... that feeling when you just want to bend over, hug yourself hard and wail? Cry so hard breathing becomes difficult. When something that is so much larger just squeezes your insides and breaks you.

I was so sure this was it. This was the end of this whole mess I'd created. This whole mess I'd convinced myself I'd created. That this would be what could free me of the burden I carry around. That it would.

The part of me that hadn't already curled up and hidden itself away, wants to weep now. The part that hadn't already gone into self preservation mode wants to stand on the roof of the tallest building and scream- wants me to give in too, to give up.

This part of me wants me stop right here. Wants me to accept that the mistakes I made ARE really as big as they've seemed on my worst days when they really aren't. I KNOW that logically. But I need to FEEL it to believe it, to be free, to be sane again. The part that wants me to stop is a really big part.

I'll be safe, if I do. But I'll have settled for less that I deserve. Less than what I think I deserve.

So, for now I'm not. I know I should. I know I should just shut down and put up the "CLOSED" sign. I know. But I couldn't.

7 comments

1. Kaushik on Sun Oct 26, 07:20:00 PM GMT+5:30

   These cryptic posts of yours are awesome.

    
2. Anonymous on Sun Oct 26, 09:51:00 PM GMT+5:30

   i wish i didn't understand what you're saying but i sort of do.
   
   stupid angst and emotion. to use your own phrase, all my love.

    
3. Anonymous on Sun Oct 26, 10:57:00 PM GMT+5:30

   ...same emotions as koze :P
   
   also 'to be free', you've to stop wanting to be free...coz that desire in itself is another chain that tethers you from your freedom.
   thus spake kahlil gibran, the most intelligentest person to roam this world

    
4. Sthupit Girl on Mon Oct 27, 09:36:00 PM GMT+5:30

   @Koze: Thank you.
   
   @A: Thankus. Stupid guilt and angst and emotion and a conscience :D
   
   @Nav: Thank you to you too. I meant free of the burdens I carry, not free free.
   
   SG.

    
5. Vishal 'Tommy' Thomas on Mon Oct 27, 10:17:00 PM GMT+5:30

   im going with the otehrs... that was brilliant :) ..
   
   and freedom is a state of mind :) .. let those tensionns fade away.. go on a driking binge :P .. lol... naa.. sing the saddest song u kno.. adn then sing the worst one u know :P .. and then ur facourite.. its an automatic smile bringer :)

    
6. Navneet on Mon Oct 27, 11:13:00 PM GMT+5:30

   a burden is a burden if you think it is one.... remember the matrix? (i love the wachowski bros!) :P

    
7. Sthupit Girl on Tue Oct 28, 12:09:00 AM GMT+5:30

   @vishal: Been there, done that. But thank you.
   
   @nav: I've made it clear I know logically I have done nothing wrong, but logic isn't always enough.
   
   SG.