So, tomorrow is D day.

Everyone around me seems to be more confident than I ever will be about this whole thing.

Good thing with me is, I start freaking out around a week before things are to actually happen- which means I've gotten it all "out of my system" by then.

True, that doesn't guarantee a good nights sleep today considering nothing I've spent the past week studying is going to be asked tomorrow and everything that I haven't spent time practicing will.

Will not go down without a fight however.

Wish me luck!

All my love.

So, I have exactly three days to go before I sit for my "placements". Three days and an hour to be precise. Which, I find comfort in being, considering that it adds a whole hour to the time I have left before the biggest debacle of this year, in my life.

Sigh.

Yes, like you can see, I'm freaking out. And this is when I'm sitting for a job, that I don't even want. I mean, I want it in the sense that I want to get accepted. I don't want it in the sense that I don't intend on ever joining there unless of course CAT is the second biggest debacle of my life (not this year) and I have to write GMAT which won't turn out to be the third biggest debacle of my life (and the third of the year) which would require me to have worked for at least two years before applying for an MBA. Which would be worth anything only if my score meant getting into the top 5 universities.

Which, I'm sure, you all know, how capable and deserving I consider myself to be of. Bad things come in three's right? Well, here's the perfect opportunity. I think I'll palpitate to death before Monday even comes.

Fact is, even while I love the subjects that I've put under my "Areas of Interest", I remember surprisingly little of the minute details, WHICH is what the interviewer will ask of me. IF I get to the interview round, which looks nice and tough because the written has its set of technical questions too. And best part is, section wise cut offs. Yay me, if I haven't said it before.

Which is followed by a GD (this is where they throw out like 60% of the short listed candidates), after which will come two rounds of interviews. And while the technical part is scaring me, the HR is scaring me even more!

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

I've got to get back to my books. Have yourselves a pleasant weekend!

All my love.

This is what I end up doing when I REALLY REALLY have to study.

From the moment we get up to the time our heads hit the pillow at night- we ask ourselves questions. Some questions we're too scared to ask. We know the answers to others, and ask them anyway- because we need to hear the words. The thing we don't realize is, is that when the answers are different from the ones we expect, even the ones with good answers, THAT is the moment that brings us happiness.

Right.

Way too much thought into that. I wish I could put it better, but I'm feeling too much levity.

Reason?

If one must pin point, then I'd have to say, it was a trip back to school that's brought a smile on this face. Funny thing though, it wasn't one that included friends and sitting in my old classroom and just being kids again. Ok, so you can take off the "again" in that sentence, but you get the idea.

This one was just me. Involved judging (third time in a row). It's amazing to see how people still remember you. I'm so proud of my sister. Because more than just being remembered for me, I think I'm remembered because of her for me.

It was so funny. I was in the classroom where the competition was taking place (the one that I had to judge) just fooling around the my sis and her friends and this kid from the back of the class looks at me and signals asking who the judges were and when they would come!!

I got to school early and so went and sat in the auditorium with some of my sister's other friends who were compering for the event that was going on. This guy, also an ex student of some other school, around my age, went onto stage to announce the winners of the event he had being called to judge and he says, "Before I announce the results, I've got only one thing to say - KALANJALI ROCKS". And you will not believe, but it was like I was back at school, an organizer myself, because you wouldn't have found me sitting all prim and proper clapping my hands at this comment- I was right THERE with the others yelling and cheering.

Everyone started cheering when my bio was being read! When I had to go up on stage to announce the results of the event I had come for, and told them current BVMites how they had outdone themselves this year, there was even more cheering. And the judges of the event that we had to disturb to make these announcements sat with puzzled faces wondering who this new celebrity was. Only to find out that the cheering was because I was one an ex student, and two because I was a sister.

I realize how "old" I've become only on occasions like these, when I go back to school, and I'm NOT in my school uniform. Thankfully, my teachers still look on me as "not old" and don't "thank me for taking out time to come back to school" with the mementos, and in fact admonish me for not coming unless invited! The mementos in haven't changed in the three years that I've been out, and I have three cups with "BVM" on them, to prove just that :D

I wish everyone had been there with me. It would have made for an even more perfect memory!! There will be other times, I tell myself. There will be other times.

Hope your day was as good as mine,

All my love.

-------------------
Singing-

I´m gonna organize some changes in my life
I´m going to exorcise the demons of my past
I´m gonna take your car and hit the open road
I´m feeling levity just open up and go

I just feel like I can do anything
But all my life I´ve wished to be
I´m going to decide just what I wanna be
Make my wildest dreams come true

I FINALLY managed to sit down and study today!! And not for five minutes, but a whole two and a half to three hours!! And I intend to put in the same amount in the night. It's a change to not being able to call myself a laggard.

Laggard, comes from "lag" and hence is hence what Joey calls a "freebie". It refers to a person who is lazy. 'Could also be used to call someone a slowpoke or a loafer. (Which is NOT how I used it when I was refering to me :D) In share markets, it's used to refer to a stock which is underperforming.

Which also means that holidays are officially over for me. I had a month, which is more than I had planned to spend- and hence, now it is time to make up for it. I really don't sound as excited as I am at the prospect. Really. Pinky swear. Oh wait, I can't lie then! *takes it back, takes it all back*

It IS a different sort of excitement. Which I really will describe when verbosity is not an issue. The reason of the "excitement" though, is pretchy simple- An excellent CAT score, and ultimately an admission into one of the IIMs, which for me will mark the start of halcyon times.

Halcyon derives from Latin (h)alcyon, from Greek halkuon, "a mythical bird, kingfisher." This bird is one that is fabled to nest at sea about the time of the winter solstice and calm the waves during incubation.

We use the word as an adjective to mean "serene, calm, peaceful, undisturbed" in "deep halcyon repose". Or to mark "peace and prosperity" as in "halcyon years" which is how I have used it.

We're probably the funniest family on the planet- we write emails to talk to each other. And it's not like we reside at opposite ends of the planet- we live under the very same roof. Whatever the means, I've said what I had to say. And am finally, pleasantly, relieved.

"This dark, opprobrious den of shame," states Milton. Opprobrium>,the noun form of the word, hence, refers to reproach or disgrace that is caused by something outrageously shameful.

F.D.Roosevelt uses a synonymous word infamy to mark a date as, "a date which will live in infamy". The opposite of which when used with respect to people means roughly translates to celebrity.

Speaking of shamefulness an obloquy is the usage of abusive/ slanderous/ censorious language used to defame a person. It's easier to remember than opprobrious because it derives from two very simple roots- ob which means "against" + loqui "to speak" .

Addison uses it in the same way when he asks "Shall names that made your city the glory of the earth be mentioned with obloquy and detraction?"

And with that, me childrens, good night.

Turns out, having too many songs at your disposal, isn't ALL that great. Because by the time you find just the "right" song, you're ready to move on. You get a Ben E. King "Stand by me" when you want to pound on something, and a Beatles "All you Need is Love" when THAT emotion is the last thing you want to even think about. You get the idea. I'm telling you, I spend most of my time just pressing the next button. Even with a shuffle on!

Also, The Happening, IS not all that you're hoping it will be. Here's a brilliant review on the same.

Words for the day?

1. I might refer to the general conviction and the common sense of society that such an investment cannot be treated as absolutely idle and nugatory.
Nugatory therefore refers to something that is trivial, ineffective, futile, something trifling.


2. Rannygazzo- is an awesome word I found in one of the Wodehouse s I was recently reading. It refers to "nonsense". For example, let's not pay attention to all that rannygazzo.

3. Picaresque is something that is of or pertaining to rogues or adventurers. Just like an article is picturesque when it talks about a beautiful scenery or to be precise describes a painting, picaresque comes from Spanish picaresco, from picaro, that means rogues and hence, the book on Robinhood is picaresque novel.

Hope you had a happy Monday!!

So, I've finally gotten my first "perfume", and feel all grown up and lady like- a statement which prompted my mom to admit that the other day when I'd gotten all dressed up to go out, she thought I still looked eight. And THIS is when I'm dressed up.

Sigh. I think it's the smile and the dimples. Whatever. Point is, I got me perfume! Playboy nonetheless. My sis seems to have some sort of a fascination with "playboy"- not that I am complaining, because I love it. So, thank you.

And mom, in case you're reading this- a perfume is NOT a substitute for the laptop you promised me if I ever made it across the 9.5 mark- which I did, by a whole 1.625 if I may point out.

Today, there are no words. Because, it's SUNDAY!! And also, because I happened to read the newspaper today- front and back. And guess what I found? Another one of those articles on the Law and Rape Victims- what I think can be summarised into the following points:

1. THESE articles should be in the MAIN PAPER and not in some supplement to be used as space fillers. Because, some power- hungry-wanting-to-win-the-peoples-vote politician might just read one of these, and want to do something about how the law deals with such cases.

2. On second thought, maybe THAT's why the newspaper guys put it in the supplement. So that, some power- hungry-wanting-to-win-the-peoples-vote politician might just read one of these. Or have it read to him. I haven't been giving the newspaper guys their dues.

3. Yes, I know the word for newspaper guys is journalist. No, I didn't have to look google up to figure that out. I just didn't think they deserved the title.

4. Moving on, to all you ladies out there (DO NOT tell me if your reaction to that was "out where?!" and a cheesy grin) BE CAREFUL.

I've grown up around family that mostly advocates "don't talk to strangers", and so have probably the youngsters of more than half of the world. But point is, "don't talk to strangers" is just not feasible. Hence, don't talk to people two types of people- people who sound too smooth and those who make you uncomfortable.

That should narrow things down a bit. But then again, these days the bad guys know THIS, and hence the wolves will actually be the "sweet lil baccha type" things. Or not, since they're figured out that you might have figured all of that out, and hence will be one of the two types that I formerly mentioned.

Ok, I'll stop. You see where I was going with that. Moral of the story- Be smart. Not, like my friend on Splitsvilla Varun says, over smart.

Hope you had a pleasant weekend, and have a not horrible Monday (like those exist). I, WILL have one that IS not horrible, though I don't think holidays count when you debate the whole horrible Monday thing.

All my love.

It's Friday the 13th, and I feel like writing.

Why is that a problem?

It's not a problem, it's just spooky.

*is singing How to Save A Life*

There's exactly one reason why I'd love to visit the states, other than "seeing the world"- it's to raid all the art shops they have. The fabric, the paper, the other tiny little accessories that make all the difference!!!

If you happen to be a member of any of these blog communities, you really should take the time to stop by the ones which are tagged with "Scrap booking" and if you're not, then you really should join one. People live such wholesome lives, and I keep thinking mine will be that way one day too. Only, I wonder why it can't be that way today?

I surprised myself with more wrong answers than right in a recent mock CAT, which is why henceforth, even if I have nothing to write- you will find a post on "word of the day", every day, at the very least. Verbal was supposed to be my strongest part!! Anyway, today's are actually very simple and appear in the newspapers alot-

1. The author has established the nexus between politicians and bureaucrats.
Nexus comes from nectere or to bind. It's mostly used to define a connection based on money between two or more parties.

2. The paperwork got lost in a quagmire of bureaucracy.
A quagmire hence represents a tangle (here) or a predicament of sorts.

3. Cassandra is used to refer to somebody who makes predictions which are never believed but turn out to be true.

According to Greek Mythology, Cassandra was the daughter of King Priam of Troy and his queen Hecuba, who captured the eye of Apollo and was granted the ability to see the future,as a gift from him. Love turned sour, and since he couldn't take the gift back he "extended" his gift so as to see to it that she would be destined to never be believed.

Moral of the story, my teacher informs me us, *wagging a suggesting finger towards the guys* is to be careful with what you give to your girl friends.

---------------

As can be seen, I'm almost back to normal. So, be nice, and visit more often and let me know what you think!!

Lotsaluv always.

Yes, another template change. That one was WAY too colorful and "flowery" for my tastes. Plus I think it's high time I stopped trying to "cheer things up" and accept what everyone is accepting. Sad part is that even as I say it, I don't want to give up or give in or both. I want to do it right. Get it done. Close doors to the past. Embrace the future. Fly on a cloud.

"Our lives begin to end the day we start keeping silent about things that matter."

Does it really? Begin to end that day? What about the day, when you've bled yourself dry TELLING people about things that really matter, and STILL see no sign of acknowledgement or change?

When do parents stop listening? When do they start filtering so that they hear just what they like? When even laying things down like they are, crying your heart out in front of them bring out no

I've cried.

I've yelled.

I've put into words everything YOU were supposed to have seen for yourself. That you should have gathered by reading between the lines. That you should have heard, when I was trying to talk. I made it easier for you, I spelt it out. Not once, not twice, not a hundred- but at least ten times.

And still you continue to ignore the fact that there IS something wrong. I know, that there is. I even know WHAT it is. But somehow, you seem to think that it's all a figment of my over active imagination- even after you've seen the pain written on my face.

You haven't even TRIED to change your ways. You haven't tried to lessen the burden that I carry. You haven't started talking more, snipping less. You haven't started sharing more, complaining less. You haven't started letting me live more, letting yourself live more.

Every self derogatory remark you've passed- I've considered my responsibility. I've even made it my business to see that you don't have to ever repeat it. What about the ones I've made about myself? What have you done with those?

I've had to sit and write letters to you, so that you could KNOW what I really had to say. WHY I was doing what I was doing. WHY I wasn't doing what I wasn't doing. HOW I realized what I wanted to do.

At first I thought it was all in my head. That reading too many books, had imprinted on my mind what "happily ever after" would look like. But as I've grown, I've realized that everyone has their own versions of "happily ever after". There are no definite s. And hence, when you never asked what I wanted from life, when you never asked why I wanted what I did want; what made me choose one value over another; what made me choose the design for the kitchen I wanted in my dream house- I figured it was okay. I wondered. I hoped that you would ask, yes. But I also made excuses for you.

The other day, when my aunt asked me what my house would look like, when she actually listened to it, and told me that I would not only have all of that, but more, something in me died. Another part of me died.

And still, instead of blaming you, or cursing you, I sit here hating myself for even actually putting all of this down on paper, even as I do. With every word that I type, I'm making excuses for you. Justifying your actions. Telling myself, that you are just different parents. Everyone is different.

Should I be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, be doing that? Should I, a twenty year old, have been doing that for the better part of my life?

I don't know what an achievement feels like. I don't know what a million other feelings, that I should have felt by now, feel like. I know what they are SUPPOSED to feel like, but I haven't felt them.

Don't get me wrong. I've felt happiness, yes. But not at the usual you-bought-me-an-ipod for my birthday happiness, as you would expect a normal child to feel. I've felt happy on the odd day that you both have spoken to each other. I've felt happy and safe on the odd day that I've walked into your room in the morning, to see you two snuggled up together. On the odd occasion that I've seen you poke fun at each other.

Do you see where all this is wrong? Do you see a twenty year old anywhere in all of this? No, I didn't think so.

I'm NOT supposed to ACCOMODATE your feelings, YOU are supposed to accomodate MINE. I'm NOT supposed to be watching my words, YOU are supposed to be watching yours- to protect me. You are supposed to be protecting me from getting hurt, instead of the other way.

-----------------------

It seems important to get all of this down on paper once and for all- because unless I'm using my hands to key in what the voices in my head are saying, I'm suffocating. I've tried. I've tried a million times to be fair to you- and not give words to what these voices are saying- because it would seem almost like I'm disrespecting you, or what you stand for. I'm not.

But if you really are the roles that you have been given to play, then you will understand why this was necessary. I love you. I just wish I didn't have to act grown up all the time.

This seems to be another one in my series against the trash (however comical and liable to give you THE splits (only makes sense, to make that sound like a disease))(I think this is the first time I've used braces inside braces. Hmmm) that is on T.V. these days. Today's special- Splitsvilla.

Official tag- a new romance-based reality show, where Love is War. Jezus. 20 "hot" girls compete for two "hot" guys. The winner finds not only "love" but a nice 5 lac rupees AND a chance to host a show on T.V. All the bindings of true loue, wouldn't you say?

One of the guys is a skinny short shit who got thrown out of Roadies. Another can't be shot down on account of being short or skinny, but is another person who got kicked out of Roadies, and couldn't compete with a termite on account of intelligence.

Both of them, sit on their toadstools and shoot out stuff like "So-and-So you're confy, that's good. But being over confy is bad." (to which the So-and-So in question nods her head vigorously to show her assent) and to another So-and-So "You've played well. Very well. But this isn't a game to us". My pretty ass it's not.

They girls who weren't "dumped" were the ones who'd managed to win the hearts of our two lonesome bachelors by dancing on the top of a table amongst other things. True love = ability to dance on table tops. One poor lil darling who announced she enjoyed philosophy, kinda threw the axe on her own foot, because our desperately- looking- for- love guys wouldn't know how to even spell that word. Oh and by the by, guess what each of them said in their intros- we're looking for girls with a sense of humor. Which in turn obviously implies intelligence.

And MTV should obviously be revered for the great oppurtunity they're offering us people. For the stage that they have set, obviously invites nothing but the most intelligent of people. Announcing, and eagerly waiting to prove how "bold" they are. Top notch brains of the country, my friend, absolute top notch.

I can understand something along the lines of trying to find true love through television- there's something similar on Travel and Living, I forget the name. But having 20 girls fight for you? 18 girls whom you "dump" while on this quest, because they refuse to dance on table tops or don't stand on the roof and shout "I'm daring, try me". 2 girls whom you choose based on their style of dressing, and what moves(yes, plural) when they dance?

Enchanted. Absolutely enchanted.

So, television is my latest source of amusement. You don't even have to be following a particular show or season to dissolve into fits of laughter. All you have to do is flip through channels.

Today's flipping resulted in something striking- There's some reality show on MTV called TVS Scooty Ms Teen (or something along those lines). Apparently everyone likes to watch and hear crabby teenagers who are tested on their bitchiness and gossipy flair.

Anyway, they have this "voting out" round, in which, once the "safe" contestants have voted for whom they wish to "save" from the ones in the "danger zone"- the girls who were in the danger zone are made to sit on a TVS Scooty each. Guess what happens next?

The VJ who is hosting that particular episode, hands them keys. Only one of which will start a bike. And the person whose bike starts, is safe.

Beat that on the lame- meter.