'always thought it'd be tough to sit in a restaurant and eat alone. Self conscious that I am, I figured it was high time I got over at least that one part. So, I did exactly that. In a five star no less. Shoo ed my dad to go eat with his colleagues, and not feel obliged to give me company, and ate all by myself. Was pretty amused with myself. And hell! I AM good company.

You know that thing they say about becoming clumsy the minute you see someone cute? It's true. So what if the guy you think is a hunk is married and probably at least 6 years elder than you?!! And he WAS cute. You don't hear me say that too often, so believe you me. He was.

Only, the plane as a VT and hence, small. And therefore I had to fall in his seat before I could get to mine- and darn it, but he wasn't sitting in it. Sigh. I'm usually well coordinated, I swear! But my sis wanted cake from Hydbd and hence I had this massive bag in my hand, and that's why I fell. But whatever, he was cute.

To say the least this sudden trip to Hyderabad was, eventful. I guess I just needed to get out, get called "one of the hardest cases I've ever handled" (Yes yes, as hard as it is to believe I'm absolutely fiene- need only one more check up in 8 months) and get awesome yummy chocolate cake and eat lunch by myself.

My world's almost righted itself. Almost. And yeah, I let the car just whiz past me. Weak moment, got tired of fighting.

All my love.

It was nearing. I kept my eye on it as it made it's way through the traffic.

They don't get it. None of them. I give it my very best... 'Try to be the person whose thought will bring nothing but happy smiles to your face.

I never intended for you to swear at me. To hate me.

I just wanted a few nice words. Like I was important.


Bright red, and going at 120kmph.

I get great grades. I'm right up there in the top 5. I don't lie to you.

I've always only wanted to make you proud.

Still, all you see are my faults. I was telling you what I happened at college today, and you just looked through me. When I was done, you filled the silence by telling me to find some hobby. Do something. Like all my cousins were.

It'd be great to be under it.

I so wish you'd feel what I feel for you. You know that surging feeling that threatens to envolope you, and you want it to? Because it's a happy feeling? And you just know, that that's what you want to feel everyday of your life. So, you give your best, each day?


I'd probably hear my bones crunch, before the pain would make me numb.

Maybe seeing me suffering, you'd feel it. Maybe this is how I'll have paid for every wrong I've done. Finally.


This was it. I could see the number plate.It was now or never.

It's just respect you know. I don't want to be better than her, more important than her, lesser than her or less important than her.

I don't want to be the person you call only when she isn't talking to you. I don't want to be the person whose left to stare at the phone willing it to ring, because she's now back in your life.

I just want to be me, and want that to be just perfecto.


Crunch.

I think twice before I speak. I think twice before I act. I stuff down food, 'cuz I know else it'll worry you. I eat up happy words when I know you've had a bad day, and stand by you while you deal with it. I eat up sad words when I know you've had an awesome day, and smile with you. I think ten times before I smile.

And still, I'm pleaded with to eat because it was made specially for me.

Comfortably numb.

Finally.

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Absolutely fictitious. Any resemblance to people living or dead and instances is purely coincidental.

If you didn't understand a word, your fiene. If you did, you're visiting too often, it's getting to you.

He liked it! He liked it! He liked it!

Phew.

That was a whole week of holding my breath. And that's what's been keeping me soo busy. One of my bestest friends- Rahul - cutest guy in the whole world ( Even all the lady teachers had a crush on him! Oh who am I kidding, the men folk too). He's got the softest hair, the best smile and he's an awesome person. Anyway, as I was saying, he had to undergo surgery around this time last year and the months after that just kept making things tougher... chemo, medicines, he lost a full year at college, weighed only thirty five something.

I was scared speechless. It was like someone had cut off my oxygen supply - till I found out he was out of the woods. Even then, it refused to register that he was ill. Rahul. Raghul. Gulgul. Ill. Sick.

And I'm so proud of him, when I look at him today. He's been so brave, so strong, it's amazing. And that's what I wanted my gift to him to symbolize. And that's when I got one of those brainwaves I have- and I decided to make him a scrap book. Damn I wish I'd taken a pic before I gave it to him, but I was so darn busy making sure it was perfect.

Anyway what I did was this- I burnt paper to make it look all yellow and weathered. Dug mine and all my friend s photo albums for the most embarassing pictures of all of us, scanned them, printed them, cut and stuck them. Then I got everyone I could get hold of, no matter in which state, got them to give me a message to write for Rahul and wrote all of it in my best handwriting. The guys who are here, in town - I hounded, got hold of and held at gun point till they'd written ( Then they held me at gun point, 'cuz of all the pics I'd put only to realize that the gun wasn't loaded *evil laugh*).

And that was that. I didn't think a guy would like such a senti gift- according to my ma whose borne with many such attacks to be bothered by my wanting to trash the thing I've made, start all over, crib, fish, etc it's a regular thing. So now they just ignore me. Sigh. Anyway, he liked it! I'd say love it, but then me is me. Me won't change. Me will always doubt.

But, he liked it!

So that's what I've been so busy with. I haven't had time to breathe. It's one of those murphy's things- I had three EXAMs, 4 assignments -all that cropped up on Monday, to be done by Friday. Lol, it was fun. Anyway, will write sense soon,

Much love.

I doubt you'll ever read this. At least not until I leave it as a part of my "will and last testament" to be given to you. And that's very well. Your ego don't need no more bloating.

We aren't the type of friends who talk each day, share secrets or cling. We meet up to talk about mundane stuff, drink coffee and make fun of Hrimesh. You were the daring and outspoken to my shy and introvert. The dynamic to my simple. You were the yin to my yang. Dark to my white. Tall to my not-so-tall. You get the idea.

Yet, each time I got kicked, you were there to pick me up. Every time I got bitten, you held my hand while the wound was cleaned. And then crushed my hand with every injection. When I needed strength you were there, 6 pack and all. When a fight was what I needed, you gave as good as you got. When I needed assurance, you hugged. When I needed the truth, you gave it without even a moment's hesitation. And when I needed silence, you took me to a sound proof room, no questions asked. I never had to ask you, you just understood.

You called me lady, because you knew I loved it. You replied to every message, returned every call. Ate every lunch of mine. Treated me as an equal player even when I was the only girl on the court. I was always in your team first. Never forgot to give a compliment. Never forgot to give a smile.

But you are like that. To an outsider you're the basketball champ, the "cool dude", the dangerous. To people who know you better, your the guy whose fair and just. Who can coax a smile even from the most shy. Who can make even a sofa blush.

Your the type of person I'd expect to give me fairy dust if I came to you asking you if you thought that magic didn't exist either, because that's what the others were saying. You'd look deep into my eyes, never once faltering and in a steady voice tell me " Of course they do!!" And do some serious damage to the other people s faces.

I sat each day, for a long time, wondering if miracles and angels did exist. I'd read about them, I wanted to believe in them, I just didn't know if it was the right thing to do. If they were just things people used to pin all their hopes on, just because they needed something to? Or did they really exist?

Today, even though it's for something very small, I know you are mine. Miracle and angel.

Fiene, Gabriel if you must.

Technicalities. Men! Sigh.

There's no way to say it, and hence I'll resort to the simplest. Thank you.

All my love.

So, I don't take compliments well. More often than not you'll find me brow beating you into admiting you were just sweet talking me, instead of being gracious. Do NOT barf, I could be gracious.

It's a hang up thing with me. Once bitten, twice shy kinda thing. It's like champagne bubbles bubbling. It's like the joy a full moon night gives you. Or the sound of the first rain drops. Or like the smell after the rain. Hot coffee. Chocolate. That's what a compliment does to me.

But I tell myself to cut it out, and not believe in it. 'Cuz more often than not, the person will get angry and throw it all back on your face.

Yes, I know, jeez, woman. But nonetheless, I love it. You can't make the bubbles stop. And hell, even if you could, the whole bravado thing is a facade. Fooling yourself, really never works, so why try over something this nice?

Who wouldn't like a compliment, tell me? No sane person. And no insane person either. Everyone loves to be appreciated. Whether you outwardly agree with me, or don't is another issue.

Artist, that I am, I hardly ever find something/one "ugly". And I don't hesitate to let the other person know. The trick is in, saying it like you mean it. And more than that, saying it only when you mean it. It's a mean thing to lie about such a thing. Really.

Don't lose patience with a person who reacts the way I do. Don't give up. It's like dealing with a frightened animal. Sounds crazy talking about myself like a third person, but whoever promised you otherwise?

Point I'm making is, that I've been there, done that. With a frightened animal. When it's my turn to be like that, everyone has their days buster, an impatient person is not on the prescription.

Courtsey the chai shop opposite The Taj.

I rose to the smell of water in the air… with a smile on my face. It’s a rarity, you know…after working 6 days in a week from 7 in the morning to 5 in the evening? And then not getting home before 6. But yesterday, not even the thought of my first lecture being E.Mech, succeeded in dampening my spirits.

There were clouds in the sky… and a cool breeze blew. It was an absolutely delightful change to the scorching heat. And anyone who knows me, knows I love the rain. I love getting wet in the rain.

With a skip in my step, and a smile still stuck on my face, I set off for college. It was going to rain!!

And rain it did. I think I surprised a few people by almost dancing on the road J… it was going to be an absolutely superb day.

I sent my daily dose of “gumorning, have a lovely day” messages to my friends while on the bus. I have to use the local buses to travel to college everyday.

It’s a constant adventure to me. I love observing people. At times when the bus is crowded, you find these ladies grumbling and pushing and you can’t help but smile…and looking at your smile, they realize that everyone was in the same position as them. On their toes, and making space for more people. And then you watch a smile creep onto their faces. If I’m traveling with a friend, I’m a constant amusement to people around me, ‘cuz I’ll usually be trying to learn Tamil. And then of course there are those times when I have to try and talk to someone who knows only Tamil…Not to forget the poor conductors who are totally whacked out by the end of the day… they over use that damn whistle of theirs. I think it’s a conspiracy to make you deaf… and mind you, I’ve never been accused of being paranoid.

Anyway, as luck might have it. I was running late, on the very day, I HAD to be on time.

Finally my connecting bus came… Over crowded, as luck might have it (again). But, even that didn’t spoil my mood that day. After all, I had just gotten wet in the rain. The smell of rain water on the ground has a way of creeping on to you. It’s as good as getting drunk and wanting to let go. Of making you think of all the good. Of making you want to sing and snuggle. Of pakodas and garam chai.

I was waiting to get to college… My friends and I would ultimately end up bunking the first lecture and sitting in the canteen, enjoying the rain… whatever little there was of it. We’d have sat and talked about our dreams… Of how things weren’t that bad, after all. That there was hope, after all.. About that special someone we could have cuddled up with ;)

I was brought out of my fantasy when I felt your breath on my neck. So close. I had been through this before. And all I could think of was Oh God. Not again, please.

I felt you push into me from behind. I felt you try to get closer. And I felt the nausea build up.

The smell of cheap liquor and sweat surrounded me. Please, NO! I wanted to yell, at you.

I turned to look… and I saw you looking straight ahead, as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to slap you, I wanted to yell. But, nothing came out…

And then you tried to get even closer.

I pushed ahead, as far as I could. I tried to get away from your touch. From your presence. Nothing helped.

When you got off the bus… I felt myself relax a little. And then you turned and looked. I had to make and effort to steady myself. To not let myself be affected by the dirt in your eyes.

By the time I got off the bus, I felt dirty. The rain didn’t help. All I wanted to do was go home and have a bath. I was disgusted. And dirty.

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Eve teasing is an offence. Please discourage it. Ignore the technicalities if you must, it's offensive and disgusting.

I don’t expect anyone to think of me as their sister or mother, but to really look at women as citizens who have every right to be out on the streets, without any explanation. Sometimes we just love to walk, stand around, hang around, without looking ‘avaliable.’

P.S: I wrote this some time last year, but I'm republishing it as a part of the Blank Noise Project s (a cause I support) Women's Day Celebrations. Feel free to comment, and do bisit their blog site. It's a cause worth supporting.