In more ways than one, life a few decades ago was simpler. When I say life, I refer not merely to the materialistic advancements we've made since heck, yesterday- in fact, however valid, that's not what I'm referring to at all. Marriage, love, the whole nine yards.
"Love" was for poets, and marriage was something that was inevitable. Your parents found someone for you, you got married. Simple. You stayed married no matter what the "man" did- hit you, drove you to death, loved you, loved others while he was "loving you". You stayed. Simple. Speaking largely from a woman s perspective, nine yards meant household chores, being docile and submissive and taking whatever was given. Simple.
There were no questions, there was no looking around for answers. Even if it meant compromising on one's individualism and conforming to the whole "my husband is my god" and "my wife is my slave" standards, life was simple.
Today, first One spends a few years reading and hearing and wishing about "love", and the next few searching for it. Once the "search is over", One again spends time reading and hearing and wishing about "marriage", and trying to get it. On getting "it", the very same person, One, doesn't spend even 10% of all the time One spent of getting here, staying with "it". And some times, One starts all over. At others, One doesn't.
When you first hear about the prince and happily ever after, you can't wait for it to happen to you. When you're old enough to really go out there and look for it yourself all you wonder about is when it will happen to you or why it hasn't happened already. When it does, it's what did you ever do wrong to deserve this and when it's gone, you'll never be the same person you were again. Ever.
Let's see the facts- no matter how perfect two people are for each other at some point or the other, real life has to intervene, and when it does, it's only human nature to lash out- how do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind - just the daily life kind?
No matter how perfect two people are for each other, at some point or the other, real life has to intervene- jealousy, jealousy on the part of a third party, sabotage, you get the point. How do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind- just the jealousy kind?
Before, one stayed married, till death did them part, literally. Whether it was society that drove them to it, mindsets, or the fact that they still hadn't discovered the ability to do anything other than what they'd been taught- without question. What drives two people today, to stay together? The only force that could hold them would be love. An abstract noun.
Feelings always took a back seat before- things were done out of duty. You married because it was expected of you, you had kids because it was your duty, you even shat because it was your duty. Today, people want romance, and rescuing from towers and evil witches and the "perfect" life partner. They want to get to "know" a person. But, HOW is that possible? You could "know" a person for half your life, and he could still be the person who put the video of you two having sex on Orkut.
How can a person want to depend on another? Why would a person want to do that? Once you've said "forever", how does the term become less than a year? How can you care about a person enough to be the one who hurts them the most? Why!?
Ugh. See, not so simple.
Excellent post...Lots of thot processes now in my head after reading this...A ditto of wat is goin on arnd me...
"Today, first One spends a few years reading and hearing and wishing about "love", and the next few searching for it. Once the "search is over", One again spends time reading and hearing and wishing about "marriage", and trying to get it. On getting "it", the very same person, One, doesn't spend even 10% of all the time One spent of getting here, staying with "it". And some times, One starts all over. At others, One doesn't.
They want to get to "know" a person. But, HOW is that possible?"
Particularly loved these lines..
i don't know whether it is to do with times...but then again i might be wrong.
however, there are also cases in which people have lived happily ever-after both before and now.
i guess its more about being mature and independent...and we're nowhere...more like stuck in a warp between the old and the new and not knowing where to go.
your post was way confusing...using the third person too many times...but i liked the thought...so cheers!
Love - Abstract Noun!!!!!!! true enough, & navneet is right! where people have lived happily ever-after both before and now.
too much of serious thoughts........ after all, if life's a bitch.......be its pimp!!!!
keep going!
@shiv- Hey! Long time. Thank you. Now if you could only answer the questions!! :)
@Nav- I said it would be. I just put it out while I was thinking. There have been "happily ever afters" depending on what you call "happily ever after". The way I define it, I've seen it only in books. In some cases I've seen them, only here and there, in between- I've also seen some terrible moments. 'Can't figure out if it's worth it.
'glad you liked it.
@simba: Love IS an abstract noun.
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
All my love.
hey! hello again :)
Nice to see others think the sort of things I do too - I agree, a lot of things happen later in life that seem to complicate life.Sometimes, a little detachment helps - so does TV! :)
It worked for me - comment for details :)
@Abhishek: good friends, good books and good music is all it takes ... helped me...
@SG: I have seen a lot of happily ever after and some not so happy at all.
I think the trick to answering those questions is to look back at our own lives. Am pretty sure you will get answers to some if not all. More than anything I think it is people and circumstances around us that make things happen even if they aren't really what we want.
Its different for each person and over the years I have seen that generalizing such things would make them all look bad but if you look at the finer details, each case is so much different...
@Ab: Hey! Long time. Sure, it helps. So much so, that I feel like I'm looking into my life. Sigh.
@Ay: Heylo! Great to hear that you're happy- finally. I'm no generalizing, not exactly, that is. I'm just questioning the sanity/ insanity of "relationships" annd abstract nouns.
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
All my love.
I believe a successful marriage comes at the cost of one's individuality. It's is nearly impossible in today's world to not take a step towards each other to make ends meet. However, comprises do not mean being beaten into submission. There's a thin line between self-respect and a satisfying relationship. Well, I am not married so dunno the nitty-gritties but that's what I so many couples around me everyday!
As long as the loss of individuality leads to the developing of another one- something that even though not that independent, is still strong- I have no issues. Compromises? Sure. But to what extent, is my question.
Thanks for dropping by,
SG.
Hello I'm here.. after ages I know.. sorry for that... i'm really going busy these days.. with the examinations right on top of the head.. NOT my exams but my students!! lolz...So loads of checking, review work.. n blah blah blah.. u'll get bored reading abt it..so i won't go on n on...
Nice NEW look to ur Blog. But the shout box has disappeared!
Anyways it was nice reading thro' this post...
I guess happy marraige depends on the maturity level of both the partners!! Though I too don't have any experience.. hahaa... anyways it goes even for 2 friends..
I'm in a hurry so will visit again.. no promises when.. but will surely visit and try and leave a comment too
Lots of love
Cheers n best wishes
Hey!
You've been a stranger to this place, and you really really shouldn't. Exams? Lol, favorite time of every teacher eh?
I guess it does. 'Can't wait to hear what else you have to say about this post.
The shoutbox is very much there, it's moved a lil lower in the side bar. But it's still there.
Thanks for taking the time to drop by,
All my love.
I have quietly followed your blog for a bit now.. and i think your writings are quite scintillating in parts. This one, is a peach. A rehash of the worlds biggest puzzle, but a stylish rehash nevertheless!
That would be stretching the truth a tad, but thank you nevertheless.
SG.
Stretchin the truth woulda been the case if i had said it was scintillating end to end! Which is why i chose my words very carefully! Besides, when someone gives u a compliment, its a tad indicative of bad manners to berate them for it :D
Yeah, I saw that :) I'm terrible at taking compliments, and everyone who visits knows that. So, apologies. And thank you.
SG.
Ok,
Searched a lot, but couldn't find it. So I'm recreating it from memory:
****
"A master was teaching his students about the way of Tao. All were listening in rapt attention, but one. When asked, he replied with a question, 'Master, what is the difference between love and marriage?'
The Master merely smiled and said, 'Come with me.'
They went to the edge of the orchard and the Master said, 'Bring me the most beautiful flower in the orchard. Do not retrace your steps. I'll see you at the other end.'
The student obeyed and set out to search for the most beautiful flower. Following his master's orders, he never retraced his steps. And when he reached the other end of the orchard, he was still empty-handed.
Before he could explain, the master said, 'Now go back, and bring me the strongest branch. Do not retrace your steps.'
The student went back, and when he re-appeared at the other edge, he had a scrawny-looking branch that was definitely not the strongest.
The master said, 'That is the difference. All your life, you keep searching for love, always hoping you'll find someone better just around the corner. But you end up missing it, like you missed the most beautiful flower.'
'And when the time comes, you hark back to these thoughts, and choose the first one that resembles closely to what you are looking for. That is marriage.'
The student was enlightened.
****
Hope I didn't screw it up much.
Cheers!
I stumble upon this blog by accident and I think you are having very high level of anxiety and you dont have 100% belief in the marriage, may be due to many reasons, which you might have come across during the past many years and has prompted you to ask these questions.
I dont believe in the above Tao story, as it does not reflect what marraige is and what love is.
In short, one need to believe his/her companion and vice versa, this is the fundamental, the minute doubt creeps in - that is the end of any happy marriage.
Following are some of the lines taken from an article on marriage.
Marriage is a union between masculine strength and feminine loveliness.
But this is not exactly the same thing as married love which grows by companionship and by sharing sorrows as well as pleasures.
Marriage can be wonderful from every point of view, when it is a combination of the highest physical delight with the highest spiritual development. It is indeed the sublimation of the senses.
Quarrels and even insults given in the heat of anger are certain to happen in nine marriages out of ten. It is supremely important not to let these flames of resentment become a fatal conflagration. They must not last.
the only ideal, flawless marriages I ever heard of were those of the Brownings and the Hawthornes; in both instances the husbands were men of genius and the wives almost angelic.
"However important sex instruction may be to those about to be married, there is one thing more important-Character. Two people unselfish and considerate, tactful and warm-hearted, and salted with humor, who are in love, have the most essential. Of all qualifications for a successful marriage the highest is Character. People who expect to be married need training in character more than they need instruction in sex."
Question: Why do people copy paste psychology text book nonsense onto a simple comment page?
Answer: Cause they'd rather pretend to be intelligent to get noticed than write the daft crap that they are actually capable of.
@Shri: Dude. Where've you been!!? And your stupid page ain't allowing me to comment. So, I'll say it here- it's nice to have you back.
Nice story, and no you didn't screw it up too much- but it still doesn't answer my question.
@Annon: Firstly- women don't embolize "loveliness" only. Secondly, while all that you say is true theoretically- in the real world, real life intervenes. And considering I hardly think of myself as perfect as what you describe, I don't think it's right for me to expect this perfectness in another person.
So, back to square root one. Where do you compromise? Where do you stand firm?
@Dredget- Moi?!
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
SG.
Lol that wasn aimed at u - it was for the anon comment that triggered my response :D
@ SG:
Where have I been?
I've been to London to look at the Queen.
Erm, Sorry, couldn't resist that one. :D
The story does answer it in parts.
This is what i made of the story:
When you search for it, you never find True Love, because the forest is so full of beautiful flowers, you're almost sure of finding a better one, a li'l further up ahead.
And when you don't find it, and time begins to pass you by, desperation sets in and you decide to compromise.
If we could compare our options, we could choose the best, and then:
True Love = Marriage.
Ergo, all your questions put to rest.
Sadly, that never happens.
The entire fuck-up lies in uni-dimensionality of time.
:P
@d: :) Can't say I'm not relieved.
@shri: Right. Almost sorry I asked. I'm a little slow on the uptake, so bear with me- "compare our options"?
Thanks for dropping by you guys,
SG.
Compare our options
= Compare the flowers
= Compare all the people we've met in our search for true love.
Slow on the uptake? Yeah, you are.
So are Romeo, Tristan and Shakespeare.
:P
time for a new post lady :)