I walked far enough to make you sit still. And just like that, in one sentence, this person had managed to describe the last two years of my life. Just like that. And true it is, to the full stop. I hate absolutely hate people who walk out, don't keep promises... and I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. I haven't so far. Anyway, back to the point. There are two reasons for me not wanting to do that to anyone.
One, the noble crap. Friends forever, will be there for you always and the likes. I see too much. And the fact that it would hurt the other person, no matter how small a part of my life he/she is, is enough to stop me. There's enough suffering in this world, without me adding to it :)
The other being, just to show the person up. Clicking two. And how true it is. Often I'd wonder why I was being so stubborn. What exactly were my reasons? What was making me stay put? Me being me just wouldn't accept it to be ONLY 'cuz it was what friends/girl friends/sisters/blah did... it kept nagging me.
Another thing that bothered me was when suddenly for certain reasons parts of who I was, why I was and why I am what I am came back. Okie that didn't make sense. It's just that sometimes (again) in other people s lives you find a part of your past. And because you don't want the other person to have it as terribly as you did, you start looking for reasons, explainations, theories and answers so that you can help. That's what I did. I tried.
Until the other day, when it all started making sense. It always did make sense, but now it was concrete. Definite. Being as human as we are, we have a lot to feel guilty for. And that makes us seek out pain. Pain, sacrifice, suffering helps us find peace. Salvation.
It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. That's why I'm telling you: dont' get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerfull drug. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. or cowardice. however much we may reject it, we huma beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.
True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God. Don't let's think about that now, all you need to know is that what make the world go around is not the search for pleasure but the renuniciation of all that is important.
Does the soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No. He goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show he husband she's happy? No. She wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does a working man go to work every morning to achieve satisfcation? No. He does it to sweat his butt off so that he can keep his family. And so it goes on, sons give up their dreams to please parents, parents give up their lives in order to plese their childrean, pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:love.
And I dunno where I'm going with this, except that, I just needed to say all this aloud. At least in my head. If you enjoy being miserable, then stop and start looking at what exactly you are doing to yourself.
Sure, you've made mistakes, big ones and small ones, sometimes they ruin lives, sometimes they ruin your life, they hurt the people you love most, but it isn't the end of the world. Forgive yourself, and make it up, not by suffering, but by loving. Yourself, the people around you, and your life.
And no matter what you do, don't do it to prove anything to anyone, do it cuz you know in your heart, that it's the right thing to do. Actually, scratch that. I'm not too sure it works. What I am sure is, that suffering is not the solution. It's temporary peace, that will lead to insanity. And cuz it's not only the tough way out, it's also the only way out.
Lotsaluv,
Yours forever sthupitly.
P.S : Project work is over, nonsense teacher didn't even look at it. Apparently, I'd said I'd done it, and that was enough. Work on the behalf of 4 people, work that was meant to be done for the entire sem, I did, alone, in 4 days. Anyway, that's me being made a fool of again, for being "sincere".
P.P.S: Yes, I'm totally, completely insane. It's been verified, attested and hence confirmed.
sweetie.. you really need a break..
either you're thinking way too much more than is healthy.. or you're just surrounded by very nasty people..
either way, you need to get out of this frame of mind..
or take a break.. go on a FRIENDS watching spree.. laugh.. it really helps..
hahaha... thankus love, but I was seriously serious when I wrote all this. And somehow it makes sense to me now. Finally. Whaddya think?
yours forever sthupitly.
It's just as well that those aren't really my words. The italics, I see, didn't really work. But they are what I wanted to say. Perfectly and exactly. Guess, that clears out the sthupit in my name.
Aah. Bitter things. Another example of what I was saying. Only in milder ways I guess.
And here I thought I was answering questions! Tsk tsk. I must be losing my touch.
Yours forever sthupitly.
P.S: Been there, done that.
P.P.S: I'll stick to friends as my first option, unless of course you can offer me Ally McB.
you know what? we all think that since we've experienced something, others should make use of our knowledge
i'd rather prefer people experiencing things on their own and asking for directions if necessary.
the part of being noble and sacrificing might not be good to the common eye, but i can tell you something, there are times when such acts give you more than the joy of having achieved your lifelong dream.
i seriously don't know what you are feeling so i shall refrain from any advice....makes life easy for you na?
take care anyway
I believe in that too. I didn't really think I was lecturing people, who didn't even have a problem, sawwy.
It's just something that hit me, and I had to say it aloud for it to sink in.
Truth that, about being noble and all. Felt it. All I'm saying is, that it might not have been all that drove me to not walk out, tell lies and stuff like that. And THAT is what makes me feel like SHITE.
I'm fiene. But thanks anyway,
Yours forever sthupitly.
Just came here to post a reply on your comment in my blog -- As far as i know, i haven't seen any comment of yours for that topic other than the one you just posted.
I really miss this blog (and mine too :( ) as I'm now tightly bound (with chains and of course passion) to the Corporate IT world.
Keep blogging. I will read all of it one day and also try to post more info on HER.
Cheers,
NeoDarwinian
@Neo: Oops. Neway, it brought you here, so what the hell.
Thanks for missing it, everything could do with a lil bit of loue.
See ya soon.
Yours forever sthupitly.