Everyone who is anyone, is actually DOING something. Whether it is writing columns for newspapers (I'm VERY happy for you); or acing exams they have no right doing well in specially when I'm doing terribly; or be driving around the town in cars that I've always wanted to have; or basically living the life I've always wanted to.

Sigh.

In the words of Chandler,

I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair!

Pleasant weekend?

All my love.

• There's two things I'll always be grateful to Neet (my cousin) for. And I'm stating both on a public forum. One, for dragging me to watch Jab We Met- after ages I got to see something that could actually bring lightness to the heart. Still does, actually.



• Two, for introducing me to The O.C. I was SO against this series when it started- I mean why would I want to watch a story about some spoilt brats sleeping with each other? Sure, almost everyone s slept with everyone else, but that is NOT the story.
  
  Each life, is so complicated. And yet, so simple. I love the family. I love the strength that they give each other. I love knowing that if you really did love someone, things really would work out.



• Each love story has it's own charm. And I love the differences.



• Yes, I'm one of those who have an imaginary boyfriend in their past. His name was Aryan, and that's all you're going to get from me.



• I can't decide whether or not to just give up and run away and hide or to put up a fight and persevere.



• Turns out, yet again, that one musn't ever believe what people say. I really really don't know what we SHOULD believe in then. Words are fickle, yes. So, what's stronger?



• Mom received a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates from her brother for Rakhi. And I couldn't be more happy.



• From the moment we wake up to the moment our heads hit the bed, we ask ourselves questions. When the answers we get are totally different from the ones we'd thought of, are we really happy.



• I swear men/guys are worse than we ladies are supposed to be at this whole shopping thing. Three hours to buy ONE shirt. And that's the shirt I picked out in the first 5 minutes. Jezus.



• There's always this line between "personal" and staying "not personal" that I'm terrible at not crossing. I can two things- either completely involved and that means I expect the other person to totally understand who I am and what I am and why I am what I am or not am, or I keep you away.



• I HATE, abhor, being called "nice". Nice implies a very sycophantic nature.



• I do NOT judge people. Even people who've been terrible to me, I understand where they're coming from and I accept them for what they are. Sometimes, I try too hard to accept, and maybe lose sight of what people really are.
  
  That's when I'd like to hear what someone who I trust thinks about the person too.



• Crushes are funny things. They make the person who was "crushed upon" feel good. And the person who was "crushing" feel weird.
  
  I hate that YOU were told I liked you too. But I did not. Not in that way. And in a weird way I'm sorry, because that was a cruel thing for people to do.



• It's really hilarious when people who are trying to show off with big words use the words but spell them wrong. I mean, abhorr? Really?



• Ghosts are not nice things to live with. Contrary to what you might have been lead to believe after watching all those cartoons, they aren't friendly. They torture and they screech. They play with your emotions and suck up all the happiness. Like dementors, actually- suck out your soul.



• I usually don't listen to female singers. But even if you don't listen to the song, read the lyrics of this song called Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield. They're refreshingly; not hackneyed.
  
  Thanks sis, for introducing me to it.



• Do NOT watch Singh is King. I swear it's going to go down as one of the worst movies of our times, after Jhoom Barabar Jhoom of course. The story sucks, the people suck, the songs sucks and they bleddy embarrass punjabis.



• I take time to figure out why I've said something I have or done something I have or haven't done or said something I haven't. And I look twice before I'm sure, because I hate lying. To others, yes. But more than anything to myself.
  
  It's not called making excuses.



• I think I'm just about done here. Every day brings more drama than the previous. And I know I'm better off in most respects than most people in the world, but I swear the only word that comes to mind to describe me today is "traumatized".



• Almost a P.S.- Dish, Simrat and Bhai- Thank you for calling. You guys are my silver lining.



• There's nothing like a call from friends you've grown old with. And yes, actually grown old with. I've known them since I was eleven. God bless them :D



• There's also nothing like a big brother who doesn't hesitate to offer free consultation (now that he is a doc) to the guy who has been crushing on you.

Hope you guys are having better luck,

All my love.

I could burst into tears right about now. And not the little shot gun bursts of crying, but actual, sobbing.

You know how people say that "life has to come a full circle"? I didn't have an opinion until now. Now I do- it's true. Thankfully, mine has taken 4 years to come around- bit by bit, things are turning into exactly what they were then. I'm just praying the result is happier this time around and I don't have to wait for another circle to free myself of "this".

Apparently, being nice to people is a crime.

All you have to do is say boo, and I'll have broken down into a million pieces- million, IS possible, when you are me.

Ugh.

• It's hair, not hairs. Just like it's sheep and not sheeps. Just like it's teeth not tooths.



• If you don't know what it feels like to be with a guy who isn't shy of holding your hand in front of his friends, then you haven't met a "man".



• I DID say the entire sentence with a straight face.



• Dogs are total sex fanatics, I'm telling you. Or at least the street ones. And the sickest part is not that they enjoy orgies, the sickest part is that they like to do "it" in front of an audience.



• What's the first thing that comes to mind when someone says "People have been caught in the lift" ?



• That they were doing "stuff" in the lift, no? Bleddy, I'm not THAT perverted.



• I like the shades of green Karan has used on "Coffee with Karan"- the only thing that irritates me is that while he does ask good questions, he doesn't know how to build a (or utilize the) connection with the people who come as guests.



• The "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" is WAY WAY better than SRK s "kya aap paanchvi class pass hai". There's just this way you have to do things, to make something like this show successful, and he obviously isn't doing it.



• I enjoyed today alot. And I've decided to open a coffee shop at IIT if all plans of an MBA fizzle out.



• Yes, I know it's a brill idea. And IIT is taken. So find some place else, if you must follow in my footsteps.



• Twenty questions is an awesome game. You find out all sorts of weird fun things about people. Things you wouldn't ever know of, if you hadn't asked that question.



• There's people and there's people. I'm glad you are people.



• I don't understand how the people in these "couples" around me, are weaker, now that they've found "love". I've always thought love made you stronger. What I see around me, is almost parasitic.



• I had an art teacher who tried stuff with me. I still HATE thinking about it. I wish I had been old enough to slap him.



• You know how there's people who just make you smile? There doesn't have to be a concrete reason, they just do.



• You might think it weird, but every time I say "All my love", I mean all my love. Even though I don't know most of you in person, and even though I know I won't meet most of you in real life. AND even though all I know about you is what you wish to reveal with your writing.



• I like mischief. The other day, I saw this short lil thing standing at a crowded bus stop with a glass of water in her hand. She'd very nicely take in a sip, and spit it out. Not at all perturbed by the number of people she was drenching in the process. I wish I'd had a camera!!



• I like innocence too. Contrary to what people think- I'm not some city bred chica who looks condescendingly on people who've come from a more sheltered background- I don't laugh at their "rustic" charm.
  
  I smile, because I like the simplicity. People who order two plates of the same thing and go through them one by one uncaring of what it looks like. Mismatched clothes. Not understanding every sarcastic comment or innuendo.

So, I hope you had a good Monday. Because surprisingly, I did.

All my love.

Fate, I'm telling you, that I had to watch this movie. Terrible fate, not good fate. I wouldave used exclamation marks if it were good fate, no? Pah.

Even if you get free tickets for Kismat Connection, DO NOT go for it. It is absolutely trash.

With a name like "kismat connection" I wondered if the director/ producer/ whomsoever-it-may-concern could do just that little bit more to make his piece more original and less tacky than what that the name already implies. Sadly, I was disappointed. Disappointed big time. There's no connection of kismat anywhere, except for maybe mine, and that too not for the good.

There's nothing in the movie that even remotely resembles the "feel good factor" that romantic films are supposed to have. If this can be called romantic, that is. There's like zilch chemistry between the two stars, in fact, Vidya looks like Shahid's mother.

You can predict every dialogue to the last letter; it's THAT terribly scripted. The songs suck too. They pop up in weird places and aren't even the kind you could swing to.

There's nothing different in it- Actually, if I were to make a film about the story of my life, even THAT would be better than this. I dunno how to describe it, it's just CRAP. I nodded off in between and even then wanted to bang my head on the wall when it came to an end. Oh wait, it's as bad as Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. And don't go try watching it, just so you can help me describe it better.

It's got nothing. Nada. Zilch. If I had to give it marks on a scale of ten, I'd pick up an egg and take a nice clean shot at it.

All in all, it sucks. It sucks more if you've already seen Jaane Tu. Which uses all new actors, is a love story too, and yet even though you aren't gleaning any knowledge from the two odd hours you spend watching it, you can at least have a few good laughs.

And in case you've missed the point, here's me making it again-

Yes.

It finally worked.

I hated every time that she had to give in to him. I hated every time she chose to believe he was right, over what I was telling her. I didn't hate it for the reason that she wasn't listening to me, I hated it because he was destroying her. And even if she did see it, she thought she was incapable of standing up for herself.

Ok. You have no idea who I'm talking about. Remember this friend I'd told you guys about? The one who let her brother control her life?

She's FINALLY realized what he was doing to her, was wrong. And she's FINALLY actually started standing up for herself. I realize it will be hard, and he might react badly, but I'm there for her. Everyone in college is behind her.

Finally. And I couldn't be more relieved!!

And for anyone and everyone who is reading this, please DO NOT give in to abuse of any kind. Stand up for yourself and the people you love, because no one, not even you, has the right to ill treat you.

All my love.

Everyone seems to be on the lookout for something. That "something", in almost ALL of these cases is almost always happiness. Spell it whichever way. With a 'y' or an 'i'. If it's not happiness that is on the list, then there's things that you think will bring you happiness.

But I don't get why people are searching for it. Being it is possibly the simplest thing ever. Being it, not getting it. If happiness (y or i) were something you could get, it would by default mean, that it were also something you could lose. When you "get" it, you entity-fy it. It's a thing now. No longer a feeling, an abstract noun. Which is not what happiness (y or i) (from now on, every time you read happiness, read the "y or i" with it, until you are told to not do so) is.

Say, it is an entity- that will go on to mean that you get it from some place or some person and you lose it to some person or at some place. Two people/ things participate in this relationship, thus establishing a dependency. This dualism, is in my opinion, why there's very few people who ARE actually happy.

I'm no saint. I haven't given up materialistic things. I still derive joy from small things. But this fleeting feeling of pleasure or pain is not what I refer to as happiness. Happiness is a sense of being, to me. It is something that I am. It isn't something that I'm looking for from another person. It isn't something that depends on whether it rains today or not. Or on whether or not I receive an unexpected call. It is something that runs in my blood. So much so that, it makes me feel lighter. A bigger person. At peace. Free of entrapment.

I'm probably making little sense, as usual. But I'll take an example.

Most people of my generation, have already been through a multitude of love- relationships by the time they get to my age. I've been through one. It lasted a couple of months only for a varied number of reasons. Point was, for the first time in my life I was head over heals in love- butterflies-in-the-stomach, when-you're-holding-me-you-drown-out-the-crowd, smile-stuck-on-face-love.. When it came to an end, for a lot of time, there was no emotion. Which gave way to a total loss of self. Which in turn faded into this gut wrenching pain that just refused to go away.

What I kept questioning was how come I was suffering so much when "being in love" is supposed to be one of the best things people ever experience. How come I'd given up smiling, let alone living. Introspection lead to the realization that for some reason I had been denying the fact that I was/ had been in love. I'd been trying to convince myself that it had just been something I'd had to go through. Blocking thoughts. That the guy in concern, was just somebody. I'd get over him. It.

Question was/is, how do you get over something you won't even acknowledge? Enlightenment didn't come to me under no tree. But come it did. I was in love. Where was I going denying it? Loving someone did not entail being loved in return. Loving someone did not entail well, anything. Loving someone, was just, loving someone. Being in love.

When it had to go, it would go. If it wasn't meant to go, then it wouldn't. With him, I've known what are the best days of my life, so far. I've actually gotten "love letters". I've smiled and still do at the barest thought of this person. I've gotten up with the biggest of smiles on my face for weeks. I've felt the tingle, the butterflies. I felt gorgeous every time he called me that. It's been three years, and I still feel the same when I think of him.

It's all still there. So deep rooted, that there IS no point trying to deny it. When I give myself up to these pleasures, these feelings, I am free. I am no longer bound with the need to reject, get over, cry or worry. I am no longer bound. I just am.

Being in love is just who I am now. It's not something I can surgically remove. It's not a thing. It's not an entity. It's just me.

I understand that maybe this wasn't "it". He wasn't "the one". I understand that there will be better times. But until then, why deny myself? Why try to go against what I'm feeling? Why question? Why judge. Why not "just be"? This isn't an exam I have to work for!!

Which brings me to the point of putting you through these excruciating details- just like love, happiness just is. You are happiness. However, you won't realize it, feel it, experience it until you've shaken off the chains that bind you. The conditions you've set. The dualism you bring in only strengthens the mental prison.

Happiness in knowledge. It's knowing yourself. Like when you fall in love- the other person doesn't complete you in the way you think he or she does. You weren't "half" before they came along. You just didn't know alot about the person you are. Being with this person lets you get in touch with you. Be more of you. THAT is the completeness you feel.

Happiness is when you stop looking for "it" in things or people. It's something that you carry in yourself. A state of being you will achieve, only when you know yourself. A place in which things happen because they happen. Nothing you can do or could have done can change things. The outcome of an event has no bearing on you. It's a state of innocence that is free of the "I".

It's a sense of celebration that comes from the freedom of being you!

Simple.

Yep.

I'm in.