I don't like blue ink!

My latest craze for hummus only matches my love for Ethiopian food. I think. I love the curries that the food is made in! I can never sleep well after all the eating I do, but I crave for it once every week st the least.

Made excuses to not be happy today too. Sitting in the park and reading was definitely more important than the gym, because who knows when the weather will go bad? Thought shut being happy and chirpy when Abhi called, but just couldn't because the network kept acting up and the call dropped after each hello and what-were-you-saying. Tossed and turned between acknowledging the situation we are in and pretending that this was all normal and we were both okay.

I have realized that work wise I can on.y be happy when I sm bush, being challenged and my efforts re being acknowledged by all people involved. When these three don't align rven work fails to completely occupy my day and provide the satisfaction that I am dependent on it for. To grow I have realized I need to be less emtotional, but I am not sure of how to balance this ith actually being r,optional enough to work sound the clock because I "care".

It's weird how I have ever felt the pressure of my social likability since I was in college until now. Aren't we supposed to grow more self-assured wirh each passing day? There was a phase when I had just started blogging and I really wanted comments. I would check every 5 minutes to see if someone had reade what I had written, I had to update my Facebook status only if something would be guaranteed at least 4 comments and 5 likes. Somewhere along the line I grew up, got bored of Facebook, and started writing awkward posts that I knew would get no comments. However off late I seek the likability again. I wonder if I should put wedding photos on Facebook to seek the wows. Is that only because of the effort that went into the wedding? I do not like questioning myself on the amount i do care about such things or should care.

But at least I am writing today. Small wins?

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

Am I a snob or just a subject of bad customer service?

Incidents over the last few weeks has lead me to introspect. Introspection has lead to unraveling a number of facets of "the new me". One of which is this.

The new job entails travel every week, and that has been the story for the last year now. While I love the travel, I realize how reliant I am on airline personnel, hotel management and car companies on my "happiness" when travelling.

I must admit that all this travel as in some parts made me a snob. I know expect to be seated in nothing less than Economy Comfort seating for free, receive the cars that I like whenever possible and be put in rooms that have air conditioning that works and internet works across the room and not just when I sit facing the bathroom in the center of my bed.

Since I think I'm being snobbish, I sat and forced myself to think objectively. And turns out that even though I am snobbish, I am also reasonable.

The car industry....

I have been renting cars with Avis since my 25th birthday, and am a Preferred member. In the last six months I have had 3 flat tires. In all instances, I have been asked to go to the nearest Avis Location & exchange my car. Not once has anyone apologized or offered to SEND a replacement car. Not once has anyone said "Oh we are sorry for your bad experience, let us give you a nicer car." And they charged me for it.

I rent a car Mon-Thursday every week. I have been for a year now. So I expect that I do not have to wait 30 minutes to get a car at 5 AM, after having taking the red eye. I expect that I am not given cars that have the maintenance light blinking. I expect that I do not have to spend another 45 minutes to get a regular car after that. Maybe I expect too much.

The airline industry....
I switched from Delta to United when I moved coasts. In the past three months, I have yet to be on United flight that takes off and lands on time. When it takes off, either there is no WiFi (4.5 hours flight), or no entertainment (4.5 hours flight), no blankets and/or snobbish and snooty personnel. When you land you'll be lucky if your baggage made it on the same flight as you. Priority on not.

My travel time in a week is 1 hr (to airport) + 4.5 hr (flight) + 1.5 hr (mix of all delays) + 1 hr (drive to final destination) = 16 hours in 5 days.

So yes, I expect that after having frequent flying status I am treated nicely, offered the opportunity to buy WiFi and be allowed to ask for a blanket that I do not have to pay for. Maybe I expect too much.

The hotel industry....
I must say, most of my stay in the last few months has been with Starwood; and they have lived up to their hospitality. I've had to complaint about the shower/WiFi/etc., but they've responded and understood that I spend more time at the hotel than at home. And have made every effort to make the stay pleasant. Except update their menu. But I'll pick my battles.

To summarize - not snobbish, but instead reasonable, and therefore a subject to bad customer service.

Read More 0 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

The return of the bitter and the guilty

Abhi has been insisting for a while now that I admit to the truth. I fear that admitting to it might kill me. But at this point not admitting to it is definitely killing me.

So I'm an effort to get my life back on track, after a weekend of lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself I have decided to admit to a truth every day. And I'm going to start big.

I think we married too soon. Not exactly what you would like to hear from someone who just celebrated their 3 month wedding anniversary. In two different parts of the world. Or maybe you would if you knew what the last year had looked like.

Abhi's brother in law could have focused on getting their medical tests sooner rather than later had there not been a wedding to stress about.
Had we known about his illness, he could have started medication on time and we would not have spent the first three weeks of our married life at the in-laws place making them feel guilty abut us being there and us well, truthfully speaking, being there. They would not have been relocating at the same time as discovering Abhi's brother in laws disease. Learning the scope of it, the impact to their lives. And would have definitely prevented the selfish selfish selfish feelings that I have felt.
I would not have had to single handedly manage all the wedding preparations had we waited for another year.
The wedding preparations tired me out. They made me hard and practical in an effort to get things done instead of crying about the stress and the work and the travel. It's difficult to be emotional again. As much as I loved getting my way, there were parts where I hated working within the constraints that we had to.
Abhi needing to leave for India, barely 2 months into "living together", has left me out of sorts. I got used to being with someone, then not being with someone, then being with someone and now I have to deal with being alone again. I don't mind it. It takes getting used to for me. And I'm scared if I let myself get used to this, I won't know how to behave when he is back.
If you know me, you know what it takes for me to be okay with being emotional/dependent; in the see saw that has been the last few months, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster.
I'm guilty for feeling the way I do when there is hunger in the world, people fighting diseases and my husband stuck in "the middle of nowhere" (his words).
I do not want to admit to or think about what we need to do if his VISA is rejected. So I worry about and hate about things that are in my control. Like the fact that I will not be able to go to Europe till 2015.
I have been waiting forever to be carefree and careless. I do not understand when or if my time will ever come.

I am guilty all the time, or angry, or sad, or guilty or angry. All the time.

I don't know how to fix this. Logically I know, life hasn't ended. I have all my limbs and all my senses and can breathe. So can Abhi. And the rest of my family. We can afford food and shelter about our heads. But I cannot stop being a turmoil of negative emotions.

I am hoping that admitting to these feelings is the first step towards letting them go.

Read More 2 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

Two steps forward, one step back.

It's been almost a year since I left Indian soil. 6 days short to be exact. It isn't new year's eve or any other day that would usually call for recollection of the "days gone by". It's just another Sunday afternoon. Except that it's not!

I left the first job I started around this time last year & flew out to go back to school. After saving for close to 6 years I was able to gather the guts needed to buy myself a really really expensive "toy"- my mac book! I got MY first apartment, first student-salary. Sat in classrooms to be inspired, a dream that very unusually came true for me. I interviewed for jobs, and was flown across the country (put up at The Hilton on Times Square) to see prospective offices. I got a job three months into the program. Decided to fast track the education and finished grad school in 1 year. Graduated. Did the whole fancy throw cap in the air, wearing a gown thing!

Moved to San Francisco to see if I could be a city girl. To rewrite some memories and love this city like the way it was meant to be loved. Found my first un-affordable city apartment. To see if I could walk in high heels and not be killed. To see if I could do the whole consultant thing.

Made some friends, lost others along the way. This is not just another Sunday. It's the Sunday before I start work. It's the Sunday that marks such an eventful year, my mind boggles.

Do we live in interesting times or what!

SG.

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

Showdown.

If I had to go and count the number of drafts I've crafted in the last couple of months, but not dared to share, you'd believe that I was keeping to my promise of writing daily. Okay, weekly. But I wrote.

For a person like me who writes to make sense of the voices in her head, its difficult to write when I'm in the middle of something. I need to be able to detach myself from the situation and be able to write about it.

When I came to the states to work and then to study, I wanted to capture everything. All the firsts, all the lasts. But the way this year has shaped up, its been difficult to write. It's been difficult to, in a way, face my thoughts. But with the year ending, I want to. Write it all down. Face all of it. Move on. So I won't start from the start, but from where it's the easiest to start talking again.

Going to school (Yes, I call it 'school' too now that I am in amreeka), is a completely different experience here. The campus is sprawling. This being the first time I've stayed away from home, the luxury to go for a walk at any time I please, is awesome!! The yellow lights against a pure limestone landscape are breathtaking. Should you decide to walk past the music school, even in the wee hours of the morning, you'll find yourself wanting to pause and sit - because there'll be that one artist who is still practicing.

The one thing that I was really worried about when applying to schools here was that I'd end up having a crush on all my professors. Kinda became a reality :) I came for inspiration, and I found it. One guy, gives out free candy!!

There's free movie screenings on campus, basketball and football games, "downtown" to explore, starbucks around every corner, and an awesome recreational sports facility. There's a 13 floor library (no calvin and hobbes though, I checked), a "graduate lounge" where us grad-students can study/sleep, university fight songs to learn, and so much more.

It's only December, but I'm already excited for my parents and sister to visit me around graduation in May! More coming up soon.

Be good you guys.

Read More 1 Comment | Posted by Sthupit Girl

1st August 2011.

I sent it back today. All of it. I gave my Detroit address instead of my actual apartment address because I do not want it shipped back. I hope he doesn't do something like ship it back.

The tears will come. They'll come when the sun has set completely and no one can see them. When its just me, in bed. When the reality of a persons absence will hit with full force and knock me over. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I didn't get a chance to try to hold on. For once in my life, I would have tried, and I wasn't given the chance. I don't know why - I wasn't told. Nothing was explained, there were no apologies. Just one single statement of "fact". And the rest of it is left up to me. Assumptions. Presumptions. Whatever will tire you enough to put you to sleep.

I miss Novato. I miss the people. They were nice people. Can you believe that talk about "parallel parking" can make you smile and then extremely sad? Parallel parking? Parallel parking! Parallel parking. Proof enough that I am holding it together by a thread, I guess.

I think too much. You think you think too much, but don't realize how much until your mom tells you at least TEN times before seeing you off at the airport, to "chill and relax and have fun". That's when you realize how much you think.

Watch Friends with Benefits. It's awesome-o. Might make you smile.

Read More 1 Comment | Posted by Sthupit Girl

Bac on a Mac

I promised myself, that the day I bought my macbook, I'd start writing again. Today, is that day. If I were a different person, I'd be ending that last sentencewith exclamation marks, but understated and well moderated individual that I am, I delivered that news with a polite smile and twinkling eyes :)

I have wanted to write for a while now, but I kept away from it because I was scared of the words that would eventually tumble out. Inside, I am so angry and so deeply hurt, there are days when I just want to scream. I worried about who will read this, and what they'll think - but the words that have been left unsaid for so long, have echoed inside me, and I am afraid that if I don't let them out, I might break down.

You might want to stop reading here - this (or maybe the ones that follow - depending on what frame of mind I am in :)) is/are going to be random and personal - all in one!!

New chapter in life is a "go". I landed in the U S of A, again, two days ago. All packed to get started with "school". I ditched a couple of clothes to ensure that I could carry all my pairs of shoes with me. Surprised? You really shouldn't be!

My flight was horrible. Amsterdam was fun. My connecting flight was delayed - but that gave me more time to shop in euros for momentos of a place that I hadn't even really visited yet. But the shot glass is so cool. As is the cow egg holder. And the tulips which reminded me of amma so I had to buy!!

I miss SFO. I miss the people I got so used to in SFO. This is the first time I'm saying it out loud. People are tied to places now... and that makes their absence even more prominent. The first time I went to Costco - that's the first place I "sight-see d" when I came in February - I drove A & A mad - We just HAD to walk through every aisle since it was my "first time". We had to walk through every aisle on every trip after that too.

I've lost steam. So yes, first post via the new mac :) Hope you guys are staying good!! More soon, more often.

Read More 0 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

In and Up.

I hate this helpless feeling. This horrible horrible feeling that makes you look at the phone every 5 minutes to check if there's a message/email. This terrible feeling when you realize it was the trick of light on the screen of the phone, and not an attempt by someone to get in touch with you.

I hate being at the receiving end of silence. I think a million times before reaching out to people, and that makes the responding silence even worse. I hate going over the various things that I could have done wrong, that I could have said wrong. I hate wondering if maybe I've given away too much about myself; if maybe I've expected too much.

I hate not being able to feel. I hate wanting to feel. I didn't want to want to feel. But you made me want. Now that I do, there's nothing palpable left.

There's this yawning emptiness that's pulling at my insides, and threatening to swallow me. It's not my fault, and I don't want to believe that it is. This constant sadness is not what I signed up for, and I don't want it. I don't want to feel lonely and disconnected. I don't want to be on the periphery, I want to be the center. I'll be myself by myself, no issues.

Today, I'm giving in. I'm giving up.

Read More 5 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

" By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."

I don't like blue ink!

Am I a snob or just a subject of bad customer service?

The return of the bitter and the guilty

Two steps forward, one step back.

Showdown.

1st August 2011.

Bac on a Mac

In and Up.

Quest for Thought

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Captured.

eeeeeek!! :)

Dash of sanity.

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