Something's bugging me. It's there... somewhere in my mind. I just can't seem to grasp it. Maybe I don't want to. Does that happen to you too? At times? Or am I going nuts?
I mean hello, I feel guilty about not having said thank you to this female who was holding my book for me, 'cuz I was standing in a crowded bus. So, I trudge back, from where I'm standing in the front. All the way to the rear. To thank her. Who the hell does such stuff? Who cares?
What I'm hating most is that I realise that there's something I'm trying to keep from myself. I'm just going through my day without allowing myself to really feel the joy. I keep waiting for the hurt.. And when it comes, 'cuz come it does.. I'm prepared and I don't crack. To anyone who is looking from outside, it's all good and happy. I mean what could be wrong with someone who is constantly making everyone smile and is so NICE.
Damn! I hate the bloddy word. I hate it being used when people refer to me. They say it in such an insulting way.
I hate people complimenting me. I know they are just saying it. Aren't they? I don't want empty words. I just don't. I've had enough of them.
I want to stop you from hanging up. I want to tell you. I want to tell you what I'm really feeling. I want to tell you that I'm so damn scared I'll screw up. That you'll go away too. How do I tell you? Why do I expect you to ask me..Insist on me telling you what's bugging me. What's keeping me detached? Do you even know that I'm not being me? That there is no longer any me, is there? There's just an empty shell.
How can I trust you? You'll walk away too. Why would you want to ruin a lovely day with my ramblings? Why should I burden you with my troubles? You've let your grief out, you've cried.. and the tears have dried. You're finally smiling.. Why should I bother you? My work is done... It's time for you to leave. Like all the others before you.
I want to stop you.. How do I? I don't have the right to. I don't.
You know what? I AM crazy..
oh i AM UNIQUE!!
jst in the wrong way :(
aww baby, but you're nice...
can't help that now can you?
jokes apart, don't keep anything to yourself. Say what's on your mind, you don't have to be good you should be honest, and you should be yourself. That's what everyone needs.
Now for eg., that girl wouldn't really have felt bad, worst case scenario, she might've taken a jibe at you the next time or sth, but its not like you can't handle that!
Loosen up babe!
aww sweetheart, it's alright.
Nice. For a while, I hated the word too. My best friend used to joke around that I'd marry this common friend of ours because both of us were so nice. And then we could be Mr. and Mrs. Nice and we could have little Nice kids. :D So you're not alone. After she said that, I tried to be mean and bitchy to everyone. *Sigh.* Didn't work out. So apparently being nice is part of the personality. And it's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you cannot be sad or annoyed at times.
And you'll let yourself see whatever you're keeping from yourself. Maybe you just need to be in denial for a while.
And you're not an empty shell. You're just not letting people see the real you, because it's easier that way.
Oh dear, I feel as though I wrote this post. And whatever I'm saying to you is what my close friend used to say to me. I can't tell you what to do, 'coz I haven't opened up to people yet.
And it doesn't matter if you have a right to or not. You should try to stop whoever it is that you want to stop. Because if you don't, you'll regret it later.
So just hang in there. Things'll get better. I swear.
*Hugs*
@d'pak: thankus.
@amelie: thankus to you too. I am trying.. :)
@triya: Thank you for the hugs. And..everything.
@anjan: totally :)
@born stinger: you think this is all about valentine's day? bah. no way. I hate whiners too and I hate myself whining the most. But, I guess we all have our moments. You wnt visit?? I guess that's incentive enough to get me to stop THINKING! lol.. thankus to you too.
Thanks guys. I'm in better spirits today... 'must be your lucky days :) And thanks sis.
lotsaluv!
sorry am late here...and its good to see that you are okay now.
i know you've got lots of questions inside and i hope you find your answers soon...someway i can help, you tell me gal.
kewl.
Kaushik
Hmmmm...very interesting post you have there girl! I couldn't help but recollect, as I read through, having gone through those thought motions myself. Personally,me thinks, we're all equally guilty of keeping things from ourselves.It's universal. We create a dual existence - one that thinks and acts in here and now, albeit spontaneously and the other that chooses to voice itself in retrospect. Keeping things from ourselves is a condition that occurs when latter is at logger heads with the former over a thought process, action or belief that seeks to be rationalised in a bid for overall acceptance from the self...In the end it's all about seeking to be validated - and there I go rambling again!
@nav: all right? and me? that'll be the day. thanks for the offer, i'll keep it in mind :)
@koze: too many words again... too too many na??
@trevor: lol, ur making more sense than me. and i knw all this. hell i repeat it to every person i talk to. when im saying it to them, they really understand, accept and go on. when i say it to me. i don't. :)
thanks for dropping by guys!
Your're welcome Preetika and thank you, at the same time, for dropping by my blog as well! Now to answer you - YES i wrote that. I reaaaalllyy did!!! LOL :-)YOu take care...
'hope to see you here again!