I got thinking today... during some boring lecture. Was a random thought, one of Frost's lines came to mind,

Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom

Which further got my thinking about my most favorite poems... And I've decided to post 'em here... sort of like a trip down memory lane.. except that you can relish the words too. I've already posted Rudyard Kipling's IF... there's many more... So here goes nothing. This one is by Pablo Neruda. Ensaai!

If I die, survive me with such sheer force
that you waken the furies of the pallid and the cold,
from south to south lift your indelible eyes,
from sun to sun dream through your singing mouth.
I don't want your laughter or your steps to waver,
I don't want my heritage of joy to die.
Don't call up my person. I am absent.
Live in my absence as if in a house so vast
that inside you will pass through its walls
and hang pictures on the air.
Absence is a house so transparent
that I, lifeless, will see you, living,
and if you suffer, my love, I will die again.

Beautiful or what?

Sigh.

I think I've got a writing block. Or a blabber block. Whatever you want to call it. And since a little time before my surgery to uptil now, i've been posting really senti stuff. Ugh. I'm so sawry guys!!

You know, people do such crazy stuff to first get into a relationship, then so much crazy stuff when they are in it, and then more crazy stuff when they're out of it. No wonder, this world is a crazy place. But seriously, even though, it was just a passing thought I had, I think it's chrue.

You're going to find yourself travelling around the world in the span of time it takes you to reach the last word on this page, considering you read all of it, so fasten your seat belts and get lots of tissue. Oh cry you will. In agony.

You mustave gotten one of those five forwards that've been over the internet since it was born.. those 26 things a perfect guy would do, what girls like, what guys like... blah blah blah.. you get what I mean. The funny thing is, they are chrue to alot of extent.

For example, when I say "k." It means, get the fuck out of here before I hit you for hurting me. When I say "sure, that's okay" it means I hate what your doing to me, but then, I shouldn't have expected otherwise.

The thing is, when someone else says it, it might mean something else, because they are a person in their own rights. And instead of asking your friends what the hell something means, you should ask the person. That's the problem when you start paying too much attention to the "stereotypes" that exist. And exist they do. Personally, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of "candy and flowers", when the flowers are red roses. I hate them. It's too common.

I mean sure, if they were my favorite flowers, and that would happen only if the guy had bothered enough to find out, or actually listen to our converstaions. That's when the make some difference to me. When they mean something.

The same goes for, hearing and listening and talking. Some very very wise person once said, don't marry a person you can't sit with through a 6 hour flight. At the bery least. It takes alot to get me to talk, in person. And when I do, if the only thing I'm going to get in the end, is a view of your bery tasty back side walking out on me, I'd stop with a "k.".

There's alot of examples I can come up with... I hear and see people all around me. Been there and done that. So, I know.

Anyway point I was getting to, yes there was a point, is that it's more appreciated it if you're you. It's what I tell my sis, my friends, my family, everyone... be who you are, no matter whether your the girl or the guy. Don't pretend to like something when you don't, and even if you are doing something just so that you can make the other person smile, give it a fair shot... chances are that you'll end up enjoying it too.

I don't mean to sound cliche` and I don't mean to sound any more grandmotherly, than I am, but seriously... until you can love yourself, and not feel ashamed of your choices or your preferences or anything about your life, you can't love someone else. Be it a friend, a boy friend or anybody else.

Umm... that's about all that was on my mind. Ahem. Lol... will post soon. Lotsaluv and hugs,

Yours forever sthupitly.

I guess that's what I should call it.

Making no sense? But then.. when do i ever, na?

This "year" (college year) started with putting me on a roller coaster. And I haven't been allowed to get of it, ever since. First, an awesome trip to Munnar for 10 days. The "to Munnar" involved combing all the major National Highways of the south. A day after I come back, my grandmom passes away, so I go to Delhi. Over the next two weeks I went from Patiala to Delhi to Chandigarh, i.e., combed all the major National Highways of the north. I come back just in time to make it to my NSS camp, which helped me cover some of the remotest areas of the south.

I get back, and I'm being pushed to college. One would think life becomes easier as you move up on the seniority scale. But nooooooo , we get piled on with assignments, projects, department projects and a requirement of 75% attendance per subject, per month. Maybe it's just me. Sigh. Dad leaves for two weeks to Europe.

He comes back and we go to Hyderabad for my checkup. Come back, and fly back within a week for my surgery. I miss two weeks of college and five exams. Fifteen tablets a day and everyone pestering me about eating "right". And I get to look like a mummy for ten days. Talk about having the cake and eating it too.

Get back from college and get piled on with writing re-tests, submitting assignments I'd missed and project work that doesn't seem to go anywhere without me. I haven't even been back 10 days and my grandad passes away. Day before night.

Every time I get 5 minutes of peace and even think of putting my feet up and sitting, I get thrown into a gut wrenching loop. Presently, I refuse to cry. I used to be his favorite grandchild. Whenever he'd find someone who'd sit and spend time with him, he'd bore them with stories about me. How we washed the car together and how I'd pester him for sweets when he got back from work everyday. How he used to save my from my then evil cousin. He never tired of them.

When I saw him when I went for my grandmother's funeral, he was like a lost kid. I used to sit beside him till he fell asleep. That was the last time I ever spoke to him... four months ago. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I kept postponing writing my usual letters to him, cuz of all the stuff I was bogged down with. He was hard of hearing, so talking to him on the phone was difficult... Ugh.

I refuse to think. Any more than this. I refuse to think about what comes after this. I.... dunno.

Guess this is life.

Or something like it.

ellos yeverybody.

It's been one loooonng week!! And I come online to find that other than Ay, no one else has posted anything anywhere. I guess its in the air or something.

I still haven't finished my exams... have three more to go, and hopefully will be done by next week. Pray!! Have mercy.

Something happened in college the other day that got me thinking... I was just doing my senior duties and ragging a few juniors... if you just said "You? Ragging?" then get out of here, before i finish saying uncle. Now. Ragging doesn't have to be of the dirty shitty kind.. making people cry and making them feel anything lesser than what they are worth. It's about building familiarity.

Even though familiarity is the last thing I want with these dirty lil things that have joined college. Surprised? I was too... I grew out of the looking down my nose thing a while ago... but apparently, some of it is in my blood. I like being the youngest!

Anyway, this whole ragging thing... we just made them do sthupit stuff. kissing the board, making rockets, mismatched clothes and the likes. I won't go into details about the incident... but it saddens me to see that people, most people, don't understand how important humor is.

Personally, I measure the worth of a person by his sense of humor. His ability to laugh. At himself and with the world. It forms a damn huge part of whatever lil that I am. How can one not laugh??

I've learnt that life's too serious. Which is why it's important to laugh once in a while. It comes a close second to breathing on the important list. Yes, laughing at yourself is probably the last level a person can ever reach... but how about laughing, well, cuz something is funny. Or silly. Just letting loose and giving in to the moment?

I guess that's where the problem is... the letting loose. I've reached a point in my life where happy moments scare me. So, I hide behind sarcasm. It might not sound original, considering that I'm saying it about me... But, I've seen people do it. And when I look at the way I act, I see it there too. I'm starting to ramble.

Fact is, whatever it is, I do let a smile out once in a while. You should do it more often too. It makes you look younger. It's got a nice sound to it. It makes others want to smile. It brings out the twinkle in your eyes. It makes people feel safe.

Basically, life's too short to hold grudges. So, enjoy the moment. There's alot of people in worse situations than the one you might be in... *reading this is not being counted, hence, your arguement doesn't/won't hold good. So, save your breath* There's work to be done... smiles to be spread.

Do something silly or nice for yourself or someone in your life everyday... see how much of a difference it makes. Heck, seeing you guys have bisited makes me smile. Everyday. My mum thinks I'm crazy. There's a lot of terrible stuff in this world. There is a lot of hurt in our hearts, I agree. There's tension and worry and pain and anger. And numbness. Which is why, it's even more important to do this. To feel alive.

Go ahead and do it. Make my day.
*puppy dog look*

Lotsaluv and hugs to all of you,

Yours forever sthupitly.

It's one of those times, again, when there's too much thought and words are too few. But I'll try, because bugging you guys seems to be the only way I can solve things for myself.. bless ya.

• Eighteen is a pretty big number, specially when it's going to changed to a nineteen, in around 4 months.
  
  
• I'm so shit scared. I didn't think I could say it... but I've got to. Unless I admit it, I can't face it. And face it, I have to.. cuz fears are best left behind. I don't know about what. Specifically. But I am.
  
  
• At the end of the day.. it all comes down to the fact that we need to be loved. That's it. That's all there is to it. The tricky part is where you have to let down your guard and actually accept someone's love... Because that means taking the chance of having yourself stamped and stomped on. Again.
  
  
• And I'm just not ready for it.
  
  
• Can you believe what a surgery can do?? Make a bro, who doesn't remember I exist, until it's Rakhi time, call me up. Three times in ten days!! Thanks bro... hope to see you acting more like a bro!! ;)
  
  
• The Indian Airlines crew was good this time!! I actually did the Miss India and an Oh.Mi.God. The food sucked, though. Well, a girl can't have everything!!
  
  
• There's friends and then there are friends. And I'm locking myself up in that tower of mine again... to keep away from politics and all that that goes with it. Ugh.
  
  
• You know who you are, and if you ever bisit, thanks for bisiting me today. It felt.. nice. Something I haven't felt in a while..
  
  
• Happy is a very indefinite word. And elusive too. hmmmm... *stroking my beard*
  
  
• Love me when I deserve it the least.. because that's when I need it the most.
  
  
• It's been more than a year and a half... and I don't know when I'm going to be ready to stop fooling myself about things. Relationships and the muck. Schmuck. Sigh.
  
  
• There's a point after which, I don't let people in into my life. It's sad, I know. But I don't know what else to do.
  
  
• And now I'm thinking, I should write to an Agony Aunt column !!!
  
  

I'm going to stop now. I will post something better in a while... Right now, me going to sit and study.. At least, we've gotten that priority straight. Surgeries, major ones, make one want to sit back and re eval one's life. And oh I did. And me is not liking it... Sigh.

Hope your day was better than mine!! Lotsaluv and hugs... Oh and thanks for missing me!! I know you were just saying it.. Don't say it!!

Yours forever sthupitly.