Dear B,

Over the years, I've tried in many ways to show you how good you are. How much you are loved. How many you inspire. How many you smiles you spread. I say tried, because on some occasions I doubt I have convinced you fully. I do hope that while your mind might tell you one thing in these occasions of doubt, you will know deep down in your soul, the truth.

No one knows the power of words as well as I do. And try as hard as I might, there are times when I have let you down. And there is nothing much I can do on hind sight but apologize. I hate liars, and consequently lying to myself. It takes time for me to find the real reasons, the right words to say what I need to- which is why as soon as I find them, I write. Which is also why some times I stumble. It does not mean I am weak in any way or changing sides to please the powers that be. In explaining to the other what I have understood of me and my actions, I am not making excuses or hiding.

You have a strong personality, and I have no doubt that some day you will be a force unto yourself. I envy you that. It is said, and wisely at that, that with great power comes great responsibility. That the secret to a good relationship, to being a successful leader, to well, being pretty much good at anything- you need to be a good listener. To act like a sponge. Look objectively at facts, process them, and then announce your verdict. Like not everything is forgivable, every wrong isn't worthy of a death sentence. Sometimes all you need to do for the accused is find him a psychiatrist.

Even while this milestone may imply a parting of ways, I cannot but help await with eagerness to see you grow stronger, more beautiful and smarter. I also cannot help the tiny twinge of uneasiness that accompanies these feelings, the dark monster that rears its head(s) at times- the fear of you being hurt, the need to protect and just hold you close, to protect you from the ugliness. I however, quell these teeny weeny doubts with just as much ease, for I know I have taught you all that I can and know. And now I must just let you be.

Test your boundaries but don't ever do anything that you'd want to hide from people. Let your hair down, discover yourself, but one baby step at a time. Always always trust and believe in yourself.

And know, that you are loved. Forever.

All my love.

(Written on 5/21/2009)

So it's one of those days at work - There's a deadline to meet. The powers that be have decided to assign me work that has a terrible schedule - I'm convinced I'm hated.

I'm trying to debug a piece of code and staring hard at my screen. V comes by and insists I look up. When I do, she's busy talking to the person sitting next to me. After a few minutes she's walking back to her desk.

Me: Hello? You were saying something?
V : *scratches head* I was?
Me: Yeah! You came all the way insistently yelling my name. Must have been something important.
V: Important?
*after two minutes*
V: I love you?

I totally ♥ work.

It's late at night, and after the day you've had all you want to do is curl up and let it come to an end. The radio is playing Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya and the moon is up right near your window. You're too tired to let the light bother you, or let the sight enchant you.

The phone is lying on your ear, and you whisper to keep the household from waking up. You could just not talk, but the voice is comforting. Pleasing. Caring. Because you're lying on your stomach you develop the slightest of slurs, it makes you sound even more adorable than you are.

No unnecessary conversation, the silence is comforting. Every once in a while the person on the other end says something and you respond. You blabber on about work related stuff that is still running through your mind, even without realizing it - and the other person, lets you. Tomorrow morning, you'll hear all about it :)

Before you know it, the ghazal is over and you've gone to sleep.

With the biggest smile on your face.

I end each with with surprise at how much the year has really brought with itself- this year, came to such a smooth halt, it was only when I turned to look back that I realized how many chapters have ended and how many new ones started!

• Became an engineer, no thanks to Anna University, but to all the people who made the journey bearable- for unexpected friendship, bizzare reasons to laugh, nonsensical messages and group studying- thank you .
• Am now gainfully employed with a "salary account" and absolutely love each day of work, thank you Accenture. I have a boss who says "chal jhooti" and "don't lie" when I wish him a happy new year and tell him I'm going straight home from office and a team that sings "Shala la la la" while working on a Saturday afternoon. Did not know corporate life could be like this. I consider myself blessed everyday.
  
• Moved from Chennai, after 8 years, to Mumbai- can't help miss Chennai, but it was time to move on. There will always be a bond to that place- I "grew up" there :) I loved my surprise farewell party, it was actually a surprise. I was to leave thinking I'd had no impact on lives, only to be taught that I was loved.
  
• Met my chuddy buddy after half a decade- thank you dad for moving to Mumbai and Accenture for letting me stay in Mumbai.
• My sister made it to law school, all by herself, and totally lived up to my faith in her capabilities. Every battle we've fought together, or that I fought for you with mom and dad, has been worth it. I'm proud of you, honey.
  
• Gave GRE, gave TOEFL- did well- still can't stop being happy about the 5.5 on my essay! Wrote essays on "me", did my first "video" interview. Thanks Nav, for all your help. Words will never be enough to express my gratitude.
• Sold my first (and probably last) painting!
• Tasted champagne- belch.
  

There's a million other things, I'm sure, that have made this year just whiz past- and it's been one helluva ride. 2009 was an important year from every angle, no doubt, but 2010 will be an even more important year and I've got only three little words for it- bring it on.

Here's wishing each of you good things, happy endings and glorious new beginnings this coming year. May each of you, and the people you love, be blessed with good health and lots of laughter.

All my love.

It's been so long that words have flown as easy as they do today- and even while it takes effort to get out of bed and grab my laptop, to move around pillows so I can find a more comfortable position to recline in without setting off my cough again- I do so willingly, because this comes as a welcome relief.

Accenture has been treating me wonderfully. In spite of the long hours I put in, I absolutely love going to office, and the people I have with me on my team. There isn't a work day that goes by without a shared bout of unlimited laughter with colleagues; the bond between new friends strengthening over exchanging inconsequential details about each others lives; the rush of pleasure that an email of praise from your boss brings; the feeling of belonging you experience when someone looks hard enough to find a strained smile and does their best to turn it into a full blown laugh.

With such a hectic week, the weekends are completely and purely dedicated to sleep.

I find myself, on most days, in good place in life. I like the tiredness of a day well spent that makes you just fall into bed at night.

What I don't like is these sudden bouts of loneliness- when you miss the feel of a hand that is larger and rougher than yours quietly engulf yours underneath the table; when you miss the hands that take the liberty to sneak around your waist, to keep you from leaving. A shadow that makes you feel safe, strong and loved. A single look that can make you smile.

I realized only today that Quest for Thought turned 5 this June. It's sad that the year has almost come to an end, and even though so much has happened, I haven't made enough time to write. Five years! Half a decade. I've been able to define myself not only through my writing, but in the writing of others. To everyone who takes the time out to visit, and comment, and care- thank you.

Jayashree, you're my biggest find in this blogging world. Your writing is amazing, and I can only hope that you keep giving me things to read.

Navneet, I've found in you the brightest of minds and kindest of hearts (and correct grammar, and someone who can cut short my sentences). I can't wait to see the Nobel in your hands.

Koze, you're the reason I started writing, and you probably have a few people who can't wait to murder you for that. I love your writing, and you! A million thank yous for everything.

Anna, Adi, Abhishek, Ry- I wish you'd write more!

All my love.

There are times like these when being in two minds seems almost like a relief. It means you're not in more than a dozen emotional states at one time. You're not bored and scared of excitement at the same time; you wish to "do something" and not get out of your chair at the same time as you're not bored and scared of excitement; you're not sad that you are over somebody you've loved for a major part of your adult life and miss that rush of feelings you felt every time you spoke to them at the same time as you're not bored and scared of excitement and you wish to "do something" and not get out of your chair.

You're in just two minds.

You're happy. You're happy because you spent time catching up with your best friend, even if it is on the phone. You're happy because amma had something to say about the fact that you spent half the evening on the phone with a boy she does not like, even though you're 21 and haven't spent more than 5 minutes on a phone in 2 months. It's just like old times. You feel calm, and just let go. Let things be. Let them come to you, instead of being in a rush to get to them. You no longer worry about what time it is or where you have to be next, even while still arriving at where you are now. It's a blissful feeling.

And second, you're blank. Just in the moment. There is no past and no future. Just this minute, in which ma is promising to smash the yellow bulb you are determined to
read/write, in first thing in the morning, your sister is jabbering nineteen to a dozen about how the judge in her court was so utterly cute; in which you find your dad calling you to wish you goodnight.

In some corner of your mind soon, the wheels will start churning again. There will be a million things that need to be done, a gazillion things that need to be said. But until that moment, there is this feeling, this feeling of eternal hope. This warmth, that ensconces you. This sensation of being surrounded by love. In which you can't help but feel blessed.

So, TOEFL is done!! The first speaking question, which I was quite sure I'd muff up, I did. The rest was pretty okay, I'll let the marks speak for themselves. GRE is coming up soon, and I'm getting tired already.

I'm also soon going to be a paid employee at Accenture! They've FINALLY decided to call us- I join work on the 31st of this month, at Mumbai. I can't wait.

I recently had the misfortune of picking up Pink or Black (a gift my sister received). I swear to GOD I've never read anything worse. It's 100 pages of nothingness. The concept of trying to figure oneself out is something I've thought about myself, but this chica has taken a wonderful idea and made such a terrible mess out of it, I'm at a loss of words. You can see that the writer has used a thesaurus on random words. Sudden incidents that do not fit the character, look like they've been added, just for the sake of including them.

The book made me starting working on MY book. Yes, I'm writing a book. If you want to feature in it, tell me something terrible/nice that's ever happened to you :D I'm serious. I've got three chapters written already. I'm going to have to thank Tishaa Khosla in my acknowledgments. Her book pushed me off the edge!!

Seriously, give me incidents!

All my love.