Sometimes, you hear something or read something, and everything just fits into place. It's like... it was always there, somewhere at the back of your head, and wham one day, it comes up front and blinks like a neon sign, you couldn't NOT notice. At times it's nice stuff... a happy memory, a sthupit song, an old friend.. anything and at others it's.. just stuff, I guess.

I walked far enough to make you sit still. And just like that, in one sentence, this person had managed to describe the last two years of my life. Just like that. And true it is, to the full stop. I hate absolutely hate people who walk out, don't keep promises... and I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. I haven't so far. Anyway, back to the point. There are two reasons for me not wanting to do that to anyone.

One, the noble crap. Friends forever, will be there for you always and the likes. I see too much. And the fact that it would hurt the other person, no matter how small a part of my life he/she is, is enough to stop me. There's enough suffering in this world, without me adding to it :)

The other being, just to show the person up. Clicking two. And how true it is. Often I'd wonder why I was being so stubborn. What exactly were my reasons? What was making me stay put? Me being me just wouldn't accept it to be ONLY 'cuz it was what friends/girl friends/sisters/blah did... it kept nagging me.

Another thing that bothered me was when suddenly for certain reasons parts of who I was, why I was and why I am what I am came back. Okie that didn't make sense. It's just that sometimes (again) in other people s lives you find a part of your past. And because you don't want the other person to have it as terribly as you did, you start looking for reasons, explainations, theories and answers so that you can help. That's what I did. I tried.

Until the other day, when it all started making sense. It always did make sense, but now it was concrete. Definite. Being as human as we are, we have a lot to feel guilty for. And that makes us seek out pain. Pain, sacrifice, suffering helps us find peace. Salvation.

It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. That's why I'm telling you: dont' get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerfull drug. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. or cowardice. however much we may reject it, we huma beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.

True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God. Don't let's think about that now, all you need to know is that what make the world go around is not the search for pleasure but the renuniciation of all that is important.

Does the soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No. He goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show he husband she's happy? No. She wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does a working man go to work every morning to achieve satisfcation? No. He does it to sweat his butt off so that he can keep his family. And so it goes on, sons give up their dreams to please parents, parents give up their lives in order to plese their childrean, pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:love.

And I dunno where I'm going with this, except that, I just needed to say all this aloud. At least in my head. If you enjoy being miserable, then stop and start looking at what exactly you are doing to yourself.

Sure, you've made mistakes, big ones and small ones, sometimes they ruin lives, sometimes they ruin your life, they hurt the people you love most, but it isn't the end of the world. Forgive yourself, and make it up, not by suffering, but by loving. Yourself, the people around you, and your life.

And no matter what you do, don't do it to prove anything to anyone, do it cuz you know in your heart, that it's the right thing to do. Actually, scratch that. I'm not too sure it works. What I am sure is, that suffering is not the solution. It's temporary peace, that will lead to insanity. And cuz it's not only the tough way out, it's also the only way out.

Lotsaluv,
Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S : Project work is over, nonsense teacher didn't even look at it. Apparently, I'd said I'd done it, and that was enough. Work on the behalf of 4 people, work that was meant to be done for the entire sem, I did, alone, in 4 days. Anyway, that's me being made a fool of again, for being "sincere".

P.P.S: Yes, I'm totally, completely insane. It's been verified, attested and hence confirmed.

My life USED to revolve around the photocopying machine. My life NOW revolves around the comp doing project work. I've spent 30 hours out of 40 sitting here, working. Out of the remaining 18, I've spent 3 out of those 10 watching woh lamhe and the rest sleeping like a baby. Imagine. 30/40!!

And this is the same thing I spent a week on at the begining of this month. Now, I'm working on the behalf of 4 people, to do the whole thing again, from scratch, cuz I'm a dumbass.

It's like its bloddy written on my head or something. She's an idiot. Drop all your stuff on her, last minute and she'll do it.

Sigh.

On the brighter side, inspite of the sad ending and the crew, the movie is bloddy awesome! You just HAVE to watch it. I hated both the two of them(yes, you read that right) in Gangster. She kept screeching all through. Oh I forgot to mention! I saw that again also, a while back, and it was good. Even made me cry. But which movie doesn't.

She's really good in this. Even looks awesome at places. Even Ahuja is kinda cute at places. And the story is something you can connect with. It is true, you know. That while love is the greatest healer, it can work the other way too. It can hurt and make you mad. It did to me, at one point.

Anyway, go watch the movie. The songs are damn good too. It's what s kept me sane in the last two days. Hope your day was better than mine!

Yours forever sthupitly.

It's surprising how no one but me the great, notices how badly words can affect a person. For some reason, due to the excessive reading that I used to do I guess, I've seen and observed how people react to words. And it registered. So, now I'm doubly careful about what I say. Even when I'm angry. People've hardly seen me angry, but still.

It saddens me in a way, that I don't have the capacity to just blow off my top, and yell. Say hurtful things, just cuz the other person s said them too. To make them feel bad. Hurt them, maybe more than what they did to me. I just keep quite. I know it's all anger talking, and when they cool down, things will become clear. And then we can sort it out.

Sorting out is k, it's forgetting what the other person's said that is difficult. You may forgive a person, but what of the words that linger at the back of your head? And from then on, no matter what your fighting about, they pop up.

What I don't understand is why people, knowing how dangerous words can be, don't actually take care before they use them? I've seen people do extreme things just because they heard that someone might have said something. Might have, mind you. So, you can imagine how even more extreme things might happen, when they DO say it, and say it on your face.

It's funny... that even after all the care that I take, I end up doing the explaining for why I said something and what I really meant when I said it, and that I'm sawwy if you took it in the wrong way. I bloddy take the initiative and do it, even when the person on the other side of the fence has said more than enough to last me a few lifetimes has never once bothered. It's pathetic really. The way I am, I mean.

Get lost. Two words. I think there was even a movie, where an older brother tells his sibling to "just get lost", and the kid really does. Or was it a book? Either way, that was enough to stop me from ever using those words. That's all it really takes, for me. And it's pathetic, once again. Ain't it?

These days people use it all the time. Empty phrases, just to... I dunno just to what, but they just say it. I don't even know why the say them, if they don't mean them. It's beyond my comprehension. So, if someone has some insight, it'd be of great help.


Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S: No I'm not depressed, and neither was I trying to drive you over the edge, I was just thinking. And HAD to write.

Let's see... Thinking technically, and since I'm reading on the subject... there's three things that come into play here. One, is something called ethical relativism , the second is called descriptive relativism and the third is called relationalism.

Ethical relativism can be best summed up in the phrase : "When is Rome do as Romans do", i.e you either follow what society in whatever part of the world you belong to determines as right or you stick to what you believe in, without giving an inch. Either way, is unacceptable. The theory dictates that actions are right within a particular society when they are approved by law, custom or other conventions of society. The reason why we do away with this theory is because it implies absurdities. It would justify genocide and salvery.

Descriptive relativism is in ways true, and in ways not. While it supports the fact that customs and beliefs vary from culture to culture, it shouldn't be used to support wife-abuse, rape, etc. Ethical relationalism or contextualism on the other hand, however reminds us that moral judgements are contextual.

What doesn't change, no matter which ethical 'ism you wish to follow or believe in or deem correct, is that if it violates basic human rights, it is wrong. It, here refers to action or lack of it. So, no matter what "rule" the society has come up with, if it defies basic human rights, it's wrong. No two ways about it.

So, when I say that a collective consensus on certain view points, traditions and conventions make them definite, I do not mean to say that they are in any way correct. Or wrong for that matter. There are still people in this world who believe in sati and killing the girl child and all that. Yes, it is/was a part of their culture, but that doesn't justify the action. At least, not NOW, when we know of human rights and have what is called education and intelligence.

Coming back to the previous post, freedom of choice,is a part of these "basic human rights", as is viewed from any angle. The fact that the definition of choice, is in itself relative, is a different issue all together. Also, rape no matter what the woman is wearing or not, is wrong. There is nothing called "freedom to rape", even if only theoretically or for the sake of arguement, or so I should hope. Most especially not amongst what comprises of the educated in society. Lastly, the justification of MAKING someone dress "modestly" based on the "roving eye" is what I am against.

For a while, a while that goes back to the time I wrote my first post on this blog or maybe even to a time before that, I’ve wondered about who decides what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s moral and what is not. This semester, I’m studying a subject called Professional Ethics. It’s amazing to learn that there are various theories that can make one action seem right and wrong. Each of us has something called perception, which is formed on the basis of the community we live in, or exposure to the world, the people around us and what we see, hear and feel from experiences that may be ours or of people around us. The theories, sort of narrow down the number of ways to look at one situation.

Anyway, today, having accidentally attended a class on Ethics, I found my answer. The professor who handles this subject for me actually, is good, but is not the right thing. One needs a really really good prof to handle theoretical subjects… specially ones this based on psychology and society… You know what I mean? Anyway, today s class was taking by a different teacher. And while he spoke, I realized that such stuff IS vague. You only make it more definite when a group of people agree on the basic facts.

The reason why I was thinking about morality and stuff, on this occasion, was because I came across an interesting discussion called ‘The veil debate’. Interesting, because while we talk about a free world and individualism and human rights, we still bind ourselves to rules and conventions and society. I’m not saying its wrong, in fact it’s natural.

We call conventions and vague rules, tradition, in this country. We follow one set of rules for the male sex and another for the female sex. Hell we go even further to divide ourselves based on caste. Regions, even.

I haven’t read the Kuran, so I can’t really comment on whether muslims should adopt the veil or not. What shocked me were some comments made on the sets of the show by a group of well educated people. Girls who wear the burkha (veil) are less prone to getting raped than those who don’t; it’s about removing temptation; it’s about being dresses modestly and so on and so forth.

Do people really think this way these days? I face some amount of problem while I travel by bus, so does that mean I’m in some way inviting this attention by being a girl? Recently, when I said ‘men can be such dogs at times’ a friend very succinctly replied ‘hmmm… it’s because females make us act like that’, I was dumb founded. Was I dressed indecently? Is that why this was happening?

It’s exactly questions and reactions like these that make this society sick. Why don’t you make men roam around blind folded to remove temptation? Who are you to decide whether I’m modestly dressed or not? If I’m covered from head to toe, aren’t I actually increasing the temptation to find out what’s under? Wasn’t it… ‘more is less’?

What is ‘modest’? Who is going to define it for me with the guarantee that I won’t get raped if I live by it?

I’ve come to realize that this whole ‘choice’ thing is nonsense. It doesn’t even really exist. Because of the world we live in today, even things like what you wear, are decided the minute your born, depending on which sex you belong to and which part of the world you’ve been (un)fortunate enough to be born in.