I've read my share of sex scenes. Some absolutely inappropriate/ shockingly disturbing/ right out insulting and extremely hilarious depending on which generation you belong to.
If you thought that the only way to win an award was to write/ do something outstanding, and great- well, you're in for a pleasant surprise. Apparently, there's an award for truly bad stuff that makes you noteworthy. And here's one that's most interesting- An award for the worst written sex scene every year. It's called the Bad Sex Award and was established by the Literary Review in 1993 "to draw attention to crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it."
The winners and the passages they've won these awards for makes for quite a captivating reading.
1994, The Stonebreakers, Philip Hook very disgustingly wrote, "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing" and went on to win the award. Hopefully, it provided him with the counsel he so rightly needed.
Difficult to categorize what the next two winners were trying to do- with the 1997 winner Nicholas Royle (The Matter of the Heart) writing "She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren" and 1996 numero uno, David Huggins in The Big Kiss scribe, "Liz squeaked like wet rubber."
Being of Asian origin has never amused me more, for there is a disproportionately large number of Asians who've come close to and in some cases wining this piece of cake- From the 2003 winner of this award for Bunker 13, Aniruddha Bahal, "She is topping up your engine oil for the cross-country coming up. Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time..." AND " She's taking off her blouse. It's on the floor. Her breasts are placards for the endomorphically endowed. In spite of yourself, a soft whistle of air escapes you."
In 2004 the finalists included Siddharth Shanghvi for "Was in on the bed that she sat on him, her weasel-like loins clutching and unclutching his lovely, long, louche manhood, as though squeezing an orange for it's juice?" and Nadeem Aslam for "The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead."
But alas, Tom Wolfe bagged this award for the following passage in his book I Am Charlotte Simmons- "Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... " (an absolutely wrong choice as you can judge for yourself) Things just keep getting better don't they?
2005 had Salman Rushdie nominated for this award with his "Boonyi pulled her phiran and shirt off over her head and stood before him naked except for the little pot of fire hanging low, below her belly, heating further what was already hot."
But my most favorite read came from 2000 victor Sean Thomas for "It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa," in his book Kissing England.
What can I say but, absolutely enchanted?
Good stuff.
The question is, though, how many of these passages were written with the intent of being humorous?
Kaushik
Lol.. Simply amazing.. And btw, Kaushik dude, do you actually care whether the passages were written with humorous intent or not, as lomg as they make reading, hilarious...?
Koze,
Danke. And I can safely say, none of them were written with the intent of being hilarious. These are serious fiction writers. And they weren't trying to take a spin off romance writers.
Sirpy,
Merci`, I'm glad you liked it. And you're new!
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
SG.
Graet heavens! I haven';t visited blogs in over a year, and this is the first thing I see.... from YOU!!?? Hahaha..
Nice.
Dhruva!
First, it's great, not graet.
Second, is that an insult or a compliment?
And yay, you're back!!
SG.
asininingly stupid and grouse...i dunno what the award is meant for either...
there's a sublte difference b/w erotica and porn...this seems to be in neither of them
I dint get to read this post..but read this in ur blog..
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs better.
LOL
Nav,
Like I said, some of it is disgusting and makes me puke but some of it is funny too. I do hope you're not judging me :)
Shiv,
Yeah, that's on my profile. Glad you liked it. Do take out some time to read the post when you can.
lol. and by "lol"i mean hahahahhehhehehehahhahahahhehehhehehahahahhahahehehhehehehahahhahahehheheheheahhahahahehhehehahhahahahahahahahehehhehehehehahhahahahahehhehehehehhahahahhehhehehehahhahahahhehehhehehahahahhahahehehhehehehahahhahahehheheheheahhahahahehhehehahhahahahahahahahehehhehehehehahhahahahahehhehehehehhahahahhehhehehehahhahahahhehehhehehahahahhahahehehhehehehahahhahahehheheheheahhahahahehhehehahhahahahahahahahehehhehehehehahhahahahahehhehehehehhahahahhehhehehehahhahahahhehehhehehahahahhahahehehhehehehahahhahahehheheheheahhahahahehhehehahhahahahahahahahehehhehehehehahhahahahahehheheheheh
oh ho...definitely not judging anyone on this...wouldn't be a pleasant thing to do.
i'll disagree with the humour though...unintended humour is cool, but this is like a showing tragedy with a smile...more of a faux pas.
Sis,
Glad you enjoyed it. 'Shouldn't have allowed you to read it in the first place, though.
Nav,
Lol. Unintended humor is hilarious. This sucks, for the lack of a more elegant work. Like I said, it's disguting/ largely inappropriate and in some cases downright funny depending on which age group you belong to.
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
All my love.
Dear SG,
I'm a bit busy these days.. need time to read this post.. maybe over the weekend i might get some time..
Till then wait for my comments on this post
Lots of love
cheers!
Ira
was dis t post u wanted me to read...
dnt tel me this is one of ur noble attempts to dissuade me frm sex... :P
My fave is ur fave.. :D... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman... Ultimate.
@Ira: Seriously? Can't wait to hear what you have to say about this one!! *evil grin*
@Am: Who? Moi?
@Triya: Lol, please don't!!
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
All my love.
Dear SG,
I finally managed to read ur post!!
I guess everyone at a certain age read their share of the sex scenes!
Infact every Daneil Steel, Sydney Sheldon had a lot of these!!
Quote:
"Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa,"
This seems to be very funny! But awards for such writings!! I don't know if such an award shld be given.
And to some extent i agree wid navneet! He'll be ahppy to read this .. hahaahahaa...
Cheers!
Gorie Storie Part 8 Of 0 on my blog. Read it or be sorry.
Kaushik
louche manhood??? what does that even MEAN!!!
but hilarious reading, to be sure...
@Ira: Didn't really think you'd approve, but THAT one was funny. I'm sure he'll be very glad.
@Koze: K.
@the bored one: Wrong place to look for answers to that one. 'tis enough that I had to read stuff to put it down here!
Glad you liked it.
Thankus for dropping by you guys,
All my love.
Aahh, I have heard of those awards before. Here are a few more I read in the gaurdian.
"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing. You lift her out. You want to try different kinds of fusion"
"Joanne hung with her head flung back over the side of the bed, her hair splayed out across the floor, which required Christian to cling on to her waist so they both didn't fall off, and then after a modicum of congenial thrusting, she came with the exhilarating whoops and pant-hoots of a troop of Rhesus monkeys, which was flattering, if alarming."
"with my fifth orgasm I knew God. Then I felt him beginning to move inside me again, although his hand had still not stopped, and I said 'Oh, God', and surrendered to whatever came next, Heaven or Hell.
It was Heaven. I was the earth, the mountains, the tigers, the rivers that flowed into the lakes, the lake that became the sea. He was thrusting faster and faster now, and the pain was mingled with pleasure, and I could have said: 'I can't take any more', but that would have been unfair, because, by then, he and I were one person." (This came from Coehlo)!
Source: http://books.guardian.co.uk/news/articles/0,6109,1099719,00.html
Even before these awards were instated, there has been a lot of unaesthetic description of sex. Forget Sydney Sheldon and Steel, If you have read the godfather, Mario Puzo went on for pages describing Sunny Corleone's 'thing' when he describes the wedding of Corleone's daughter! At first thoughts, it just made me wonder why was there so much fuss about 'it'.
Wow, this was done ages ago. And yeah, I saw those. Couldn't figure out a way to put ALL of them in my post.
And yeah, I've read Godfather :)
Thanks for taking the time out to read and reply,
SG.