I see I haven't been missed.

:(

I've got to ask. What makes a person want to use the line "You know.. I think I'm going to kill myself" so easily? What person uses it as a weapon to make the other person feel guilty and what person means it and why?

I've often used lines like that's it I'm going to go jump off the first floor or something like that. I've never gone right out and said that's that. I don't want to live anymore. I don't claim to have seen the world, but I've seen more than what some have seen. Not all of it through personal experience, but i've seen it all the same.

I understand if you say this when your pregnant at 18 and the guy you thought really loved you, left you. Or when your so into drugs that even you know what a pathetic excuse for existence you are. Or when your raped or your parents die and you have to live off the streets or something equally horrible. And mind you, people in these situations might SAY they want to die, but it's like a cry for help. With the right support and the right words and people, they make it big in life. I'm not saying its easy. I'm also not telling you it's not tough.

I have been shaken up about a million and one times and shown that there are no GOOD people in this world. That everyone just wants something out of you, and they'll use everything possible to get it. I might fall, and have a little fun rolling in the mud, but at the end of the shaking, I look up to whoever the shaker is and say, So what? I know it sounds like I probably live on Mars or something... but seriously, I, at least as yet, have held onto what I believe. And that's primarily: There's good in every person. And that's what lands me up in trouble. Not the fairy tales and happy endings. Na-huh. Just the fact that I think there's good in every body.

What I hate most is when people use this line to blackmail. I, for one, HATE, absolutely hate what it does hearing such a thing from a friend. It's worse than hating chemistry. Or silences. It's the worst thing anyone can say to me. It's worse that calling me a dirty bitch or a slut or a sadist or a cheap and shameless person. Way worse. Because me, being me, will hold my self responsible for it. The minute those words leave your mouth, my mind is already reeling with what I could have done wrong to have led you to a place where... where you'd say something like that.

I'd spend half the night trying to talk you out of it, because to me even the mention of such a thing is scary... and at the end of the conversation you'd tell me you were only kidding. I know that. I damn well know you were kidding. So, why was I wasting time talking to you? Because... what if you weren't kidding? What if you'd really meant it? Mean it? Would I wake up to you not being there tomorrow?

Ugh.

Sigh.

Okie.. I'm going quit while I'm still in control of all my senses. Because what I'd really like to do is kick every person who said this, without reason, in the butt. Really hard. And unless your really in need of a statement like that, I'd really like to give you all the hugs in the world, till you were feeling at least a little better.

Latest on the NSS chapter... I have to carry a bucket and a mug with me. Yipppee. Oh by the by, I'm gone tomorrow... for 10 days. Sad, huh? Ugh. I dunno... I'm kinda scared about the whole thing... but then me being me, am all for the challenge. A new experience. So, while I get set to leave, apprehension tags along. And some more apprehension tags along.

Sigh.

And some more tags along, for free.

Lotsaluv.. and miss me?

Scavengers. Vultures. Looking for blood.. and enjoying every tiny drop. That's what you guys are... One can practically feel the zing in the air when they read that comment page. The one on the last post.


@aytida:
- friends are ahem.. SUPPOSE to be there for each other. Knock knock. Poor guy. 6 stitches!! And all you can do is complain? Shame on you mistar.
-A key cut you? Sure, dogs mew, blogs bite, mangos mang and mom, No,sthupit girl bites, doesn't go with what I'm trying to say. Or does it?
-your cribbing about staying alone at home??? Remember how much fun I had washing clothes because my washing machine gave up on me when I was home alone?? And now it's your turn!! Aren't we lucky?
-*hugs*

@Ry:
- can't sleep because of your gaming. Well there you go.. now we know where the problem is, and you've admitted to it so that's half the battle won now we just have to win the rest. Here's me 5 pointers to gauranteed sleep.
1. Do NOT, absolutely do NOT try counting sheep. It only awakens the thinker in you.. are the sheep black? white? with spots? what color is the fence? My dear friend, it ain't all that easy.. na huh.
2. Try opening up one of those huge massive bound things we're made to carry to school. They work like *snap of finger* that.
3. Tape. Tape is good. Tape your eyes close. After a time the colors get tired of swirling around you, and then it becomes black. And your too tired to think of all the stuff that darkness implies, because you've exercised yourself while trying to follow the swirly swirls.
4. Watch Fanaa. Again. And aga... ha! there your're already yawning!
5. Read this blog. Ha, that's my personal favorite.

Or how about this one? Switch off the comp, and the lights.. and SLEEP!!

- headaches. Now I wonder where they come from. Considering your always in front of the comp gaming. Hmmm... let me think this one through.. i'll get back to you.
- kill yourself. Hmmm... Ahh... hmmmmm... ooh... hmmmmmm.. you see how the number of m's increases? Cool or what??! Why would you want to kill yourself? Give me a good reason and then we'll see if it's worth it or not.

And believe it or not, you've been the kindest to me when it comes to those words with 'A'. *hugs*.

@Stinger:

Anti-social (in the positive sense of the word):
1. unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people: He's not antisocial, just shy.
2. antagonistic, hostile, or unfriendly toward others; menacing; threatening: an antisocial act.
3. opposed or detrimental to social order or the principles on which society is constituted: antisocial behavior.
4. Psychiatry. of or pertaining to a pattern of behavior in which social norms and the rights of others are persistently violated.

Did someone say POSITIVE??!!

The rest of you guys are the only reason I'm still alive and writing. I know, damn your kind souls... but at least you got the "Good deed of the day" out of the way and now you have to bear with me. Only.

It's forever been my dream to do those Agony Aunt columns. I'm serious. Since I love observing people and listening... I don't know where that thought was going. Anyway, if any of you have anything you want to talk about or anything like that, I'm there. And so are the other people who visit this blog...

I also figured that I keep trying to hide the real me. Except, probably when I'm writing. I'm almost always diplomatically correct and almost never talk about myself. I've always wanted to be one of those people who could... be you know, confident enough about themselves to let people around them actually see what they think or feel. So, I'm going to try. You know.. say things like I think them.

Phew. It was hard enough making that promise. I hope I can keep it. Oh and guys? Thankus.

Lotsa hugs.

There seems to be an all time lull in Blogsoville today. And it's been the same way, all week long. People seem to have lost the drive to share their stories of late. I wonder why.

I cooked dinner the other day!! I made chinese. It's the best comfort food in the world. And I made lemon cookies for dessert. They were awesome, if I may say so myself.

Yes, everyone is still very much alive. No, no one had to be rushed to the emergency. And no, I am not making all this up. No, there is no need to wait and watch. All members of the family have been under strict observation for the last three days, which is when they ate my preperations. There have been no signs of illness whatsoever.

So you see... Don't stop believing in miracles. Mark that up as lesson of the day.

The cookies were delicious. I made one batch real crisp, dada likes it that way, and I made the other batch in such a way that they were still a little soft on the inside. They melt, the minute they touch your mouth. And the taste of lemon was so prominent!! Heaven.

I've been working on a few lanterns for my room lately. Nothing great, just paper and paint and bulbs. I'll put up a pic when they're done. My room is turning out to have a little gypsy character... And I just love that.

If you lose that mystery, that tiny bit in you that believes in magic, then my dear friend, you need to get yourself a life. And NOW is as good a time as it gets... specially when your starting to believe in miracles already :)

And before the gloom that shadows the writer of this post falls over the reader of this post, I'm going to stop. If you've had a bad day, deal the details out here and lets see how Captain Cookie can help save your day. And that's that from this tiny town of Blogsoville.

... Oh and help me out here... Think of words with the letter 'A' that describe me. Thankus.

lotsaluv.

Yep, that's what Fanaa means. And yes that's what it does. Even to an insane person like me.

And what it does to a person who has watched it twice, you've already seen an example of it on this very blog :) Blame the movie for the posts you've been seeing here lately.

I know this comes as a surprise to you. And that your thinking about re-evaluating my "insanity" status, and maybe considering pushing me to a notch higher on the scale. A few notches. In my defence... It wasn't in my hands! Two different sets of cousins wanted to watch it. And both being in different cities... Twice. Two times. Not one, not three, TWO. Yuccckk.

The movie has two halves. Neither of which are linked to eachother. By the time you get yourself involved into the first half, it's time for caramel popcorn. And your glad you were busy trying not to get sticky stuff on your dress, by the time the credits come rolling.

In the first half, Aamir plays the role of a guide and he does one helluva job showing Kajol, Delhi (ahem) where she's come to perform at Rashtrapati Bhavan. Innocent girl from small town, and blind at it meets out going and hunky playboy. Lots of shayari.. sparks fly... lame songs, except Chand Sifarish, come. They try to bring in humor by bringing in Jaspal Bhatti, the operative word here being TRY. Oh and if you think the movie ends with her gaining her eye sight... your right. Though, it happens before the interval... What more could there be? Aamir is dead. Terrorist attack. Bada bang, bada bong.. pop corn time!!

And you come back to real hep music, and black polished shoes walking and a brief case. Voila` Aamir is back from the dead with a new hair cut and glasses. Or maybe it's an evil twin. Ha! And I'm Miss India... Oh and if there is a small chance that you still haven't guessed that this guide is actually a terrorist, you... well, just enjoy the pop corn and whoever, oops my mistake.. whatever goes with it ;)

And so it goes on. He meets her again. And meets his son too. Some nonsense, the movie is. For all the hype and all that. But I guess it did show what it intended to show.. how messed up some lives can be. The only thing I didn't like was how not involving it was for us audience. Oh and Tabu also comes in, as Ms. Detective. They really think wearing a leather jacket makes a woman look like she's a part of the FBI??

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, don't. Because if you liked the two songs that are likeable from the movie, the movie is a dissapointment. Unless of course, you have someone who can distract you enough in the theatre, to enjoy whatever little there is to enjoy in the movie.

I like the shayari. The original ones at least that figure in the songs.. All the others are SMS's. Yuckk. Kajol looks damn good. And so does Aamir.. but he's kinda stuck to the lime green and turquoise blue combination in the first half. Oh and their kid is sooo cute.

Rone de tu aaj humko,
Tu aakhein sujane de,
Bahon mein le le aur khud ko bheeg jane de,
Hai jo seenae mein kaid dariya.
Woh choot jayega...
Hain itna dard ke tera daman bheeg jayega.

... that is just about all that I really really liked in the movie. And the two songs. And one more piece of shayari. And of course the movie going on a few seats next to me. When we got up during the interval to get us some drinks... my bro actually took me seat, because then he could get a better look. Guys. Sigh. And I'd bet he made his own movie while watching the same flick with his fiance` (she wasn't with us the day we went..). And I'd win.

;)

One day I dug a little hole
And put my hurt inside.
I thought that I could just forget
I'd put it there to hide.

But that little hurt began to grow.
I covered it every day.
I couldn't leave it and go on;
It seemed the price I had to pay.

My joy was gone, my heart was sad,
Pain was all I knew.
My wounded soul enveloped me;
Loving seemed too hard to do.

One day, while standing by my hole,
I cried to God above,
And said, “If You are really there--
They say You're a God of love!”

And just like that He was right there,
And just put His arms around me.
He wiped my tears, His hurting child,
There was no safer place to be.

I told Him all about my hurt;
I opened up my heart.
He listened to each and every word,
To every sordid part.

I dug down deep and got my hurt;
I brushed the dirt away,
And placed it in the Master's hand,
And healing came that day.

He took the blackness of my soul
And set my spirit free.
Something beautiful began to grow.
Where the hurt used to be.

And when I look at what has grown
Out of my tears and pain,
I remember to give my hurts to Him
And never bury them again.

--Carol Parrott

Was cleaning up my comp and found this... Wanted to share it with you guys.. Cleaning is suppose to help.. Sigh. Hope you guys had a lovely day!

Lotsaluv.

Just a small town girl in the city lights
The best was yet to come
Then lonely days turned to endless nights
The best was yet to come

How were you to know
That you would be the lucky one
Ain't it funny how time flies
When the best was yet to come

You can cry yourself to sleep at night
You can't change the things you've done
You had it there then it slipped away
Yeah you left the song unsung

Even through your tears
I never saw you come undone
What's so good about goodbye
When the best was yet to come

I find myself thinkin' about yesterday
When you were here and livin' in a dream
In the moment that it takes
You find you made your first mistake
Like the setting sun....
You turn around it's gone.

... I don't know how these lyrics have anything to do with anything... but I was just wondering.. thinking about how I've become, true to my name, an Ice Princess. No one gets too close and no one gets to touch me ME.

I'm wondering if there is a ME me anymore. Is there?

If there is then why doesn't that anger come anymore...?? When someone thinks he/she has the right to point fingers at my family. And it's not the situation of letting the barking dogs, bark. When he/she thinks they have the right to demand stuff from me, when they don't.

Isn't friendship about selflessness and space and being ones own self? Then why am I on crossroads. And why isn't it hurting? Making me angry? Making me shout?

I'm just calm (It's scary doing this.. self analysis thing. I'm not used to it. I think it's fake). It's like I've given up.. like there's no point.

ugggggggghhh.. whatever, eh? I've got to learn how to use that word like I mean it. Like I don't have a care in the world. Guesss we can start from tomorrow... cuz for now, thanks for being patient enough to reach here...

Lots of hugs!
Yours forever sthupitly.

Hello childrens. I am back.

I promised I wouldn't cry. I didn't cry for the first day.. but after that... I guess I ain't made of a stone afterall. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about.. My grandmother passed away recently, and hence my absence. May her soul rest in peace with lots and lots of hugs and love. She was the best..

Death. Dying.. All this gets you thinking na? About life. Your life. Your worth.. all that, for another day!!

I hope all of you are not just "okay", you know how much I detest the word.. I hope all of you are in good health and high spirits. Thanks for bisiting and bisiting and enjoying my absence :)

Talking about thinking.. here's another thought. Don't take English for granted. It might be one of the most widely used languages and the most accomodating with the largest vocabulary... but it's crazy!!

There is no egg in eggplant. Neither pine nor apple in pineapple and no ham in hamburger. Sweetmeats are candies and sweetbreads, which are not sweet, are meat Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pigs are not from Guinea.

And why do writers write, but fingers do not fing, grocers do not groce and hammers do not ham?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Perhaps all English speakers should be sent to an asylum for the verbally insane. In which language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Why are ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ antonyms? Why are ‘quite a lot’ and ‘quite a few’ alike?

Don’t you marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which you fill in a from by filling it out and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on?

English was not invented by computers. It has the creativity of the human race ( which is not a race at all). That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.

Right now I'm shifting residence.. you won't believe the amount of rubbish that there is.. Will post later with some more organised thoughts... until then.. lots of hugs!!

And by the by.. when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this essay I end it.