"Do you want to know what I see?" She very clamly asked me.
No. I really don't. I know what you can see. I don't want to hear it. Hearing it out aloud would only make it sound real.
I guess she saw the fear in my eyes.. because she went on to answer the question she herself had asked.
"You trust people really fast. You start treating them as if they were your own... You like to think that you don't. But you do. You do stuff for them. You think you don't expect anything in return... but you do. You just never get it."
So what? What's so wrong in me expecting things from people? They expect things from me... why aint that wrong?
I guess she could read my mind because she went on to say this...
"No, there is nothing wrong.. but don't you think it's wrong to be disappointed in them because they don't live up to your expectations... don't you think it's wrong to feel bad about the fact that they weren't there for you... not because you were there for them... but because you thought they were your own."
Of course I'm wrong. I always am.. so please do go on..
'guess I'd forgotten what I'd realised a few minutes ago.. she could read my mind.
"You like people to think that you don't believe in all this love shove shindig.. why? Because you know you do... Why are you so afraid to dream... to dream without worrying. Because worry, you do."
Isn't it wrong to expect everything good in the world to happen to me...I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I want to wish for something, I stop. And I think, "Is it worth it? Do you reallly need this to be? Does this really matter when there are people who are wishing for one meal a day? Clothes to wear? When there are people wishing that come the rainy season, they have a roof above their heads..."
Do i really need this wish to come true?
yes
Is it more important than what the others are wishing for?
no
Then why do I want God to waste his time pertaining to my wishes and needs when there are people in a worse situation than mine?
Do I want him to waste time?
no
Do I want my wish to come true?
yes
Do I want him to be answering my wish, when he could have saved a child's life, by listening to his ma's wish?
no
so what do I wish for..?? "Listen mister... you up there..yeah you! You've got one weird sense of humor! And don't smile that smile.. I don't appreciate being made to think that what I want to wish for is not worthy, when there are more selfish people on this planet.. Anyway, you always do this to me.. what a sucker I am. So, like you know, im changing my wish...I don't want anything. Just keep all my family and loved one safe. I'll be ok without what I wanted to wish for. A little sad, upset, whatever... but what's a little sadness when compared to a life? You just take care of the important stuff... keep everyone I love safe.. and I'll take care of all this small small stuff."
Am I going crazy???
"No. You aren't. You are crazy."
Well that settles things. I'm glad. Does this make me sound arrogant?
"Aah.. I see you've started believing that I do know what I am talking about... I could see you wanting to ask me this... People don't understand that this ain't arrogance. It's just that you, being you, have to believe in something fiercely enough, else you'll let other people make you think you're wrong... It ain't arrogance. Nossir. Don't worry about it.."
"Before you pass one of those smartypants remarks, hear me out. This once. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be loved. You think it's something that needs to come automatically from the other person.. and it is. But there's nothing wrong in you wanting it. It's okay to be vulnerable..."
No it isn't. There are enough vulnerable people in the world, without me adding to the list. People have their own troubles. They have no time for mine. I can take care of me. Now go away... enough
"You're thinking this way only makes them think that you think they aren't worth a dime. And that isn't the way things are. So, work on it."
This whole bending myself and taking a good look at me thing is starting to get out of hands... my neck is going to be in my hand if it goes on any longer.. So far, you've crucified everything but my little toe..
"Give the love you give. And unless you aren't happy with you.. no one else will ever be.. you won't let them.."
And with that she was gone. Vamoose. Kapesht. Gone. Someone had turned the light off in my room, and all I could see, standing in front of the mirror, was a faint light.. from the streets.
Well, at least she left my little toe. Or did she??
Note: There is a small part, which is an abstract from a post I've written before, I still believe in it.. and hence its reference.. my apologies, for making you go through it again.. I just wanted to put it up again..
If God is all-powerful, it isn't bound by time. It has all the time in the world to save a dying child and give you love.
Kaushik
I think this person, whoever was reading your mind is intelligent. And if you can, you must listen to her.
she knows.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I want to wish for something, I stop. And I think, "Is it worth it?"
iused to have very similar thoughts too!! but then i thought abot it for along time....
our small wish might not be more important (in general) than what a lot of people want. but is it true that just because we dont wish for something, it is goign to change things for other people? i wouldnt think so!!!
we only wish for things when they really mean a lot to us. it is the hope that the wish will come true someday that keeps us going.... so never stop wishing...... someday all those wishes of yours are gonna come true!!!
happy blogging!!!
and yeah! left a reply to your question on my blog!
*Panting* Reached the bottom. Don't think I could say anything meaningful so I'm not going to try. Nice new look, By the way.
hmmm.. phew.. that took a loong while..
What we're saying is it's too deep for us to say whether it sucked or not :)
All I can say is that the title suits the post, which is what happens when you narrate your inner conflicts. And not unlike what Sykora said, probably too deep. :)
And yeah, nice new look to your blog page. I find it a lot easier to read your posts, now.
it definitely doesnt suck!!! it made sense to me. like i said i've had similar thoughts earlier.... i just couldn't manage to put them down as words....
but you know, unless you are in the mood for it, the whole mind reading thing can really make you go "bonkers"
Suck this post does not.. good read it was.. yoda like why i type do not ask.. :D.. may the force be with u..
"don't you think it's wrong to be disappointed in them because they don't live up to your expectations... don't you think it's wrong to feel bad about the fact that they weren't there for you... not because you were there for them... but because you thought they were your own"
It's like Deja-vu all over again... You are bonkers by the way, coz if I'm crazy, then u are too..:P
And yeah, post does not suck.. *Hugs*
*phew* *panting* long post after a long time.
You know what I have noticed that when your blog is small there always is a long (LONG) one following it. Not to forget the conversation blog you wrote...well I am STILL reading it.
&
I really like the para writen to God with a big G. Well, if you do beleive in god you should have faith in him. And if you have faith in him this thought should'nt cross your mind 'coz he is there to help the innocent.
It's just the way you see things
Do you like Chemistry?
Do you like Ferrets?
Yes?
Then you'll love Joblingoferret.
No?
You'll love it anyway.
Read it here.
Kaushik
@everyone: **speechless**
@koze: dog.
thanks for visiting guys... this post had tooo much thought into it..
*sigh*