Abhi has been insisting for a while now that I admit to the truth. I fear that admitting to it might kill me. But at this point not admitting to it is definitely killing me.
So I'm an effort to get my life back on track, after a weekend of lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself I have decided to admit to a truth every day. And I'm going to start big.
I think we married too soon. Not exactly what you would like to hear from someone who just celebrated their 3 month wedding anniversary. In two different parts of the world. Or maybe you would if you knew what the last year had looked like.
- Abhi's brother in law could have focused on getting their medical tests sooner rather than later had there not been a wedding to stress about.
- Had we known about his illness, he could have started medication on time and we would not have spent the first three weeks of our married life at the in-laws place making them feel guilty abut us being there and us well, truthfully speaking, being there. They would not have been relocating at the same time as discovering Abhi's brother in laws disease. Learning the scope of it, the impact to their lives. And would have definitely prevented the selfish selfish selfish feelings that I have felt.
- I would not have had to single handedly manage all the wedding preparations had we waited for another year.
- The wedding preparations tired me out. They made me hard and practical in an effort to get things done instead of crying about the stress and the work and the travel. It's difficult to be emotional again. As much as I loved getting my way, there were parts where I hated working within the constraints that we had to.
- Abhi needing to leave for India, barely 2 months into "living together", has left me out of sorts. I got used to being with someone, then not being with someone, then being with someone and now I have to deal with being alone again. I don't mind it. It takes getting used to for me. And I'm scared if I let myself get used to this, I won't know how to behave when he is back.
- If you know me, you know what it takes for me to be okay with being emotional/dependent; in the see saw that has been the last few months, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster.
- I'm guilty for feeling the way I do when there is hunger in the world, people fighting diseases and my husband stuck in "the middle of nowhere" (his words).
- I do not want to admit to or think about what we need to do if his VISA is rejected. So I worry about and hate about things that are in my control. Like the fact that I will not be able to go to Europe till 2015.
- I have been waiting forever to be carefree and careless. I do not understand when or if my time will ever come.
I am guilty all the time, or angry, or sad, or guilty or angry. All the time.
I don't know how to fix this. Logically I know, life hasn't ended. I have all my limbs and all my senses and can breathe. So can Abhi. And the rest of my family. We can afford food and shelter about our heads. But I cannot stop being a turmoil of negative emotions.
I am hoping that admitting to these feelings is the first step towards letting them go.
Hope you come through this phase quickly!! Congrats on the marriage - the question with such decisions is always whether the person is right, the good and bad phases come and go and are not always in your control.
Thanks for writing! "Right" is all that grey area, so a tough call.