I hate this helpless feeling. This horrible horrible feeling that makes you look at the phone every 5 minutes to check if there's a message/email. This terrible feeling when you realize it was the trick of light on the screen of the phone, and not an attempt by someone to get in touch with you.

They're walking in the rain together- he doesn't let go of her hand even though its becoming difficult to hold on to the umbrella. It's impractical but he hadn't seen her in a week- and the feeling of having her hand in his was nothing compared to the slight inconvenience of getting slightly wet. Normal. Regular.

There's a weird sense of freedom that comes from knowing I want to write again. Not sure how long this will last - or if I'm really back - or if this post will be longer than just a couple of sentences: but for now its gooood!!

If you do a thing for 3+ weeks straight, it becomes a habit. Really.

The urge to reach out to the phone and text has died. I can spend time online without refreshing my email every five minutes and/or checking if my messenger is working fine and my status is available.

I HATE not being able to do any of that. I HATE missing you when I'm happy. When I crack a real awesome joke, I miss sharing it. When I think of something really sarcastic and funny, I hate not hearing you laugh. I hate seeing emails by your name in someone else's inbox because it only drives home the point that there isn't anything from you in mine.

I know its pathetic, but I still keep my phone on loud when I sleep so that I can hear it ring, should it ring. Something pulls at my insides at the thought of hearing your voice again, and not in a good way - it makes breathing hard.

There, I've said it.

I'll use itch guard, but I will not give in. I won't.

P.S. Random, don't worry.

• The mother of all inventions is this - "7 days of love". Bottle with 7 pills - each capsule opens up and has a paper inside it. A love note, if you may. How can you not love a person who buys you this? :D

• Space is good, space is great. I hate it when people crowd me or push too much. I actually retreat faster than you can say "retreat".
  
  You create too much space, though, and you can be very sure you'll lose the person.

• It does become tough to re do your house when you are faced with options like the following :

• Maruti 800 drivers are the most cautious drivers on the road. It's a fact.
  
  
• Be very careful who you give control of your life to - who you let in, who you decide to share your emotions with. Very few people keep their promises, and fewer still actually care.

• I'm extremely glad I have people in my life - whose voices I just have to hear and everything becomes ok. A terrible week just fades away after talking to them for 10 minutes.

• I'm changing the world one person at a time. By making people stop use the "k" instead of "okay" or anything else. "K" is one of the most detestable words in the history of the world. It denotes indifference and that just sucks.
  

• Rahul Dulhaniya Le Jayega has to be the most depressing show on national television. Who wouldn't want to marry an over achiever like this person? 20 year olds who still have their entire lives in front of them are putting more than just their lives on the line - all the hopes and dreams that live in tiny recesses of their beings - all of that is being put on the line. How does someone find the strength/stupidity to do that? For money? Really? Parents who actually prodded their daughters into doing this show actually exist?

• Carnegie Mellon University, Mays School of Business, Kelley School of Business and University of Washington all want me. Little old me. I'm so proud of me. I've slayed the last few demons with this achievement :)

• Pretty sure I'll decide on Kelley - can't wait for the excitement to take over :D

• I was so sure he'd call today. He didn't.

• I just realized I have a weird fetish. I collect paper bags. I love paper bags. And hotel toiletries. So now you know what to give me if you ever meet me :)

• Bad stomach! Haven't eaten in 4 days.

• What's with dad's and marriage? I'm so glad I'm going away for two years at least. I'll be the one with the visa. Ha ha ha.

Hope you guys had a great week, and wishing you a better one ahead!

All my love.

Dear B,

Over the years, I've tried in many ways to show you how good you are. How much you are loved. How many you inspire. How many you smiles you spread. I say tried, because on some occasions I doubt I have convinced you fully. I do hope that while your mind might tell you one thing in these occasions of doubt, you will know deep down in your soul, the truth.

No one knows the power of words as well as I do. And try as hard as I might, there are times when I have let you down. And there is nothing much I can do on hind sight but apologize. I hate liars, and consequently lying to myself. It takes time for me to find the real reasons, the right words to say what I need to- which is why as soon as I find them, I write. Which is also why some times I stumble. It does not mean I am weak in any way or changing sides to please the powers that be. In explaining to the other what I have understood of me and my actions, I am not making excuses or hiding.

You have a strong personality, and I have no doubt that some day you will be a force unto yourself. I envy you that. It is said, and wisely at that, that with great power comes great responsibility. That the secret to a good relationship, to being a successful leader, to well, being pretty much good at anything- you need to be a good listener. To act like a sponge. Look objectively at facts, process them, and then announce your verdict. Like not everything is forgivable, every wrong isn't worthy of a death sentence. Sometimes all you need to do for the accused is find him a psychiatrist.

Even while this milestone may imply a parting of ways, I cannot but help await with eagerness to see you grow stronger, more beautiful and smarter. I also cannot help the tiny twinge of uneasiness that accompanies these feelings, the dark monster that rears its head(s) at times- the fear of you being hurt, the need to protect and just hold you close, to protect you from the ugliness. I however, quell these teeny weeny doubts with just as much ease, for I know I have taught you all that I can and know. And now I must just let you be.

Test your boundaries but don't ever do anything that you'd want to hide from people. Let your hair down, discover yourself, but one baby step at a time. Always always trust and believe in yourself.

And know, that you are loved. Forever.

All my love.

(Written on 5/21/2009)

So it's one of those days at work - There's a deadline to meet. The powers that be have decided to assign me work that has a terrible schedule - I'm convinced I'm hated.

I'm trying to debug a piece of code and staring hard at my screen. V comes by and insists I look up. When I do, she's busy talking to the person sitting next to me. After a few minutes she's walking back to her desk.

Me: Hello? You were saying something?
V : *scratches head* I was?
Me: Yeah! You came all the way insistently yelling my name. Must have been something important.
V: Important?
*after two minutes*
V: I love you?

I totally ♥ work.

It's late at night, and after the day you've had all you want to do is curl up and let it come to an end. The radio is playing Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya and the moon is up right near your window. You're too tired to let the light bother you, or let the sight enchant you.

The phone is lying on your ear, and you whisper to keep the household from waking up. You could just not talk, but the voice is comforting. Pleasing. Caring. Because you're lying on your stomach you develop the slightest of slurs, it makes you sound even more adorable than you are.

No unnecessary conversation, the silence is comforting. Every once in a while the person on the other end says something and you respond. You blabber on about work related stuff that is still running through your mind, even without realizing it - and the other person, lets you. Tomorrow morning, you'll hear all about it :)

Before you know it, the ghazal is over and you've gone to sleep.

With the biggest smile on your face.