Crazy, eh? All these changes and all that, na? Blame it on boredom, and those bubbles that are bubbling. For some reason, I'm very amused with my "bubbles that bubble" concoction. I dunno where I keep coming up with such stuff. I guess, it's just a talent I'm going to have to live with. The misery of it all.

Sometimes when my sis or someone else asks me what I get out of cleaning, or deleting all the junk from my inbox or anything along those lines... I've never been able to find an adequate answer. It's pretty simple, and I guess that's why it's difficult to understand for people.

I really do believe in karma. The earth is round, and hence, what goes around, does come around. Karma, listening about it, learning about it, etc, brought me in contact with what prayers are. What the power of a prayer is. I've often wondered, not about the daffodils, but yes, about the power prayers weild. And weild, they do.

The most convincing explaination I could come up with was, that when one prayers, i.e., chants... The person creates a positive space around himself. He has positive vibes. The more you do it, the more stronger they become. You can often see and feel a person s state of being when you meet them. Those are the vibes I'm talking about. I dunno about how the "power" works, but then, there really isn't and can't be too much negative stuff around a person who has such a powerful positive space around himself. If that makes any sense at all.

It's the same with cleaning. I do it, so as to cleanse my self. My mind. To remove the clutter. To decrease the chaos. While it is impossible to totally eradicate it, because the theory of existance holds that the amount of chaos is directly proportional to the stability of ourselves and the world, and is hence very much a part of ourlives, this usless chaos needs to be taken out.

You do take your dustbins out every day, right? It's just like that. If you let it be, it'll oveflow, and make your house and life, well to put it eloquently, stink?

The same goes for useless emotions. Strong words I know, useless emotions. No, when I say that, I'm not condemning emotions. In fact, I'm just rubbishing useless emotions. Wondering about what to wear, what's "cool", lame stuff like that. True that, that they might not be lame to other people. In fact, I like them sometimes too...

It's just the excessive stuff that I'd rather do without. Rid yourself of anger, forgive yourself, so things go bad at times - laugh to keep from crying, simble, hurting sometimes is peaceful in itself, 'cuz at the end of it you know your going to heal and be great ( Not, OK, that's a horrible place to be, you know why!).

It's like... I dunno, the other template I was using, is peaceful... this one on the other hand represents my naughty self, hyper self, yada yada. I'm going to stick to this for the season, but it's still the other one that brings a sense of... homecoming? Relief? Relaxation? Sthupit example, but yes, that's the way it is.

All this cleaning, praying, bathing (To think!), walking... brings a sense of tranquility to a person s life, and hence to ones self. You should try it. I'm not talking yoga and all that, that's good if you have the time and inclination. Small stuff... Maybe sitting on the terrace with soft music, a walk after dinner with family, cleaning up, a long hot water bath after that, cooking, you get the point.

May peace be with you!

Yours forever sthupitly.

It feels kinda bad to be wanting to write about something good and happy, after the morning I had yesterday. But then, it's official without any trace of doubt, that I'm crazy. Ha.

Yesterday was one roller coaster ride. Spent the morning crying and feeling terrible, and hopeful, and the evening, listening to Jagjit Singh. Live in concert. For the first time. Lucky biatch, eh? That's me for you.

3 hours with the maestro. I haven't been this happy in eons!! The man is so bleddy good, the words, the music... everything. It all makes so much sense. And yet, at times it doesn't.

I remember, there was a time when dad didn't believe I understood what they were about. I was "too young". After a hard day, he'd lie down flat on the carpet in the hall and listen to Woh Kagaaz ki kashti, and I'd do just the same. Little did he know, that it did make sense to his lil girl, always did and always will.

There's some real sad ones, some real happy ones and some awesomely romantic ones. It's amazing how a few lines, put together in the right order, can suddenly be the best way to describe your life.

He did his signature ghazals.... Hoshwalon ko khabar kya,Tera chehra, Tum ko dekha tto yeh khayal aaya, Ahista Ahista and I could go on and on and on.

Rang bhi dekha, roop bhi dekha,
rasta, manjil, sahil, mahfil, koi nahi hai aisa,
tera saath hai aisa,
Meri akho ne chuna hai tujhko duniya dekh kar,
Meri akho ne chuna hai tujhko duniya dekh kar....

Has to be the bestest of my discoveries last evening. All in all, I was happy. It's kinda sad admitting it, but I was happy after a long long time. Guess music does that to you. Ghazals do that to me.

I hardly ever admit it... that I'm scared. That I'm hurt. That it pains. There's too many people depending on me, or so I let myself believe and I care too much. There's alot of times when I've almost given up and wanted to believe that it really won't ever be all right again, that there really aren't any happy endings and that love is just and abstract noun.

It's also real hard to believe that I'm so blessed. And I don't know what I've done to deserve any of it. I know I haven't, and I guess that's what makes me want to reach out to people, do some good. Make a difference. Justify all this. I dunno how many people realise it, but I do, with every turn life takes, that I'm doubly blessed. And believe you me, some of the stuff that "hurts" seems real trivial when compared to the stuff other people are subjected to for a large part of their lives. I guess, it makes me in different on one level... But, I dunno.

And it scares the shit out of me. Wondering if such stuff happened to me, what I'd do. If I'm strong enough to deal with it. If.... Ugh. The only place I like if is when it's linked to Rudyard Kipling.

Anyway, things are almost right on this side of the world. All thanks to an awesome evening. Mwah. I could kiss the damn computer screen. Oh and the template change, is to mark the begining of a new season of hope. And promises. And... well, me. And you.

I don't believe this. I feel like those bubbles of champagne. It tickles.

Lotsaluv,

Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S: If I didn't make any sense back there, you can sleep peacefully, knowing that I'm back to normal.

P.P.S: If I did make sense back there, well, God help you.

Damn. I just sat there watching the people on TV take me through Kenya and Madagascar. I just sat there. With tears streaming down my face. I just sat there.

Commercial sex workers, orphans, no bloddy roads, no aid, no nothing. And I just sat there. People not wanting to do away with stigmas, having no other option, no food, no jobs, no nothing. And I just sat there.

It's probably a sad excuse that I'm not old enough to do something, but seriously, what about all those people who ARE? People have enough money to buy 45 million dollars of property, buy aeroplanes, and have nothing in them to do something for people like these? How can you not want to do something? I don't understand. I really don't. How, when people who actually work these commercial sex works, know what having unprotected sex can do to people, do it?

1$ for sex with a condom.
2$ for sex without a condom.

Yes, you read it right. Can you believe it? No? Well then, read it again, and keep reading it till it sinks in, 'cuz it bloddy true. And you know where they work? On the street, under a flap of plastic.

Why do people do this then, you might ask? 'Cuz there ain't no other way to earn money to keep their families alive. And I just sat and kept looking.

Why do people who work them do this? 'Cuz they're sent by the Devil, dammit. I dunno. I can't think of anything. I can't think of a single bloddy reason, as to why people would want to go around sleeping with people on the road, firstly. The reason the people on the road exist, is because people, humans, well bred humans, go around looking for it. And there is no secondly.

There are more than 1 million orphaned children in Africa, alone, today. And these orphanages, they offer the kids porridge, three times a day. Porridge. I don't even want to think about how many there are in India today. But whatever it is, nothing beats that continent. Nothing.

50,000 people died of poverty on Monday. A 2-3 year old with two sticks, called legs, took 5 minutes to gain balance, so that he could stand. He had a pot belly ( one of the signs of Kwahiorkor,, malnutrition, protein deficiency and marasmus). You could count the ridges in one's spine on his back. I could count 7. There was mud and dirt stuck everywhere. There were flies taking 'red eyes' from his leg to his face. There was no strength in his hands to ward off flies. What was the point anyway? They would only come back. Workaholic flies.

50,000 people died of poverty on Tuesday. It's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful place. The place where you can see nature in all its glory. It's the land of deserts, tropical evergreen forests and sand-covered beaches. It's home to the largest wildlife and breeding ground for the world's largest flora. A thousand ships found its coasts and brought with them merchants and colonisers. A thousand ships left its shores, years later, with everything that the land had to offer. Now these very shores serve as a source of entertainment to the living village kids and a source of income to an odd fisherman. Welcome to Asia!

50,000 people died of poverty on Wednesday. A baby lay within the protection provided by its mother against the harsh climate. He wore no clothes. There were flies all over him. I don't think what could be see on him was skin. He was hungry. Not even the liquid-protein stuff that passed as food was left. So, he bawled. Everyone in the vicinity was below 25 years. If the infants were lucky they'd live to see their 16th birthday. And then they'd die of either AIDS, an epidemic, malnutrition, or poverty. Did I say lucky?? The place where you see nature in its most cruel form. A gold mine, now suffering from poverty. Welcome to the WORLD!

50,000 people died of poverty on Thursday and Friday.

You could go on thinking
That there was nothing wrong
Whatever happened to those values of humanity
When a child is now born into this world
With no sense of skin on his bones.

50,000 people died of poverty on Saturday.

And it will happen again. Over and over and over again. And again. And again and again. In Africa, in India, in the whole damn world.

'Cuz guess what? Nobody but a few hundred people around the world really do care enough, to do something about it. Everybody is so busy getting "fucked up" with their own lives, I mean what would we do without leaders throwing furniture at each other in the Parliament, what would we do without leaders who want nothing but easy cash and to hell with the rest of the world, people who are so bothered with what's the "coolest" thing of the day that anything but "I,me, myself" is foreign?

And 'cuz of people like me, who'll just see all this stuff, and do nothing about it. Well, here's what... If I don't do everything that is within my capability at every stage in my life, about all this, sue me. And that's a promise. To myself. And to these people.

Light up. Light up.
Even if you can't hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear,
I swear in the days left,
We'll walk in fields of gold together.

Sometimes, you hear something or read something, and everything just fits into place. It's like... it was always there, somewhere at the back of your head, and wham one day, it comes up front and blinks like a neon sign, you couldn't NOT notice. At times it's nice stuff... a happy memory, a sthupit song, an old friend.. anything and at others it's.. just stuff, I guess.

I walked far enough to make you sit still. And just like that, in one sentence, this person had managed to describe the last two years of my life. Just like that. And true it is, to the full stop. I hate absolutely hate people who walk out, don't keep promises... and I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. I haven't so far. Anyway, back to the point. There are two reasons for me not wanting to do that to anyone.

One, the noble crap. Friends forever, will be there for you always and the likes. I see too much. And the fact that it would hurt the other person, no matter how small a part of my life he/she is, is enough to stop me. There's enough suffering in this world, without me adding to it :)

The other being, just to show the person up. Clicking two. And how true it is. Often I'd wonder why I was being so stubborn. What exactly were my reasons? What was making me stay put? Me being me just wouldn't accept it to be ONLY 'cuz it was what friends/girl friends/sisters/blah did... it kept nagging me.

Another thing that bothered me was when suddenly for certain reasons parts of who I was, why I was and why I am what I am came back. Okie that didn't make sense. It's just that sometimes (again) in other people s lives you find a part of your past. And because you don't want the other person to have it as terribly as you did, you start looking for reasons, explainations, theories and answers so that you can help. That's what I did. I tried.

Until the other day, when it all started making sense. It always did make sense, but now it was concrete. Definite. Being as human as we are, we have a lot to feel guilty for. And that makes us seek out pain. Pain, sacrifice, suffering helps us find peace. Salvation.

It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. That's why I'm telling you: dont' get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerfull drug. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. or cowardice. however much we may reject it, we huma beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.

True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God. Don't let's think about that now, all you need to know is that what make the world go around is not the search for pleasure but the renuniciation of all that is important.

Does the soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No. He goes in order to die for his country. Does a wife want to show he husband she's happy? No. She wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy. Does a working man go to work every morning to achieve satisfcation? No. He does it to sweat his butt off so that he can keep his family. And so it goes on, sons give up their dreams to please parents, parents give up their lives in order to plese their childrean, pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:love.

And I dunno where I'm going with this, except that, I just needed to say all this aloud. At least in my head. If you enjoy being miserable, then stop and start looking at what exactly you are doing to yourself.

Sure, you've made mistakes, big ones and small ones, sometimes they ruin lives, sometimes they ruin your life, they hurt the people you love most, but it isn't the end of the world. Forgive yourself, and make it up, not by suffering, but by loving. Yourself, the people around you, and your life.

And no matter what you do, don't do it to prove anything to anyone, do it cuz you know in your heart, that it's the right thing to do. Actually, scratch that. I'm not too sure it works. What I am sure is, that suffering is not the solution. It's temporary peace, that will lead to insanity. And cuz it's not only the tough way out, it's also the only way out.

Lotsaluv,
Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S : Project work is over, nonsense teacher didn't even look at it. Apparently, I'd said I'd done it, and that was enough. Work on the behalf of 4 people, work that was meant to be done for the entire sem, I did, alone, in 4 days. Anyway, that's me being made a fool of again, for being "sincere".

P.P.S: Yes, I'm totally, completely insane. It's been verified, attested and hence confirmed.

My life USED to revolve around the photocopying machine. My life NOW revolves around the comp doing project work. I've spent 30 hours out of 40 sitting here, working. Out of the remaining 18, I've spent 3 out of those 10 watching woh lamhe and the rest sleeping like a baby. Imagine. 30/40!!

And this is the same thing I spent a week on at the begining of this month. Now, I'm working on the behalf of 4 people, to do the whole thing again, from scratch, cuz I'm a dumbass.

It's like its bloddy written on my head or something. She's an idiot. Drop all your stuff on her, last minute and she'll do it.

Sigh.

On the brighter side, inspite of the sad ending and the crew, the movie is bloddy awesome! You just HAVE to watch it. I hated both the two of them(yes, you read that right) in Gangster. She kept screeching all through. Oh I forgot to mention! I saw that again also, a while back, and it was good. Even made me cry. But which movie doesn't.

She's really good in this. Even looks awesome at places. Even Ahuja is kinda cute at places. And the story is something you can connect with. It is true, you know. That while love is the greatest healer, it can work the other way too. It can hurt and make you mad. It did to me, at one point.

Anyway, go watch the movie. The songs are damn good too. It's what s kept me sane in the last two days. Hope your day was better than mine!

Yours forever sthupitly.

It's surprising how no one but me the great, notices how badly words can affect a person. For some reason, due to the excessive reading that I used to do I guess, I've seen and observed how people react to words. And it registered. So, now I'm doubly careful about what I say. Even when I'm angry. People've hardly seen me angry, but still.

It saddens me in a way, that I don't have the capacity to just blow off my top, and yell. Say hurtful things, just cuz the other person s said them too. To make them feel bad. Hurt them, maybe more than what they did to me. I just keep quite. I know it's all anger talking, and when they cool down, things will become clear. And then we can sort it out.

Sorting out is k, it's forgetting what the other person's said that is difficult. You may forgive a person, but what of the words that linger at the back of your head? And from then on, no matter what your fighting about, they pop up.

What I don't understand is why people, knowing how dangerous words can be, don't actually take care before they use them? I've seen people do extreme things just because they heard that someone might have said something. Might have, mind you. So, you can imagine how even more extreme things might happen, when they DO say it, and say it on your face.

It's funny... that even after all the care that I take, I end up doing the explaining for why I said something and what I really meant when I said it, and that I'm sawwy if you took it in the wrong way. I bloddy take the initiative and do it, even when the person on the other side of the fence has said more than enough to last me a few lifetimes has never once bothered. It's pathetic really. The way I am, I mean.

Get lost. Two words. I think there was even a movie, where an older brother tells his sibling to "just get lost", and the kid really does. Or was it a book? Either way, that was enough to stop me from ever using those words. That's all it really takes, for me. And it's pathetic, once again. Ain't it?

These days people use it all the time. Empty phrases, just to... I dunno just to what, but they just say it. I don't even know why the say them, if they don't mean them. It's beyond my comprehension. So, if someone has some insight, it'd be of great help.


Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S: No I'm not depressed, and neither was I trying to drive you over the edge, I was just thinking. And HAD to write.

Let's see... Thinking technically, and since I'm reading on the subject... there's three things that come into play here. One, is something called ethical relativism , the second is called descriptive relativism and the third is called relationalism.

Ethical relativism can be best summed up in the phrase : "When is Rome do as Romans do", i.e you either follow what society in whatever part of the world you belong to determines as right or you stick to what you believe in, without giving an inch. Either way, is unacceptable. The theory dictates that actions are right within a particular society when they are approved by law, custom or other conventions of society. The reason why we do away with this theory is because it implies absurdities. It would justify genocide and salvery.

Descriptive relativism is in ways true, and in ways not. While it supports the fact that customs and beliefs vary from culture to culture, it shouldn't be used to support wife-abuse, rape, etc. Ethical relationalism or contextualism on the other hand, however reminds us that moral judgements are contextual.

What doesn't change, no matter which ethical 'ism you wish to follow or believe in or deem correct, is that if it violates basic human rights, it is wrong. It, here refers to action or lack of it. So, no matter what "rule" the society has come up with, if it defies basic human rights, it's wrong. No two ways about it.

So, when I say that a collective consensus on certain view points, traditions and conventions make them definite, I do not mean to say that they are in any way correct. Or wrong for that matter. There are still people in this world who believe in sati and killing the girl child and all that. Yes, it is/was a part of their culture, but that doesn't justify the action. At least, not NOW, when we know of human rights and have what is called education and intelligence.

Coming back to the previous post, freedom of choice,is a part of these "basic human rights", as is viewed from any angle. The fact that the definition of choice, is in itself relative, is a different issue all together. Also, rape no matter what the woman is wearing or not, is wrong. There is nothing called "freedom to rape", even if only theoretically or for the sake of arguement, or so I should hope. Most especially not amongst what comprises of the educated in society. Lastly, the justification of MAKING someone dress "modestly" based on the "roving eye" is what I am against.

For a while, a while that goes back to the time I wrote my first post on this blog or maybe even to a time before that, I’ve wondered about who decides what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s moral and what is not. This semester, I’m studying a subject called Professional Ethics. It’s amazing to learn that there are various theories that can make one action seem right and wrong. Each of us has something called perception, which is formed on the basis of the community we live in, or exposure to the world, the people around us and what we see, hear and feel from experiences that may be ours or of people around us. The theories, sort of narrow down the number of ways to look at one situation.

Anyway, today, having accidentally attended a class on Ethics, I found my answer. The professor who handles this subject for me actually, is good, but is not the right thing. One needs a really really good prof to handle theoretical subjects… specially ones this based on psychology and society… You know what I mean? Anyway, today s class was taking by a different teacher. And while he spoke, I realized that such stuff IS vague. You only make it more definite when a group of people agree on the basic facts.

The reason why I was thinking about morality and stuff, on this occasion, was because I came across an interesting discussion called ‘The veil debate’. Interesting, because while we talk about a free world and individualism and human rights, we still bind ourselves to rules and conventions and society. I’m not saying its wrong, in fact it’s natural.

We call conventions and vague rules, tradition, in this country. We follow one set of rules for the male sex and another for the female sex. Hell we go even further to divide ourselves based on caste. Regions, even.

I haven’t read the Kuran, so I can’t really comment on whether muslims should adopt the veil or not. What shocked me were some comments made on the sets of the show by a group of well educated people. Girls who wear the burkha (veil) are less prone to getting raped than those who don’t; it’s about removing temptation; it’s about being dresses modestly and so on and so forth.

Do people really think this way these days? I face some amount of problem while I travel by bus, so does that mean I’m in some way inviting this attention by being a girl? Recently, when I said ‘men can be such dogs at times’ a friend very succinctly replied ‘hmmm… it’s because females make us act like that’, I was dumb founded. Was I dressed indecently? Is that why this was happening?

It’s exactly questions and reactions like these that make this society sick. Why don’t you make men roam around blind folded to remove temptation? Who are you to decide whether I’m modestly dressed or not? If I’m covered from head to toe, aren’t I actually increasing the temptation to find out what’s under? Wasn’t it… ‘more is less’?

What is ‘modest’? Who is going to define it for me with the guarantee that I won’t get raped if I live by it?

I’ve come to realize that this whole ‘choice’ thing is nonsense. It doesn’t even really exist. Because of the world we live in today, even things like what you wear, are decided the minute your born, depending on which sex you belong to and which part of the world you’ve been (un)fortunate enough to be born in.