Wondering if he is the man for you or not? If you’re a man or a woman? If your in love or not? Are you questioning yourself? Want to understand yourself better?

Well, not anymore. Here's a list of questions that have been carefully framed the study the human psyche better.

Instructions: Get a paper and pencil. Switch off cell phones. No chewing gum. And no calculators allowed. There are no correct answers!!

1) A man can expect to reach out into the refrigerator for milk when…

a. The cat is hungry.
b. It’s starting to get sour? Just the way you like it.
c. The toast is too dry.
d. ESP.

2) Where do you read the newspaper?

a. In bed.
b. In the toilet. Like da.
c. On red signals while driving.
d. Breakfast table.

3) Which side of the bed do you take?

a. The one that faces Mecca.
b. The “other” side.
c. The one that speaks to me.
d. North east in the day time and south west at night.

4) What does the word relationship represent to you?

a. Hot and sexy dates. Every night. Till you stay for breakfast one day. And then you move on.
b. Love, respect and admiration for the other person. Something that is based on trust and faith. c. A symbiotic relationship. Full freedom. Mutual satisfaction.
d. Huh?

5) You’re in the park, sitting on the bench… having just finished your walk, when you see a kid fall down and start howling. What do you do?

a. Dote on him with love and kisses and affection until he forgets how to deal with injuries.
b. Pick him up and make him stand on his feet, and give him a whack for being such a sissy.
c. Find the kids parents and ask to represent them after suggesting they sue the park authorities.
d. Increase the volume of your i-pod.

6) What would you name your German shepherd?

a. Noodle.
b. King Kong.
c. Doggie-po.
d. Bananahammock.


7) Your fairy tale would take place in -

a. In the land I rule. There'd be no hunger and starvation and only good people. (you get the idea)
b. Paris!
c. Take the last left on the street I live on, go straight down till you reach the barbers shop, take the right opposite it and the immediate left. Go straight down till you reach a dead end. You see that dark corner? That's where my dog does his business every day.
d. An enchanted land.

8) What does the line “candle in the wind” mean to you?

a. Someone is trying to light a candle in the wind.
b. It represents a person s vulnerability. The wind represents the relationship the person is in.
c. There’s a candle in the wind.
d. I think the person was a genius. It refers to the science experiment which was started by Hargobind Khorana. The aim of this exercise was to find out if each person in the country would light a candle on the day of the World Cup, the chances of India winning are way higher than if they just sit in front of the television and watch. The follow up of this experiment is what we see today as the “Jup for the Cup.”

9) Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

a. *embarrassed look* Aww shucks.
b. Totally.
c. Shameful. I decline this question.
d. No comments.

10) Why does a toast always fall buttered side down?

a. It’s been proven. I have statistics. A group of scientists, buttered different kinds and sizes of toast and let them fall from various heights. Finding – it never lands on it’s edge.
b. Serves you right for buttering both sides.
c. Butter? All those calories? Have you looked at yourself lately!!
d. Fate. Life. Karma. Kismet.

11) Which place would you like to visit?

a. Donkey s fair.
b. Timbuktu.
c. El Colorado.
d. St. Kittis and Nevis.

12) What do you do after making love?

a. Bathe, like da.
b. Get on the phone!!
c. Snore.
d. Blow raspberry s on his/her tummy. Cuddle up and talk.

13) The “Last Supper” refers to:

a. Before Bhagat Singh was to be hung to death, he was given a feast. All the inmates of the jail, saved their food and drinks. This is what we call the last supper.

b. It’s that movie which stars Hugh Grant and that bitch of a woman. Hugh is just so adorable in it though! You must see it.

c. The dinner Joseph and Mary threw as a welcoming party in Bethlehem for the Three Wise Men without a caterer!!

d. Dinner?

14) What is your favorite color?

a. #CC1000
b. #FFF109
c. #C10C00
d. #F90C20

15) What do you do when you’ve been driving around for hours and get lost in a strange city?

a. Stop and ask for directions.
b. Take actual readings of your location with respect to longitude and latitude based on the stars. c. Keep insisting that your fine, and on the right track.
d. Enjoy the city you are in!!

16) “Down Stay” is most commonly used in reference to –

a. Something to do with football?
b. Dogs. It’s a command to keep dogs stationary for long periods of time.
c. Hitler stood in the balcony of the tallest tower in Germany and looked upon his people, and uttered these words for the first time. They later came to be included in the country s national anthem.
d. Francoise Martin was working in the laboratory one morning. In fact, this was the day he was to discover sapionism, and re write the history of mankind. The combination he had was bubbling furiously and threatened to flow out of the burette. Martin uttered these words with a huff and puff as a final measure. And it worked!!

17)When is it the best time to throw away your underwear?

a. Elastic gets loose.
b. Throw? But why!!
c. Every two weeks and ten days.
d. *slap*

18) How many friends do you have on Orkut?

a. 500
b. 104
c. One, ha.
d. None. Whatever.

19) You have two friends A and B. Suddenly, A likes B and after a while B likes A back. When A is upset, he calls you up and asks for advice, but your call keeps getting interrupted because your friend B is on the other line. So you have to alternate between them, trying to solve things. The situation really starts to get on your nerves after a point of time. What do you do?

a. Introduce friend A to friend C and friend B to friend D.
b. Change your phone number.
c. Put them on conference, without them knowing and ensaai.
d. Kill both of them.

20) Your sweetie is-

a. My better half.
b. My better half.
c. My ball and chain.
d. He's half.

Quickly, totally up all those A's, B's, C's and D's.

More A’s – Hmmm. Interesting. The Sahara really was not always a desert. Multiply the number of b's you have with 103, the two most significant numbers indicate your luckiest day of every month. The person in your life is very lucky for you. If you think you want the person to stay in your life forever, take a picture of the Last Supper and super impose it with a picture of the Three Wise Men. Now, host a dinner party, without caterer s and give each person who comes, this superimposed photo as a give away. Also, stick to unflavored condoms and do not buy yourself or your dearest a dog. Keep away from them!

More B’s- Aha. So you're the more-b's type, eh? Let's see... Every few days you might feel like your surrounded by negative vibes, bad air and all that- cut down your potato in take. Also, mow your neighbor s lawn twice a week, kiss their (or any) dog, three times a day for the next one month and get your head shaved in a random style. If the farts still don't stop, go to a doc damnit. To improve your love life, paint your toe nails neon green if your a girl, and if you're a guy do the same and otherwise also, do the same. You might not want to venture into anything that is flavored. In fact, glow in the darks are the best option!

More C's- Stay away from dogs. They hate you. They even have a community on Orkut, beware of them. If you don't really want to live with this for the rest of your life, put a pot on the fire and add the following-

Three strands of genital hair.
3.5/4 cup of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.
2.115/6 cup of your best wine.
A fist full of the apogaiali, picked by you at the foot of the Himalayas.
Your neighbor s underwear- One piece.

Stir till broth comes to a boil. Now take two spoons of this and drink it.

The dogs will love you! You don't seem to have a problem with your love life. Just don't forget, that the minute you start doing in this real world, dropping your clothes off the minute you see a girl is really a turn-on. However, she'll only do everything you say if you have more than 100,000 scraps and at least 554.3 friends on Orkut.

D's, like da- D's are good. Only they symbolise you have a tendency of putting on weight very easily. To avoid this eat a lettuce leaf and the peel of an apple for lunch, three days a week. Streak your hair with the colors of the rainbow and don't wash them for at least a month at a stretch. This will help make your personality more colorful. If you're a guy, start wearing suspenders, they help in the control your lacking on yourself. If you're a female, yoga and meditation are good options. And to ensure that you find the love of your life, don't participate in any type of sexual activity on Mondays and Fridays between 9:01 PM to 10:53 PM. If you can do it and get yourself into a herbal bath by 10:57 PM, your increasing your chances by more than 50%.

Glad to be of help,

All my love.

The sun was setting. Finally. Soon it would be dark all around. Safe. Familiar. The only time in the day the noises seemed to almost cease, were at this time. For the barest of minutes. But they did. When the sky was changing colors from glaringly bright to something that enveloped you gladly. Something that settled around you, surrounded you. So much so that, it almost contained you. And you it.

She could hear the breeze. The birds going back to their nests. The traffic. She could hear all of it. But they’d be back again. The peace lasted for only a while. The voices would be back to torment soon.

Really? What makes you think your good? You think they really like you? Hahahahaha, your so naïve.

Think. The horn honking below on the street. The ice cream vendors bell. The aeroplane flying above. What else, what else? Think of something quick. Keep them away. Think of something good, anything…

Have you looked at yourself? I never liked you for your looks. No chance.

Something. Please, oh please. Not already. Anything. Anythi…

What bullshit. Remember that thing you were going to start this summer? That social service thing? What happened to that? I was supposed to help you, na?

It was back. His voice. She’d done the best she could by him. Everything she could. But the words he’d said were back. He'd said sorry later on. She’d listened. Just shut up and listened. From begining to end. To every word. Or so it seemed. They seemed to be etched to memory. The scorn, the anger… etched to the heart.

You know what she is? She is perfect. She’s beautiful, she respects me and she is the best. The only reason I’m talking to you, is because she wants me to.

No no no. Make them stop. Please… Not already. Think. Think harder. Sheep. Stars. Something. Coffee. Mom. Dad.… There were tears sliding down her cheeks by now.

You think your popular? That that guy really liked you? Are you nuts?

It was over. The silence. The peace. There was no point fighting. Nothing would come of pleading. There wasn’t anyone to listen her, was there?

You’re a terrible person. You’re a loser. I felt sorry for you. That’s why I stayed.

She looked up, as if expecting an answer… There were stars sprinkled across the sky now… a sight that would make even the most defeated person feel a slight tinge of what she’d always thought could only be called magic.

It only lasted for a moment. It was an illusion. ‘Didn’t even last long enough to lull a person into false security. Something was trying to squeezing her insides… the pain was unbearable.

She felt a shiver pass through her. It made her shake even harder.

God save people from best friend s like you.

She let it.

Damn. I've tried so hard to put all this into words, but it's just not happening. And it's killing me, not to.

It's there -you know, all the feelings all the emotions, I know what they are, but they just refuse to get translated into anything but the abstract.

There you go! Now you know, I really suck at writing. It was all a farce. Laugh. You win.

Ugh.

What is it with people and christmas. And even those people who have nothing whatsoever to do with the holiday?!?! Everyone goes into hyper mode, starts over analyzing, and looking at their lives with a magnifying glass. And what do you find?

You're *** many years old, alone, bills are lying about waiting to be paid and your best friend ran off with your boy friend. If not true to the hilt, close enough.

Christmas gets out of the way, and it's Valentine s day and it starts all over again... And before you know it, it's christmas again!

So, I'm not at my best, this season. *Flips hair off face in defiant gesture* So, what? No reason why I can't be a grumpy grizzly bear, is there? After all, you don't give me a reason every time you get into that state.

*Takes a calming breath*

It isn't the fact that I'm *** many years old, alone and have bills lying about waiting to be paid and my best friend ran off with my boy friend, that's making me want to stranggle someone. It's the nonsensical frenzy that people drive them selves into, come this time of the year. These times, if you may. People get all depressed and cranky and do some real crazy stuff, just 'cuz they're *** many years old, alone, have bills to pay and their best friend ran off with their boy friend. Just because. Pah.

For those of you are lucky and unlucky enough to be single or coupled(?), whichever way you want to take it, and those of you who always thought this was absolutely crazy here's me taking a bite of the humble pie, and for those of you who like me are just coming to see the light - here's some pointers and laughs, respectively.

1) You might want to not book a candlelight dinner at the hotel that's offering, as it's entertainment for the night - women bartenderes and waitresses. [as opposed to men waitresses, but of course.]

2) There's charm in red roses, chocolates and teddy bears allright - there's irratation and anger and a definite temper tantrum, in red roses, chocolates and teddy bears that your secretary ordered and you came home and worked yourself into a frenzy over until you could read the name on the cards straight and found it to sound familiar.

3) If you have a problem and want help - call the cupid helpline/ hotline - Radisson s contribution to this day and what it brings with it. And I hung on to the hope that at least the five star s won't drop their standards.

4) Taj has decided to call it's special night - the hickey night. Innovative? Impressive? Just lovvrey.

Boy/Girl: I'm taking you somewhere special tonight, sweetheart?

*bats eyelashes*

Girl/Boy: Really? Where?

Boy/Girl: Where going to The veranddah. It's going to be hickey night.

*Slap resounds*

Or maybe it's just me and my cynicism talking. You two love birds carry on.

5) Don't wear red, white, black, blue, violet, green, orange, pink or yellow colored clothes while going to college on the -day. Unless, of course, your in love and want the world to know about it. Personally, I take out my gunny bags this time of the year - even some real fadded stuff will do - no one can figure what color it is then!! *blub lights* - use Rin Advanced on some stuff you own - and then everyone will exclaim yeh naya raang kaunsa hai? Won't be troubled by what message your sending out, and... AND you get publicity!!

6) Before gifting someone with one of those things you bought at the " Buy this for your valentine, and get this1 free!! ", take off the sticker that says " But this for your valentine, and get this1 free!! " - most especially if it offers you a ticket for one to the Bahamas or a night of unlimited access to beer and the ladies of a club or a free 1 year subscription of the Playboy.

7) While on what to gift and what not to - A VLCC membership is not a good idea, no matter what your best friend told you. Also, you might want to keep this best friend away from your girl friend.

Oh get over yourselves. Stop being such big snobs. It really isn't about any of the stuff the other grumpy grizzly single people say - it's really about whats in your heart. If you do this every other day anyway, too good !! Here's another one. If you don't do this every other day, too good!! Here's your chance - bonus? Is that you have to do it only once!!

Now shhooo... Go buy someone a huge bunch of roses or candy - probiotic ice cream may be a good option too... okie okie, me will stop with the making fun. Heres hoping -

- Each of you is well loved, not only on this day, but through the year.

- Each of you finds it in yourself to thank and appreciate the people/person you love most, and make the day special enough so that it lasts till next year.

- Make plans with care. *wink*

- And most importantly, be safe!!

Not all of us are members of the Abstinence CLub in college. In fact, very few of us had the good fortune to even go to a college like the Chellamal College that HAS such a club.

Sigh. *suppresses evil grin*

Happy valentine's day!!

All my love,
SG.

Ho jao shuru what, I wanted to ask Mani sir. Throwing tomatoes? Rotten eggs? After all the 'I lovvvre it' s and the 'I lovvvre it' s from the people around me, I figured it'd be a good movie. And it HAS been getting full houses, for all of the, what? Three weeks it's been running?

Somehow the movie just didn't touch me. I mean the theme was perfect - poor kid rises up and makes his dreams come true - I thought I was going in for a gut wrenching tale of how to face hardships. I never did have a choice, as you might point out.

When I sit to think of it now, I can't figure what the movie really was about. Was it about the worst spun cloth ever? There's a lot of threads that just dangle loosely - people who just disappear into thin air during the course of the movie. The brother, the police, the righteous minister and the hammer to call a court to silence.

Weaving aside, the wife just features in all the lovey dovey scenes. Neither does she know what's really going on, nor does she do anything when she does - So, it's not a women s lib film, that's for sure.

Coming to think of it - the whole movie, I think would have to be, just, aah whatstat word? Ok? In today s world, an OK just isn't good enough. And that isn't good enough with a team like this.

I'll have to admit, however grudgingly, that it does please a person with it's wry sense of humor - the way he waits for the last minute to throw the gauntlet, would satisfy any person who appreciates sarcasm. The music, me thinks it just about the only thing that lived up to it's name.

Most memorable scene - The speech in the last scene, in front of the enquiry commission, would have to go down in history, as, not one of the worst speeches every written, but as THE worst written speech ever. By the end of which, you gather that the man has confused compliance with servility and corruption with convenience.

The man isn't even remorseful about having taken to dishonest means - hoax companies, hoax imports, production that is twice of what he has license for - none of it. Apparently, the end justifies the means.

On the other hand, even though a rang de basanti it wasn't, it did highlight the fact that the only way this country is going to get anywhere in a hurry, is by becoming street savvy. There's a lot that needs to be done out there, and the only thing that's stopping us, is what constitutes the government of the country.

Personally, I agree. I think the emergency was the one time India showed maximum growth. All this unity we boast about, comes out only when there's a match coming up or an outsider lifts a finger against one of our own. Admirable that it is, it's high time scruples became the mainstay of our lives.

Else, all we'll have in our hands will be range de created rebels and guru created businessmen. Coming to think of it, it doesn't sound too bad. Rebels and street savvy business men, to the rescue of the middle and lower classes. Except maybe I'd rather every second person in my line of vision not be wearing his underwear over his pants.

I've thought of a million ways of starting a post, over the last couple of days. I've tried funny, i've tried ha-ha funny, ha-funny, boo - scary, bah -scary?, crazy, all of that!! You name it... but nothing seemed to click. Until this.

No clue what this post would come under, but whatever it is, thank the sweet lord for it. I've always wanted to play agony aunt. And here's my first formal chance!!

Q. I found white hair in my bathroom sink this morning. I don't think they are mine, so they've got to be my husband s. What should I do?!!

Well, take them out of the sink for one, or you'll have one clogged drain. You may also take them out, after a while - in case you wanted to play with them, and swirl them around. To make things more interesting, comb your hair for a few strands of black hair and throw them in the sink too. Now you can swirl around black and white hair. But don't forget - take them out, after your done. There'll be more hair my friend, don't worry.

Q. What do you think I should wear to welcome my husband home? He's coming back after ten days. And we're kinda newly weds.

Nothing?

Q. I think my husband is seeing someone else. He comes home with a smile on his face, flowers or just a plain hug most of the time these days and we almost always make love more than twice each night. What should I do?

Get over yourself woman! If he comes home nasty, read to fight, and sleep in the guest room he doesn't love you. Other wise he's seeing someone else? Enjoy it while it lasts.

And if you really want to check, even though you'll hate yourself for it later, try checking his mail or his phone. Sigh, women!


Q. I've been lusting after my teacher for the last two months. I can't sit through her lectures without getting a hard -on, just looking at her. In my defence, she wears pretty bold stuff, and she is young! The thing is, I've made excuses to meet her after hours, in her room - notes, punishment, the likes. And she's kinda come onto me too. Actually, she HAS come on to me. I know it. Do you think if I should go for it?

Let's see... Go for it on her table? Your grading will probably be based on something else. You don't sound like an amateur, so, if you think your little major can take on the enemy...

Q. I... er.. lyk.. have .. ummm.. this, ya know, lyke... ummm problem, lyk ya know? Erm... lyk.. What ummm lyke should I lyk do?

Now here's a tough one. Try using, english words more often. For assistance, try the dictionary. Or even the newspaper. Try using each word you find, and you should be on your way!

Q. I love my boy friend. I really do. We're perfect for each other. It's just that... he broke my nail the other day!!! I mean, really really broke it. Now I have proper grown nails on nine fingers. Oh god what should I do? Help!!

Get out! He did that?!! This guy has got to go. I mean, he broke your nail! Can't take stuff like that sitting down. Stiffen up that upper lip! If you just keep quite, he'll break a toe nail next. Then what'll you do?

Q. I've sending this female so many more friend requests. I want to make friendship with her. She is keeps me up at night. She talks dirty talk and I love it. But she refuses to adding me. What should I do?

Aah. Orkut. For all you know, she's a big hairy guy. Get out of the virtual world, and find someone who actually exists.

Q. I saw this old man on a bike the other day. He was wearing a lungi. And nothing, really nothing underneath. And.. umm.. I don't think I like what I saw. Does this mean, I'm a lesbian?

Awww sweetheart! That's a terrible thing to happen. Always makes you feel sick. No I don't think that means your a lesbian, I think the man was just old. And old. Don't condemn the whole breed!!


Q. This guy in college, is soooo cute! But he doesn't know I exist! I've tried everything from parading past him to laughing real loud when he's around. But in vain. What should I do?

Maybe THAT'S why he's glad not knowing you. Jezus, where's your attitude, woman? Get on the high horse, ignore him, and definately do NOT parade around or do that shrill laugh. And he'll come and talk to you. Guys can't take being ignored.

Q. I just lost my job. I never really liked it, and I'm glad I can finally look into and decide what I really want to do. Then why am I feeling restless? Not happy?

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine once you find something to do with your time. I understand though... it can't be fun stealing pens from your own house, can it?

Q. I feel guilty about having gotten together with my boy friend after listening to a friend of mine, who gave me 10 ways to get a guy. What should I do?

Oh stop with the mind games, will ya? How about just telling the guy about it, and seeing how he reacts? You can go on from there. Take a deep breath, and charge, horns first.

Q. I think my girl friend's faking it. She makes all the right noises and stuff... but, it's just something she said the other day, that made me think. How do I find out?

There's no way you can. *evil grin*


Yours forever sthupitly.
If you have any questions or need advice, write in to sthupit girl!!

Thanks to the silence around me, I can hear the voices in my head again! Yay! It's great to have them back. Only, that sometimes it isn't.

I've always admonished people, for doing things out of only duty. Even my parents, at times. I hate, really really hate - even more than brinjals, if you may - when people say they're doing things 'cuz it's their duty. Parents go to office everyday to keep food on the table, not for satisfaction. Sometimes they even love, only because it's their duty to, not because they do love you.

It's really one of my greatest fears. And is, I think the biggest force that holds me back. Duty. Doing things out of a sense of duty. Point is, these voices in my head have finally cleaned my ears of all the wax and cobwebs that there were and MADE me face the fact that the very thing in life that I'd decided was needed to make life worthwhile was, in fact, what I was keeping away from.

I am not quite doing anything out of duty, presently. But then, I'm also not quite doing anything, at all. And that's the sad part. For all the times I've barked, literally, at people and made them gather their wits about them and get on with life, I really am just not doing anything. Not now, at least.

Holding me back was also coming so close in contact with death. Death, up until now had been something that happened to people you didn't know. What happens after it? One option, like some wise person said would be you stealing my identity, robbing me off all my money and running a drug ring from my house. Another one would have to be - nothing. You just turn into dust. Yet another would be- just existing. I could go on - point is : It all happens in a matter of seconds. All of the stuff you've done, lived for, feel for - all gone. Just like that. And then, what?

It's an abstract state of mind. I don't know how to explain it without sounding crazier than I am.

Blah.

But then I think to myself, we'll deal with it when it comes. Why worry about something you have no idea about? And can't have an idea about? Sure, it's scary. But on some level, even that's good. Helps keep your feet on the ground.

What it is that I think really determines if your living or just existing?
It's the simple zing you feel zip through you. If doing something, being with someone doesn't give you that zing, then you really aren't doing what you want to. Your doing that duty thing again. And hence, wasting life.

The voices in my head are also telling me that if a person comments on this post at least twice he/she will get a call from the person they've been secretly crushing on. And that it's time for me to go feed ourselves with chocolate ice cream.

Nuff said.

Yours forever sthupitly.