Yes, another template change. That one was WAY too colorful and "flowery" for my tastes. Plus I think it's high time I stopped trying to "cheer things up" and accept what everyone is accepting. Sad part is that even as I say it, I don't want to give up or give in or both. I want to do it right. Get it done. Close doors to the past. Embrace the future. Fly on a cloud.

"Our lives begin to end the day we start keeping silent about things that matter."

Does it really? Begin to end that day? What about the day, when you've bled yourself dry TELLING people about things that really matter, and STILL see no sign of acknowledgement or change?

When do parents stop listening? When do they start filtering so that they hear just what they like? When even laying things down like they are, crying your heart out in front of them bring out no

I've cried.

I've yelled.

I've put into words everything YOU were supposed to have seen for yourself. That you should have gathered by reading between the lines. That you should have heard, when I was trying to talk. I made it easier for you, I spelt it out. Not once, not twice, not a hundred- but at least ten times.

And still you continue to ignore the fact that there IS something wrong. I know, that there is. I even know WHAT it is. But somehow, you seem to think that it's all a figment of my over active imagination- even after you've seen the pain written on my face.

You haven't even TRIED to change your ways. You haven't tried to lessen the burden that I carry. You haven't started talking more, snipping less. You haven't started sharing more, complaining less. You haven't started letting me live more, letting yourself live more.

Every self derogatory remark you've passed- I've considered my responsibility. I've even made it my business to see that you don't have to ever repeat it. What about the ones I've made about myself? What have you done with those?

I've had to sit and write letters to you, so that you could KNOW what I really had to say. WHY I was doing what I was doing. WHY I wasn't doing what I wasn't doing. HOW I realized what I wanted to do.

At first I thought it was all in my head. That reading too many books, had imprinted on my mind what "happily ever after" would look like. But as I've grown, I've realized that everyone has their own versions of "happily ever after". There are no definite s. And hence, when you never asked what I wanted from life, when you never asked why I wanted what I did want; what made me choose one value over another; what made me choose the design for the kitchen I wanted in my dream house- I figured it was okay. I wondered. I hoped that you would ask, yes. But I also made excuses for you.

The other day, when my aunt asked me what my house would look like, when she actually listened to it, and told me that I would not only have all of that, but more, something in me died. Another part of me died.

And still, instead of blaming you, or cursing you, I sit here hating myself for even actually putting all of this down on paper, even as I do. With every word that I type, I'm making excuses for you. Justifying your actions. Telling myself, that you are just different parents. Everyone is different.

Should I be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, have been doing that for the better part of my life?

I don't know what an achievement feels like. I don't know what a million other feelings, that I should have felt by now, feel like. I know what they are SUPPOSED to feel like, but I haven't felt them.

Don't get me wrong. I've felt happiness, yes. But not at the usual you-bought-me-an-ipod for my birthday happiness, as you would expect a normal child to feel. I've felt happy on the odd day that you both have spoken to each other. I've felt happy and safe on the odd day that I've walked into your room in the morning, to see you two snuggled up together. On the odd occasion that I've seen you poke fun at each other.

Do you see where all this is wrong? Do you see a twenty year old anywhere in all of this? No, I didn't think so.

I'm NOT supposed to ACCOMODATE your feelings, YOU are supposed to accomodate MINE. I'm NOT supposed to be watching my words, YOU are supposed to be watching yours- to protect me. You are supposed to be protecting me from getting hurt, instead of the other way.

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It seems important to get all of this down on paper once and for all- because unless I'm using my hands to key in what the voices in my head are saying, I'm suffocating. I've tried. I've tried a million times to be fair to you- and not give words to what these voices are saying- because it would seem almost like I'm disrespecting you, or what you stand for. I'm not.

But if you really are the roles that you have been given to play, then you will understand why this was necessary. I love you. I just wish I didn't have to act grown up all the time.

You know how when you're walking down the road, and you find a lone slipper/ shoe lying on the side, and you smile that small smile and shake your head wondering how the hell it ever got there? Yeah, well, now I know.

The wonderment is less when you find one in the center of the street, because then it's probably because it fell off someone's foot while they were on a bike or something. And if it's on the side and is accompanied with utensils or clothes, you figure it was probably a part of a get- the- hell- out- of- my- house tantrum. But when it's just sitting there all alone- you're flummoxed.

I won't be anymore.

Mothers ARE a whole different breed. And mine belongs to a whole other different breed. Because not only is she the whole sacrificing, peace making body in the house, great cook, dedicated employee, brilliant teacher, can shout at levels that match my sisters' and more- she happens to be the reason for my enlightenment. For de- flummoxing me. For seeing to it that I shall never be flummoxed by a lone slipper on the road side ever again.

Best part is, it was done so carefully, that I hadn't a hint about what was coming.

It all started when ma needed to get down from the car, and couldn't find anything to go onto her other foot. She tried feeling around for the chappal in the darkness- it had to be somewhere in the car after all- but didn't have much luck. Leading to an extensive search of the car, which also turned out to be in vain. The suggestion that it could have been left at the last stop was met with general laughter and we searched with lesser enthusiasm this time round. Because while inane under normal circumstances, the scenario that had been put forth looked more and more probable. How could we find something that wasn't even there?

And just to make sure that we'd left no stone unturned in our search for the lost chappal, we went back to the possible scene of action. And there it was lying just where we'd parked before, looking all lost. That was IT- when it found the first beam of the car's light- that was when the light dawned on me too. When the blinders were removed. When I realized.

So bothered about not smashing the eggs in her hands, she had been- that while getting into the car (for reasons she refuses to make public) she'd taken off her chappals (again, for reasons she refuses to make public) so that exactly one of them had landed outside the car. Carefully placed the eggs in her lap. Closed the door. *And off we'd driven into the sun set*

That's one of life's so far unanswered questions- well, answered.

May the light always be with you. All my love.

Jeremiah the bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
Never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
Yes he always had some mighty fine wine

Hello children.

Yes, another template change. And this time it wasn't because I was restless, and the previous one just didn't seem to "fit". This time it was because I was fiddling with some stuff, and lost my customzied template. AND I didn't have a back up on this system. AND the one I did have, kept doing weird stuff.

So, I spent the entire day finding something that DID "fit". Be nice.

Have you watched the new Airtel advert yet?!! It's brilliant. It's bleddy brilliant. And it teaches a valuable lesson- parents need to take time out for their children. No matter the demands of your job, no matter the pressures of "real life". THIS, now, is what you've wanted all your life. THIS, now, is THE DREAM. You're living it. And if you don't realize that you are, and enjoy it, you're just going to be one of those old people who'll have more to regret than be happy about.

In fact, that philosophy holds true for everything. It's just more important when it comes to children. Because, you're affecting more lives than one. You're not only robbing yourself, you're robbing the bundle of joy you prayed for; you live for.

And while the wine he has is absolutely fine, I'm not drunk. And yet, I feel high. Which is surprising considering I've spent the entire weekend moping, for some unknown reason. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts. Don't worry, be happy.

All my love.