I'm picking up from where I left off in the last post. There's not much left to say, but whatever there is, needs to be said properly.

Sometimes "it" may not be something as stupid as losing a boyfriend or girlfriend or a crush or getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. At times it hurts real bad. And you try to hold on to it, because pain is the only emotion you can actually feel.

I've been down this path before, and I'm going down it again. So as to make my point clear.

As humans, we are very very inclined to actually enjoying the pain. More than we realize. It might sound sadistic but fact is- we're all guilty about something or the other. It could be having too much, or giving too little. Or having enough and still wanting more. Or anything in between too. Bottom line- we're guilty. The quantity makes the difference.

So, when the pain comes along- we enjoy it. When I say enjoy I don't mean you go out and party or... well, any of the things that you associate with the "happy" enjoying. What I mean when I say we enjoy it is that some where we believe we deserve it. It acts like a balm. It's a very neutral and numb feeling. And that's what makes it attractive.

Initially, it's best to just give in to it. Do the whole go- with- the- flow thing. Time, though, makes the pain pass. Or it's affect on you pass, at least. At this juncture- you can either think of ways to hold onto this state of numbness or let it go and embrace life and start living again.

This is when you need to go re- read my previous post- we all mess up. Sometimes things are just messed up. Sometimes things mess up real bad. But there is NOTHING, and I mean nothing that is so bad that it can't be corrected. No mistake that can't be forgiven.

Say, for example, at the very extreme, you killed someone. You're still alive aren't you? You're alive for a purpose- even if that purpose is to pay for your deeds and make things right. You could pay by crying about the fact that you did do what you did do or didn't do what you didn't do or get out there and do something about what you did do or didn't do that you shouldn't have done or should have done.

The key is to make the payment positive. And with that, I rest my case.

-Courtesy a Digital Signal Processing exam.

Emotions totally mess you up.

Even the happy kind. They make you too happy, and then when reality sinks in, you become too miserable. If you're already too miserable, then anything that happens just makes you either too "fine" with the way things are, or more too miserable.

Basically, everything is in the extreme. Black or white. Left or right.

But we all know that there's a few hundred shades of grey in between black and white. And that there's a lot many places in between the left and right. That's real life. Not the extremes, but the few million shades of everything.

So, STOP over reacting!! Sure, you can do the whole crying- your- eyes- out- thing or the jumping- on- the- bed thing, just don't drive yourself to the jumping- off anything that is at your height or more above the ground. Or driving into stuff.

Once you're done with screaming into the pillow, or pulling your hair or pulling some one else s hair- sit down and think rationally. Set aside the negative energy and focus on how and why whatever has happened REALLY affects you and what you can do about it.

So what if the other person doesn't love you anymore? Think about it- did you really love him? Or were you just in love with being in love? Are you really ok with him digging his nose and tasting the "booty" in public? Are you really ok with the way his trousers are just on the verge of giving in to gravity?

Alternatively, are you ok with all the bitching she does? Do you really want someone who cries over a broken nail in your life?

So what if you've flunked a paper? So what if you can't cook?- if what you're upset about is not being able to cook. So what if you embarrassed yourself in public- only people who can laugh at themselves are actually secure about who the are, what they stand for.

You get the idea.

Shake yourself for me. You're only 20 odd something! You've got your entire life ahead of you. It's not the end of the world! Chill dude.

(And those of you who know me, knows how much it takes to actually get that yankee phrase out of me)

I'm not saying whatever you'd have done was right or wrong. Nor am I trying to belittle your pain or suffering. All I'm saying is, no matter how bad it might have seemed then- YOU can get over it. Make things right, and move on. You just need to set the emotions aside, and think with a clear head. And then do the "right" thing. Just remember- it's not the end, until it's the end you want it to be.

Be good to yourselves,

All my love.

So I've finally been officially given the right to wreck havoc on the streets, and in a four wheeler that too. Which also gives me the right to be the one yelling obscenities and swearing at the other "sthupit" people on the road! Yay me.

I've been running the following sentence through my mind since last evening, if some one can shed some light, please do.

So I've finally been officially given the right to wreck havoc on the streets, and in a four wheeler- nothing less?

Oh wait. I just got it. So I've finally been officially given the right to wreck havoc on the streets in nothing less than a four wheeler. Ha.

Best part is, that I don't have a two wheeler licence. The only two wheeler I can ride is a cycle. Making this a first. And I've promised ma that I'll get the two wheeler licence done some day- using influence- my name, no cash, only. And THAT will be the day that I'll know that I've made something of myself.

Sis the great, not getting the irony the first time of course exclaimed at the obvious- a two wheeler as a mark of your success? When the first car you've learnt to drive is an ikon?

Hope you guys are doing great, and not even a smidgen less than that. I'm just a week away from my finals, and hence you will be treated to more frequent posts- you are hereby warned.

All my love.

I came across a marked line while flipping through pages, re reading the parts I liked best, of this book of mine last night. I do that often, mark stuff I intend to write down and keep, in case writing then and there wasn’t an option. Just a line, a phrase, a description- anything that catches my eye.

“Your feet will bring you back to where your heart is.”

Irish, I think.

It reminded me of something that had happened to someone I knew/ I’d read/ heard about. The slashes because it’s from another era and the how s/ where s and what s are blurring.

*Mush alert*

They sat on the terrace. Her head on his shoulder. There was so much that needed to be said, but for now they were content to just be there. Together. And in love.

Or that’s what it looked like to an outsider. He could literally hear the wheels turning in her head. Every crank. ‘Almost knowing what she was going to say… he sat there wondering how he could convince her otherwise.

Gathering all the courage she had so that she could say what she was going to say, because she had to say it. Because it had to be said.

“But you’ll walk away.”

He said nothing. Didn’t deny it, didn’t even make an effort to tell her that that was utter bullshit. In stead he gently lifted her head off his shoulder, and made to stand up. She’d try to stop if, only is she believed in making people stay when they didn’t want to- him wanting to get up didn‘t seem like he wanted to. So she didn’t.

Tears threatened. She did love him. She only wished she could believe him when he said he did love her too. Wouldn’t hurt her. Would NEVER hurt her. Leave her. Refusing to watch him walk, she kept her eyes down and let him go. Heard every step. Counted them. Gave up after 13 and let the tears come. Blurring her eyes. Else she’d have seen the shoes that had come in her line of vision. Wanting for her to see, he bent down and lifted her chin so she could look into his eyes. Not once looking away, he wiped the tears spilling on her cheeks.

She said nothing. Didn’t fall into his arms. Didn’t delight in seeing him back in front of her. Not a single spark of hope in those gorgeous brown eyes. He’d known she’d been hurt before, but seeing how badly, killed him. He hated being the reason for the tears, but he’d had to do what he’d done. Gotten up and walked away. So she’d realize.

“See, babe? That was me walking away. That will always be ALL the walking away I can do.”

He saw the realization dawn. ‘Saw the light creeping back in. Felt his own heart contracting.

“I do love you brown eyes. Nothing could send me so far away that there was no way of coming back to you.”

“13 steps? I can deal with that.”

And they kissed the evening away.

Another era, like I was saying. So basically, the Irish lie.
--------------------

There you go, Me is back. Crazy as ever.

So, I finally got sucked into posting! Hope alls well with you guys,

All my love.

Extremely intriguing article I came across the other day. Writing is difficult and writing about good sex that is sexy, is impossible, or so I'm lead to believe. And you probably will too, after you've reached the end of this page. Like Martin Amis puts is, "Sex can be funny, but not sexy".

I've read my share of sex scenes. Some absolutely inappropriate/ shockingly disturbing/ right out insulting and extremely hilarious depending on which generation you belong to.

If you thought that the only way to win an award was to write/ do something outstanding, and great- well, you're in for a pleasant surprise. Apparently, there's an award for truly bad stuff that makes you noteworthy. And here's one that's most interesting- An award for the worst written sex scene every year. It's called the Bad Sex Award and was established by the Literary Review in 1993 "to draw attention to crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it."

The winners and the passages they've won these awards for makes for quite a captivating reading.

1994, The Stonebreakers, Philip Hook very disgustingly wrote, "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing" and went on to win the award. Hopefully, it provided him with the counsel he so rightly needed.

Difficult to categorize what the next two winners were trying to do- with the 1997 winner Nicholas Royle (The Matter of the Heart) writing "She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren" and 1996 numero uno, David Huggins in The Big Kiss scribe, "Liz squeaked like wet rubber."

Being of Asian origin has never amused me more, for there is a disproportionately large number of Asians who've come close to and in some cases wining this piece of cake- From the 2003 winner of this award for Bunker 13, Aniruddha Bahal, "She is topping up your engine oil for the cross-country coming up. Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time..." AND " She's taking off her blouse. It's on the floor. Her breasts are placards for the endomorphically endowed. In spite of yourself, a soft whistle of air escapes you."

In 2004 the finalists included Siddharth Shanghvi for "Was in on the bed that she sat on him, her weasel-like loins clutching and unclutching his lovely, long, louche manhood, as though squeezing an orange for it's juice?" and Nadeem Aslam for "The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead."

But alas, Tom Wolfe bagged this award for the following passage in his book I Am Charlotte Simmons- "Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... " (an absolutely wrong choice as you can judge for yourself) Things just keep getting better don't they?

2005 had Salman Rushdie nominated for this award with his "Boonyi pulled her phiran and shirt off over her head and stood before him naked except for the little pot of fire hanging low, below her belly, heating further what was already hot."

But my most favorite read came from 2000 victor Sean Thomas for "It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa," in his book Kissing England.

What can I say but, absolutely enchanted?

Teachers who know nothing and take it for granted that you have nothing better in life to do other than sit and wait for them to not turn up for classes they'd arranged to suit their schedules or turn up to class and not utter a single word which relates even remotely to any of the subjects of the curriculum.

Laboratories that shouldn't be for more than 2 hours, allocated 4 hours. The very ones in which air conditioners don't work. On subjects that are to be taught only in the next semester. With teachers who won't teach anything extra either, 'cuz they aren't paid for it and expect us to not only finish the huge list of experiments that they themselves know squat about but do projects too.

Politics that keeps disgusting and depressing you with each passing day. Even on days when you think you've touched rock bottom and nothing could possibly be lower that this snake s belly, they go and find you a whole new snake and a whole new definition for lower and/or snake's belly. Or something like that.

Apparently, the whole joint exercies by the armed forces that was recently held can be looked at from another perspective than that of just being a friendly and yet awesome oppurtunity for India. The other angle being that this was supposedly an answer to Russia and China s some move. That didn't make sense. Basically, everyone thinks that Russia and China are ganging up. So, we gang up with USA and Japan and form a gang of our own to try and prove a point to the gang that Russia and China ganged up to make.

And I'm lost. Totally forgot what I wanted to say.

Just one last thing, everyone should go and look up Theory of Computation and try studying it. It's awesome. By the time you reach the end of one sentence in a theorem, you forget your name. So, by the time you reach the end of a page, you forget who the hell you are.

So, pray for me. I know I bug you, but I'm basically a very good person.

All my love.

Scared. Chocolate. Brothers. Love. Inhumane. Hunger. Infidelity. Exams. Indifference. Romance. Rain. Coffee. Terrified. Friends. Voices. Hurt. Wimper. Dance. Alone. Music. Guilt. Best friends. Enunciation. Pain. Couples. Happiness. Loneliness. Fear. Humor. Calvin. Self- defence. Sleep. Hugs. Suicide. Killings. Death. Loss. Hunger. Pennies. Freedom. Confidence. Insecurity. Apology. Empty. And again. Bad bad person. Nightmares. Silent sighs.

Wanted to write. Ended up with this.