Jun 20

In and Up.

I hate this helpless feeling. This horrible horrible feeling that makes you look at the phone every 5 minutes to check if there's a message/email. This terrible feeling when you realize it was the trick of light on the screen of the phone, and not an attempt by someone to get in touch with you.

I hate being at the receiving end of silence. I think a million times before reaching out to people, and that makes the responding silence even worse. I hate going over the various things that I could have done wrong, that I could have said wrong. I hate wondering if maybe I've given away too much about myself; if maybe I've expected too much.

I hate not being able to feel. I hate wanting to feel. I didn't want to want to feel. But you made me want. Now that I do, there's nothing palpable left.

There's this yawning emptiness that's pulling at my insides, and threatening to swallow me. It's not my fault, and I don't want to believe that it is. This constant sadness is not what I signed up for, and I don't want it. I don't want to feel lonely and disconnected. I don't want to be on the periphery, I want to be the center. I'll be myself by myself, no issues.

Today, I'm giving in. I'm giving up.

Read More 5 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl

Jun 11

Normal. Regular.

They're walking in the rain together- he doesn't let go of her hand even though its becoming difficult to hold on to the umbrella. It's impractical but he hadn't seen her in a week- and the feeling of having her hand in his was nothing compared to the slight inconvenience of getting slightly wet. Normal. Regular.

She's standing facing the sea, in the same rain, alone. The rain had felt cold at first - just that first time when it seeps under the layer of cloth, but now she couldn't feel a thing. The distance wasn't easy but on most days just hearing a heartfelt "I miss you" was enough to create the same warmth that his hug did. Today, there were no hugs, no kisses, no emotions. No feeling. There was just distance. Distance. Anger, irritation, distance. A shiver passed through her body as she just stood facing the sea- it had nothing to do with the cold rain. He was being normal. Regular.

They reached the end of the road, and she gently pulled her hand out of his. He tried to hold on without seeming too forceful, but she'd already pulled away. He handed her the umbrella. She gave him a light hug, and whispered a sad, "I'm sorry," before walking away. She couldn't be with him, and even though she knew he cared for her, they weren't meant to be together.

The vibration of her phone pulled her out of her reverie. She uncrossed her arms and pulled it out of her pocket. Uncaring of what the water would do the instrument, she just looked at the number flashing on the screen, too afraid to answer. She didn't want to let him know that she was upset and we would know if she answered. She didn't want to miss the five minutes she would get to talk to him if she answered. Before she could click "answer", the phone stopped ringing taking the decision out from her hands.

He sat down where she'd left him unsure of how he felt. He was sad because he'd gotten used to her and this meant that she wouldn't be around in the same way that she had for so long, but he didn't feel the need to go after her. Surprised at the realization that he REALLY didn't feel the need to go after her, he turned to his right where he could still see her walking away. Could that be right? The retreating figure really didn't urge him into action.

She saw her walking back alone. The guy who had been walking with her no longer by her side. Her head was down and her shoulders sagged in defeat. It was difficult to tell if she was crying in the rain, but the sadness that her form represented was worse. Her phone vibrated again. A message. Should she read it? What's the worst thing it could say? It was probably a service message anyway. The girl was nearer now, she WAS crying. They were just silent tears that had inadvertently slipped out. Head down, she walked on. Seeing them both together had made her own loneliness feel worse - they'd seemed so "normal" together. Doing stuff "regular" couples do. Maybe things weren't always what they seem. Maybe it wasn't a service message after all.

He sat, allowing himself to not feel, as she disappeared into the distance. She walked on, without turning back. She cried for what could-have-been, but also out of the relief from not having to pretend anymore.

She read the message. And pressed 1 on her speed dial. On hearing his greeting, she allowed herself a little sigh of relief and replied "Hi handsome. I love you too. But it's not okay that you've been THAT busy."

Read More 2 comments | Posted by Sthupit Girl