For the first time in roughly four years, I've spent an hour and a half a day actually LEARNING. There's been this international conference going on in college- I'd usually get involved with the organizing and that'd be the extent of my involvement, but since this one the staff wanted to handle, they just made attendance compulsory to make the auditoriums look more full. Not one to even attend such things, I went with my ipod loaded with two new movies and some Full House episodes. Only, to my surprise there were actually people from abroad- proper universities like Rutgers and all, even profs from IIT Bombay! I loved listening to their speeches even though ALOT of it had little to do with my course work.

So, that's reason one of the lightheartedness that I've been experiencing. Learning, I find, always make me happy. Specially after the early deaths my brain cells have been sentenced to these past four years.

Reason number two is because soon approaching is the end of this road. And the last stretch looks infinitely tolerable now that the staff allotted for my subjects and project work will be lecturers who wouldn't be bothered to even take classes. It's the least they can do.

Reason number three is that I am now officially an Accenture employee, thank you very much. The job offer has been signed sealed and delivered. I have a very nice t-shirt that came along with the offer letter- one my mom had to literally force off my back to wash :D I love the company already and I hope I won't be too disappointed.

Reason number four is that Pride and Prejudice (BBC series) that I now have the pleasure of watching thanks to Zee Studio. I would like to go on record to state that both the movies (Bollywood and Hollywood) were abominable compared to this one and the book, at the same time asking you to put previous acclaims down to temporary insanity.

Reason number five is that my birthday is coming up. And for once in my life, I've got a whole list of things I DO want, and am actually saying it out aloud instead of worrying about if I deserve them or not. Mom, dad, sis- if you're reading this, just to remind you of the decision we arrived at after today's discussion- you are to ditch the search for a perfect phone, and work on buying me the perfect car instead.

Reason number six is all the wonderful people in my life. Sis, you may leave me breathless but you're like those just perfect rays of sunshine that warm you and leave you smiling. Dish and Simrat, you guys are the like the smell after the first rains that leaves you happy and satisfied. Mom, we bug the hell out of you but then again, you leave no stone unturned in returning the favor. And you, the people of the blogging world who STILL visit, muah! You make me smile.

Reason number seven is well, there's nothing else I can put this unencumbered feeling down to. There's a right time for everything. For letting go, holding on. For wanting to just hide under the covers and not want to face the day, for liking what you see in the mirror and actually looking forward to the day. For worrying about every tiny smile you feel you have to hide, for every spontaneous hug you let yourself enjoy. You get the general idea. What I'm trying to say is, have faith. When the time is right, you'll be free and ready to believe again. Until then, eat chocolate cake and enjoy your girl friends. Don't be in a hurry to get to the other side, you'll get there when you are ready.

I leave you with Mary's Boy Child Jesus Christ- really helps singing it.

All my love!

P.S. Check out the human calendar in my side bar! Me loves.

The slight drizzle we had yesterday prompted the government to take swift action and declare a holiday for schools and colleges. No sooner than it struck ten that the sky cleared up. It would to be seven o' clock in the evening before the Gods decided to weep again.

It poured cats and dogs all night leaving the city in knee deep water. It continued to pour other animals too, so much so, that knee deep soon became chest- hurting- can't-see-a-thing-umbrella-flying-drive-at-15-kmph four hours of rain that just refused to let up.

Still with smiles on our faces, wet to our bones we turned up promptly at eight thirty of the pre-placement talk at CEG ( both my college and CEG have placements together at CEG, we're one university now)- Google was coming! Sure, only a handful of us would get in, but it'd be a super cool experience. It was google after all!

They started their ppt at around ten ish- two phrases that I would take back with me from that one hour I spent with them, because of their frequent occurence as part of the "culture at google" were- "work ethic" and "do not be evil". The Professor in charge very kindly read out the names of students elligble to attend the first round of screenly- no MIT student was short listed. Criteria to attend the company- CGPA above 8. Did I have that much? Yes. I have 9.1 Did the fifteen other people with me meet with their criteria? Yes, each and every one of them did.

Supremely pissed off and thinking that the professors in charge had taken their partiality towards CEG students too far, I asked the guy in charge why none of our names were on the list. To quote him, "MIT students are not elligible." To make sure the decision was of the company and not the University office, I approached the HR person who'd come (I was on a roll by then)-

Me: "Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to ask you a question, if that's alright."
She: " Yes, of course."
Me: "Was it your decision to not shortlist MIT students or the colleges'?"
She: "It was ours."
Me (sweetest voice ever):" Can we please know what the reason behind this decision was?"
She: "I've discussed it at length with your professors and I would rather he explained it to you."
Me: "Sure, thank you ma'am."

Within five minutes, I was on my way to college with the rest of my friends. The university had NO bleddy right to allow a company that discriminated against a department of its just because it was located on a different campus. We have the same exams, same rules, same VC. Not an affiliated college. Not an autonomous college anymore. We are a part of the damn university.

Walked straight into my HODs room and gave her the details. Another five minutes and we were talking to the Vice Chancellor (what a day for him to be visiting our college).

We were informed some time later, that he had been in the know how. Some student from my batch had tried to approach the company directly, and they were pissed off about it and had brought it to his notice. Utter bull shit. And that's what we told our HOD. She promised us she would follow the matter up, but that it would take time, and to not worry.

Point at the end of the day was- we'd lost an opportunity. One that wasn't coming back any time soon.

Only, for probably the first time in the history of a governmental institution action was taken within hours. We were to find out in the evening, that the VC on returning to his offices, had cancelled the company.

I feel sorry for the students who had been shortlisted and were attending their interviews by that time. Our only intention was to be told why and how this need for segregation arose, and why and how it was being allowed.

I'm ecstatic also. You should have seen us. HOD in front, me and two three of us who had represented the issue next, and my entire class behind us, umbrellas out we marched across college to meet the VC. It was like leading a revolution. And in some ways it was. One that we won.

Only, I'm slightly disappointed my weapon of choice will be known as an umbrella.

------------
P.S. Two goverment officials who took prompt action and stood up for what was right. In one day. Almost too hard to believe no?

I almost gave up.

Threw my hands up in the air.

Blocked out every dream I'd ever had. It's funny how sometimes you become so numb that even the sharpest of pains can't touch you.

And then Bones and Booth sang Keep On Tryin' (by Poco).

In those two minutes, everything righted itself.

I'm not giving anything up without a fight.

SG.

After four years of blogging, some form of appreciation. Sure, it had to be wheedled out. Still, eeeek! I got a blog award.

Awarded by
astrodominie to Sthupit Girl

This post is going to be super shot. One, fathers have this way of waking their daughters up that mothers can just never do. Mornings suddenly become bearable, even Monday mornings. And even though you'll never read this, thank you dad.

Two, for the third time in one month, I've gone for CAT class only to sneak right out and back home. It's not like I don't get enough opportunity to travel by MTC, which by the way is a post long due, that T.I.M.E. is doing me a favor by giving out wrong schedules and/or rescheduling without notice.

Three, I just realized I've written fifteen mock cats already. Fifteen. That's five more than ten and five less than twenty. Which would mean there's exactly five Sundays before the D-Day.

Four, we grow up hearing about how great the Ratan Tatas and the Mittals of India are. I've read about their lives, and I read about them every time I pick up a newspapers. A new factory here, a take over there. But it's only after hearing the press conference Mr. Tata had regarding the Singur issue, did he become "real" to me. It was in that moment that I knew that I liked his dignity, and I was left inspired by his passion.

Five, I thought I was the most peculiar person in my family. Or at least one with the most peculiar peculiarities. Turns out, my sistar is slowly inching her way to first place. So- she robs dad of a an absolutely new notebook. Lies down beside me on the bed and starts flipping its pages. After a whole entire minute, her actions have my complete attention. She continues to touch each page with reverence before going to the next. She continues to touch each blank page with reverence before going to the next.

And now I must run. Have a super fun long weekend,

SG.

P.S. Dad just let me drive the car first time after the puja (yes, me the punjabi did the not-punjabi ayudha puja). Finally a sign of good things to come.

Ohmigod. You guys who have free access to T.V. must have seen this advertisement- and I just CANNOT believe no one has told me about it before!! And if you haven't, you've just GOT to see it. It's THE most unbelievable thing on the entire planet. And when I say entire planet, I mean the entire planet. And you know how badly I do exageration. And if you don't know how badly I do exageration, then go see it.

Help comes to those who seek it, no? Well, apparently the person you're suppose to go to for help regarding your under garments is this person called "Laxmi Chachi"- she really has got all the answers, plus she's really got all the answers. Anything you want to know- elastics that give away, fabrics that don't last- any of it. All you have to do is ask. On T.V. And don't think people don't ask. They do. On T.V. About underwear that tears to fast and stuff.

Go on, switch on your televisions, and watch it for yourselves. You know you want to.

Surprisingly enough, this time exam time is making my posts shorter in lenght than ever. Lucky you! For those of you in the same boat as me, may the forces be with you.

All my love.

You know how when you're walking down the road, and you find a lone slipper/ shoe lying on the side, and you smile that small smile and shake your head wondering how the hell it ever got there? Yeah, well, now I know.

The wonderment is less when you find one in the center of the street, because then it's probably because it fell off someone's foot while they were on a bike or something. And if it's on the side and is accompanied with utensils or clothes, you figure it was probably a part of a get- the- hell- out- of- my- house tantrum. But when it's just sitting there all alone- you're flummoxed.

I won't be anymore.

Mothers ARE a whole different breed. And mine belongs to a whole other different breed. Because not only is she the whole sacrificing, peace making body in the house, great cook, dedicated employee, brilliant teacher, can shout at levels that match my sisters' and more- she happens to be the reason for my enlightenment. For de- flummoxing me. For seeing to it that I shall never be flummoxed by a lone slipper on the road side ever again.

Best part is, it was done so carefully, that I hadn't a hint about what was coming.

It all started when ma needed to get down from the car, and couldn't find anything to go onto her other foot. She tried feeling around for the chappal in the darkness- it had to be somewhere in the car after all- but didn't have much luck. Leading to an extensive search of the car, which also turned out to be in vain. The suggestion that it could have been left at the last stop was met with general laughter and we searched with lesser enthusiasm this time round. Because while inane under normal circumstances, the scenario that had been put forth looked more and more probable. How could we find something that wasn't even there?

And just to make sure that we'd left no stone unturned in our search for the lost chappal, we went back to the possible scene of action. And there it was lying just where we'd parked before, looking all lost. That was IT- when it found the first beam of the car's light- that was when the light dawned on me too. When the blinders were removed. When I realized.

So bothered about not smashing the eggs in her hands, she had been- that while getting into the car (for reasons she refuses to make public) she'd taken off her chappals (again, for reasons she refuses to make public) so that exactly one of them had landed outside the car. Carefully placed the eggs in her lap. Closed the door. *And off we'd driven into the sun set*

That's one of life's so far unanswered questions- well, answered.

May the light always be with you. All my love.

This is something I've been pondering over for a while now- I still am, which should warn you that this post is going to be crazy.

In more ways than one, life a few decades ago was simpler. When I say life, I refer not merely to the materialistic advancements we've made since heck, yesterday- in fact, however valid, that's not what I'm referring to at all. Marriage, love, the whole nine yards.

"Love" was for poets, and marriage was something that was inevitable. Your parents found someone for you, you got married. Simple. You stayed married no matter what the "man" did- hit you, drove you to death, loved you, loved others while he was "loving you". You stayed. Simple. Speaking largely from a woman s perspective, nine yards meant household chores, being docile and submissive and taking whatever was given. Simple.

There were no questions, there was no looking around for answers. Even if it meant compromising on one's individualism and conforming to the whole "my husband is my god" and "my wife is my slave" standards, life was simple.

Today, first One spends a few years reading and hearing and wishing about "love", and the next few searching for it. Once the "search is over", One again spends time reading and hearing and wishing about "marriage", and trying to get it. On getting "it", the very same person, One, doesn't spend even 10% of all the time One spent of getting here, staying with "it". And some times, One starts all over. At others, One doesn't.

When you first hear about the prince and happily ever after, you can't wait for it to happen to you. When you're old enough to really go out there and look for it yourself all you wonder about is when it will happen to you or why it hasn't happened already. When it does, it's what did you ever do wrong to deserve this and when it's gone, you'll never be the same person you were again. Ever.

Let's see the facts- no matter how perfect two people are for each other at some point or the other, real life has to intervene, and when it does, it's only human nature to lash out- how do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind - just the daily life kind?

No matter how perfect two people are for each other, at some point or the other, real life has to intervene- jealousy, jealousy on the part of a third party, sabotage, you get the point. How do you put up with abuse- however unintentional- and not even the "abusive" kind- just the jealousy kind?

Before, one stayed married, till death did them part, literally. Whether it was society that drove them to it, mindsets, or the fact that they still hadn't discovered the ability to do anything other than what they'd been taught- without question. What drives two people today, to stay together? The only force that could hold them would be love. An abstract noun.

Feelings always took a back seat before- things were done out of duty. You married because it was expected of you, you had kids because it was your duty, you even shat because it was your duty. Today, people want romance, and rescuing from towers and evil witches and the "perfect" life partner. They want to get to "know" a person. But, HOW is that possible? You could "know" a person for half your life, and he could still be the person who put the video of you two having sex on Orkut.

How can a person want to depend on another? Why would a person want to do that? Once you've said "forever", how does the term become less than a year? How can you care about a person enough to be the one who hurts them the most? Why!?

Ugh. See, not so simple.

Wondering if he is the man for you or not? If you’re a man or a woman? If your in love or not? Are you questioning yourself? Want to understand yourself better?

Well, not anymore. Here's a list of questions that have been carefully framed the study the human psyche better.

Instructions: Get a paper and pencil. Switch off cell phones. No chewing gum. And no calculators allowed. There are no correct answers!!

1) A man can expect to reach out into the refrigerator for milk when…

a. The cat is hungry.
b. It’s starting to get sour? Just the way you like it.
c. The toast is too dry.
d. ESP.

2) Where do you read the newspaper?

a. In bed.
b. In the toilet. Like da.
c. On red signals while driving.
d. Breakfast table.

3) Which side of the bed do you take?

a. The one that faces Mecca.
b. The “other” side.
c. The one that speaks to me.
d. North east in the day time and south west at night.

4) What does the word relationship represent to you?

a. Hot and sexy dates. Every night. Till you stay for breakfast one day. And then you move on.
b. Love, respect and admiration for the other person. Something that is based on trust and faith. c. A symbiotic relationship. Full freedom. Mutual satisfaction.
d. Huh?

5) You’re in the park, sitting on the bench… having just finished your walk, when you see a kid fall down and start howling. What do you do?

a. Dote on him with love and kisses and affection until he forgets how to deal with injuries.
b. Pick him up and make him stand on his feet, and give him a whack for being such a sissy.
c. Find the kids parents and ask to represent them after suggesting they sue the park authorities.
d. Increase the volume of your i-pod.

6) What would you name your German shepherd?

a. Noodle.
b. King Kong.
c. Doggie-po.
d. Bananahammock.


7) Your fairy tale would take place in -

a. In the land I rule. There'd be no hunger and starvation and only good people. (you get the idea)
b. Paris!
c. Take the last left on the street I live on, go straight down till you reach the barbers shop, take the right opposite it and the immediate left. Go straight down till you reach a dead end. You see that dark corner? That's where my dog does his business every day.
d. An enchanted land.

8) What does the line “candle in the wind” mean to you?

a. Someone is trying to light a candle in the wind.
b. It represents a person s vulnerability. The wind represents the relationship the person is in.
c. There’s a candle in the wind.
d. I think the person was a genius. It refers to the science experiment which was started by Hargobind Khorana. The aim of this exercise was to find out if each person in the country would light a candle on the day of the World Cup, the chances of India winning are way higher than if they just sit in front of the television and watch. The follow up of this experiment is what we see today as the “Jup for the Cup.”

9) Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

a. *embarrassed look* Aww shucks.
b. Totally.
c. Shameful. I decline this question.
d. No comments.

10) Why does a toast always fall buttered side down?

a. It’s been proven. I have statistics. A group of scientists, buttered different kinds and sizes of toast and let them fall from various heights. Finding – it never lands on it’s edge.
b. Serves you right for buttering both sides.
c. Butter? All those calories? Have you looked at yourself lately!!
d. Fate. Life. Karma. Kismet.

11) Which place would you like to visit?

a. Donkey s fair.
b. Timbuktu.
c. El Colorado.
d. St. Kittis and Nevis.

12) What do you do after making love?

a. Bathe, like da.
b. Get on the phone!!
c. Snore.
d. Blow raspberry s on his/her tummy. Cuddle up and talk.

13) The “Last Supper” refers to:

a. Before Bhagat Singh was to be hung to death, he was given a feast. All the inmates of the jail, saved their food and drinks. This is what we call the last supper.

b. It’s that movie which stars Hugh Grant and that bitch of a woman. Hugh is just so adorable in it though! You must see it.

c. The dinner Joseph and Mary threw as a welcoming party in Bethlehem for the Three Wise Men without a caterer!!

d. Dinner?

14) What is your favorite color?

a. #CC1000
b. #FFF109
c. #C10C00
d. #F90C20

15) What do you do when you’ve been driving around for hours and get lost in a strange city?

a. Stop and ask for directions.
b. Take actual readings of your location with respect to longitude and latitude based on the stars. c. Keep insisting that your fine, and on the right track.
d. Enjoy the city you are in!!

16) “Down Stay” is most commonly used in reference to –

a. Something to do with football?
b. Dogs. It’s a command to keep dogs stationary for long periods of time.
c. Hitler stood in the balcony of the tallest tower in Germany and looked upon his people, and uttered these words for the first time. They later came to be included in the country s national anthem.
d. Francoise Martin was working in the laboratory one morning. In fact, this was the day he was to discover sapionism, and re write the history of mankind. The combination he had was bubbling furiously and threatened to flow out of the burette. Martin uttered these words with a huff and puff as a final measure. And it worked!!

17)When is it the best time to throw away your underwear?

a. Elastic gets loose.
b. Throw? But why!!
c. Every two weeks and ten days.
d. *slap*

18) How many friends do you have on Orkut?

a. 500
b. 104
c. One, ha.
d. None. Whatever.

19) You have two friends A and B. Suddenly, A likes B and after a while B likes A back. When A is upset, he calls you up and asks for advice, but your call keeps getting interrupted because your friend B is on the other line. So you have to alternate between them, trying to solve things. The situation really starts to get on your nerves after a point of time. What do you do?

a. Introduce friend A to friend C and friend B to friend D.
b. Change your phone number.
c. Put them on conference, without them knowing and ensaai.
d. Kill both of them.

20) Your sweetie is-

a. My better half.
b. My better half.
c. My ball and chain.
d. He's half.

Quickly, totally up all those A's, B's, C's and D's.

More A’s – Hmmm. Interesting. The Sahara really was not always a desert. Multiply the number of b's you have with 103, the two most significant numbers indicate your luckiest day of every month. The person in your life is very lucky for you. If you think you want the person to stay in your life forever, take a picture of the Last Supper and super impose it with a picture of the Three Wise Men. Now, host a dinner party, without caterer s and give each person who comes, this superimposed photo as a give away. Also, stick to unflavored condoms and do not buy yourself or your dearest a dog. Keep away from them!

More B’s- Aha. So you're the more-b's type, eh? Let's see... Every few days you might feel like your surrounded by negative vibes, bad air and all that- cut down your potato in take. Also, mow your neighbor s lawn twice a week, kiss their (or any) dog, three times a day for the next one month and get your head shaved in a random style. If the farts still don't stop, go to a doc damnit. To improve your love life, paint your toe nails neon green if your a girl, and if you're a guy do the same and otherwise also, do the same. You might not want to venture into anything that is flavored. In fact, glow in the darks are the best option!

More C's- Stay away from dogs. They hate you. They even have a community on Orkut, beware of them. If you don't really want to live with this for the rest of your life, put a pot on the fire and add the following-

Three strands of genital hair.
3.5/4 cup of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.
2.115/6 cup of your best wine.
A fist full of the apogaiali, picked by you at the foot of the Himalayas.
Your neighbor s underwear- One piece.

Stir till broth comes to a boil. Now take two spoons of this and drink it.

The dogs will love you! You don't seem to have a problem with your love life. Just don't forget, that the minute you start doing in this real world, dropping your clothes off the minute you see a girl is really a turn-on. However, she'll only do everything you say if you have more than 100,000 scraps and at least 554.3 friends on Orkut.

D's, like da- D's are good. Only they symbolise you have a tendency of putting on weight very easily. To avoid this eat a lettuce leaf and the peel of an apple for lunch, three days a week. Streak your hair with the colors of the rainbow and don't wash them for at least a month at a stretch. This will help make your personality more colorful. If you're a guy, start wearing suspenders, they help in the control your lacking on yourself. If you're a female, yoga and meditation are good options. And to ensure that you find the love of your life, don't participate in any type of sexual activity on Mondays and Fridays between 9:01 PM to 10:53 PM. If you can do it and get yourself into a herbal bath by 10:57 PM, your increasing your chances by more than 50%.

Glad to be of help,

All my love.

Thanks to the silence around me, I can hear the voices in my head again! Yay! It's great to have them back. Only, that sometimes it isn't.

I've always admonished people, for doing things out of only duty. Even my parents, at times. I hate, really really hate - even more than brinjals, if you may - when people say they're doing things 'cuz it's their duty. Parents go to office everyday to keep food on the table, not for satisfaction. Sometimes they even love, only because it's their duty to, not because they do love you.

It's really one of my greatest fears. And is, I think the biggest force that holds me back. Duty. Doing things out of a sense of duty. Point is, these voices in my head have finally cleaned my ears of all the wax and cobwebs that there were and MADE me face the fact that the very thing in life that I'd decided was needed to make life worthwhile was, in fact, what I was keeping away from.

I am not quite doing anything out of duty, presently. But then, I'm also not quite doing anything, at all. And that's the sad part. For all the times I've barked, literally, at people and made them gather their wits about them and get on with life, I really am just not doing anything. Not now, at least.

Holding me back was also coming so close in contact with death. Death, up until now had been something that happened to people you didn't know. What happens after it? One option, like some wise person said would be you stealing my identity, robbing me off all my money and running a drug ring from my house. Another one would have to be - nothing. You just turn into dust. Yet another would be- just existing. I could go on - point is : It all happens in a matter of seconds. All of the stuff you've done, lived for, feel for - all gone. Just like that. And then, what?

It's an abstract state of mind. I don't know how to explain it without sounding crazier than I am.

Blah.

But then I think to myself, we'll deal with it when it comes. Why worry about something you have no idea about? And can't have an idea about? Sure, it's scary. But on some level, even that's good. Helps keep your feet on the ground.

What it is that I think really determines if your living or just existing?
It's the simple zing you feel zip through you. If doing something, being with someone doesn't give you that zing, then you really aren't doing what you want to. Your doing that duty thing again. And hence, wasting life.

The voices in my head are also telling me that if a person comments on this post at least twice he/she will get a call from the person they've been secretly crushing on. And that it's time for me to go feed ourselves with chocolate ice cream.

Nuff said.

Yours forever sthupitly.

It feels kinda bad to be wanting to write about something good and happy, after the morning I had yesterday. But then, it's official without any trace of doubt, that I'm crazy. Ha.

Yesterday was one roller coaster ride. Spent the morning crying and feeling terrible, and hopeful, and the evening, listening to Jagjit Singh. Live in concert. For the first time. Lucky biatch, eh? That's me for you.

3 hours with the maestro. I haven't been this happy in eons!! The man is so bleddy good, the words, the music... everything. It all makes so much sense. And yet, at times it doesn't.

I remember, there was a time when dad didn't believe I understood what they were about. I was "too young". After a hard day, he'd lie down flat on the carpet in the hall and listen to Woh Kagaaz ki kashti, and I'd do just the same. Little did he know, that it did make sense to his lil girl, always did and always will.

There's some real sad ones, some real happy ones and some awesomely romantic ones. It's amazing how a few lines, put together in the right order, can suddenly be the best way to describe your life.

He did his signature ghazals.... Hoshwalon ko khabar kya,Tera chehra, Tum ko dekha tto yeh khayal aaya, Ahista Ahista and I could go on and on and on.

Rang bhi dekha, roop bhi dekha,
rasta, manjil, sahil, mahfil, koi nahi hai aisa,
tera saath hai aisa,
Meri akho ne chuna hai tujhko duniya dekh kar,
Meri akho ne chuna hai tujhko duniya dekh kar....

Has to be the bestest of my discoveries last evening. All in all, I was happy. It's kinda sad admitting it, but I was happy after a long long time. Guess music does that to you. Ghazals do that to me.

I hardly ever admit it... that I'm scared. That I'm hurt. That it pains. There's too many people depending on me, or so I let myself believe and I care too much. There's alot of times when I've almost given up and wanted to believe that it really won't ever be all right again, that there really aren't any happy endings and that love is just and abstract noun.

It's also real hard to believe that I'm so blessed. And I don't know what I've done to deserve any of it. I know I haven't, and I guess that's what makes me want to reach out to people, do some good. Make a difference. Justify all this. I dunno how many people realise it, but I do, with every turn life takes, that I'm doubly blessed. And believe you me, some of the stuff that "hurts" seems real trivial when compared to the stuff other people are subjected to for a large part of their lives. I guess, it makes me in different on one level... But, I dunno.

And it scares the shit out of me. Wondering if such stuff happened to me, what I'd do. If I'm strong enough to deal with it. If.... Ugh. The only place I like if is when it's linked to Rudyard Kipling.

Anyway, things are almost right on this side of the world. All thanks to an awesome evening. Mwah. I could kiss the damn computer screen. Oh and the template change, is to mark the begining of a new season of hope. And promises. And... well, me. And you.

I don't believe this. I feel like those bubbles of champagne. It tickles.

Lotsaluv,

Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S: If I didn't make any sense back there, you can sleep peacefully, knowing that I'm back to normal.

P.P.S: If I did make sense back there, well, God help you.

Sometimes, you hear something or read something, and everything just fits into place. It's like... it was always there, somewhere at the back of your head, and wham one day, it comes up front and blinks like a neon sign, you couldn't NOT notice. At times it's nice stuff... a happy memory, a sthupit song, an old friend.. anything and at others it's.. just stuff, I guess.

I walked far enough to make you sit still. And just like that, in one sentence, this person had managed to describe the last two years of my life. Just like that. And true it is, to the full stop. I hate absolutely hate people who walk out, don't keep promises... and I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. I haven't so far. Anyway, back to the point. There are two reasons for me not wanting to do that to anyone.

One, the noble crap. Friends forever, will be there for you always and the likes. I see too much. And the fact that it would hurt the other person, no matter how small a part of my life he/she is, is enough to stop me. There's enough suffering in this world, without me adding to it :)

The other being, just to show the person up. Clicking two. And how true it is. Often I'd wonder why I was being so stubborn. What exactly were my reasons? What was making me stay put? Me being me just wouldn't accept it to be ONLY 'cuz it was what friends/girl friends/sisters/blah did... it kept nagging me.

Another thing that bothered me was when suddenly for certain reasons parts of who I was, why I was and why I am what I am came back. Okie that didn't make sense. It's just that sometimes (again) in other people s lives you find a part of your past. And because you don't want the other person to have it as terribly as you did, you start looking for reasons, explainations, theories and answers so that you can help. That's what I did. I tried.

Until the other day, when it all started making sense. It always did make sense, but now it was concrete. Definite. Being as human as we are, we have a lot to feel guilty for. And that makes us seek out pain. Pain, sacrifice, suffering helps us find peace. Salvation.

It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. That's why I'm telling you: dont' get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerfull drug. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. or cowardice. however much we may reject it, we huma beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.

True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God. Don't let's think about that now, all you need to know is that what make the world go around is not the search for pleasure but the renuniciation of all that is important.

Does the soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No. He goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show he husband she's happy? No. She wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does a working man go to work every morning to achieve satisfcation? No. He does it to sweat his butt off so that he can keep his family. And so it goes on, sons give up their dreams to please parents, parents give up their lives in order to plese their childrean, pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:love.

And I dunno where I'm going with this, except that, I just needed to say all this aloud. At least in my head. If you enjoy being miserable, then stop and start looking at what exactly you are doing to yourself.

Sure, you've made mistakes, big ones and small ones, sometimes they ruin lives, sometimes they ruin your life, they hurt the people you love most, but it isn't the end of the world. Forgive yourself, and make it up, not by suffering, but by loving. Yourself, the people around you, and your life.

And no matter what you do, don't do it to prove anything to anyone, do it cuz you know in your heart, that it's the right thing to do. Actually, scratch that. I'm not too sure it works. What I am sure is, that suffering is not the solution. It's temporary peace, that will lead to insanity. And cuz it's not only the tough way out, it's also the only way out.

Lotsaluv,
Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S : Project work is over, nonsense teacher didn't even look at it. Apparently, I'd said I'd done it, and that was enough. Work on the behalf of 4 people, work that was meant to be done for the entire sem, I did, alone, in 4 days. Anyway, that's me being made a fool of again, for being "sincere".

P.P.S: Yes, I'm totally, completely insane. It's been verified, attested and hence confirmed.

For a while, a while that goes back to the time I wrote my first post on this blog or maybe even to a time before that, I’ve wondered about who decides what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s moral and what is not. This semester, I’m studying a subject called Professional Ethics. It’s amazing to learn that there are various theories that can make one action seem right and wrong. Each of us has something called perception, which is formed on the basis of the community we live in, or exposure to the world, the people around us and what we see, hear and feel from experiences that may be ours or of people around us. The theories, sort of narrow down the number of ways to look at one situation.

Anyway, today, having accidentally attended a class on Ethics, I found my answer. The professor who handles this subject for me actually, is good, but is not the right thing. One needs a really really good prof to handle theoretical subjects… specially ones this based on psychology and society… You know what I mean? Anyway, today s class was taking by a different teacher. And while he spoke, I realized that such stuff IS vague. You only make it more definite when a group of people agree on the basic facts.

The reason why I was thinking about morality and stuff, on this occasion, was because I came across an interesting discussion called ‘The veil debate’. Interesting, because while we talk about a free world and individualism and human rights, we still bind ourselves to rules and conventions and society. I’m not saying its wrong, in fact it’s natural.

We call conventions and vague rules, tradition, in this country. We follow one set of rules for the male sex and another for the female sex. Hell we go even further to divide ourselves based on caste. Regions, even.

I haven’t read the Kuran, so I can’t really comment on whether muslims should adopt the veil or not. What shocked me were some comments made on the sets of the show by a group of well educated people. Girls who wear the burkha (veil) are less prone to getting raped than those who don’t; it’s about removing temptation; it’s about being dresses modestly and so on and so forth.

Do people really think this way these days? I face some amount of problem while I travel by bus, so does that mean I’m in some way inviting this attention by being a girl? Recently, when I said ‘men can be such dogs at times’ a friend very succinctly replied ‘hmmm… it’s because females make us act like that’, I was dumb founded. Was I dressed indecently? Is that why this was happening?

It’s exactly questions and reactions like these that make this society sick. Why don’t you make men roam around blind folded to remove temptation? Who are you to decide whether I’m modestly dressed or not? If I’m covered from head to toe, aren’t I actually increasing the temptation to find out what’s under? Wasn’t it… ‘more is less’?

What is ‘modest’? Who is going to define it for me with the guarantee that I won’t get raped if I live by it?

I’ve come to realize that this whole ‘choice’ thing is nonsense. It doesn’t even really exist. Because of the world we live in today, even things like what you wear, are decided the minute your born, depending on which sex you belong to and which part of the world you’ve been (un)fortunate enough to be born in.

I think I've got a writing block. Or a blabber block. Whatever you want to call it. And since a little time before my surgery to uptil now, i've been posting really senti stuff. Ugh. I'm so sawry guys!!

You know, people do such crazy stuff to first get into a relationship, then so much crazy stuff when they are in it, and then more crazy stuff when they're out of it. No wonder, this world is a crazy place. But seriously, even though, it was just a passing thought I had, I think it's chrue.

You're going to find yourself travelling around the world in the span of time it takes you to reach the last word on this page, considering you read all of it, so fasten your seat belts and get lots of tissue. Oh cry you will. In agony.

You mustave gotten one of those five forwards that've been over the internet since it was born.. those 26 things a perfect guy would do, what girls like, what guys like... blah blah blah.. you get what I mean. The funny thing is, they are chrue to alot of extent.

For example, when I say "k." It means, get the fuck out of here before I hit you for hurting me. When I say "sure, that's okay" it means I hate what your doing to me, but then, I shouldn't have expected otherwise.

The thing is, when someone else says it, it might mean something else, because they are a person in their own rights. And instead of asking your friends what the hell something means, you should ask the person. That's the problem when you start paying too much attention to the "stereotypes" that exist. And exist they do. Personally, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of "candy and flowers", when the flowers are red roses. I hate them. It's too common.

I mean sure, if they were my favorite flowers, and that would happen only if the guy had bothered enough to find out, or actually listen to our converstaions. That's when the make some difference to me. When they mean something.

The same goes for, hearing and listening and talking. Some very very wise person once said, don't marry a person you can't sit with through a 6 hour flight. At the bery least. It takes alot to get me to talk, in person. And when I do, if the only thing I'm going to get in the end, is a view of your bery tasty back side walking out on me, I'd stop with a "k.".

There's alot of examples I can come up with... I hear and see people all around me. Been there and done that. So, I know.

Anyway point I was getting to, yes there was a point, is that it's more appreciated it if you're you. It's what I tell my sis, my friends, my family, everyone... be who you are, no matter whether your the girl or the guy. Don't pretend to like something when you don't, and even if you are doing something just so that you can make the other person smile, give it a fair shot... chances are that you'll end up enjoying it too.

I don't mean to sound cliche` and I don't mean to sound any more grandmotherly, than I am, but seriously... until you can love yourself, and not feel ashamed of your choices or your preferences or anything about your life, you can't love someone else. Be it a friend, a boy friend or anybody else.

Umm... that's about all that was on my mind. Ahem. Lol... will post soon. Lotsaluv and hugs,

Yours forever sthupitly.

Today has been a much needed "rest day". You know, the healthy kind? Hey! Everyone needs a break now and then. And I have so much coming up, I just had to take this small break before charging ahead :)

So, got up late. Read a book. One of those cute romantic ones. Munched on the goodies ma got with her from Delhi last night. You have got to go to Wenger's in Delhi and have their marshmellows, patties, tikkas, pasteries, toffees.. well EVERYTHING. Until you do that, you haven't lived. Sigh. It's all over now, though.

Got out of bed at 1:00ish to catch a movie. Watched Alot Like Love. Finally. It's too good. A must watch. And currently on the top on my most fav list. They play music by Greenday too. It's about... well, go watch it. I don't want to spoil it.

Today was great because my friends finally came to the realisation that being "cool" wasn't everything. I mean everyone is "cool" in their own ways. Dressing well and speaking in English don't make you cool, and others uncool. I hate the word, itself. Like there weren't enough standards one is willing to live up to just so that they can be accepted. Worst part is.. I thought people out grow this in High School. People should. It hurts enough people then.

That's what I told myself when I was half way through 9th grade. What was the point of trying to please a few people, who thought of themselves as popular? I mean, I have nothing to be ashamed of... If I believe in something, I do. I don't need you to tell me if its right or wrong or that I shouldn't believe in it. People still come up to me and tell me that there are these small things that I stand by. Don't give and inch for.

Looking down on people. That's one thing I just cannot take. I aint the Queen of England. So what gives me the right to look down this small nose of mine? Nothing. And you aren't the Queen either. So, you don't have the right to too.

And what's more is.. that it is too much of an effort. Too much trouble. Some people are cool because they can wear flowers in their hair to college, some are cool because they walk around barefoot, some are cool because they don't give a damn about all this and study... others because they don't know english and still make and effort to converse with me... Some because they are from villages and know what really matters in life, others because they live in the fast lane... But the coolest people are those who don't use the damn word!!

Plus, I've joined this orkut thing. It's kinda fun... well I had fun writing my profile. I have 2 kids, I smoke and drink, and I'm studying. I've piereced my navel and you can find everything in my room... evrything from screw drivers to dirty socks.. No condoms, though. My seniors at college, are going to scream scandal. hahahaha... :)

Also, I am back on track. As most of you can see. I'm blabbering. Talking hokum... for some reason I really like that word. Basically, it was another day well spent. Today I can stand in front of my mirror, at the end of the day and say... oh damn! Is that a pimple??

I won't ever see her again. I won't ever sit with her and hear her talk of her dreams for me. I won't ever hear her chant hymns in the morning... or talk fondly of her memories of my childhood. I won't ever get to eat her parathas...

I used to complain of her over protectiveness. I used to smile and reassure her, everytime she got worried 'cuz I hadn't gotten home on time.

And now she's going to be gone. I loved having my grandma at home. She kept my dad in check :) We'd all indulgently listen to her relate the same incident a million times.

But, I've seen the way her eyes used to light up everytime the phone rang. I've heard the hope in her voice everytime she wanted to know who'd been on the phone. And then, I'd seen the light fade away... when she realised it wasn't for her. It wasn't one of her children calling to talk to her... to ask for her. About her. It happened all the time.

And then for some insane reason my grandparents decided my parents had done their duty, and it was another childs turn to take care of them. Duty, my ass. The only reason they were with us was because we all loved having them around. It so turns out, not everyone thinks this way.

I have never seen, I could never imagine... my parents becoming a burden. I could never imagine throwing them away in one corner of the house, because they were becoming a nuisance. It shames me and angers me. How can you do such a thing?

They're your parents for heavensake. Tomorrow, you're going to be in the same position. And don't give me that bull about "I'm never going to be a burden on my kids." Nobody wants to be a burden. They don't do it and love every minute of it. It's the worst feeling in the world... feeling helpless. And instead of helping them through dealing with this new feeling.. you crib.

How can you crib about having to do something for them? Is that what they did when you kept them up with your howling when you were 2 months old? Is that what they did when you thought you'd seen a monster in your cupboard? When you'd hurt yourself.. when you were down with fever... broken a leg.. had a broken heart? Is that what they did??

They bought you everything you ever needed... and you thanked them by never saying "thank you". They provided you with the best education... and you thanked them by leaving home. They bought you your first car, and you thanked them by driving it drunk. They bought you and your wife a new home and you thanked them by kicking them out. They baby-sat your kids and you thanked them by yelling and shouting at them.

Well, I have news for you mister. They didn't do all this and more because it was their DUTY. They did it because they loved you. And all you can do for them, is... You know, I'd rather you did nothing, than do stuff grudgingly. I'd rather you never told them how much you loved them, than keep reminding them of how much you were giving up, just for their sake.

How can you crib, when no matter what you do or say, they'll always wish the best for you... They're going to be gone one day... they're going to be gone for good. And their last thoughts would only be of regret for not having done better by you. Of having failed you somewhere.

Old age is called second childhood. Please don't give me that pathetic line.. that "old people are a burden". Yes, I've seen the nasty versions of old people too. Learn to forgive. Learn patience. But please don't ill treat your own parents. Don't treat them well, because it's your duty. Treat them well, and with respect, because you love them. I'm not preaching Kaushik. I'm begging.

And what's the best part?... they won't think wrong of YOU. They'll think they've gone wrong somewhere... can you live with that for the rest of your life?