Thanks to the silence around me, I can hear the voices in my head again! Yay! It's great to have them back. Only, that sometimes it isn't.

I've always admonished people, for doing things out of only duty. Even my parents, at times. I hate, really really hate - even more than brinjals, if you may - when people say they're doing things 'cuz it's their duty. Parents go to office everyday to keep food on the table, not for satisfaction. Sometimes they even love, only because it's their duty to, not because they do love you.

It's really one of my greatest fears. And is, I think the biggest force that holds me back. Duty. Doing things out of a sense of duty. Point is, these voices in my head have finally cleaned my ears of all the wax and cobwebs that there were and MADE me face the fact that the very thing in life that I'd decided was needed to make life worthwhile was, in fact, what I was keeping away from.

I am not quite doing anything out of duty, presently. But then, I'm also not quite doing anything, at all. And that's the sad part. For all the times I've barked, literally, at people and made them gather their wits about them and get on with life, I really am just not doing anything. Not now, at least.

Holding me back was also coming so close in contact with death. Death, up until now had been something that happened to people you didn't know. What happens after it? One option, like some wise person said would be you stealing my identity, robbing me off all my money and running a drug ring from my house. Another one would have to be - nothing. You just turn into dust. Yet another would be- just existing. I could go on - point is : It all happens in a matter of seconds. All of the stuff you've done, lived for, feel for - all gone. Just like that. And then, what?

It's an abstract state of mind. I don't know how to explain it without sounding crazier than I am.

Blah.

But then I think to myself, we'll deal with it when it comes. Why worry about something you have no idea about? And can't have an idea about? Sure, it's scary. But on some level, even that's good. Helps keep your feet on the ground.

What it is that I think really determines if your living or just existing?
It's the simple zing you feel zip through you. If doing something, being with someone doesn't give you that zing, then you really aren't doing what you want to. Your doing that duty thing again. And hence, wasting life.

The voices in my head are also telling me that if a person comments on this post at least twice he/she will get a call from the person they've been secretly crushing on. And that it's time for me to go feed ourselves with chocolate ice cream.

Nuff said.

Yours forever sthupitly.

People mess up their lives so easily. I messed up my life so easily. So much chaos, so much wrong negative stuff. There's all magnitudes of messing up... you could get into dope, you could end up selling dope, you could just be a weak person who has a knack for terrible relationships, you could just be a weak person and sometimes one just ends up screwing up ones life 'cuz one thinks he's screwed up another persons life.

My point is, that either because of you or because of someone you are related to you (which again means because of you), at some point or the other, all of us find ourselves, to put it eloquently, screwed. Majorly screwed, if one might have it.

At times, it isn't even because your a bad person or have done something to deserve bad... at some times your just a victim. Like all this stuff that's been happening in rapid succession in the past few months across the seven seas. Life is full of bones being found, serial murders, serial rapes, terrorist bombings or one government employee trying to "screw" the other one. Absolutely screwed up lives. Hell I feel insecure just reading about such stuff. I don't know how or if I'd ever have to handle such a situation, I'd ever even be able to. I hope none of the people I love and care about never have to, at the least. Selfish, one might call it.

Chi... so where was I ? Oh yeah... So, we all screw up once in a while. The point is, are we strong enough to get our lives back onto track again? Are we ready to deal with whatever went wrong, accept mistakes, make up for them, and start afresh?

Firstly, it's not everyone whose given the chance to clean up the slates. If it's just a boy friend whose dumped you that's making you want to kill yourself or drink too much (which is killing yourself anyway), you have a chance. A good and easy one. You might have just gotten out of jail, you have a chance too, but it's a tough one. You might have just been letting your grades slip - you have a chance, a good and very easy one. It's all a matter of seeing what you have, and doing something with it. Something good with it.

Secondly, not everyone has the right support system. I screwed up on a pretty small scale. The only one whose still got scars to show, is me. But at least I had the guts to face whatever it was, and clean up my life after that. There's a lot of people who don't. They just go from one damning relationship to another, because like a teacher of mine used to say they have no vertebral column.

Thirdly, not everyone has the guts or the urge to clean up the slates. Some people are happy to just give in, and rot away. Others, have oppurtunities, the right friends, they just don't have the balls. Others still, are deeper in shit than they can dig themselves out of - they still manage to do a good deed in the end.

It's pretty simple - unscrewing ones life.

1) You rid yourself of any type of alcohlic crap.
2) You rid yourself of all the people who don't believe in you. Of all the people you've just been taking crap from. Which also means surrounding yourself with people who really do care for you.
3) It also means having to trust them with your life.
4) You start begging, and kissing the feet of the people you've hurt, indirectly and directly, all the people you "owe", and make it up to them.
5) What is wrong, is wrong. It's not right under any circumstances. Not even if your drunk enough to walk yourself to the Buckingham palace, and dance in front of the gaurds, naked.
6) It's a lot of hard work, and very tiring and extremely hard on the ego. But only a man can do, what a mans got to do.

It's pretty sad to see lives go wasted. It's also pretty sad to end up questioning the human race, with questions ( yeah that's me. articulation at it's best) like why people do "bad" stuff anyway? Why others let it get done to themselves? Why some others just sit and let it all happen just for the money? Why still others do something about it, and get screwed anyway. Question, that don't have answers. Or some pretty damning answers, anyway.

All you can do is have faith, say a lil prayer and hope that someone somewhere is listening, and get on with the day!

An absolute moo point, if I've ever seen one. Hope you guys have a lovely day at work, I'm just going to laze around with a book *evil grin*

All my love and prayers,

Yours forever sthupitly.

I really hate it when I have mood swings. And lately, I've been having extreme ones. I'm not much of a dramatist, when it comes to... expressing stuff. I've got this childish idea that if people really do care they'll see beneath the surface. Read between the lines. Fill in the blanks. Whatever.

So, basically I'm just talking much more to myself. In my head. And you, my dear friend, will be better of taking it from me, that you don't ever want to end up in such a situation, no matter what.

It was so damn peaceful a while ago. Each day, instead of praying for some "spice" in my life, I was asking for tranquility. Okay, so that'd be taking things a tad too far, but I guess, just some peace and quite. Safety.

It's funny... *warning bells ringing* This post on Navneet's blog made me laugh. Another irony. Silences, was what he's written on. And very eloquently. The reason it made my smile, a sad smile, was 'cuz while I claim to hate silences with all my life, it's what I crave for most these days.

But then again, silences don't always have to imply the calm before a storm, I'm beginning to see that. I hate it when it's thrown on me. When I'm talking and people just shut up. I can understand when I'm boring them with the gory details of my life, it's one of the reasons I don't anymore, but when we're talking about them? General stuff? And they find something better to do, and then three hours later, when all the entertainment's worn off, they'll call up like nothing s ever happened.

Bullshit.

No, I'm not taking a shot at anyone, even though it might feel that way. I don't want an apology, in fact, it's the last thing I want. In fact, I don't even know what I want. What I'm supposed to want. Any clue?

I don't really hate anything or anyone. Sure, people have bullshitted me, and walked on me and out on me, but I don't really hate them. I hope I haven't done all that stuff to people, but even if I have, I really wish they didn't hate me, and knowing me, I've probably apologised. I don't think I really know how to hate... it's one of those things where I figure life's too short, and hating takes too much energy. So, I'd rather hate brinjals and too much socialising and silences.

It's very easy to make me believe it's all my fault, for some reason, and people around me take definite advantage of that. It's maddening, now that I realise it. Or maybe, it really is.

Blah. Blah person, blah life, and blah writing. Is blah and will die blah.

I finally found the ghazal I was looking for on one of my old cd's and I'm so damn glad. There was a 2 hour special on worldspace last night, so that was fantabulous.

I dunno what exactly I wanted to write about, but I guess i'll stop, this's been torture enough.

Lotsaluv.

P.S: Will blahhing really have two h's?? Or will there be one? Hmmmm...

It's surprising how no one but me the great, notices how badly words can affect a person. For some reason, due to the excessive reading that I used to do I guess, I've seen and observed how people react to words. And it registered. So, now I'm doubly careful about what I say. Even when I'm angry. People've hardly seen me angry, but still.

It saddens me in a way, that I don't have the capacity to just blow off my top, and yell. Say hurtful things, just cuz the other person s said them too. To make them feel bad. Hurt them, maybe more than what they did to me. I just keep quite. I know it's all anger talking, and when they cool down, things will become clear. And then we can sort it out.

Sorting out is k, it's forgetting what the other person's said that is difficult. You may forgive a person, but what of the words that linger at the back of your head? And from then on, no matter what your fighting about, they pop up.

What I don't understand is why people, knowing how dangerous words can be, don't actually take care before they use them? I've seen people do extreme things just because they heard that someone might have said something. Might have, mind you. So, you can imagine how even more extreme things might happen, when they DO say it, and say it on your face.

It's funny... that even after all the care that I take, I end up doing the explaining for why I said something and what I really meant when I said it, and that I'm sawwy if you took it in the wrong way. I bloddy take the initiative and do it, even when the person on the other side of the fence has said more than enough to last me a few lifetimes has never once bothered. It's pathetic really. The way I am, I mean.

Get lost. Two words. I think there was even a movie, where an older brother tells his sibling to "just get lost", and the kid really does. Or was it a book? Either way, that was enough to stop me from ever using those words. That's all it really takes, for me. And it's pathetic, once again. Ain't it?

These days people use it all the time. Empty phrases, just to... I dunno just to what, but they just say it. I don't even know why the say them, if they don't mean them. It's beyond my comprehension. So, if someone has some insight, it'd be of great help.


Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S: No I'm not depressed, and neither was I trying to drive you over the edge, I was just thinking. And HAD to write.