I don't like it when my friends make new friends. Who are better than me. And can give them things that I presently can't, for reasons that are absolutely real. At least to me.

I don't.

I don't.

I DO NOT.

If the following outburst hurts anyone's sentiments, I apologize in advance. Also, granted that the exact opposite may be happening to you in another part of the country or the globe: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT ANY WAY, JUST LIKE I DON'T HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING THIS SIDE OF THE WORLD.

This bleddy state and it's people have finally broken me. Actually, why accuse the entire state, let's stick to this godforsaken college, and curse those who are responsible.

Yes, I'm a "north Indian". You guys don't really give a person the choice to be labelled anything else considering everything that is not this state, is North India. Yes, I speak reasonably decent and fluent English. And yes, I do NOT know your language. I cared enough to learn the basics, so that I could TALK to you- NOT because I needed to get work done from you, but because I wanted to TALK to you. Apparently, the same can't be said for you.

I didn't make fun of your customs or your beliefs. People who did make fun of you, who used you in every way they could and all that only because they thought they had the right to, having being born to the "higher strata" of your very religion- are the ones you suck up to. The ones you show your loyalty towards.

Why, I ask myself? And guess what, there's ONLY ONE REASON- because they aren't "north Indians". They speak better English than you too, but hey! they can also bark like the street dog in "your language".

For the first time in my life, I wish I wasn't non judgemental. That I hadn't helped you; that I hadn't cared. That I hadn't tried to understand your culture, like it, enjoy it, embrace it. That I had bullshitted you, the way you dressed, the way you spoke- because apparently, THAT is what you call friendship. Friendship is too strong a word, THAT is how you define humanness.

You bleddy f******.

If you are so worried about losing your language that you find it necessary to make the medium of education in your government intuitions (which are apparently world reputed) not English and if you feel that by talking in English you are in some way still allowing yourself to be ruled by the British (yes, THIS is actually an argument people here use) build a bleddy wall around your state, so that no one who can't speak the language doesn't enter it, in the first place.

The logic apparently is, "you are coming to us, you want us to help you, learn our language, why should we learn yours?" You live in the world you ayyah buggers! You interact with people to not only suit their purposes but yours too! You want to be able to sit in a Harvard with no means of understanding what they have to say to you, or telling them what you think?

YOU are not God's gift to this planet. You are but a mortal, the slime of the earth according to me for thinking the way you do. You have every right to love your religion, your culture, your language- just like I have to mine. You DO NOT have the right to force yours on mine, just like I don't have the right to force mine on yours.

What you did was wrong. Not once did I stop to differentiate between you and me on any grounds. Not once did I believe you would, either. I don't hate easily nor is it easy to get me angry. You angered me so much, I walked myself home in the rain. The way you treated me was wrong. And I hope that some day, you realise it. And will be able to forgive yourself.

And also, I'm not even English!

My hatred and frustration at being in the place that I am in, grows exponentially with each passing day. So much so, that instead of wanting to hit my head on a wall, I now am thrown into fits of laughter that don't stop until every muscle in my body is hurting. THAT's how much crazier I'm getting.

The latest bout of laughter was brought on thanks to excerpt from the newsletter of the Personality Development Association, nothing less, that I came across- which in it's "From TEAM PDA" had this to say :

It conducts yearly festivals like .... and also inter school events to elate the students into eminent personalities through the festival... You get the idea... It has also been bringing out the various hidden beauties of the students in the home magazine "PERSOPLUS" which is considered as the forum for expressing the views of the students.

The end reads- Thus, in this Silver Jubilee year we dedicate ourselves to the worthy ideals of the PDA to the betterment of the students and to make them a shining star in the Indian sky.

Best part is- this is just from the first column on the first page. I have yet to tell you about the Editorial which states, and I quote,

"Persoplus(the name of the magazine), as usual, has been kindling the hidden treasures of the students by inviting them to unlock their views on various current themes."

The pages to come, keep in line with the standard set on this first page- and there's this one article that beats anything you could have ever read in your life- I'm trying to get hold of the soft copy.

Oh and there's more to come. This, even though relates to my department- has absolutely nothing to do with me- (Haven't changed a single letter, by the by)

"Dear Friends,
The Information Technology Association of blah blah blah, the rich & the unique techfest of its kind on the 23rd Feb 2k8. We on behalf of ITA cordially invite you to be a part of blah.

... with its variety of events ranging from technical paper presentation to Programming contests for the technical geeks and from Quizzes to gaming for the Challenge loving ones will surely provide some refreshments fro the grey cells and some weights for your wallet and lots of fun and enjoyments. Just check out into blah on feb 23ed for a one to one fight with the best geeks and the adventurous ones and also challenge the world and prove yourselves through our online events which start as early as the first week of February...

Don't Miss IT! "

DON'T MISS IT.

To our seniors, while cordially (again) inviting them for the Alumini meet, we say (amongst other things), and I quote (again)-

We would like u to relish the moment with your presence.

No one's asking for high funda words. Just correct grammar!! How hard is it to get someone who does know a little more about the language than you do, to proof read what you've written? Guys can be such pains!!

Anyway, that's all from me. Had more to say, but after having had to recall all this, I'm ready to get drunk.

Toodles!

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The point of this post is NOT to poke fun or sound "holier than thou".

I've always considered myself above hate, so far. The closest i've come to hating is, hating brinjals and silences. Brinjals, 'cuz well, they are brinjals and silences 'cuz they scare me. Other than that... I've never HATED someone.

I never thought I hated anyone. Past tense. Long passed, past.

I do. I hate the fact that I gave you the right to hurt me. I hate the fact that I told you what would hurt me. And you did. You do. And you know it. I hate me for hurting.

I hate that I shared my dreams with you, when all you could do was mock at them. I hate that it made me feel small. I hate that I let me feel small.

I hate that you made me feel like a looser, at times. That when you said it, even in anger, I let it pierce through, and hurt.

I hate you for making me cry myself to sleep every night, when you didn't shed a tear. I hate me, for being weak.

I hate you, 'cuz I can't ask you to fuck off, get lost, the way you did to me. I won't do it. I hate that I can't. Won't. 'Cuz I'm weak.

I hate you for taking me for granted. I hate me for letting you know, realise, that I'd really be there, no matter what. And you did that "what". I stayed.

I hate you for not understanding me. For never taking the effort to read in between the lines. I hate me, for expecting you to.

I hate you for knowing, and still doing it. I hate you for turning out just like another "somebody". I hate me for expecting it. Almost wanting it after a point, so that we could get it out of the way. 'Cuz more than knowing it was hurting me, I knew it wasn't good for you.

I hate that you don't realise, understand, comprehend, what I did for you... I don't want a nobel prize, but I wanted you to at least acknowledge it. I hate me for expecting something in return. Because then, that's not true friendship.

I hate you, 'cuz when I ruined myself just so your worst fears wouldn't realise, you made mine come true. I hate that now i'm left to pick the even more shattered, scattered pieces, alone... while you aren't. And don't give a damn.

Fooled ya, didn't I? Hell I f***ing fooled myself. Had to say it aloud. To accept it.

I don't know if it's really HATE, hate... I don't feel anger, towards anyone but myself. I just feel... sad at times, you know? Feel like bawling my eyes out... Crazy.. you hate something like that to? Or is it just me?

I've got to ask. What makes a person want to use the line "You know.. I think I'm going to kill myself" so easily? What person uses it as a weapon to make the other person feel guilty and what person means it and why?

I've often used lines like that's it I'm going to go jump off the first floor or something like that. I've never gone right out and said that's that. I don't want to live anymore. I don't claim to have seen the world, but I've seen more than what some have seen. Not all of it through personal experience, but i've seen it all the same.

I understand if you say this when your pregnant at 18 and the guy you thought really loved you, left you. Or when your so into drugs that even you know what a pathetic excuse for existence you are. Or when your raped or your parents die and you have to live off the streets or something equally horrible. And mind you, people in these situations might SAY they want to die, but it's like a cry for help. With the right support and the right words and people, they make it big in life. I'm not saying its easy. I'm also not telling you it's not tough.

I have been shaken up about a million and one times and shown that there are no GOOD people in this world. That everyone just wants something out of you, and they'll use everything possible to get it. I might fall, and have a little fun rolling in the mud, but at the end of the shaking, I look up to whoever the shaker is and say, So what? I know it sounds like I probably live on Mars or something... but seriously, I, at least as yet, have held onto what I believe. And that's primarily: There's good in every person. And that's what lands me up in trouble. Not the fairy tales and happy endings. Na-huh. Just the fact that I think there's good in every body.

What I hate most is when people use this line to blackmail. I, for one, HATE, absolutely hate what it does hearing such a thing from a friend. It's worse than hating chemistry. Or silences. It's the worst thing anyone can say to me. It's worse that calling me a dirty bitch or a slut or a sadist or a cheap and shameless person. Way worse. Because me, being me, will hold my self responsible for it. The minute those words leave your mouth, my mind is already reeling with what I could have done wrong to have led you to a place where... where you'd say something like that.

I'd spend half the night trying to talk you out of it, because to me even the mention of such a thing is scary... and at the end of the conversation you'd tell me you were only kidding. I know that. I damn well know you were kidding. So, why was I wasting time talking to you? Because... what if you weren't kidding? What if you'd really meant it? Mean it? Would I wake up to you not being there tomorrow?

Ugh.

Sigh.

Okie.. I'm going quit while I'm still in control of all my senses. Because what I'd really like to do is kick every person who said this, without reason, in the butt. Really hard. And unless your really in need of a statement like that, I'd really like to give you all the hugs in the world, till you were feeling at least a little better.

Latest on the NSS chapter... I have to carry a bucket and a mug with me. Yipppee. Oh by the by, I'm gone tomorrow... for 10 days. Sad, huh? Ugh. I dunno... I'm kinda scared about the whole thing... but then me being me, am all for the challenge. A new experience. So, while I get set to leave, apprehension tags along. And some more apprehension tags along.

Sigh.

And some more tags along, for free.

Lotsaluv.. and miss me?