I always used to wonder what people meant when they said that something/ someone had the power to make them smile with tears in their eyes. Feel happy, yet sad at the same time.

I do know now.

Bleddy memories. A song, a word, a book, an act, a character in a book, a dream, anything... 'Makes you find yourself thinking, recollecting and smiling to yourself about something that happened so long ago. So very very long ago. Seventy years ago. Smiling at the person you were then... Smiling at the feeling that you feel zing through you. Just like it did, back then.

And then you find a damn tear thats found it's way out, no matter how hard you tried to stick to the good part of the memory. For what had been. What could have been. And what never will be, ever again.

For just a fraction there, you feel something squeeze your insides. A slight pain that flits across.

And just like that. It's all gone. And all that your left with, is empty space.

Sometimes when everything is so wrong, one thing is so right you would do it all again.

People mess up their lives so easily. I messed up my life so easily. So much chaos, so much wrong negative stuff. There's all magnitudes of messing up... you could get into dope, you could end up selling dope, you could just be a weak person who has a knack for terrible relationships, you could just be a weak person and sometimes one just ends up screwing up ones life 'cuz one thinks he's screwed up another persons life.

My point is, that either because of you or because of someone you are related to you (which again means because of you), at some point or the other, all of us find ourselves, to put it eloquently, screwed. Majorly screwed, if one might have it.

At times, it isn't even because your a bad person or have done something to deserve bad... at some times your just a victim. Like all this stuff that's been happening in rapid succession in the past few months across the seven seas. Life is full of bones being found, serial murders, serial rapes, terrorist bombings or one government employee trying to "screw" the other one. Absolutely screwed up lives. Hell I feel insecure just reading about such stuff. I don't know how or if I'd ever have to handle such a situation, I'd ever even be able to. I hope none of the people I love and care about never have to, at the least. Selfish, one might call it.

Chi... so where was I ? Oh yeah... So, we all screw up once in a while. The point is, are we strong enough to get our lives back onto track again? Are we ready to deal with whatever went wrong, accept mistakes, make up for them, and start afresh?

Firstly, it's not everyone whose given the chance to clean up the slates. If it's just a boy friend whose dumped you that's making you want to kill yourself or drink too much (which is killing yourself anyway), you have a chance. A good and easy one. You might have just gotten out of jail, you have a chance too, but it's a tough one. You might have just been letting your grades slip - you have a chance, a good and very easy one. It's all a matter of seeing what you have, and doing something with it. Something good with it.

Secondly, not everyone has the right support system. I screwed up on a pretty small scale. The only one whose still got scars to show, is me. But at least I had the guts to face whatever it was, and clean up my life after that. There's a lot of people who don't. They just go from one damning relationship to another, because like a teacher of mine used to say they have no vertebral column.

Thirdly, not everyone has the guts or the urge to clean up the slates. Some people are happy to just give in, and rot away. Others, have oppurtunities, the right friends, they just don't have the balls. Others still, are deeper in shit than they can dig themselves out of - they still manage to do a good deed in the end.

It's pretty simple - unscrewing ones life.

1) You rid yourself of any type of alcohlic crap.
2) You rid yourself of all the people who don't believe in you. Of all the people you've just been taking crap from. Which also means surrounding yourself with people who really do care for you.
3) It also means having to trust them with your life.
4) You start begging, and kissing the feet of the people you've hurt, indirectly and directly, all the people you "owe", and make it up to them.
5) What is wrong, is wrong. It's not right under any circumstances. Not even if your drunk enough to walk yourself to the Buckingham palace, and dance in front of the gaurds, naked.
6) It's a lot of hard work, and very tiring and extremely hard on the ego. But only a man can do, what a mans got to do.

It's pretty sad to see lives go wasted. It's also pretty sad to end up questioning the human race, with questions ( yeah that's me. articulation at it's best) like why people do "bad" stuff anyway? Why others let it get done to themselves? Why some others just sit and let it all happen just for the money? Why still others do something about it, and get screwed anyway. Question, that don't have answers. Or some pretty damning answers, anyway.

All you can do is have faith, say a lil prayer and hope that someone somewhere is listening, and get on with the day!

An absolute moo point, if I've ever seen one. Hope you guys have a lovely day at work, I'm just going to laze around with a book *evil grin*

All my love and prayers,

Yours forever sthupitly.

Smile.

Give me that smile, to remember you by.

Come on, let it out.

Smile, you, you you.. Smile.

There's a good boy/girl, come on my pumpkin pie, smile.

You know you want to... Aah, I can see it trying to get out.. smile.

You filthy sonovabitch, smile.

Smile, you dog, smile, dammit.

It's funny, you know... People do their worst, and you let them. They can hurt you in every possible way, and you go on letting them do so. What breaks you down, or breaks you free, isn't the biggest insult in the world or the sharpest knife - it's the sthupidest of things!!

It's like clock work... every birthday (only) I see the cutest guy I've seen all year long. Dunno what it is, that's there in that date, but I do. It's been happening for a few years now to be passed off as just a mere coincidence. Lol. It's hard to find someone who impresses me. No men, I'm not a pompous ass... The thing you learn after reading alot and living to the age I have is that no matter what I think of myself, I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I dream of.

Don't give up on your dreams... Somehow, somewhere at sometime, they'll come true.

Oh and guess who just turned eighty six?!! Correct, yours truly. You won't believe the number of people who remembered, and called and wished. And no, it's not up on Orkut. It was crazy. But felt good. I had an awesome day (thanks sis!) touch wood - the cant stop smiling and don't want to think types. Perfecto.

Just wanted to write, had some stuff to say, dunno how to. It's come when it has to, or I hope at least. Sigh (the pleasant types).

Hope you had a lovely day!

All my love,

Yours forever sthupitly.

P.S : Nooo, I'm not going to write about the bullshit that's happening in the world, and get myself worked up. Not now, at least.

Again. Jezus, dunno if it was the nature of this past year, or if it's just me, but another year s zoomed past, and all that comes to my mind now when I think of it, is, FINALLY.

Usually, I find myself not wanting it to end... To let the good luck and happy times roll on some more, 'cuz you never know whats on the other side of 31st December... This year, I'm not doing that anymore. What makes it worse sometimes is the fact that the pain or laughter of a person, any person however indirectly connected to me, that I know of, no matter in what part of the world affects me.

More that anything, all I've done this year is, lose. Sigh. People, battles, faith, trust, my hearing capabilities, and more hair. The few black strands, mind you. Oh but what the hell! People could do worse, and what's more everyone I love is safe.

So, here's to the year that awaits us. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the ass of whoever tries to screw your happiness and may his hands become shorter, so he can't even scratch. Wishing you all happy things and endings, and glorious beginnings.

I picked these up somewhere - and after reading them, for a long time, I sometimes wished someone had had the damn sense to say these words to me! Or cared enough to. So, here's me saying them to you, 'cuz somewhere, somehow each of us needs it :

To the you, the person with a golden heart, all you need is courage. The cowardly lion discovered he had courage all along, all he needed was a medal to remind him of it. You are hence, hereby reminded, that you are not only strong, but able, and wise and good and much loved.


- The Wicked Witch of the North.


With all my love,

Yours forever sthupitly.

I've always considered myself above hate, so far. The closest i've come to hating is, hating brinjals and silences. Brinjals, 'cuz well, they are brinjals and silences 'cuz they scare me. Other than that... I've never HATED someone.

I never thought I hated anyone. Past tense. Long passed, past.

I do. I hate the fact that I gave you the right to hurt me. I hate the fact that I told you what would hurt me. And you did. You do. And you know it. I hate me for hurting.

I hate that I shared my dreams with you, when all you could do was mock at them. I hate that it made me feel small. I hate that I let me feel small.

I hate that you made me feel like a looser, at times. That when you said it, even in anger, I let it pierce through, and hurt.

I hate you for making me cry myself to sleep every night, when you didn't shed a tear. I hate me, for being weak.

I hate you, 'cuz I can't ask you to fuck off, get lost, the way you did to me. I won't do it. I hate that I can't. Won't. 'Cuz I'm weak.

I hate you for taking me for granted. I hate me for letting you know, realise, that I'd really be there, no matter what. And you did that "what". I stayed.

I hate you for not understanding me. For never taking the effort to read in between the lines. I hate me, for expecting you to.

I hate you for knowing, and still doing it. I hate you for turning out just like another "somebody". I hate me for expecting it. Almost wanting it after a point, so that we could get it out of the way. 'Cuz more than knowing it was hurting me, I knew it wasn't good for you.

I hate that you don't realise, understand, comprehend, what I did for you... I don't want a nobel prize, but I wanted you to at least acknowledge it. I hate me for expecting something in return. Because then, that's not true friendship.

I hate you, 'cuz when I ruined myself just so your worst fears wouldn't realise, you made mine come true. I hate that now i'm left to pick the even more shattered, scattered pieces, alone... while you aren't. And don't give a damn.

Fooled ya, didn't I? Hell I f***ing fooled myself. Had to say it aloud. To accept it.

I don't know if it's really HATE, hate... I don't feel anger, towards anyone but myself. I just feel... sad at times, you know? Feel like bawling my eyes out... Crazy.. you hate something like that to? Or is it just me?

The number of "merry christmas" messages I've gotten, is amazing. Other than the social obligation people feel, there is on some level a degree of acceptance of the festival, in today's society. And that's great.

My years in Mumbai when I was younger is the reason for my feeling like bubbles bubbling. Bandra, specially the West was full of christians... I love the Mount Mary's church, and used to light candles there every evening. Still do, when I get the chance to go there. Santa, a huge real-like one , unlike the diet concious ones you see today, visited the colony, we kids got to help with the huge nativity scene and an amazingly huge tree... all the tidings of a great christmas.

The most special memories of mine of that time, other than the chirstmas delicacies I loved, was of the plays we enacted out at old-age homes a few days before christmas eve and in the church on christmas eve. I've always been an angle in the play. Sang a few carols too.

It rubbed off.

In the recent past, December makes for the not so good memories... Inspite of which, the cheer, I haven't lost. Hope, some might call it. Somehow, one makes it through. You trudge your way through a huge pile of crap, or that's what it feels like, and are ready for whatever is next thrown in your path.

Anyway, here's wishing you a very very merry chritmas.... with plum puddings and mistletoe kisses... lots of happy things and endings.

Yours forever sthupitly.

Listening to: We wish you a merry christmas by Willie Nelson.