Everyone seems to be on the lookout for something. That "something", in almost ALL of these cases is almost always happiness. Spell it whichever way. With a 'y' or an 'i'. If it's not happiness that is on the list, then there's things that you think will bring you happiness.

But I don't get why people are searching for it. Being it is possibly the simplest thing ever. Being it, not getting it. If happiness (y or i) were something you could get, it would by default mean, that it were also something you could lose. When you "get" it, you entity-fy it. It's a thing now. No longer a feeling, an abstract noun. Which is not what happiness (y or i) (from now on, every time you read happiness, read the "y or i" with it, until you are told to not do so) is.

Say, it is an entity- that will go on to mean that you get it from some place or some person and you lose it to some person or at some place. Two people/ things participate in this relationship, thus establishing a dependency. This dualism, is in my opinion, why there's very few people who ARE actually happy.

I'm no saint. I haven't given up materialistic things. I still derive joy from small things. But this fleeting feeling of pleasure or pain is not what I refer to as happiness. Happiness is a sense of being, to me. It is something that I am. It isn't something that I'm looking for from another person. It isn't something that depends on whether it rains today or not. Or on whether or not I receive an unexpected call. It is something that runs in my blood. So much so that, it makes me feel lighter. A bigger person. At peace. Free of entrapment.

I'm probably making little sense, as usual. But I'll take an example.

Most people of my generation, have already been through a multitude of love- relationships by the time they get to my age. I've been through one. It lasted a couple of months only for a varied number of reasons. Point was, for the first time in my life I was head over heals in love- butterflies-in-the-stomach, when-you're-holding-me-you-drown-out-the-crowd, smile-stuck-on-face-love.. When it came to an end, for a lot of time, there was no emotion. Which gave way to a total loss of self. Which in turn faded into this gut wrenching pain that just refused to go away.

What I kept questioning was how come I was suffering so much when "being in love" is supposed to be one of the best things people ever experience. How come I'd given up smiling, let alone living. Introspection lead to the realization that for some reason I had been denying the fact that I was/ had been in love. I'd been trying to convince myself that it had just been something I'd had to go through. Blocking thoughts. That the guy in concern, was just somebody. I'd get over him. It.

Question was/is, how do you get over something you won't even acknowledge? Enlightenment didn't come to me under no tree. But come it did. I was in love. Where was I going denying it? Loving someone did not entail being loved in return. Loving someone did not entail well, anything. Loving someone, was just, loving someone. Being in love.

When it had to go, it would go. If it wasn't meant to go, then it wouldn't. With him, I've known what are the best days of my life, so far. I've actually gotten "love letters". I've smiled and still do at the barest thought of this person. I've gotten up with the biggest of smiles on my face for weeks. I've felt the tingle, the butterflies. I felt gorgeous every time he called me that. It's been three years, and I still feel the same when I think of him.

It's all still there. So deep rooted, that there IS no point trying to deny it. When I give myself up to these pleasures, these feelings, I am free. I am no longer bound with the need to reject, get over, cry or worry. I am no longer bound. I just am.

Being in love is just who I am now. It's not something I can surgically remove. It's not a thing. It's not an entity. It's just me.

I understand that maybe this wasn't "it". He wasn't "the one". I understand that there will be better times. But until then, why deny myself? Why try to go against what I'm feeling? Why question? Why judge. Why not "just be"? This isn't an exam I have to work for!!

Which brings me to the point of putting you through these excruciating details- just like love, happiness just is. You are happiness. However, you won't realize it, feel it, experience it until you've shaken off the chains that bind you. The conditions you've set. The dualism you bring in only strengthens the mental prison.

Happiness in knowledge. It's knowing yourself. Like when you fall in love- the other person doesn't complete you in the way you think he or she does. You weren't "half" before they came along. You just didn't know alot about the person you are. Being with this person lets you get in touch with you. Be more of you. THAT is the completeness you feel.

Happiness is when you stop looking for "it" in things or people. It's something that you carry in yourself. A state of being you will achieve, only when you know yourself. A place in which things happen because they happen. Nothing you can do or could have done can change things. The outcome of an event has no bearing on you. It's a state of innocence that is free of the "I".

It's a sense of celebration that comes from the freedom of being you!

Simple.

Jeremiah the bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
Never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
Yes he always had some mighty fine wine

Hello children.

Yes, another template change. And this time it wasn't because I was restless, and the previous one just didn't seem to "fit". This time it was because I was fiddling with some stuff, and lost my customzied template. AND I didn't have a back up on this system. AND the one I did have, kept doing weird stuff.

So, I spent the entire day finding something that DID "fit". Be nice.

Have you watched the new Airtel advert yet?!! It's brilliant. It's bleddy brilliant. And it teaches a valuable lesson- parents need to take time out for their children. No matter the demands of your job, no matter the pressures of "real life". THIS, now, is what you've wanted all your life. THIS, now, is THE DREAM. You're living it. And if you don't realize that you are, and enjoy it, you're just going to be one of those old people who'll have more to regret than be happy about.

In fact, that philosophy holds true for everything. It's just more important when it comes to children. Because, you're affecting more lives than one. You're not only robbing yourself, you're robbing the bundle of joy you prayed for; you live for.

And while the wine he has is absolutely fine, I'm not drunk. And yet, I feel high. Which is surprising considering I've spent the entire weekend moping, for some unknown reason. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts. Don't worry, be happy.

All my love.

At first this post was supposed to be about how amazed, in a good way, I was on hearing/ seeing that the award for the NDTV Indian of The Year 2007 was given to- the Indian soldier. But then, Taare Zameen Par happened.

I had taken a solemn vow to not watch the movie- considering how almost everyone who has seen it has sobbed his/ her eyes out after watching it. I wouldn’t watch it, I wouldn’t watch it. I wouldn’t. Na- uh. Didn’t need to go to a theatre to find something to cry about now, did I? Sigh.

But I did. I did watch it. Not in a theatre, but at home. If that helps with what you think of the strength of my will power. It’s super. Considering that I keep away from reviews until I’ve seen the movie, I had absolutely no idea what it was about. All I knew was that it made people cry. Hell it made Advani cry. There was a whole 200 word write up on that on the 3rd page, no less, of every national daily.

I had this extremely disturbing talk with a cousin of mine the other day. He wanted to send his 9 year old (or less) daughter to a boarding school so that she could be given the opportunity to hone the skills he knows she has. So that she’d be trained to face competition. A 9 year old.

Children are little. They're, for the lack of another word, precious. What they need is not to be taught about the whos and the whys and the wheres- they need color, exploration, stories. They have imagination that needs to be nutured. They have courage that needs to be given an outlet.

There'll be enough time later on for them to learn how to face the "world". Hell, they wouldn't require this so called training- because they'd have what was most important- your belief, your support, your love. And they'd have the security of having had the oppurtunity of being a child. Of having had the oppurtunity to explore. What, if not the courage to take risks and knowing what you do best, do you need to find success?

I totally support the need for all round development- I, myself, was fortunate enough to have been a part of not one school, but three schools, all of which believed in this very thing and hence, while academia was stressed on, so was what was put under “extra curricular”. I’ve also had the fortune of being blessed with parents, to whom I didn’t have to mutter a “I’m sorry” after I’d not won a competition.

But that's not what the movie is about. Or what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, that I had the fortune of coming across teachers, mentors, who saw beneath the surface. And sometimes, even when they didn't understand what they saw or couldn't really see- only knew that there was something underneath that was being kept hidden: they always showed faith in me. Believed in me. This movie is about exactly that.

The movie is about not blindly believing in what we see, but about trying to see and find out what lies behind- about questioning. About being convinced that the sun really doesn’t just go to bed while the moon takes on the night shift. It’s also about reading between the lines. Understanding silences. Finding the problem and tackling it, instead of just trying to eradicate the symptoms.

It’s about not telling your child what is what, but letting him find out what is well, what. About letting them find out what they’re meant to do, and giving them the courage to pursue those dreams. About giving them belief to pursue those dreams. And no, THESE things are not meant for only books and movies- I know of people who as teachers work on these principles, and I know of the results they’ve achieved.

It’s about not bearing a child down with chains.

It’s not something that will make you angry. It’s not something that will give you nightmares. It will make you sad. Or at least not for me. Because, it was an embodiment of all my beliefs. Of my dreams.

So, I can go to sleep knowing, that come one morning- I’m going to have the power and the resources to do the work I want to do. To be the change I want to see in the world.

What about you?
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'Funny that I should watch this movie, after my previous post. All things said and done, please please please DO watch the movie.

Oh and also- PAINT. No matter what you make, even if you're just splashing about with it- it's good for the soul. Either that or washing clothes. It's your choice!!


All my love.

I love family. Nothing is more important to me than family. Blame it on my sun sign, if you must, but it's the way it is.

But, sometimes, it's this very family that holds you back. That keeps you from even trying to realize the image you have of yourself. And I hate that!!

From something as small as, or as big as, depending on where you're standing, say falling in love- you train yourself to think in a particular way, react to and keep away from things that would lead to it because you know it would be frowned upon. So what happens to the image you have of yourself that shows you allowing yourself to experience what you've only read about or seen?

Forget love. What about something as simple as this- you've read/ seen a million things. Say one of them showed someone at a signal and a drunk lying by the side of your car. Everyone s looking at him, pitying him, and turning their faces. You resolve that if you were to ever come across something like this, you'd get out and at the very least move the guy away from the center of the road. If you're with friends, and you really DO come across something like this there's more than a slight possibility that you might be the person you've painted yourself as, but when you're with family- it's a strict no no.

How come people are scared of telling this very family what they actually dream of? What they see themselves as? I'm not saying these parents are bad parents. Hell, no way. But it's just sad. Because families are NOT supposed to do that!!!

---------------------------

I'm paying my dues. We all have to, and so am I. I don't mind paying them, as long as I know that there's something better in store for me in the future.

I want so badly to be a part of something that isn't bothered about allocating a working day for a technical fest- not a cultural fest, a technical symposium.

I want so badly to be a part of something that doesn't have to be done by only the "guys" because they're oh-so-strong.

I want so badly to be a part of something that treats everyone as equals, that aims at doing big things, setting standards.

... That inspires me, makes me look for answers- I'm a lazy bum and I've never denied it- I need to have a question asked before I go looking for answers- that makes me question, that questions my intellect.

I just hope I was made for better things.

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I had to write- the voices were getting too much.

What lured me to this show was the fine print on the invitation that told guests cocktails and dinner would follow. I have a sweet tooth and a spicy tooth, need I say more?

I went prepared to be bored to death by some idiot trying to teach me the basics of banking and the share market or something equally dull. I say dull, because it was Monday evening after a long day at college: usually I love hearing/ reading about the stock market. What I got instead was 59 minutes of pure laughter.

Ash Chandler, is a name to reckon with. Don't be mislead by the weird name. I expected to find some wannabe, but got an impeccably dressed, voluble stranger, who had the ability to make me laugh. As for explaining whether his real name is Ash or not, he says in an exasperated tone. "It really is a true story. Though I wish I could say it is not! My parents met at a University in Minnesota. My dad's from Haryana, his name is Chander Sharma, which went on to become Chandler. I was born under the Ashwini star and hence the name Ash!"

He's a stand up comedian, passionate biker, absolutely fantabulous singer and a restaurateur who also does some minor roles as an actor. I, for one, hadn't heard of this guy till I saw him last evening- and that, I've realized has been my loss. For those of you who know Mumbai, the name Da Vinci's, should ring many bells.

I'd say he was a smaller version or Russell Peters, but that'd be kinda unfair. For he's milder. Or that's what I gathered. While the bases he covered- same old marriage, languages, parents, tantric sex- were common enough, his take on them was absolutely fresh and actually funny.

And he has a voice to die for. I could be biased cuz he sang all my favorites- Your Song by Elton, Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queens (he was as good as Koze!!), Sway by Michael Bubble and What a Wonderful world- the exact Louis Armstrong version. But from the crowd's reaction, my bias couldn't have played a major role.

59 minutes. Because it was less than an hour. Because the bank didn't want to pay for "an hour or more".

If he ever visits your town- don't miss him!!! After all- laugh, cuz tomorrow s only going to be worse.

All my love.

I'm picking up from where I left off in the last post. There's not much left to say, but whatever there is, needs to be said properly.

Sometimes "it" may not be something as stupid as losing a boyfriend or girlfriend or a crush or getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. At times it hurts real bad. And you try to hold on to it, because pain is the only emotion you can actually feel.

I've been down this path before, and I'm going down it again. So as to make my point clear.

As humans, we are very very inclined to actually enjoying the pain. More than we realize. It might sound sadistic but fact is- we're all guilty about something or the other. It could be having too much, or giving too little. Or having enough and still wanting more. Or anything in between too. Bottom line- we're guilty. The quantity makes the difference.

So, when the pain comes along- we enjoy it. When I say enjoy I don't mean you go out and party or... well, any of the things that you associate with the "happy" enjoying. What I mean when I say we enjoy it is that some where we believe we deserve it. It acts like a balm. It's a very neutral and numb feeling. And that's what makes it attractive.

Initially, it's best to just give in to it. Do the whole go- with- the- flow thing. Time, though, makes the pain pass. Or it's affect on you pass, at least. At this juncture- you can either think of ways to hold onto this state of numbness or let it go and embrace life and start living again.

This is when you need to go re- read my previous post- we all mess up. Sometimes things are just messed up. Sometimes things mess up real bad. But there is NOTHING, and I mean nothing that is so bad that it can't be corrected. No mistake that can't be forgiven.

Say, for example, at the very extreme, you killed someone. You're still alive aren't you? You're alive for a purpose- even if that purpose is to pay for your deeds and make things right. You could pay by crying about the fact that you did do what you did do or didn't do what you didn't do or get out there and do something about what you did do or didn't do that you shouldn't have done or should have done.

The key is to make the payment positive. And with that, I rest my case.

-Courtesy a Digital Signal Processing exam.

Emotions totally mess you up.

Even the happy kind. They make you too happy, and then when reality sinks in, you become too miserable. If you're already too miserable, then anything that happens just makes you either too "fine" with the way things are, or more too miserable.

Basically, everything is in the extreme. Black or white. Left or right.

But we all know that there's a few hundred shades of grey in between black and white. And that there's a lot many places in between the left and right. That's real life. Not the extremes, but the few million shades of everything.

So, STOP over reacting!! Sure, you can do the whole crying- your- eyes- out- thing or the jumping- on- the- bed thing, just don't drive yourself to the jumping- off anything that is at your height or more above the ground. Or driving into stuff.

Once you're done with screaming into the pillow, or pulling your hair or pulling some one else s hair- sit down and think rationally. Set aside the negative energy and focus on how and why whatever has happened REALLY affects you and what you can do about it.

So what if the other person doesn't love you anymore? Think about it- did you really love him? Or were you just in love with being in love? Are you really ok with him digging his nose and tasting the "booty" in public? Are you really ok with the way his trousers are just on the verge of giving in to gravity?

Alternatively, are you ok with all the bitching she does? Do you really want someone who cries over a broken nail in your life?

So what if you've flunked a paper? So what if you can't cook?- if what you're upset about is not being able to cook. So what if you embarrassed yourself in public- only people who can laugh at themselves are actually secure about who the are, what they stand for.

You get the idea.

Shake yourself for me. You're only 20 odd something! You've got your entire life ahead of you. It's not the end of the world! Chill dude.

(And those of you who know me, knows how much it takes to actually get that yankee phrase out of me)

I'm not saying whatever you'd have done was right or wrong. Nor am I trying to belittle your pain or suffering. All I'm saying is, no matter how bad it might have seemed then- YOU can get over it. Make things right, and move on. You just need to set the emotions aside, and think with a clear head. And then do the "right" thing. Just remember- it's not the end, until it's the end you want it to be.

Be good to yourselves,

All my love.

Hear me out.

Read aloud, let it settle, process and then react. Don't assume that it's me and hence it will be one way and not another and tell me what you think.

We don't always know everything about everything, but we do know something about some things and a lot about others- sometimes we even know almost everything about some things. Some we know, others we think we know and yet others we make ourselves believe 'cuz they're being said of by others we know, or who claim to know us and us them. Point is- we lose perspective. Of who we are, what we stand for and what the other person means to us.

Whether you came across a person reading a book, browsing a magazine or watching a movie- you either like the character or don't; you pick up a few traits you wished you had, some you have and others you'd rather no one around you did.

What attracts me most, now that I sit to think about it, is the fact that I KNOW what happens to the person in the end. That there is a happily ever after, and a proper way to get there. Take for example a very typical case- man/woman is from a broken family, and has learnt to not believe in "soul mates" and "love" (you'd think I were obsessed with the issue); that's how she lives life and treats all the relationships she encounters- nothing lasts forever. But then, there comes along a woman/man who refuses to give up on them- who refutes everything they've ever believed in; and slowly they thaw, give in, realize that it was all a shield, take a risk and there's the whole walking into the sunset.

So what do I do? Make myself believe in exactly all that. I know what's to happen to such a person down the road. I know what others like about these people, I know what they don't. And I do that.

Take an approx number of the number of books I've read in say only this past year- 1000? 10,000? Something in between- whatever. Add up all the people I've read about, watched and observed and you get a rough estimate of how many traits I've incorporated and how many I've chucked. What does that make me?

One helluva patch worked quilt, that's what.

The answer doesn't bother me as much as the implications of it do. How much original? If anything at all, that is. How much fake? How much just an effort at being something I'm not?

There was a point to all this, I swear. Now if I could only remember what it was.

Serendipity is my most favoritest word in the whole wide world.

Usually the fruits of my endless aritistic pursuits is trashed, and if perfect in my eyes- gifted. So when you ask me to show you of my "art" I find limited, recent stuff.



'Made around 6 or 7 of these- I was just making use of the paint left on the brush. Anyway, those have gone off in pairs to my dearest bro and an aunt- I just hope they're deemed worthy of adorning any wall of the house.











This here sweetheart, was one of my first attempts at making stuffed toys- I ended up making a life size dog some time back, surprised myself with it too.









The next piece, finds a small place in my sis s room; those of you who've been here for the past year know of it. For those of you who haven't- this was one of those lesser known brilliant ideas. When my mum heard me shout it out, 'cuz I was in a crowded bus, she asked me to find a place and sit down. Was done in 12 hours flat. And for those still reading, she still hasn't taken it off- yay me






Like I was saying the other day- for a whole 4 years black and white was my life. Or at least the part where the thought of making something didn't nauseate me. Anyway, that period led me to be known, in my small circle, for pieces like the one shown on the right- look closely and you'll find a lot more to it than just random black lines. Almost everyone who means anything to me, owns one of these.



Guitar classes.

It's a funny thing- most of the stuff I do, write- has to be inspired. You can't ask me to sit, hand me a bursh and paints, and order me to draw and actually expect it to happen.

Boiled! The temperatures are soaring, and we've only just reached the middle of the month! Thankfully, I got done with my exams before.

I am one of those few lucky people who had(3)/has(1 + 2) grandparents who absolutely spoiled her. Spoiled her rotten, actually. A lot of it was cuz I was the first born of the best set of kids, either side had seen. And well, I was me. I hear you say when you say elder people can be a pain, but I lose you when you need me to understand that. To me they are a nice pain. I can't imagine otherwise.

I FINALLY saw Music & Lyrics. It's cute. And it's got Hugh Grant. It's made of nice stuff- good wit. Go watch! Scoot.

Have you ever felt like a chair? Or a sofa? Any piece of furniture? Which is there to just be used. Doesn't argue, doesn't retaliate, doesn't fight, doesn't ask for anything- it's purpose is to do what it's made to do. Be sat on, or moved around to suit another s whim. It's a unique feeling- you should try it some time!

Sanity teaches you, or wishes to teach one; as is in my case- that there is no soul mate no "the one", just a person who you are more compatible with than most. Or a few people, if you must. And you just choose one, or let one choose you and live the rest of your lives with them.

Insanity, which is abundant, refuses such futile justifications for being cowardly. What kind of a life will you lead, with no passion? What'll you do with compatibility when what you need is a champion; the biggest hug in the world; someone to share your joy with; a slow dance; to lie on your back and admire the skies? What happens then?

Blah.

I'm good, hope you are too.

All my love.

The other day, I don't remember why exactly though, was a general enough conversation- it struck me, and over whelmed me. It, being realization. About? Love. Marriage. Happily ever after. Forever.

I dunno if it's just me or if it's just me, I felt this sudden fear engulf me. You know that sensation you're supposed to get of a heavy boulder settling down in your stomach? It happened! Well at least, something these books talk about is true.

If I see the stuff that's happening around me, there's a pretchy good chance that others see it too, right? Atleast 10% of the "people other than me"? So, then how do they manage to center their whole existence, literaly in some cases in fact, around one single person? One emotion. One thread. How?!! These, by the by, are most often people who take hours to decide what they're going wear!

Jokes aside, seriously, how!!! Most boy-friends, love- of- my- life s , etcetra etcetra s that I've met or seen either dominate the other person- so much so that they cut themselves off from their friends and become totally dependent on the other person, or treat the other person like shit. And by shit, I mean shit.

True there is no "perfect person". But how much imperfection do you settle for? Actually, that isn't even the point- the point is how can you trust someone so much with yourself, that you give the person everything you have- mind, body and soul? Everything.

Right. You tell me how. I've forgotten everything else I wanted to say- just answer the question, someone, please!

Lv.

P.S: Four more papers to go. 'Am so damn bogged down, I think my sleep time is bordering 4-5 hours or something. Anyway, like they say "I will survive". Blah. Hope alls well!

They come from the same village, my friend and another guy. The guy is fatherless and looks up to my friend s dad. Family friends, to be slightly more specific. So he takes on my friend, and they are "brother and sister" now.

She'd been talking to a guy in class for sometime, my friend that is- a few messages (and few here, IS few- 10 ish) in the week, a call in a fortnight. Somewhere down the line, she'd started thinking of him as her "husband" - translated- she'd developed a crush on the guy.

Obviously, she didn't go immediately and tell her "bro" (excuse me, but this word will always be in quotes here) about these new feelings. She took her time, but she did tell him.

He yelled at her for 4 hours straight- told her she was impure (exact words, mind you), breaking her parents' trust, and the likes. All she did for two days was cry. She couldn't sit without welling up- even in class. And she couldn't go to any of her hostel friends, because of the "shame". She wanted to kill herself, wash herself of this impurity and shame.

Her "brother" made her promise never to even look in the direction of that guy. Everything he wanted- she did. She didn't attend even one of the college functions, because he didn't want her to, didn't go out with her "girl" friends cuz he didn't want her to.. basically, she danced to his every tune. Every time she set foot outside the dorms, he was there. Things went on that way for a while- he was making her the good girl she had been when she came to college.

He hit her. He physically hit her. Slapped her, punched her, threw her things across the room and boxed her until she fainted.

In a classroom, in college.

Why? Because she'd finally decided to let the crush- guy talk to her about what was happening... she'd just stopped talking to him, didn't take his calls and completely ignored him. The least she could do, was tell him that she didn't ever want to talk to him again.

What'd she do? She stood there and let him hit her. When he threw water at her face to get her back to consciousness, she got up and went back to the hostel, ate, studied, took his calls and listened to his apologies and slept. She did what he wanted- he wanted her to promise she'd never even look in the direction of that guy, ever, much less talk to him.

After all, he was her brother. What but her best interests would he have in mind?

----------------

I have brothers too. And they look out for my interests, just like I do them. After all, it's easier to go to them with crushes and stuff like that than to go to your parents. In my case, I have both. But still, this is plain and simple abuse.

In this case, at least after this last incident, she's believing me when I tell her that what this guy is doing- controlling her- is plain and simple WRONG. UNHEALTHY. That if her own father ever caught on on what had happened, he'd kill him.

The thing is, even though realization and acceptance is a major step, it's not enough. She doesn't want to ruin his last two years in college, but like I pointed out to her- his ruining her last two years in college wasn't justified either.

I'm working on it, and if it's the last thing I do- I'm going to slap the guy at least once before I leave. I take him on blindfolded, by the by, he's a stick. I could probably do "boo" and he'd fall. But I swear it, if he ever lays his hand on her again, he's dead.

Don't give into such abuse. No one, not even your own parents, have the right to do this to you. It's NOT RIGHT. Please, don't. Your not helping the other person, your encouraging him. I know it's easy saying it sitting on the outside, but I'm still saying it.

For all those of you who are lucky, don't let people around you give in to such stuff. They just need to know someone is there for them, to TELL them that this is wrong. They know it is, they just need affirmation.

All my love.

Not made up, absolutely true, even though I wish with the core of my being it wasn't.

I rose to the smell of water in the air… with a smile on my face. It’s a rarity, you know…after working 6 days in a week from 7 in the morning to 5 in the evening? And then not getting home before 6. But yesterday, not even the thought of my first lecture being E.Mech, succeeded in dampening my spirits.

There were clouds in the sky… and a cool breeze blew. It was an absolutely delightful change to the scorching heat. And anyone who knows me, knows I love the rain. I love getting wet in the rain.

With a skip in my step, and a smile still stuck on my face, I set off for college. It was going to rain!!

And rain it did. I think I surprised a few people by almost dancing on the road J… it was going to be an absolutely superb day.

I sent my daily dose of “gumorning, have a lovely day” messages to my friends while on the bus. I have to use the local buses to travel to college everyday.

It’s a constant adventure to me. I love observing people. At times when the bus is crowded, you find these ladies grumbling and pushing and you can’t help but smile…and looking at your smile, they realize that everyone was in the same position as them. On their toes, and making space for more people. And then you watch a smile creep onto their faces. If I’m traveling with a friend, I’m a constant amusement to people around me, ‘cuz I’ll usually be trying to learn Tamil. And then of course there are those times when I have to try and talk to someone who knows only Tamil…Not to forget the poor conductors who are totally whacked out by the end of the day… they over use that damn whistle of theirs. I think it’s a conspiracy to make you deaf… and mind you, I’ve never been accused of being paranoid.

Anyway, as luck might have it. I was running late, on the very day, I HAD to be on time.

Finally my connecting bus came… Over crowded, as luck might have it (again). But, even that didn’t spoil my mood that day. After all, I had just gotten wet in the rain. The smell of rain water on the ground has a way of creeping on to you. It’s as good as getting drunk and wanting to let go. Of making you think of all the good. Of making you want to sing and snuggle. Of pakodas and garam chai.

I was waiting to get to college… My friends and I would ultimately end up bunking the first lecture and sitting in the canteen, enjoying the rain… whatever little there was of it. We’d have sat and talked about our dreams… Of how things weren’t that bad, after all. That there was hope, after all.. About that special someone we could have cuddled up with ;)

I was brought out of my fantasy when I felt your breath on my neck. So close. I had been through this before. And all I could think of was Oh God. Not again, please.

I felt you push into me from behind. I felt you try to get closer. And I felt the nausea build up.

The smell of cheap liquor and sweat surrounded me. Please, NO! I wanted to yell, at you.

I turned to look… and I saw you looking straight ahead, as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to slap you, I wanted to yell. But, nothing came out…

And then you tried to get even closer.

I pushed ahead, as far as I could. I tried to get away from your touch. From your presence. Nothing helped.

When you got off the bus… I felt myself relax a little. And then you turned and looked. I had to make and effort to steady myself. To not let myself be affected by the dirt in your eyes.

By the time I got off the bus, I felt dirty. The rain didn’t help. All I wanted to do was go home and have a bath. I was disgusted. And dirty.

----------------


Eve teasing is an offence. Please discourage it. Ignore the technicalities if you must, it's offensive and disgusting.

I don’t expect anyone to think of me as their sister or mother, but to really look at women as citizens who have every right to be out on the streets, without any explanation. Sometimes we just love to walk, stand around, hang around, without looking ‘avaliable.’

P.S: I wrote this some time last year, but I'm republishing it as a part of the Blank Noise Project s (a cause I support) Women's Day Celebrations. Feel free to comment, and do bisit their blog site. It's a cause worth supporting.

I always used to wonder what people meant when they said that something/ someone had the power to make them smile with tears in their eyes. Feel happy, yet sad at the same time.

I do know now.

Bleddy memories. A song, a word, a book, an act, a character in a book, a dream, anything... 'Makes you find yourself thinking, recollecting and smiling to yourself about something that happened so long ago. So very very long ago. Seventy years ago. Smiling at the person you were then... Smiling at the feeling that you feel zing through you. Just like it did, back then.

And then you find a damn tear thats found it's way out, no matter how hard you tried to stick to the good part of the memory. For what had been. What could have been. And what never will be, ever again.

For just a fraction there, you feel something squeeze your insides. A slight pain that flits across.

And just like that. It's all gone. And all that your left with, is empty space.

People mess up their lives so easily. I messed up my life so easily. So much chaos, so much wrong negative stuff. There's all magnitudes of messing up... you could get into dope, you could end up selling dope, you could just be a weak person who has a knack for terrible relationships, you could just be a weak person and sometimes one just ends up screwing up ones life 'cuz one thinks he's screwed up another persons life.

My point is, that either because of you or because of someone you are related to you (which again means because of you), at some point or the other, all of us find ourselves, to put it eloquently, screwed. Majorly screwed, if one might have it.

At times, it isn't even because your a bad person or have done something to deserve bad... at some times your just a victim. Like all this stuff that's been happening in rapid succession in the past few months across the seven seas. Life is full of bones being found, serial murders, serial rapes, terrorist bombings or one government employee trying to "screw" the other one. Absolutely screwed up lives. Hell I feel insecure just reading about such stuff. I don't know how or if I'd ever have to handle such a situation, I'd ever even be able to. I hope none of the people I love and care about never have to, at the least. Selfish, one might call it.

Chi... so where was I ? Oh yeah... So, we all screw up once in a while. The point is, are we strong enough to get our lives back onto track again? Are we ready to deal with whatever went wrong, accept mistakes, make up for them, and start afresh?

Firstly, it's not everyone whose given the chance to clean up the slates. If it's just a boy friend whose dumped you that's making you want to kill yourself or drink too much (which is killing yourself anyway), you have a chance. A good and easy one. You might have just gotten out of jail, you have a chance too, but it's a tough one. You might have just been letting your grades slip - you have a chance, a good and very easy one. It's all a matter of seeing what you have, and doing something with it. Something good with it.

Secondly, not everyone has the right support system. I screwed up on a pretty small scale. The only one whose still got scars to show, is me. But at least I had the guts to face whatever it was, and clean up my life after that. There's a lot of people who don't. They just go from one damning relationship to another, because like a teacher of mine used to say they have no vertebral column.

Thirdly, not everyone has the guts or the urge to clean up the slates. Some people are happy to just give in, and rot away. Others, have oppurtunities, the right friends, they just don't have the balls. Others still, are deeper in shit than they can dig themselves out of - they still manage to do a good deed in the end.

It's pretty simple - unscrewing ones life.

1) You rid yourself of any type of alcohlic crap.
2) You rid yourself of all the people who don't believe in you. Of all the people you've just been taking crap from. Which also means surrounding yourself with people who really do care for you.
3) It also means having to trust them with your life.
4) You start begging, and kissing the feet of the people you've hurt, indirectly and directly, all the people you "owe", and make it up to them.
5) What is wrong, is wrong. It's not right under any circumstances. Not even if your drunk enough to walk yourself to the Buckingham palace, and dance in front of the gaurds, naked.
6) It's a lot of hard work, and very tiring and extremely hard on the ego. But only a man can do, what a mans got to do.

It's pretty sad to see lives go wasted. It's also pretty sad to end up questioning the human race, with questions ( yeah that's me. articulation at it's best) like why people do "bad" stuff anyway? Why others let it get done to themselves? Why some others just sit and let it all happen just for the money? Why still others do something about it, and get screwed anyway. Question, that don't have answers. Or some pretty damning answers, anyway.

All you can do is have faith, say a lil prayer and hope that someone somewhere is listening, and get on with the day!

An absolute moo point, if I've ever seen one. Hope you guys have a lovely day at work, I'm just going to laze around with a book *evil grin*

All my love and prayers,

Yours forever sthupitly.

Crazy, eh? All these changes and all that, na? Blame it on boredom, and those bubbles that are bubbling. For some reason, I'm very amused with my "bubbles that bubble" concoction. I dunno where I keep coming up with such stuff. I guess, it's just a talent I'm going to have to live with. The misery of it all.

Sometimes when my sis or someone else asks me what I get out of cleaning, or deleting all the junk from my inbox or anything along those lines... I've never been able to find an adequate answer. It's pretty simple, and I guess that's why it's difficult to understand for people.

I really do believe in karma. The earth is round, and hence, what goes around, does come around. Karma, listening about it, learning about it, etc, brought me in contact with what prayers are. What the power of a prayer is. I've often wondered, not about the daffodils, but yes, about the power prayers weild. And weild, they do.

The most convincing explaination I could come up with was, that when one prayers, i.e., chants... The person creates a positive space around himself. He has positive vibes. The more you do it, the more stronger they become. You can often see and feel a person s state of being when you meet them. Those are the vibes I'm talking about. I dunno about how the "power" works, but then, there really isn't and can't be too much negative stuff around a person who has such a powerful positive space around himself. If that makes any sense at all.

It's the same with cleaning. I do it, so as to cleanse my self. My mind. To remove the clutter. To decrease the chaos. While it is impossible to totally eradicate it, because the theory of existance holds that the amount of chaos is directly proportional to the stability of ourselves and the world, and is hence very much a part of ourlives, this usless chaos needs to be taken out.

You do take your dustbins out every day, right? It's just like that. If you let it be, it'll oveflow, and make your house and life, well to put it eloquently, stink?

The same goes for useless emotions. Strong words I know, useless emotions. No, when I say that, I'm not condemning emotions. In fact, I'm just rubbishing useless emotions. Wondering about what to wear, what's "cool", lame stuff like that. True that, that they might not be lame to other people. In fact, I like them sometimes too...

It's just the excessive stuff that I'd rather do without. Rid yourself of anger, forgive yourself, so things go bad at times - laugh to keep from crying, simble, hurting sometimes is peaceful in itself, 'cuz at the end of it you know your going to heal and be great ( Not, OK, that's a horrible place to be, you know why!).

It's like... I dunno, the other template I was using, is peaceful... this one on the other hand represents my naughty self, hyper self, yada yada. I'm going to stick to this for the season, but it's still the other one that brings a sense of... homecoming? Relief? Relaxation? Sthupit example, but yes, that's the way it is.

All this cleaning, praying, bathing (To think!), walking... brings a sense of tranquility to a person s life, and hence to ones self. You should try it. I'm not talking yoga and all that, that's good if you have the time and inclination. Small stuff... Maybe sitting on the terrace with soft music, a walk after dinner with family, cleaning up, a long hot water bath after that, cooking, you get the point.

May peace be with you!

Yours forever sthupitly.

Sometimes, you hear something or read something, and everything just fits into place. It's like... it was always there, somewhere at the back of your head, and wham one day, it comes up front and blinks like a neon sign, you couldn't NOT notice. At times it's nice stuff... a happy memory, a sthupit song, an old friend.. anything and at others it's.. just stuff, I guess.

I walked far enough to make you sit still. And just like that, in one sentence, this person had managed to describe the last two years of my life. Just like that. And true it is, to the full stop. I hate absolutely hate people who walk out, don't keep promises... and I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. I haven't so far. Anyway, back to the point. There are two reasons for me not wanting to do that to anyone.

One, the noble crap. Friends forever, will be there for you always and the likes. I see too much. And the fact that it would hurt the other person, no matter how small a part of my life he/she is, is enough to stop me. There's enough suffering in this world, without me adding to it :)

The other being, just to show the person up. Clicking two. And how true it is. Often I'd wonder why I was being so stubborn. What exactly were my reasons? What was making me stay put? Me being me just wouldn't accept it to be ONLY 'cuz it was what friends/girl friends/sisters/blah did... it kept nagging me.

Another thing that bothered me was when suddenly for certain reasons parts of who I was, why I was and why I am what I am came back. Okie that didn't make sense. It's just that sometimes (again) in other people s lives you find a part of your past. And because you don't want the other person to have it as terribly as you did, you start looking for reasons, explainations, theories and answers so that you can help. That's what I did. I tried.

Until the other day, when it all started making sense. It always did make sense, but now it was concrete. Definite. Being as human as we are, we have a lot to feel guilty for. And that makes us seek out pain. Pain, sacrifice, suffering helps us find peace. Salvation.

It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. That's why I'm telling you: dont' get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerfull drug. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. or cowardice. however much we may reject it, we huma beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.

True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God. Don't let's think about that now, all you need to know is that what make the world go around is not the search for pleasure but the renuniciation of all that is important.

Does the soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No. He goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show he husband she's happy? No. She wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does a working man go to work every morning to achieve satisfcation? No. He does it to sweat his butt off so that he can keep his family. And so it goes on, sons give up their dreams to please parents, parents give up their lives in order to plese their childrean, pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:love.

And I dunno where I'm going with this, except that, I just needed to say all this aloud. At least in my head. If you enjoy being miserable, then stop and start looking at what exactly you are doing to yourself.

Sure, you've made mistakes, big ones and small ones, sometimes they ruin lives, sometimes they ruin your life, they hurt the people you love most, but it isn't the end of the world. Forgive yourself, and make it up, not by suffering, but by loving. Yourself, the people around you, and your life.

And no matter what you do, don't do it to prove anything to anyone, do it cuz you know in your heart, that it's the right thing to do. Actually, scratch that. I'm not too sure it works. What I am sure is, that suffering is not the solution. It's temporary peace, that will lead to insanity. And cuz it's not only the tough way out, it's also the only way out.

Lotsaluv,
Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S : Project work is over, nonsense teacher didn't even look at it. Apparently, I'd said I'd done it, and that was enough. Work on the behalf of 4 people, work that was meant to be done for the entire sem, I did, alone, in 4 days. Anyway, that's me being made a fool of again, for being "sincere".

P.P.S: Yes, I'm totally, completely insane. It's been verified, attested and hence confirmed.

This thing I wanted to write about... It's kinda like a theory. I'd formulated it, a while back. I've tried telling, talking about it.. But it just felt stupid. Un formulated, at times. Not well defined, at others. Shantaram, which I've been begging all of you to read, finally, did the deed for me.

I was shocked and amazed to find a piece of my thoughts, figments of my imagination, in words on pages of paper that I'd already started loving. What amazed me even more was realising that my thinking was similar to just another regular guy trying to make money buy selling made up philosophy. Not. Because it is similar to a guy, who is just telling his tale to the world. And it's not even his... if you want the specifics it's a theory, one of the Mafia dons in Mumbai believed in. A patron of sciences and philosophy. Anyway, that's for you to find out when you read the book. Which you should.

I've decided to put this into words. Even though I don't know if I should be scared, happy or plain and simple book myself a room in the Agra Mental Hospital. Because, this is something Shantaram was told, by a man who had seen the world... who'd been taught by some of the best. It's something he advised Shantaram to ask every person who pronounced himself learned and great. Some sort of a test. And to think that the right answer lay in what I thought, already, at this age... kinda freaked me out.

It's nothing complicated. Real simple in fact. It was chemistry that actually got me thinking... since you all know I detest the subject because I can't see all this stuff they talk about happening in front of me. Anyway, the thought process started in one of those boring classes.

It is an accepted theory that a big bang, literally, led to the formation of the universe. It started of in the simplest of ways... and has been moving forward ever since. These simple things have been combining with each other in various ways to form less simple, more complicated things. And that's been the way ever since the Big Bang. Moving towards more and more complexity.

Each particle that formed as a result of the big bang, had certain characteristics to it. These characteristics show when they combine with certain other particles which have their own set of characteristics. Depending on how many, what kind and how they combined, a set of characteristics was revealed and the rest didn't show up, until when it was time for them to show up.

From single celled species came multicellular and so on. The universe moved on until it reached what it is today, in all it's glory. Humans, animals, the birds and the flowers. The stars and the galaxies. And it still moves on.

Towards the ultimate complexity. That some wish to call God. It is what the whole universe it moving towards. Other "things" and parts of the universe, like us, are also moving towards. And everything that enhances, helps and aids in this movement towards the ultimate complexity is good, while everything that hinders the process is evil. The easiest way to figure out if what your doing is right or wrong, is to ask yourself: what would happen if everybody did it? And me is not talking about the stupid stuff. I'm being serious here.

Say, take fighting. If everyone were to start doing it, there'd be chaos at first, and then death and dying. Which hinders our movement towards this infinite complexity. Because then we have to start over again... But the cycle will start.. until we reach there.

This gives us a pretty good idea about if we are right or wrong. What's more important is to know why it's that way.

That's that. My thoughts and words entwined with Gregorys. There might be a few loop holes. But, this is by far the most convincing thing I've read. Oh and how does chem come here? The second law of thermodynamics says that every system tries to reach a form with maximum chaos, for that is where it is most stable. When I got thinking about this in terms of life, it somehow led to the theory that I've just laid down for you. And by the by, there is a law, that talks of this movement to the ultimate complexity. I, of course, didn't know of it, until I read about it in the book.

Anyway, happy thinking this over. Let me know what you think. Thankus for bearing with me, till the end!! lol... lotsaluv and hugs,

Yours forever sthupitly.

Being pushed into this post by nav... na.. actually, have been meaning to write on this very topic all day.. but have been indulging in lotsa tv, triffle pudding and calories. Bunked college. A full day.

Simplicity.... It's kinda tough for me to describe what it means to me. Because, as you've seen, I'm actually a very complicated person but I love simplicity. As in, in the head I'm complicated and in life, I like simple. See.. even this sounds complicated now.

Simple...I call myself that, because if you define simplicity like Koze , then I am simple. No decking up... whether I'm beautiful that way or not, that's the way I'm most comfortable with my skin. Simple I am because I like a simple lifestyle. It doesn't mean that I don't like to go out once in a while, or that I don't like letting my hair down... I just like doing it the simple way. Friends over for pizza, just out for coffee... something like that, and that to once in two months or something. I like the fact that I can lie in my bed, in my bery nice new room, and enjoy a good read at the end of a day. Or just sit with dad and watch the late night news. Or be on the phone at twelve in the night, catching up with friends and family. I still believe in romance, or did till yesterday... And I get goosebumps when I watch the Airtel add. And beggars know I'm a sucker. And I let old ladies take my seat on the bus. And that even though I curse afterwards, I let some bitchy-looking-for-a-fight women take my seat instead of playing who can shove better, on the bus. That's simple sthupit girl for you.

What ain't simple about me is that with friends, people I'm really close to and with people reading this, I actually think aloud at times. Sometimes I fight just so that I don't feel bad about whatever it is that's making me feel bad. Those stupid dumb fights which friends are suppose to look right through and tolerate you until your ready to talk about whatever it is. The fact that while I love red and black over all other colors, I really don't have a favorite color. While I love chinese there are times when I love pizzas or ma's parathas or chocolate or anything else. What's even more complicated about me is that while sometimes I'm the rough and tough I-don't-need-anyone types, there are others when I do. And I think ALOT. And with the rate at which things are going right now... I'm going to be insecure for life. That's complicated sthupit girl for you.

So, basically I'm a very simple complicated person. Uh-huh.

What's your take on simple and complicated?

My friend and I were discussing this, and I wanted to know what you guys had to say about it.

I cannot lie. I mean, yes of course I can if I really wanted to. But then, I just don't. Why? Because I really do believe, after seeing people, that one day, you'll get caught. And then you'll be in tripple trouble.

I also have a very sharp conscience. I guess it's just something I picked up along the way. From looking at people.

My ma always told me the easiest way to find out if what you're doing is right or wrong is this: If you're hiding and doing something, it's wrong. Simple as that. To a person like me, who can't decide what her favorite color is, this is a lifeline.

I don't blindly follow it. I really do believe it.

Lying complicates life. I like it simple. I mean seriously... ain't there enough complications without you adding to them?

Why this topic came up?

Boyfriends. Is it worth it to lie to your parents just to go out with a guy?

"There's a very simple and short answer to that",says my friend. Logic: I mean I'd rather not lie. But then, what's the point? If I do tell them, they will never be OK with it. I mean there's this whole generation gap. So, why hurt them and ME? This way neither of us gets hurt. And I can go out with the guy I love.

I just want to know if you think it's worth it?

Worth it to waste time and energy and cash to spend time with a guy, who is 90% going to dump you along the way. And it's not even the fact that he MIGHT dump you...it's the fact that you'd lie to your parents for this guy?

Is he that important? Do you really believe what you're doing is right? Do you really believe it's worth losing your parents trust?

In at least 7/10 cases they guy ends up either blackmailing you or talking shit about you to his friends. To your friends.

In 9/10 cases the girl ends up hating herself for giving up so much of herself, emotionally and physically, to this guy.

Is it worth it?? Is it really?

They might seem like real kiddish questions to some. I mean I see my friends, very cooly "omitting" certain details, getting cash out on vague pretences... it's small stuff. But at the end of the day it's a lie.

I find people in 8th standard "going out" and doing all hanky panky stuff. 8th standard???!!! It's become a fashion trend now.. the whole lying to your parents. Going out with a guy...

I really do want to know... how do you manage to look at yourself in the mirror, every morning? Don't you feel guilt. Or does the whole "generation gap" excuse seem reason enough to not be ashamed of yourself?

What's on your mind??

I know it's been ages since I've posted. Alot has happened. And there's so much going on inside this lil brain of mine, I don't know where to start. So, I'm just going to let things be. It's what I ask everyone else in my situation to do. Stop thinking. What will be, will be. Na.. I'm not contradicting myself. It's well.. either you understand what I'm saying or you don't :)

A lot of times.. one just needs this person who can help steady you. Help you to keep from falling. By not doing anything more that being there for you and listening to you without being judgemental. You know who you are, thank you.

And to everyone else who has taken the trouble to visit... life's precious baba. Each day has a lot many firsts... enjoy them. Each day has a lot many surprises and cute moments... savor them. At the end of the day remember that you are needed and loved... and like Keating says it,

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed...

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean,
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear the mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Living might mean taking chances..
But they're worth taking.
Lovin' might be a mistake...
But it's worth making.
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to selling out.. Reconsider,
Give the heaven's above, more than just a passing glance..
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door opens, I hope one more opens,
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance..

I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.

Wishing you guys all the love in life! May God bless..