Diwali for mom.------------>

Buy the women in your lives flowers- they're gorgeous to look at, not expensive, and don't need an occasion to be presented on. And the joy such a simple gesture could bring, it's brill.

May the light of the lamps bring to you only good things. To the south indians, happy diwali. To the north indians, have a happy diwali.

All my love

<--- Totally my doing.

... that feeling when you just want to bend over, hug yourself hard and wail? Cry so hard breathing becomes difficult. When something that is so much larger just squeezes your insides and breaks you.

I was so sure this was it. This was the end of this whole mess I'd created. This whole mess I'd convinced myself I'd created. That this would be what could free me of the burden I carry around. That it would.

The part of me that hadn't already curled up and hidden itself away, wants to weep now. The part that hadn't already gone into self preservation mode wants to stand on the roof of the tallest building and scream- wants me to give in too, to give up.

This part of me wants me stop right here. Wants me to accept that the mistakes I made ARE really as big as they've seemed on my worst days when they really aren't. I KNOW that logically. But I need to FEEL it to believe it, to be free, to be sane again. The part that wants me to stop is a really big part.

I'll be safe, if I do. But I'll have settled for less that I deserve. Less than what I think I deserve.

So, for now I'm not. I know I should. I know I should just shut down and put up the "CLOSED" sign. I know. But I couldn't.

I just read the title I'd entered, and if you read it without pausing at the comma, or not venture further and read the post, it sounds damn funny.

For someone who hasn't hated another person ever(Yes, never), for someone whose hatred extended to only brinjals till now, this rush of anger towards her country comes as a gargantuan shock that is accompanied by uneasiness. Specially, when this "she" is so determined to only look at the upside of things.

I crumpled today mornings Hindu and stamped on it too. This was after I'd read the first para on the front page on the "support that Tamil Nadu has shown for the Sri Lankan tamils". Support, my ass.

The "youth" from my college who took part in this "human chain" formation on a day when Chennai was flooded, had been locked up in college and later hog tied into forming a part of this chain. Locked, literally not figuratively. Hog tied, literally not figuratively.

After which by the by, I spent four hours getting home from college. FOUR FUCKIN' hours. Traffic inched every half an hour, all the way from Parrys to Chrompet. Over ever fuckin' flyover. And every "back road" there exists across residential areas. On top of that an irritating female on the bus hogged my seat, so I had to stand. Wet, hungry and hence low on sugar, standing. Four hours. Hitting head on the pole helped a little. If I hadn't had my I-pod with me, I'd have considered trying to suicide myself by jumping into the river that had formed at Guindy.

He could have done this chain forming along the damn beach- we have one of the longest beaches in Asia, after all. He could have formed the damn chain after issuing a bandh of some sort. He could have done ANYTHING that did not involve making people stand in the pouring rain, blocking 75% of the city at rush hour, for over ten hours.

THIS is not how you show support for anything. By making an issue as sensitive as this a political game, is not how you put in your two cents towards resolving it. THIS is why India should come a bi-party government. THIS is why coalition governments are more dangerous than the ones that are run by one party.

All you do DO is make people like me who believed there was hope, turn into bigger cynics.

SG.

The slight drizzle we had yesterday prompted the government to take swift action and declare a holiday for schools and colleges. No sooner than it struck ten that the sky cleared up. It would to be seven o' clock in the evening before the Gods decided to weep again.

It poured cats and dogs all night leaving the city in knee deep water. It continued to pour other animals too, so much so, that knee deep soon became chest- hurting- can't-see-a-thing-umbrella-flying-drive-at-15-kmph four hours of rain that just refused to let up.

Still with smiles on our faces, wet to our bones we turned up promptly at eight thirty of the pre-placement talk at CEG ( both my college and CEG have placements together at CEG, we're one university now)- Google was coming! Sure, only a handful of us would get in, but it'd be a super cool experience. It was google after all!

They started their ppt at around ten ish- two phrases that I would take back with me from that one hour I spent with them, because of their frequent occurence as part of the "culture at google" were- "work ethic" and "do not be evil". The Professor in charge very kindly read out the names of students elligble to attend the first round of screenly- no MIT student was short listed. Criteria to attend the company- CGPA above 8. Did I have that much? Yes. I have 9.1 Did the fifteen other people with me meet with their criteria? Yes, each and every one of them did.

Supremely pissed off and thinking that the professors in charge had taken their partiality towards CEG students too far, I asked the guy in charge why none of our names were on the list. To quote him, "MIT students are not elligible." To make sure the decision was of the company and not the University office, I approached the HR person who'd come (I was on a roll by then)-

Me: "Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to ask you a question, if that's alright."
She: " Yes, of course."
Me: "Was it your decision to not shortlist MIT students or the colleges'?"
She: "It was ours."
Me (sweetest voice ever):" Can we please know what the reason behind this decision was?"
She: "I've discussed it at length with your professors and I would rather he explained it to you."
Me: "Sure, thank you ma'am."

Within five minutes, I was on my way to college with the rest of my friends. The university had NO bleddy right to allow a company that discriminated against a department of its just because it was located on a different campus. We have the same exams, same rules, same VC. Not an affiliated college. Not an autonomous college anymore. We are a part of the damn university.

Walked straight into my HODs room and gave her the details. Another five minutes and we were talking to the Vice Chancellor (what a day for him to be visiting our college).

We were informed some time later, that he had been in the know how. Some student from my batch had tried to approach the company directly, and they were pissed off about it and had brought it to his notice. Utter bull shit. And that's what we told our HOD. She promised us she would follow the matter up, but that it would take time, and to not worry.

Point at the end of the day was- we'd lost an opportunity. One that wasn't coming back any time soon.

Only, for probably the first time in the history of a governmental institution action was taken within hours. We were to find out in the evening, that the VC on returning to his offices, had cancelled the company.

I feel sorry for the students who had been shortlisted and were attending their interviews by that time. Our only intention was to be told why and how this need for segregation arose, and why and how it was being allowed.

I'm ecstatic also. You should have seen us. HOD in front, me and two three of us who had represented the issue next, and my entire class behind us, umbrellas out we marched across college to meet the VC. It was like leading a revolution. And in some ways it was. One that we won.

Only, I'm slightly disappointed my weapon of choice will be known as an umbrella.

------------
P.S. Two goverment officials who took prompt action and stood up for what was right. In one day. Almost too hard to believe no?

I detest people who don't know how to say thank you. If I'm having one of those happier days, I only feel sorry for such people, but on days like today- let's just say I'm not a person with violent tendencies but when you given up your seat for someone carrying a child in a crowded bus, the futility of doing a good deed angers me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want an award or for my picture to be in the newspaper for Samaritan-Of-the-Week, but the least you could do is say thank you.

Or when people take stuff from you and return it all battered and abused, without even the slightest of acknowledgments.

For any politician that I come across in my life, I have only two words- Fuck you. vans and trucks full of hooligans drove on the streets of Chennai yesterday because supporters of some politician were gathering at Marina to celebrate his something. We, the ones not in these vans, were in turn treated to loud blaring music, rambunctious dances and cheering and traffic jams so long that most of us just abandoned our vehicles and took to walking to get to places in time.

Where these cars and vans stopped in the middle of roads, ardent fans got off and relieved themselves on the roadside. Cheering increased when a girl was in sight. Driving became rasher as the urge to compete with one another grew.

And I was ready to commit murder.

On that extremely positive note, I leave you to enjoy your Sunday.

SG.

First, I don't send the form within the stipulated time. I have to call them up to ask what can be done and they calmly tell me that it's ok and I should send it as soon as possible.

Second, I paid for admission to one program when I could have applied for two. So, I call them up to ask if I can pay extra now or something, and they say no.

Third, I lose the envelope I'm supposed to send the filled up form in. I have to call them up, again, and ask them what to do about that.

Fourth, yes, there's more. I just glance through the filled up form and find that the branch and code of the bank where the money was paid was filled up wrong. So, I have to call them up, AGAIN, and am told to write and send an apology letter with the form.

I'd better be getting in there after all this.

Photo By: Drew Tedlock

I almost gave up.

Threw my hands up in the air.

Blocked out every dream I'd ever had. It's funny how sometimes you become so numb that even the sharpest of pains can't touch you.

And then Bones and Booth sang Keep On Tryin' (by Poco).

In those two minutes, everything righted itself.

I'm not giving anything up without a fight.

SG.

After four years of blogging, some form of appreciation. Sure, it had to be wheedled out. Still, eeeek! I got a blog award.

Awarded by
astrodominie to Sthupit Girl

This post is going to be super shot. One, fathers have this way of waking their daughters up that mothers can just never do. Mornings suddenly become bearable, even Monday mornings. And even though you'll never read this, thank you dad.

Two, for the third time in one month, I've gone for CAT class only to sneak right out and back home. It's not like I don't get enough opportunity to travel by MTC, which by the way is a post long due, that T.I.M.E. is doing me a favor by giving out wrong schedules and/or rescheduling without notice.

Three, I just realized I've written fifteen mock cats already. Fifteen. That's five more than ten and five less than twenty. Which would mean there's exactly five Sundays before the D-Day.

Four, we grow up hearing about how great the Ratan Tatas and the Mittals of India are. I've read about their lives, and I read about them every time I pick up a newspapers. A new factory here, a take over there. But it's only after hearing the press conference Mr. Tata had regarding the Singur issue, did he become "real" to me. It was in that moment that I knew that I liked his dignity, and I was left inspired by his passion.

Five, I thought I was the most peculiar person in my family. Or at least one with the most peculiar peculiarities. Turns out, my sistar is slowly inching her way to first place. So- she robs dad of a an absolutely new notebook. Lies down beside me on the bed and starts flipping its pages. After a whole entire minute, her actions have my complete attention. She continues to touch each page with reverence before going to the next. She continues to touch each blank page with reverence before going to the next.

And now I must run. Have a super fun long weekend,

SG.

P.S. Dad just let me drive the car first time after the puja (yes, me the punjabi did the not-punjabi ayudha puja). Finally a sign of good things to come.

So, I spent most of this evening freaking out. Not because of lack of planning. But because of not paying attention to detail.

I opened the Stanford website- only to find out that they do NOT look for work experience as a prerequisite for admissions to the MBA course. So, I freaked out. I SHOULD have known about this. I shouldave known this so that I could have written my GMAT and TOFEL exams and applied this year.

I still can, but I don't like how rushed things will become if I do decide to do so. So, I'm not. If things don't work out here and now, then we'll make Stanford happy. But just in case there's smarter people who've already written the required exams- Harvard, Stanford & Michigan- take freshers.

On other news- let us all stand up and clap hands to wish Navneet a very happy budday. May he always have money to buy hair dye, the latest in spectacles and hearing aid and of course, dentures. Wishing you all things that are good.

On other other news, because I spent the evening I'd planned to spend studying, freaking out instead- my schedules gone for a toss. So, I'm going to stop bugging you and go and try and do something about it.

The absolutely brilliant news is- Monday is over!!

SG.

Saturday night- in PJ's and talking to myself (on my blog)- the excitement could make a more slight person dizzy. I'd be depressed, only it's great to finally have had a proper meal- the "old people" ka khanna was driving me nuts. Now that I have a whole KFC burger inside me, I'm all set to dance on the ceiling. Breathlessness or no breathlessness.

I was going through some stuff the other day, and came across this word omphaloskepsis- contemplation of one's navel as part of a mystical exercise. Have you heard of anything more bizarre?!

I'm going to be posting a little less often from now on. Or maybe more often, considering the nervousness and fear that is going to start crippling me. Either way, you have been forewarned.

I love photographs. I don't take too many of them, but I'd love to someday. The artist in me loves the use of many colors almost as much as she loves the magic that can be created using just one, and sometimes none.

Flickr found this for me. And I love it. It's called "The Kiss".



I had more to say. Only, this picture makes the words fade away and their place is taken by a small smile.

• I started writing, only to realize I was rambling, as usual. So I need to edit that post before I put it up.



• People surprise me every day. Not all of the surprises are good. A friend of mine saw a muslim guy, a student, walking towards us in college and promptly said, " I'm scared. Doesn't he look scary? What's with the beard and all? "
  

  People, educated people, can be extremely illiterate in their views.

  
  I could have strangled her. Is this how education helps? Is this what "jehad" is supposed to accomplish?



• There's some words that I just love. They don't mean "great" things or anything. I just love the drama around them or the way they sound. Like "flummoxed" and "umbrage".



• Redefining deep sleep- you don't hear your cell phone beep.



• Another not so pleasant surprise was when in college, again, the people I was sitting with commented on why this particular girl was even wearing a "dupatta"- it wasn't covering what is was supposed to.
  
  It made me sad.



• FUBAR is an absolutely brill word I found out.



• I like black and white as much as I love color.



• I found my first white hair. And I've kept it safe. Proof of my wisdomousness.



• Making "blockquotes" or pullquotes as they are sometimes called and customizing them to suit your style is really easy. They look nice and people ALWAYS read them. Will put up a post regarding them soon.



• I think the look of ones blog is very important.

  What would make me want to read your blog?

  A first time visitor either reads ahead of doesn't based on very few basic things- name of the blog and the tag line, aesthetics and the title of the post. The length of the post comes a quick fourth.
  
  Sure, for them purists, writing is all that matters. But if you really want people to read what you've written, you have to create an atmosphere that will encourage them to do so.

Me is done. Hope you guys are enjoying the day off. I certainly am, given the fact that my nasal passage has cleared and I've fought my way into being allowed to bathe. Too much detail, I know :D

Oh and by the by, the title has nothing to do with my love for bananas or lack of it. It's a song by Jack Johnson. One I'd recommend.

All my love!