This seems to be another one in my series against the trash (however comical and liable to give you THE splits (only makes sense, to make that sound like a disease))(I think this is the first time I've used braces inside braces. Hmmm) that is on T.V. these days. Today's special- Splitsvilla.

Official tag- a new romance-based reality show, where Love is War. Jezus. 20 "hot" girls compete for two "hot" guys. The winner finds not only "love" but a nice 5 lac rupees AND a chance to host a show on T.V. All the bindings of true loue, wouldn't you say?

One of the guys is a skinny short shit who got thrown out of Roadies. Another can't be shot down on account of being short or skinny, but is another person who got kicked out of Roadies, and couldn't compete with a termite on account of intelligence.

Both of them, sit on their toadstools and shoot out stuff like "So-and-So you're confy, that's good. But being over confy is bad." (to which the So-and-So in question nods her head vigorously to show her assent) and to another So-and-So "You've played well. Very well. But this isn't a game to us". My pretty ass it's not.

They girls who weren't "dumped" were the ones who'd managed to win the hearts of our two lonesome bachelors by dancing on the top of a table amongst other things. True love = ability to dance on table tops. One poor lil darling who announced she enjoyed philosophy, kinda threw the axe on her own foot, because our desperately- looking- for- love guys wouldn't know how to even spell that word. Oh and by the by, guess what each of them said in their intros- we're looking for girls with a sense of humor. Which in turn obviously implies intelligence.

And MTV should obviously be revered for the great oppurtunity they're offering us people. For the stage that they have set, obviously invites nothing but the most intelligent of people. Announcing, and eagerly waiting to prove how "bold" they are. Top notch brains of the country, my friend, absolute top notch.

I can understand something along the lines of trying to find true love through television- there's something similar on Travel and Living, I forget the name. But having 20 girls fight for you? 18 girls whom you "dump" while on this quest, because they refuse to dance on table tops or don't stand on the roof and shout "I'm daring, try me". 2 girls whom you choose based on their style of dressing, and what moves(yes, plural) when they dance?

Enchanted. Absolutely enchanted.

Twin blasts in Hyderabad in very public places seems to have as much importance (I'm not saying more, for the press deserve some respect even if it means lying through my teeth) as Salman Khan being sentenced to 5 years of imprisonment.

The most worrying question is not "How India will react to this act of terrorism" but what will the film industry do, having lost both Sanjay and Salman in less than a month to prison, specially considering that Aamir, Sharukh and Akshay are booked solid till 2009. What will they do!! What will they do?!

Here's how the headlines go:

Sanjay has to spend another night because his sister, who hired a helicopter to deliver his interim bail papers to the jail officers was delayed.

Salman Khan spends first night in jail!! Exclusive coverage, stay with us.

Salman Khan's father, Salim khan talks to us exclusively. Excerpts read : His mother is in some kind of shock *ohmigod* and the family is dealing with all this. What else can they do?

On other news,

Girls in a government school aren't allowed to use the only bathroom that there is in the school, and are instead asked to use the drain in open view of male teachers and students.

Shibu Soren has been acquitted, and released from jail. He expresses wishes to become minister again.

Twin blasts in Hyderabad- around 30 dead and more than 70 people injured.

Women in a small town in Maharashtra take to the streets in protest against Liquor Shops- where men drink and then harass females. The district collector (much to my surprise) listened to them and has ordered elections on this issue. The women have been threatened by the men folk with blood shed and acid.

Coming up in the entertainment news:

All ministers refrain from throwing chairs and chappals and hurling insults in the Parliament when, the Japanese PM paid them a visit.

Left warns the government about operationlization of the 123 Agreement.

... And more. Stay with us.
I'm disgusted to say the least.

I don't give a tiny rats ass about Salman Khan's first night in prison. Because in spite of all the crap about "all prisoners are treated equally in my jail" money talks. Plain and simple.

"Justice has been served" ; "Our judiciary IS in fact impartial" and anything along these lines is utter crap again. When they're putting celebs in jail to save face they're also acquitting the Shibu Soren s of the world. For which by the by, I should actually be bowing down to the CBI. My apologies to the court. Whom I shall applaud for describing the CBI s effort as "miserable". I'd add a few more colorful words, but then I'm not sitting as the judge and most definitely do not have white hair.

Something as simple as asking for a discussion of the 123 Agreement in the Parliament and asking for clarifications before the deal is operationalized has been made into "What Will Listening to the Left do to the PM s self respect?" Jezus. All is does is show that we live in a democracy.

Pah. Anyway, like you can see, it was just another week in India. Hope you guys had a louely week.

All my love.

Ugh.

What is it with people and christmas. And even those people who have nothing whatsoever to do with the holiday?!?! Everyone goes into hyper mode, starts over analyzing, and looking at their lives with a magnifying glass. And what do you find?

You're *** many years old, alone, bills are lying about waiting to be paid and your best friend ran off with your boy friend. If not true to the hilt, close enough.

Christmas gets out of the way, and it's Valentine s day and it starts all over again... And before you know it, it's christmas again!

So, I'm not at my best, this season. *Flips hair off face in defiant gesture* So, what? No reason why I can't be a grumpy grizzly bear, is there? After all, you don't give me a reason every time you get into that state.

*Takes a calming breath*

It isn't the fact that I'm *** many years old, alone and have bills lying about waiting to be paid and my best friend ran off with my boy friend, that's making me want to stranggle someone. It's the nonsensical frenzy that people drive them selves into, come this time of the year. These times, if you may. People get all depressed and cranky and do some real crazy stuff, just 'cuz they're *** many years old, alone, have bills to pay and their best friend ran off with their boy friend. Just because. Pah.

For those of you are lucky and unlucky enough to be single or coupled(?), whichever way you want to take it, and those of you who always thought this was absolutely crazy here's me taking a bite of the humble pie, and for those of you who like me are just coming to see the light - here's some pointers and laughs, respectively.

1) You might want to not book a candlelight dinner at the hotel that's offering, as it's entertainment for the night - women bartenderes and waitresses. [as opposed to men waitresses, but of course.]

2) There's charm in red roses, chocolates and teddy bears allright - there's irratation and anger and a definite temper tantrum, in red roses, chocolates and teddy bears that your secretary ordered and you came home and worked yourself into a frenzy over until you could read the name on the cards straight and found it to sound familiar.

3) If you have a problem and want help - call the cupid helpline/ hotline - Radisson s contribution to this day and what it brings with it. And I hung on to the hope that at least the five star s won't drop their standards.

4) Taj has decided to call it's special night - the hickey night. Innovative? Impressive? Just lovvrey.

Boy/Girl: I'm taking you somewhere special tonight, sweetheart?

*bats eyelashes*

Girl/Boy: Really? Where?

Boy/Girl: Where going to The veranddah. It's going to be hickey night.

*Slap resounds*

Or maybe it's just me and my cynicism talking. You two love birds carry on.

5) Don't wear red, white, black, blue, violet, green, orange, pink or yellow colored clothes while going to college on the -day. Unless, of course, your in love and want the world to know about it. Personally, I take out my gunny bags this time of the year - even some real fadded stuff will do - no one can figure what color it is then!! *blub lights* - use Rin Advanced on some stuff you own - and then everyone will exclaim yeh naya raang kaunsa hai? Won't be troubled by what message your sending out, and... AND you get publicity!!

6) Before gifting someone with one of those things you bought at the " Buy this for your valentine, and get this1 free!! ", take off the sticker that says " But this for your valentine, and get this1 free!! " - most especially if it offers you a ticket for one to the Bahamas or a night of unlimited access to beer and the ladies of a club or a free 1 year subscription of the Playboy.

7) While on what to gift and what not to - A VLCC membership is not a good idea, no matter what your best friend told you. Also, you might want to keep this best friend away from your girl friend.

Oh get over yourselves. Stop being such big snobs. It really isn't about any of the stuff the other grumpy grizzly single people say - it's really about whats in your heart. If you do this every other day anyway, too good !! Here's another one. If you don't do this every other day, too good!! Here's your chance - bonus? Is that you have to do it only once!!

Now shhooo... Go buy someone a huge bunch of roses or candy - probiotic ice cream may be a good option too... okie okie, me will stop with the making fun. Heres hoping -

- Each of you is well loved, not only on this day, but through the year.

- Each of you finds it in yourself to thank and appreciate the people/person you love most, and make the day special enough so that it lasts till next year.

- Make plans with care. *wink*

- And most importantly, be safe!!

Not all of us are members of the Abstinence CLub in college. In fact, very few of us had the good fortune to even go to a college like the Chellamal College that HAS such a club.

Sigh. *suppresses evil grin*

Happy valentine's day!!

All my love,
SG.

I've thought of a million ways of starting a post, over the last couple of days. I've tried funny, i've tried ha-ha funny, ha-funny, boo - scary, bah -scary?, crazy, all of that!! You name it... but nothing seemed to click. Until this.

No clue what this post would come under, but whatever it is, thank the sweet lord for it. I've always wanted to play agony aunt. And here's my first formal chance!!

Q. I found white hair in my bathroom sink this morning. I don't think they are mine, so they've got to be my husband s. What should I do?!!

Well, take them out of the sink for one, or you'll have one clogged drain. You may also take them out, after a while - in case you wanted to play with them, and swirl them around. To make things more interesting, comb your hair for a few strands of black hair and throw them in the sink too. Now you can swirl around black and white hair. But don't forget - take them out, after your done. There'll be more hair my friend, don't worry.

Q. What do you think I should wear to welcome my husband home? He's coming back after ten days. And we're kinda newly weds.

Nothing?

Q. I think my husband is seeing someone else. He comes home with a smile on his face, flowers or just a plain hug most of the time these days and we almost always make love more than twice each night. What should I do?

Get over yourself woman! If he comes home nasty, read to fight, and sleep in the guest room he doesn't love you. Other wise he's seeing someone else? Enjoy it while it lasts.

And if you really want to check, even though you'll hate yourself for it later, try checking his mail or his phone. Sigh, women!


Q. I've been lusting after my teacher for the last two months. I can't sit through her lectures without getting a hard -on, just looking at her. In my defence, she wears pretty bold stuff, and she is young! The thing is, I've made excuses to meet her after hours, in her room - notes, punishment, the likes. And she's kinda come onto me too. Actually, she HAS come on to me. I know it. Do you think if I should go for it?

Let's see... Go for it on her table? Your grading will probably be based on something else. You don't sound like an amateur, so, if you think your little major can take on the enemy...

Q. I... er.. lyk.. have .. ummm.. this, ya know, lyke... ummm problem, lyk ya know? Erm... lyk.. What ummm lyke should I lyk do?

Now here's a tough one. Try using, english words more often. For assistance, try the dictionary. Or even the newspaper. Try using each word you find, and you should be on your way!

Q. I love my boy friend. I really do. We're perfect for each other. It's just that... he broke my nail the other day!!! I mean, really really broke it. Now I have proper grown nails on nine fingers. Oh god what should I do? Help!!

Get out! He did that?!! This guy has got to go. I mean, he broke your nail! Can't take stuff like that sitting down. Stiffen up that upper lip! If you just keep quite, he'll break a toe nail next. Then what'll you do?

Q. I've sending this female so many more friend requests. I want to make friendship with her. She is keeps me up at night. She talks dirty talk and I love it. But she refuses to adding me. What should I do?

Aah. Orkut. For all you know, she's a big hairy guy. Get out of the virtual world, and find someone who actually exists.

Q. I saw this old man on a bike the other day. He was wearing a lungi. And nothing, really nothing underneath. And.. umm.. I don't think I like what I saw. Does this mean, I'm a lesbian?

Awww sweetheart! That's a terrible thing to happen. Always makes you feel sick. No I don't think that means your a lesbian, I think the man was just old. And old. Don't condemn the whole breed!!


Q. This guy in college, is soooo cute! But he doesn't know I exist! I've tried everything from parading past him to laughing real loud when he's around. But in vain. What should I do?

Maybe THAT'S why he's glad not knowing you. Jezus, where's your attitude, woman? Get on the high horse, ignore him, and definately do NOT parade around or do that shrill laugh. And he'll come and talk to you. Guys can't take being ignored.

Q. I just lost my job. I never really liked it, and I'm glad I can finally look into and decide what I really want to do. Then why am I feeling restless? Not happy?

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine once you find something to do with your time. I understand though... it can't be fun stealing pens from your own house, can it?

Q. I feel guilty about having gotten together with my boy friend after listening to a friend of mine, who gave me 10 ways to get a guy. What should I do?

Oh stop with the mind games, will ya? How about just telling the guy about it, and seeing how he reacts? You can go on from there. Take a deep breath, and charge, horns first.

Q. I think my girl friend's faking it. She makes all the right noises and stuff... but, it's just something she said the other day, that made me think. How do I find out?

There's no way you can. *evil grin*


Yours forever sthupitly.
If you have any questions or need advice, write in to sthupit girl!!

I hate shopping, really do. I'm not the change-"wardrobe" with every change in weather types. When I shop, which is like, once a year typically, I love doing it for people around me and my house. There's no stopping me on those two. Once in a while, I love doing it for me too.

So, most of the time, when I'm dragged from shop to shop, comaring prices and stuff, I tend to let my creative side take over. Here's a few things to do :

1) Pick up boxes of condoms and place them randomly in other shoppers shopping baskets. There's some pretty shocking "types" available.(P.S. The measure of the shockingness, can be calculated from observing your victims.)

2) Those huge mountains they make? Carefully arranged cans of cola? What if you accidently bump into one of them. Or pull one out of the center to see if it's any different from the ones outside?

3) Start weeping and crying out loudly, " Why don't they just leave me alone?" when some (unfortunate) clerk comes to you with the may-I-help-you stuff.

4) Move any and all "Caution. Wet floor." signs to not-wet/dry/ carpeted areas.

5) Use the security cameras, as mirrors to dig your noses. (Bet your wondering if I really wasn't kidding in the post earlier this week!!)

6) Hide behind a book/cloth rack and every time I person is going through stuff on the rack, shout "Pick me! Pick me!"

7) You could always, while intently looking at knives ask a clerk where the anti-depressants were...

8) Can try the same thing with rat poison too.

9) If it's a mall or something, and the personnel uses loud speakers to make announcements... when they do, cover up your ears and shout "Oh no! Not those voices in my head again!", like in agony.

10) You could light a few candles or/and start chanting some stuff and shaking and stuff - the usual "tantric" stuff, and when some ayyah bugger takes your seriously... let your creative juices flow.

11) Walk around quitely humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

12) Along the same lines of the previous one : take a call on your cell, or pretend to be talking to someone, in heated whispers, stressing on words like bomb, time left, mission accomlished, yada yada.

13) Pick up a costume, or sit behind one of the big bears in the kid section, and start moving every time a kid gets close to you!

14) Hide behind a counter at the ladies lingerie section, and every time a man turns up issue helpful warnings regarding their wives standing behind them, walking towards them, etc.

15) Open up a bottle of red paint, or a carton of tomato juice and make a trail leading to the changing rooms.

16) Write two chits with a "Meet you in the back, in 5 minutes. Switch off the lights when you enter." and pass them on to two employees/ customers. If your a handsome/beautiful person, you can pretend it's from you, else, just point at the nearest gorgeous/hunky person and say it's from them. Don't forget to see what happens!

17) Set all the clock alarms to ring at 5 minute intervals.

18) Place out-of-service signs near elevators and escalators, and watch people struggle up stairs!

19) Make sufficient noises and walk into a "opposite-sex" changing room with some "opposite-sex" clothes.

20) Call up someone, or just pretend to talk to someone on your phone, and do some dirty talking. Loudly.

21) Walk into a changing room, make funny noises and after a while, yell, "There's no toilet paper/ water in here."

Just be careful to avoid minimum possible contact with security personnel. Also, take care of the cameras and where they are placed and what area they are capturing (Specially, if you want the nose-digging to work). It'd help if your a slick talker with an adorable smile and dimple. Or have good legs.

Happy tripping,

Yours forever sthupitly.

Brought to you, courtsey of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., pogo, observation skills, some forwards on the internet and yours truly.

Disclaimer : The author takes no responsiblity for the outcome of the application of any of the above mentioned techniques.

Now we have one more place to keep flooding people's inboxes(?) with unwanted, meaningless forwards. I was a part of this, at some point of time. Like 9th standard(there you go Kaushik!). And then wham it finally got through.

If for wishes and dreams to come true, all I had to do was forward a piece of e-junk, why is the world still not a better place to live in? Why aren't people all happy? barf. That's all I have to say. Sthupit people.

Also, it sort felt better to have gotten rid of all that junk from my life. It's a small piece, but yeah. Same thing with Orkut. It's crazy. It has its advantages.. I've found friends I'd lost touch with.. from school days. What's useless is joining a few hundred communities, and not being an active participant in any of them, starting and joining communities like 'I hate India' and 'I hate Pak'.. like there wasn't enough hatred in the world already... I mean seriously, go save the world or something rather than doing this. Like I was telling my sis the other day, it clutters up your aura.

But this one was too good to resist! I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004 & 2005 and 2006.

Because of your kindness :

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,Singapore and Tokyo.

I decided I didn't want to be a nun after all, thanks to those what guys really want/what guys are really like mails. I'm forever indebted.

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.
(Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..
Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me "Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my E-Mail account!

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 913760 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m.