regret than be happy about.

In fact, that philosophy holds true for everything. It's just more important when it comes to children. Because, you're affecting more lives than one. You're not only robbing yourself, you're robbing the bundle of joy you prayed for; you live for.

And while the wine he has is absolutely fine, I'm not drunk. And yet, I feel high. Which is surprising considering I've spent the entire weekend moping, for some unknown reason. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts. Don't worry, be happy.

All my love.

I could wake up dead tomorrow morning!

2008-03-19T20:37:00.004+05:30

I so have a death wish.

First, I get flung off a bus- as***** started moving while I still climbing. Only to be told, that the bus was going to the depot- If it's not on duty, take the bleddy board off!! I almost cracked my wrist. But that's ok. I've cursed him so that his thingy turns green.

Second, on my way back home? The bus I was in got hit by another bus that was trying to over take it- and guess who all the glass fell on? That's right. Yours truly. I just hope I've gotten all of the glass out of my hair- it's almost 9:00 PM and I just found another small shred. I'm scared.

Next, my sister decided to box my nose- and I DIDN'T even do anything today! I swear. She was sleeping when I got home, and THIS when she got up.

And the best part is, the day isn't over yet.

Sigh.

Breaking News!

2008-03-16T12:30:00.003+05:30

My “little” sister is reading Mills & Boons these days. My little sister. Mills and Boons. *Looks for a wall to hit head on* With all the gross sex- lines and the meaningless banter that the unimaginative characters share. You do share banter don’t you?

I mean it’s almost unlikely that I’ll meet my “prince charming” across the boardroom table, and in that first instance that our eyes meet the room will be charged with sexual tension thick enough to be cut with a knife. How did people come up with this one? Cutting of tension with a knife?!

Now, where was I? Aah, yes. Eyes have met. Him in his immaculately custom made suit, and her in her good- little- secretary clothes. What he read in her gaze was anything but good. Oh it would be good, it just wasn’t the same good that her clothes were supposed to portray. Tempted to ruffle her a little, the cold metallic pen in his hand found it’s way on her bare thigh. Satisfied with the stiffening of her back, he let himself a discrete smug grin and continued playing. Only for it to be wiped out, by the leg making it’s way up his leg under the table.

As soon as the room clears out, they Do It on the table. She doesn’t believe in love, but he knows she’s “the one”. He sticks around and tries to show her in every way possible that it is possible to have it all. He meets with an accident; she realizes how much she does love him. And then they live happily ever after.

Unlikely. In fact, not even remotely possible. But they make for a good read, short and have this feel good factor, considering all of them have happy endings. What will not be any of these things, is something like the following-

Their eyes met across the temple. Shocked by her own daring at having locked eyes with a total stranger, she scurried hurriedly around the temple two more times, begging for forgiveness. On coming out, her first thought was to ditch her footwear, because standing exactly where she’d let her Bata Chappals, was that man.

How could she possibly ignore him? Even bare- chested and in a lungi, he looked absolutely lip smacking. And while the thought itself would have sent her running back inside, the answering heat in his gaze kept her still. Only to be shocked out of the daze by the rain pelting down.

Now that her sari had become transparent and their eyes had met, they just had to get married. And had children immediately- he had after all, seen her breasts! Something even contraception can’t save you from.

Saucy, eh?

*puke*

I’d rather read about some Italian Millionaire, than a long haired- bell bottomed guy. Of visiting Rome, or Venice or The Ritz instead of some village with sprawling fields and no electricity or water or some city in which when you looked down from your pent houses’ window, you could see cows in the middle of the street of (terribly structured sentence, but you get the idea).

I don’t know what kind of an audience they wish to draw, by setting characters in settings, which instead of making you feel all mushy and romantic, make you want to laugh so hard that a little pee comes out.

Though I think I’d rather my little sister read these indianized (Sure, that’s a word) versions.

Disclaimer- The above mentioned situations and characters are TOTALLY fictional and exist only, if they must exist, in the author s imagination and bear no resemblance to any person living or dead.

I laugh to keep from crying.

2008-03-12T20:30:00.000+05:30

My hatred and frustration at being in the place that I am in, grows exponentially with each passing day. So much so, that instead of wanting to hit my head on a wall, I now am thrown into fits of laughter that don't stop until every muscle in my body is hurting. THAT's how much crazier I'm getting.

The latest bout of laughter was brought on thanks to excerpt from the newsletter of the Personality Development Association, nothing less, that I came across- which in it's "From TEAM PDA" had this to say :

It conducts yearly festivals like .... and also inter school events to elate the students into eminent personalities through the festival... You get the idea... It has also been bringing out the various hidden beauties of the students in the home magazine "PERSOPLUS" which is considered as the forum for expressing the views of the students.

The end reads- Thus, in this Silver Jubilee year we dedicate ourselves to the worthy ideals of the PDA to the betterment of the students and to make them a shining star in the Indian sky.

Best part is- this is just from the first column on the first page. I have yet to tell you about the Editorial which states, and I quote,

"Persoplus(the name of the magazine), as usual, has been kindling the hidden treasures of the students by inviting them to unlock their views on various current themes."

The pages to come, keep in line with the standard set on this first page- and there's this one article that beats anything you could have ever read in your life- I'm trying to get hold of the soft copy.

Oh and there's more to come. This, even though relates to my department- has absolutely nothing to do with me- (Haven't changed a single letter, by the by)

"Dear Friends,
The Information Technology Association of blah blah blah, the rich & the unique techfest of its kind on the 23rd Feb 2k8. We on behalf of ITA cordially invite you to be a part of blah.

... with its variety of events ranging from technical paper presentation to Programming contests for the technical geeks and from Quizzes to gaming for the Challenge loving ones will surely provide some refreshments fro the grey cells and some weights for your wallet and lots of fun and enjoyments. Just check out into blah on feb 23ed for a one to one fight with the best geeks and the adventurous ones and also challenge the world and prove yourselves through our online events which start as early as the first week of February...

Don't Miss IT! "

DON'T MISS IT.

To our seniors, while cordially (again) inviting them for the Alumini meet, we say (amongst other things), and I quote (again)-

We would like u to relish the moment with your presence.

No one's asking for high funda words. Just correct grammar!! How hard is it to get someone who does know a little more about the language than you do, to proof read what you've written? Guys can be such pains!!

Anyway, that's all from me. Had more to say, but after having had to recall all this, I'm ready to get drunk.

Toodles!

-------------------
The point of this post is NOT to poke fun or sound "holier than thou".

Dearest D

2008-03-09T15:28:00.006+05:30

I could put this in my “will and last testament”, to be given to you only when I’m no longer around, and even though I hate to deny it- I have an ulterior motive. As much as I want you to know what you mean to me, I want you to know what you mean to me and reciprocate or at least be glad. Beholden, in a way.

For those of you who don’t know me, cut out the theatrical shocks- this ain’t no courtroom drama. But you know this about me. Probably don’t even hold it against me. And like you’ve told me a hundred times, in some corner of my head, I know it’s ok, that it’s natural. We all do it. Play these games. Somehow, it still feels like cheating. Which is why, I write this here, where you won’t find it- until it is in fact a part of my “will and last testament” to be given to you, when I’m no longer around.

After each conversation that we’ve had in the middle of the night that stretched into the early morning because the darkness was scary; each time that my eye falls on one of the many cards of yours that are pinned on the soft board in my room, I’ve opened up my laptop (alright, alright, dad’s laptop), ready to write just the right thing in just the right words- that conveyed more than I was able to say or show you, how much you mean to me.

Each time I come across one of those photographs of us in school- mischief in our eyes and ready to take on the world. Each time I open up that one message you sent so so very long ago that I’ve saved in my inbox, every time I need something, anything, to keep me going- so much so, that it’s no longer a conscious action. I didn’t want it to sound banal and it couldn’t sound like you were second best to anyone else in my life.

It had to be able to tell you that you’re the voice in my head (One of them) urging me to give in and laugh. To believe, that I am in fact, strong. You listen to my rambling and my lectures and my weird theories with the patience of a saint. You know of almost every thought I’ve thought- the good, the bad and the ugly. And you still (or at least say that you do) like the person that I am. You even let me live the illusion that I am in fact a good person, which, I really am not. And that I am able. And wisdomous (Sure, it’s a word.).

And even though we share the most unconventional best friend bond, what with the different cities and all- you are mine. Best friend. And more. It is you I miss, when I’m at the movies with my friends to throw pop corn at snogging couples- even if you have elevated to that status yourself *gag*. It is you whom I miss, when the monsters of the dark threaten my sanity.

But most of all, it is you whom I miss when I’m happy.

So, even though there’s no way of ever saying this properly- Lord knows I’ve tried- I’ll stick to the simplest, shukriya.

All my love.

Yeah. Exam tomorrow.

2008-03-05T23:06:00.005+05:30

I know I keep coming back to this, but it's just because I have no answers. I get the whole "don't trust anyone too much" thing. I even get the "nothing lasts forever". I get that trust/ faith/ love/ blah blah are all just abstract nouns- hell I've told you what I think a million times at least.

So why am I here again? Because while I "knew" these things, "saw" these things, I did really somewhere believe that this couldn't be ALL of it. That if I believed enough, even if somewhere deep down I clung on and kept my dreams, I'd be proven wrong. That somehow, somewhere I'd "see the light". Be enlightened.

And to tell you the actual absolute truth, the whole "love of your life" thing, I really couldn't care less about; the "friends are forever" , through thick and thin and all that- I DID believe in.

Sure, I've had my share of bad luck on the way- but I'd figured that if someone could stand you/ stand with you through the worst parts of your life and still want to be around you, they knew you. And could/ would understand you. Liked you. Would stick around till the end.

It's hard enough to find a person who you weren't worried about showing your true colors to, turns out, even if they stick around after that, it's not forever.

I wonder when IT IS forever? If it ever is, that is.

-----------
Wow. That's a whole lot of "some" s !!!

update 3/3/2008

2008-03-03T18:56:00.004+05:30

If engineering degree s took even a day longer than the four years I've been slotted for, I'd commit murder.

These even semesters have to be the worst thing invented since "Bournvita- 5 star flavor"- there's hardly any time, we have to HAVE three labs- which means 3 projects, 3*3 project reviews and 3 records; we also have to have some sort of culturals on every Saturday;, Christmas and New Years holidays have to be compensated for AND there's not many holidays at this time of the year anyway. Add to that- new staff who have NO clue- and this is not me criticising, it's me stating facts- and you've got yourself one helluva ride.

On the CAT frontier- Apparently, I didn't do as bad as I'd thought I'd done in that mock test. Out of the 10,000 people who appeared from all over the country- they ranked only the first 4000 people. I was so worried I wouldn't even make it to that list- it's a good thing I did, cuz else, I'd probably have given up already. I got a 529 all India, and my state rank was 89. So Yay me :D

Nothing much else going on. Or nothing much else I have time to write about. Hope alls good with you guys!!

All my love.

I'm out of words for random.

2008-02-16T08:26:00.002+05:30

Do you know what it's like to have someone in your life who "gets" you? Who stimulates you? Your wit. Mind. Intelligence. Has the ability to make you laugh, and you can do the same for them?

Have you ever loved so fiercely that when that person is no longer in your life, all that is left is this huge open wound- that hurts like crazy. That the thought of them still makes fuzzy things happen in your tummy? Their voice makes your toes curl? And at the same time there's this invisible fist that's squeezing that wound and it hurts like hell- cuz you know you can't have them?

Just, wondering. Nothing more to say. Wishing you only things that are good,

SG.

------------

Just got done with my first MOCK CAT, and it's NOT looking good. Sigh.

Do you drive with your footwear on?

2008-02-06T17:34:00.001+05:30

Too much happening. I'm laughing (ok, let's not got that far, smiling) and crying and hurting- all at the same time.

After a slight remark about birthdays, A realised he'd missed mine and called himself all sorts of things. I forgave of course- just a birthday. Will come again. But no, he had to go on and insist that it was "me" and that it was my 21st and that it should have been special.

It was. Of course it was. In it's own way. Family wise. Not friends wise. But that's ok, right? Real life intervenes and all that. It's just that, I'm being evil again. I've done surprises and oh-so-perfect-gifts for almost each person in my life. Maybe they mean more to me that I mean to them.

So, while on one side I'm happy someone said a "but it's you! it should be special" I'm sad, 'cuz it's got all these thoughts buzzing in my head.

Ia was just pulling P's leg, and what came out of it- was a chocolate for me. At first, I just wanted a piece (had been thinking of chocolate since morning!), but when on asking I was told that the chocolate was in fact for me, I got the entire thing! :) I did thank him, and I did do the right thing by asking him who I had to apologize to, for having taken their treat.

But he had to go and say that no, it was, in fact, actually for me.

Of course he didn't mean it in that way. Or I hope not. Because I liked it when he said that. And I DO NOT want him getting the wrong idea.

Boring lecture, plus the need to connect with someone, led me into messaging R, whom I haven't initiated a conversation with in 3 years. Ironically, he is the only person I've come across, in my entire 86 years, who really "gets" me. In every way.

Wanted to smile like a satisfied cat, because it'd been ages since I felt that at ease with someone, plus it was light- fun- banter. Stupid fellow ended up calling me pretty.

DO NOT believe him, because that is what he does. But I feel good anyway.

K (yes, you!) went ahead and told me that he did believe that I was made for better things, and made me want to cry like a baby. I'd like to believe in it too, it's just that- it's nice hearing someone say it to you.

I don't get much time to spend with S and A these days- college and boy friends and stuff. Whatever little time I do get, I spend trying to reassure myself and everything is ok, by mostly just listening and being with them.

I'm scared I'll lose them.

R and T had themselves a Baby Girl, and I couldn't be more happy. T had to go through a forced delivery in her 6th month the last time, because of some genetic complications. I dunno where they found the strength to go through with the whole pregnancy thing again, because the chances of occurence of the genetic thing increases everytime. But the Baby is perfectly alright!! And I almost went and shouted it from the roof top. Almost.

Too much. Sigh.

Hope only good things are happening with you,

All my love.

P.S.
Stupid, but again what's new in that- I start every conversation I'm afraid of with this question. Makes me sound as sthupit as sthupit can be. No?

Bum Bum Bole

2008-01-27T01:26:00.000+05:30

At first this post was supposed to be about how amazed, in a good way, I was on hearing/ seeing that the award for the NDTV Indian of The Year 2007 was given to- the Indian soldier. But then, Taare Zameen Par happened.

I had taken a solemn vow to not watch the movie- considering how almost everyone who has seen it has sobbed his/ her eyes out after watching it. I wouldn’t watch it, I wouldn’t watch it. I wouldn’t. Na- uh. Didn’t need to go to a theatre to find something to cry about now, did I? Sigh.

But I did. I did watch it. Not in a theatre, but at home. If that helps with what you think of the strength of my will power. It’s super. Considering that I keep away from reviews until I’ve seen the movie, I had absolutely no idea what it was about. All I knew was that it made people cry. Hell it made Advani cry. There was a whole 200 word write up on that on the 3rd page, no less, of every national daily.

I had this extremely disturbing talk with a cousin of mine the other day. He wanted to send his 9 year old (or less) daughter to a boarding school so that she could be given the opportunity to hone the skills he knows she has. So that she’d be trained to face competition. A 9 year old.

Children are little. They're, for the lack of another word, precious. What they need is not to be taught about the whos and the whys and the wheres- they need color, exploration, stories. They have imagination that needs to be nutured. They have courage that needs to be given an outlet.

There'll be enough time later on for them to learn how to face the "world". Hell, they wouldn't require this so called training- because they'd have what was most important- your belief, your support, your love. And they'd have the security of having had the oppurtunity of being a child. Of having had the oppurtunity to explore. What, if not the courage to take risks and knowing what you do best, do you need to find success?

I totally support the need for all round development- I, myself, was fortunate enough to have been a part of not one school, but three schools, all of which believed in this very thing and hence, while academia was stressed on, so was what was put under “extra curricular”. I’ve also had the fortune of being blessed with parents, to whom I didn’t have to mutter a “I’m sorry” after I’d not won a competition.

But that's not what the movie is about. Or what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, that I had the fortune of coming across teachers, mentors, who saw beneath the surface. And sometimes, even when they didn't understand what they saw or couldn't really see- only knew that there was something underneath that was being kept hidden: they always showed faith in me. Believed in me. This movie is about exactly that.

The movie is about not blindly believing in what we see, but about trying to see and find out what lies behind- about questioning. About being convinced that the sun really doesn’t just go to bed while the moon takes on the night shift. It’s also about reading between the lines. Understanding silences. Finding the problem and tackling it, instead of just trying to eradicate the symptoms.

It’s about not telling your child what is what, but letting him find out what is well, what. About letting them find out what they’re meant to do, and giving them the courage to pursue those dreams. About giving them belief to pursue those dreams. And no, THESE things are not meant for only books and movies- I know of people who as teachers work on these principles, and I know of the results they’ve achieved.

It’s about not bearing a child down with chains.

It’s not something that will make you angry. It’s not something that will give you nightmares. It will make you sad. Or at least not for me. Because, it was an embodiment of all my beliefs. Of my dreams.

So, I can go to sleep knowing, that come one morning- I’m going to have the power and the resources to do the work I want to do. To be the change I want to see in the world.

What about you?
----------------------

'Funny that I should watch this movie, after my previous post. All things said and done, please please please DO watch the movie.

Oh and also- PAINT. No matter what you make, even if you're just splashing about with it- it's good for the soul. Either that or washing clothes. It's your choice!!

All my love.

Chains.

2008-01-22T00:24:00.000+05:30

I love family. Nothing is more important to me than family. Blame it on my sun sign, if you must, but it's the way it is.

But, sometimes, it's this very family that holds you back. That keeps you from even trying to realize the image you have of yourself. And I hate that!!

From something as small as, or as big as, depending on where you're standing, say falling in love- you train yourself to think in a particular way, react to and keep away from things that would lead to it because you know it would be frowned upon. So what happens to the image you have of yourself that shows you allowing yourself to experience what you've only read about or seen?

Forget love. What about something as simple as this- you've read/ seen a million things. Say one of them showed someone at a signal and a drunk lying by the side of your car. Everyone s looking at him, pitying him, and turning their faces. You resolve that if you were to ever come across something like this, you'd get out and at the very least move the guy away from the center of the road. If you're with friends, and you really DO come across something like this there's more than a slight possibility that you might be the person you've painted yourself as, but when you're with family- it's a strict no no.

How come people are scared of telling this very family what they actually dream of? What they see themselves as? I'm not saying these parents are bad parents. Hell, no way. But it's just sad. Because families are NOT supposed to do that!!!

---------------------------

I'm paying my dues. We all have to, and so am I. I don't mind paying them, as long as I know that there's something better in store for me in the future.

I want so badly to be a part of something that isn't bothered about allocating a working day for a technical fest- not a cultural fest, a technical symposium.

I want so badly to be a part of something that doesn't have to be done by only the "guys" because they're oh-so-strong.

I want so badly to be a part of something that treats everyone as equals, that aims at doing big things, setting standards.

... That inspires me, makes me look for answers- I'm a lazy bum and I've never denied it- I need to have a question asked before I go looking for answers- that makes me question, that questions my intellect.

I just hope I was made for better things.

---------------------

I had to write- the voices were getting too much.

Voices in my damn head.

2008-01-11T13:22:00.001+05:30

This is something I've been pondering over for a while now- I still am, which should warn you that this post is going to be crazy.

In more ways than one, life a few decades ago was simpler. When I say life, I refer not merely to the materialistic advancements we've made since heck, yesterday- in fact, however valid, that's not what I'm referring to at all. Marriage, love, the whole nine yards.

"Love" was for poets, and marriage was something that was inevitable. Your parents found someone for you, you got married. Simple. You stayed married no matter what the "man" did- hit you, drove you to death, loved you, loved others while he was "loving you". You stayed. Simple. Speaking largely from a woman s perspective, nine yards meant household chores, being docile and submissive and taking whatever was given. Simple.

There were no questions, there was no looking around for answers. Even if it meant compromising on one's individualism and conforming to the whole "my husband is my god" and "my wife is my slave" standards, life was simple.

Today, first One spends a few years reading and hearing and wishing about "love", and the next few searching for it. Once the "search is over", One again spends time reading and hearing and wishing about "marriage", and trying to get it. On getting "it", the very same person, One, doesn't spend even 10% of all the time One spent of getting here, staying with "it". And some times, One starts all over. At others, One doesn't.

When you first hear about the prince and happily ever after, you can't wait for it to happen to you. When you're old enough to really go out there and look for it yourself all you wonder about is when it will happen to you or why it hasn't happened already. When it does, it's what did you ever do wrong to deserve this and when it's gone, you'll never be the same person you were again. Ever.

Let's see the facts- no matter how perfect two people are for each other at some point or the other, real life has to intervene, and when it does, it's only human nature to lash out- how do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind - just the daily life kind?

No matter how perfect two people are for each other, at some point or the other, real life has to intervene- jealousy, jealousy on the part of a third party, sabotage, you get the point. How do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind- just the jealousy kind?

Before, one stayed married, till death did them part, literally. Whether it was society that drove them to it, mindsets, or the fact that they still hadn't discovered the ability to do anything other than what they'd been taught- without question. What drives two people today, to stay together? The only force that could hold them would be love. An abstract noun.

Feelings always took a back seat before- things were done out of duty. You married because it was expected of you, you had kids because it was your duty, you even shat because it was your duty. Today, people want romance, and rescuing from towers and evil witches and the "perfect" life partner. They want to get to "know" a person. But, HOW is that possible? You could "know" a person for half your life, and he could still be the person who put the video of you two having sex on Orkut.

How can a person want to depend on another? Why would a person want to do that? Once you've said "forever", how does the term become less than a year? How can you care about a person enough to be the one who hurts them the most? Why!?

Ugh. See, not so simple.

And it's gone!

2008-01-01T13:26:00.000+05:30

This has got to be the toughest piece of writing that I do each year. And THIS year I really have nothing to say. So, it is going to be a happy new year after all!!

To you guys, for being there for me- may you be blessed. Keeping true to this blogs' traditions- May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the asses of those who try to screw your happiness. And may their hands become too short for them to scratch with.

Happy New Year!

All my love.

tarump.

2007-12-29T22:10:00.000+05:30

I'm itching to write today, and as usual- I can come up with nothing worth saying. At ALL.

*off key singing*

Too much work always bring out my most creative side. Not in the excellent time management, I can get this done way, more in the- ooh! That's a super idea, let's paint it way. Or make it. Or draw it. Or clean it. After which, only, can I get any of the "too much work" done. Even though the time I have to do this "too much work" decreases, I get it done better. So, indirectly "too much work" does bring out my creative side in the excellent time managerial way. Wierd. Yay though.

*off key singing at a higher pitch*

There are these few times when people, without knowing, say exactly the thing you needed to hear. For me, these moments are even lesser in number because more often than not I'm on the listening and observing side. This one thing someone said stays with me- at times I wonder if it really did happen and that if it is in fact not some creation of my over imaginative mind.

We were sitting on the steps right outside our class during break time, this friend of my mine and I. I mustave been less chirpier than usual, because she and even my sir wanted to know why I was so quiet. I've been a last bencher all my life, and have never found myself at a loss of something smart to say- guess that's why the silence came as a shock.

The fact that he had even noticed that much, was pleasing in its own way. Anyway, he's the best teacher I've ever had- it was a treat sitting in his classes, because not only did he inspire you to learn but he always got my jokes and never failed to come back with one himself. And on that day,THE hardest day of my life, out of nowhere sir decided to let me know that his wife and long time girl friend (there's definitely something wrong about that sentence!) knew all about us last benchers, and that they wanted to have a daughter just like me. ME. ME!!

There's others. But somehow they fade slightly when compared to this one. What's the best thing someone s ever said to you?

Life altering stuff.

2007-12-25T13:08:00.000+05:30

I hated both of them. Couldn't stand either of them. Didn't understand what the craze was all about. He was apparently very "cute and hot"- a dangerous combination and she was "hot". To me, he looked like a kid just out of school with too large a nose and she plain and simple irritated me with her over over acting.

But, when they "jab we met"- my entire life changed! Bleddy movie changed my entire life's foundation. Made me sit down and re think all my beliefs. One second you think they're the lamest thing on that which the lamest things exist and the next you're being taught that they aren't the lamest thing on that which the lamest things exist. Instead, he's so cute and finally looks old enough and she does NOT over act- she does just the right amount. So, you can imagine why I was so shaken.

I probably sound like I'm drunk- let me start over. The she I'm talking about is Kareena and the he I'm talking about is none other than Shahid - in - spectacles - and - dancing *drool*

I was literally hog tied into watching this, and now I can't thank my cousins enough - Jab We Met is a must watch. The story line is nothing new- boy meets girl, girl likes someone else- big deal eh? Difference lies in the fact that the humor has been tactfully handled and hence one actually enjoys, the two share an amazing chemistry, the "punjabi ness" isn't over board and the music is absolutely foot tapping. Foot tapping would actually be understating it- it makes you want to stand up and dance along.

Ergo, go treat yourselves. You've been good this year, after all, ne?

All my love.

59 minutes.

2007-12-18T20:54:00.001+05:30

What lured me to this show was the fine print on the invitation that told guests cocktails and dinner would follow. I have a sweet tooth and a spicy tooth, need I say more?

I went prepared to be bored to death by some idiot trying to teach me the basics of banking and the share market or something equally dull. I say dull, because it was Monday evening after a long day at college: usually I love hearing/ reading about the stock market. What I got instead was 59 minutes of pure laughter.

Ash Chandler, is a name to reckon with. Don't be mislead by the weird name. I expected to find some wannabe, but got an impeccably dressed, voluble stranger, who had the ability to make me laugh. As for explaining whether his real name is Ash or not, he says in an exasperated tone. "It really is a true story. Though I wish I could say it is not! My parents met at a University in Minnesota. My dad's from Haryana, his name is Chander Sharma, which went on to become Chandler. I was born under the Ashwini star and hence the name Ash!"

He's a stand up comedian, passionate biker, absolutely fantabulous singer and a restaurateur who also does some minor roles as an actor. I, for one, hadn't heard of this guy till I saw him last evening- and that, I've realized has been my loss. For those of you who know Mumbai, the name Da Vinci's, should ring many bells.

I'd say he was a smaller version or Russell Peters, but that'd be kinda unfair. For he's milder. Or that's what I gathered. While the bases he covered- same old marriage, languages, parents, tantric sex- were common enough, his take on them was absolutely fresh and actually funny.

And he has a voice to die for. I could be biased cuz he sang all my favorites- Your Song by Elton, Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queens (he was as good as Koze!!), Sway by Michael Bubble and What a Wonderful world- the exact Louis Armstrong version. But from the crowd's reaction, my bias couldn't have played a major role.

59 minutes. Because it was less than an hour. Because the bank didn't want to pay for "an hour or more".

If he ever visits your town- don't miss him!!! After all- laugh, cuz tomorrow s only going to be worse.

All my love.

Flying the good times.

2007-12-15T19:04:00.000+05:30

Travelling by air in India turns into quite a trip, IF you have a sense of humor. Considering I'm not that frequent a traveller, I have the liberty to laugh at what seems to be next in line on the trip down south.

No matter how early or late you get arriving at the airport, there's bound to be extra long queue s everywhere. The check-in luggage scanning guys take their jobs extremely seriously- they sip coffee, gossip, manage to put those stickers on your bags AND keep changing, what I can only call shifts, every 3 minutes. So, at any given time, there's only 1 person working- half a person at the comp screen and the other half at the taping and locking end.

It's best not to take notice of the delay these guys cause or the over excited kids that crowd around getting onto not only your trolley but also refusing to get off it so that you can proceed.

There's hardly any point in looking for a check in counter which is not crowded. Every other person seems to be carrying a massive amount of luggage, adorable kids and mouths that don't shut. While every other counter, irrespective of the counter these days, carries an extremely irratating dimwit who will take a minimum of 15 mins per person- and that is if you have only one piece of check in luggage- so much so that I was still in the queue awaiting my turn at 5:45 for a 6:10 flight. And that's not even the best part- the person behind me was on the 5:45 flight.

Again, it's best to not let things get to you and enjoy the atmosphere. What can only be seen as the cherry on the cake is the person who cuts across the line and waves his ticket at the dimwit sitting behind the counter exclaiming that he was on the 6:30 flight.

If after all this, you're flying anything other than Jet or Kingfisher, I feel sorry for you. Those pleasant pleasan air hostesses who only take about 10 min to get you a drink of water, seats that don't recline, and great food!

That aside, if you're lucky, most of the air buses have been up graded and have touch screen video s, with a wide selection of viewing material, not to mention the in flight movie selections they provide you with. THAT only can make a 2 hr 40 min flight, which is already delayed by an hour, and waits another half an hour- because some VIP was flying in, to take off, bearable. (Wow, that's a long sentence.)

I'd sound more angry or sarcastic, only I've lost the will to fight.

All my love.

Winter's here!!

2007-12-13T00:32:00.001+05:30

After what feels like ages, I experienced the onset of winter. And as much as I cribbed about the number of layers of clothing I had to keep on so as to not catch a chill and ruin my holiday- I had a blast.

Aunts are very important people. Or at least mine is, in my life. Even though mine won't be reading this any time in the near future- you're muchly appreciated and thanked for.

I got the break I was looking forward to- my first silver lining in 4 years. Time well spent with family! Great food and excellent company- what more could I ask for? I had such a good time. Which is good because- even though I love this time of the year- all the cheer and good will and end of the year stuff, this time of the year remains the hardest.

Only, I intend for it to be the hardest for the last time this year. 'Sounding too cryptic, eh? Let's see- I made some decisions, decisions I had no right to make and I ended up hurting a lot of people. And even after all this time has passed and the people concerned have forgiven me and others have moved on, a part of me is still stuck. Back there. All the pain and hurt.

The only way I can forgive myself, which I must, is by working hard this year and achieve the goals I've set for myself. So, I'm glad I had a good start- with family.

'Had so much to say, but seem to be at a loss of words- not that that surprises me anymore! Every time things need to be said, I suddenly find no words to express my self with.

Hope you guys have been good, and are happy! More coming up soon. Don't go giving up on me!!

All my love.

ta ra ta ra (read ta as "tt")

2007-11-26T08:48:00.000+05:30

I'm picking up from where I left off in the last post. There's not much left to say, but whatever there is, needs to be said properly.

Sometimes "it" may not be something as stupid as losing a boyfriend or girlfriend or a crush or getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. At times it hurts real bad. And you try to hold on to it, because pain is the only emotion you can actually feel.

I've been down this path before, and I'm going down it again. So as to make my point clear.

As humans, we are very very inclined to actually enjoying the pain. More than we realize. It might sound sadistic but fact is- we're all guilty about something or the other. It could be having too much, or giving too little. Or having enough and still wanting more. Or anything in between too. Bottom line- we're guilty. The quantity makes the difference.

So, when the pain comes along- we enjoy it. When I say enjoy I don't mean you go out and party or... well, any of the things that you associate with the "happy" enjoying. What I mean when I say we enjoy it is that some where we believe we deserve it. It acts like a balm. It's a very neutral and numb feeling. And that's what makes it attractive.

Initially, it's best to just give in to it. Do the whole go- with- the- flow thing. Time, though, makes the pain pass. Or it's affect on you pass, at least. At this juncture- you can either think of ways to hold onto this state of numbness or let it go and embrace life and start living again.

This is when you need to go re- read my previous post- we all mess up. Sometimes things are just messed up. Sometimes things mess up real bad. But there is NOTHING, and I mean nothing that is so bad that it can't be corrected. No mistake that can't be forgiven.

Say, for example, at the very extreme, you killed someone. You're still alive aren't you? You're alive for a purpose- even if that purpose is to pay for your deeds and make things right. You could pay by crying about the fact that you did do what you did do or didn't do what you didn't do or get out there and do something about what you did do or didn't do that you shouldn't have done or should have done.

The key is to make the payment positive. And with that, I rest my case.

-Courtesy a Digital Signal Processing exam.

ta dum ta dum ta dum

2007-11-20T08:25:00.000+05:30

Emotions totally mess you up.

Even the happy kind. They make you too happy, and then when reality sinks in, you become too miserable. If you're already too miserable, then anything that happens just makes you either too "fine" with the way things are, or more too miserable.

Basically, everything is in the extreme. Black or white. Left or right.

But we all know that there's a few hundred shades of grey in between black and white. And that there's a lot many places in between the left and right. That's real life. Not the extremes, but the few million shades of everything.

So, STOP over reacting!! Sure, you can do the whole crying- your- eyes- out- thing or the jumping- on- the- bed thing, just don't drive yourself to the jumping- off anything that is at your height or more above the ground. Or driving into stuff.

Once you're done with screaming into the pillow, or pulling your hair or pulling some one else s hair- sit down and think rationally. Set aside the negative energy and focus on how and why whatever has happened REALLY affects you and what you can do about it.

So what if the other person doesn't love you anymore? Think about it- did you really love him? Or were you just in love with being in love? Are you really ok with him digging his nose and tasting the "booty" in public? Are you really ok with the way his trousers are just on the verge of giving in to gravity?

Alternatively, are you ok with all the bitching she does? Do you really want someone who cries over a broken nail in your life?

So what if you've flunked a paper? So what if you can't cook?- if what you're upset about is not being able to cook. So what if you embarrassed yourself in public- only people who can laugh at themselves are actually secure about who the are, what they stand for.

You get the idea.

Shake yourself for me. You're only 20 odd something! You've got your entire life ahead of you. It's not the end of the world! Chill dude.

(And those of you who know me, knows how much it takes to actually get that yankee phrase out of me)

I'm not saying whatever you'd have done was right or wrong. Nor am I trying to belittle your pain or suffering. All I'm saying is, no matter how bad it might have seemed then- YOU can get over it. Make things right, and move on. You just need to set the emotions aside, and think with a clear head. And then do the "right" thing. Just remember- it's not the end, until it's the end you want it to be.

Be good to yourselves,

All my love.